Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Shit Happens

Wow. Has it really been a month since I've posted?


I have a little story to tell you so grab your barf bags and gather round, you're in for a treat.

One fine Sunday afternoon I come home after running a few errands, ready to finish my laundary and get my homework done. I was already feeling overwhelmed with the amount of homework and studying I had to get done that day so I was particulary anxious.

I walk into my house and see something on the floor in front of the bathroom door. I walk closer to investigate and realize that it was water from the toilet overflowing!

What? Did someone break into my house and try to flush a huge brown bomb down the toilet while I was gone?

So I open the bathroom door to stop the overflow. Bad idea. As soon as I open the door, brown water comes shooting out and starts flowing into my dining room.


I look at the toilet and it is was litterly spewing shit. Shit water. Along with other things you find in a sewer. I was shocked. I knew I should turn off the water to the toilet but in order to do that I would have to wade through the shit water. And of course, without thinking, that's exactly what I did.

In my flip flops.

Gagging the whole time.

I turn off the water but it does nothing to stop the spewing toilet. Crap! Now what do I do? I stand back and just look helplessly as the water continues to saturate my dining room carpet. I need towells. Yes, thats what I need! So I throw off my flip flops and wash my feet off in the kitchen sink so I can run upstairs and grab my bath towels.

All of my bath towels.

I come back downstairs and by this time the water was creeping closer and closer to my kitchen table. So I drop the towels and have to move my kitchen table and chairs into the living room but in order to do that I have to move the couch and the automan first. So I finally finish rearranging my living room and get back to work at the matter at hand.

I try to create a dam the best I can with the bath towels. This seems to work for the moment and I was finally able to call a plumber and of course the soonest they could get there was in an hour.

An hour! My house would be full of shit by then! I hang up and start thinking, isn't there someway to turn off the water to the whole house? Maybe that will stop it. So I call my neighbor for his advice.

FYI: This is my next door, we share a wall, 50 year old single neighbor who likes to lay out in the back yard every time I do and periodically asks me out for drinks. (But that's a whole different story.)

Anyway...he's no help. I don't think he realized the magnitude of the situation, this wasn't just a little clogged toilet dude! Meanwhile the toilet is still going.

And going.

My towels are soaked, it's now leaking into the kitchen. I'm screwed. My landlord won't answer his phone, the plumber isn't going to be there for an hour so I call an emergency flood cleanup guy who also won't be there for 45 minutes!

So I just sit back and watch the sewer continue to make it's home in my house.

Turns out that there was a problem with the pipe outside my house. I live in a little subdivision of townhouses and the plumbing is set up so that each place has a pipe going directly from their toilet into the ground under the street & then combines into one big pipe that takes it out of the neighborhood.

The meeting point for everyone's pipes is right in front of my house soooo, when the main pipe got plugged, the sewer chose MY pipe, to MY toilet to MY house to use as it's exit.

So yes, I had the entire communitiy's poop in my house. And everything else they flush down the toilet. By the way whoever is flushing swiffer pads down their toilet needs to be shot. Just sayin.

Eventually the plumber got there and was able to remove the toilet and plug up the pipe to stop the sewer from coming in. My landlord finally got the message and came over after I had the flood guy and the plumber there working on the mess. He felt horrible, but he did stop and buy me donuts.

That makes everything better.


Anway so the past month I've been living in a construction zone. I got about 5 new roommates and they didn't even help with rent! The plumber dude, the flood dude, the carpet dude, the sanatizer dude, my landlord and a couple of construction workers lurking outside my house. They had to tear into my front yard and dig into the cement in my garage to get at the pipes.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that the flood seeped down through the floor and flooded into the basement too. Poop dripping from the ceiling.


So everything is pretty much cleaned up now, the kitchen floor still needs to be replaced but everything else is pretty much done.


These pics are after the poop is all gone, I'll spare you any shitty pics.

Even though the bathroom is fixed, I don't go in there.

I refuse to use it.

It scares the shit out of me.


singedwingangel said...

OMG I would have been retching all over the place.. That is crazy.. I am glad the landlord did it all righ tinstead of a hit and miss clean up job..

Mom Taxi Julie said...

OMG that is disgusting!!

Rebecca Jo said...

ITS POOBA!!! Or should I say POOPA!!!

Been missing your stories... though, yes, this one did leave me gagging a bit.. especially the idea of walking in flip flops... ***wretching***

Kristina P. said...

I have been thinking about you! What if you had drowned in the poop water. That would have made for one awesome obit.

Stacie's Madness said...


Zusje said...

I've been following your blog for a while but this is the first time I really feel the need to comment...I think I haven't laughed so hard reading a story like...ever!!I'm sorry,I'm sure it was a very stressful situation(I'd probably would have cried like a little bitch and rocked myself in a chair as far away as possible trying to breath through my mouth,after I'd called my mom,dad,brother,sister,friend,anyone willing to listen and yelled at them as loud as possible because they aren't able to help me through the phone)but I hope you feel better knowing that you've made a hilarious story out of a erm... shitty situation!

I've missed your stories,welcome back!

Shandal said...

Now that is a load of shit. I can not believe that happened to you! Not only having your place be a construction site for a month, but the smell... oh the smell must have been AWFUL! You poor thing! Glad it's all mostly fixed up for you. You should be compensated for it though, but not in the form of donuts! lol

Janalyn and Rob said...

You're a good sport for sticking around.

