Monday, August 30, 2010

Doin It.

Guess who's not a virgin anymore?

My Mom!

(More wedding pics to come!)

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Who Has More Fun?


Or Brunettes?

Friday, August 20, 2010

With Suz You Never Loose! (My Totally Lame Attempt To Rhyme In A Post Title)

Have I told you how much I love Suzi? Not only does she send me part of the beach, but now she has out done herself and sent me this:

She is psychic and knew that I would be needing a pedicure set while I'm down and out from the surgery so she timed the mailing of the package perfectly to coincide with it.

Okay, it wasn't really Suzi's psychic abilities, all I have to say is it pays to be an accountant. You can trick anyone into thinking you know what you're talking about and then they will send you gifts.

You learn that in the first class of Accounting 101, of which I obviously passed with flying colors.

Suz, you are in SO much trouble for sending me this. But you know I love it, it's all my favorite things all in one package!

You. da. best.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

If It Has Balls, It Must Be A Boy

Thursday night I wake up at 3 in the morning, I guess that makes it Friday morning doesn't it? Anyway so 3 in the morning I wake up to feeling like my insides were havin a fricken bowling party or something. In other words, my tummy hurt. So I got up and took some good old Pepto Bismol because that fixes everything right?

Apparently not.

So after arguing with myself for an hour of whether to go to the ER or not, the pain in my stomach finally won and I got my pathetic ass out of bed and drove to the ER. I was expecting kidney stones, but no, the doc came back after the test results were in and told me he wanted to take out my gallbladder.


Sure, why not? That's exactly what I wanted to do on Friday the 13th. You know, wake up, go to brunch, get my gallbladder taken out, maybe catch a matinee. It's the perfect start to the perfect weekend.

So I decide it's time to call the parents, who of course yell at me for not calling them earlier and blah, blah, blah. Come on, if it was just indigestion would you appreciate being woken up at 4 am to travel 20 minutes to the ER?

No, I didn't think so.

So pretty soon the whole fam shows up and I'm lovin it. Not the pain or the situation, just that my family makes the best out of any situation. Lin shows up with this card, balloon, and a large B&B Chai (Which I can't drink until after the surgery but still). The balloon says:

"We'll miss you"

The card wasn't actually for me, it was addressed to "Golly". She's so cute huh? And Logan drew me some sweet pictures of me and my cats, don't they look just like me?

Then Alyse shows up with some candy, a card and a balloon that says:

"It's a Girl!"

Apparently baby golly was a girl. Actually we're still not quite sure if it was a girl or a boy. Golly had a bunch of marble sized stones in it which my dad decided to refer to as balls, so according to him, if golly had balls it was definitely a boy.

Makes perfect sense to me!

And Gary shows up with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers! He's such a sweetheart. And my work also sent flowers, not because I had surgery, but because they felt so bad that I have to live with such a crazy little sister who draws penises on peoples faces.

Bout time they sent flowers for that.

So I was high on morphine this whole time so I was a little loopy.

Okay, a lot loopy.

And of course Chad shows up and decides to take it upon himself to push my morphine button for me.

"You'll thank me later" He says. Awwwww, big bro always lookin out for his lil sis.

So they made me stay over night at the hospital after the surgery and did you know that morphine apparently makes you forget how to pee? Yeah, I forgot how to pee. All this IV fluid going in and nothing was going out. I was going to pop like a water balloon. So this may be TMI but they had to give me a catheter to avoid such an explosion.

Little did I know they will not let you leave the hospital until you can pee, or "vacate" as they call it. So they say I'm good to go at 11 am but I can't effin pee!

I drink and drink and drink and have to pee so bad but when I try? Nothin. NOTHING. Why can't I pee? What the hell is wrong with me? I felt like a two year old, turning the water on in the sink and everything. My mom and dad anxiously waiting outside the door to see if I left a surprise in the toilet.

So long story short, they change my meds, go through another catheter until finally at 6:00 pm I peed all by my big girl self!!

I was so excited I walked out to where the nurses were stationed and yelled:

"I peed! I peed all by myself!"

After a few shocked stares from the nurses and other patients, my nurse comes running over. She was as excited as I was.

And of course I had to send out a text to everyone announcing that I finally peed and could leave the hospital.

I'm surprised Lindee didn't announce it on Facebook, she does everything else.

It