One place we rented years ago flooded due to a burst pipe during a rain storm and we didn't even stick around for them to fix it, we just moved out and left our flood ruined furniture there for them to toss...and there wasn't even any shit involved.

You ought to have a few rent free months or something big coming your way!!

Tiffany said...

Just last night I hopped over here thinking I hadn't heard from you in a while!!

Sorry I asked. YIKES!! I was hoping you were up to your eyeballs in metaphorical shit, not actual shit!!

Jen said...

Well, I guess that is one way to get new carpet.

Marsdinis said...

That is horrible!! Seriously, my mouth was hanging open the whole time reading through your post! sorry that the pipe choose your home to burst into!

Mandy said...

Good God! That's gross!! You're excused from not blogging.

Brian Miller said...

omg. this is terrible...i am glad you survived it...but lord...ack. good to see you!

AmyLK said...

ewe!! shivers and just plain gross! Glad you survived and everything is getting cleaned up properly.

Dari said...

I have been missing you the last month! This is the most terrible thing ever. I am so sorry you had to go through this shitty experience. ;)

blueviolet said...

Oh my poopy gawd, no wonder you've been AWOL. I hope insurance covers that kind of thing. Geez!!!!!

Pricilla said...

I am thinking that since it shit all over you you should shit all over it.

Just sayin'

Amy said...

Oh.My.Gosh that is horrible! Glad you are back, don't stay away too long again. We need some more laughs.

St. Jeor Family said...

Oh Kelly that is horrible!!! I wouldn't use that toilet ever again either!

University of Iowa Meg said...

YUCK. How horrible. I can't even imagine. :(

Suzi said...

So glad you are still alive! What a shitty mess you had! Your space looks pretty big, nice!

scrappysue said...

oh wow - shit REALLY does happen. we had the same thing once, but it was our DRIVE that was a river of poo. i should point out that our drive is wide and long and slopes downwards. at least it kept the door knockers away!!! glad it all worked out for ya - and welcome back!

Stacy Uncorked said...

Holy crap! You poor thing! Glad things finally got mostly cleaned up and fixed for you - I'd probably be scared shitless to use the toilet again, too! ;)

TMI Tara said...

That's horrible....y funny! ;)

Sorry girl! I'm glad you're alive, though... I was beginning to wonder! Hope school's going well.

Karin Katherine said...

That is just all kinds of disgusting. YUCK

Karin Katherine said...

That is just all kinds of disgusting. Yuck, thanks for sharing your shitty story!

; 0 )

Christine Macdonald said...

Holy shit.

yulz said...

just tweet you yesterday and whoaalah you're back =)great..

thankful your house is now clean from all the shit :p haha gosh ! that's terrible. BUT still.. I like what you've done with the toilet pic ehe creative n scary LOL

Brian Kelsey said...

Crap...that really puts the POO in Pooba :)

Jason, as himself said...

THAT is an AWFUL story. I think we're on the same wavelength, because a couple of days ago I also did a post about raw sewage!

Jon and Steph said...

That might be the worst thing I have ever heard! I am SOOOO sorry that happened to you. What a crock of shit! ;)

Aleta said...

OMG, that's awful. I haven't read the other comments, but I'm sure there's a few "that's shitty" so I won't add to it.. Ok, but you DID have me laughing with that last toilet picture. I wouldn't want to go in there either. You had me gaging just reading the story.

Christie-The ChatterBox said...

ROFLMAO! Boy have I missed you and your stories! Wholly crap! Literally! Glad I picked today to get back to blog reading...this was awesome! I know not for you but I appreciate you shooting the shit with us :) Okay... I'm done :)

Megan said...

I think I would've vomited right on top of it all!! WOW! You poor thing! Glad it's all getting taken care of though!! What a pain!!

Queenie Jeannie said...

Ohmygosh, that is truly craptastic!! So sorry you had to go through all of that. Blech!!

I hope they really fixed the problem this time so it doesn't happen again. I would make up flyers about the shit people flush down their toilets - including swiffer pads!!! - and put them on everyone's door on your street!

But I'm a bitch. A bitch who knows how to hold a grudge.

Nana said...

Mmmmm, yes, I can see how doughnuts, donuts? (whatever) would make that shitty mess seem sooooo much better. Oh my, what a crappy deal. I bet you felt like shit.
Holy crap.
Didn't you say you wanted some new stools?
I can't think of anything else to say, except I'm glad everything got cleaned up and is alrigt!

Nana said...

I mean alright.

Dolly said...

Sha-BANG!!!-and your back with poo-stories and pictures:) You just made my whole week lady! *Yahoo*

Sara said...

Oh wow! That is just awful! Glad it is all getting cleaned up and fixed. What a shitastic month. :( Come check out Jon's Halloween castle, though. It'll make you smile. :)

Eve said...

OH Eeewwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!
Poor you!

Love the evil toilet pic though. ;)

Alexis AKA MOM said...

So I read this in my email and was giggling so hard I forgot to come back and comment! That is just wrong! I hope you got some FREE rent on that one!

LadyStyx said...

I'm with Alexis, I certainly hope you got a month's free rent on that mess!!

Closer to Lucy said...

OMG...poor you! Nice to see that you've kept your sense of humor through it all!

Just before the cross country move I lived in an appartment that was owned by the slum lord king, every time my upstairs neighbor flushed it leaked into my bed! Even after the clean up crew moved in... I feel your pain, every gagging moment.

BTW glad you're not grounded anymore. I ..sniff..missed you.

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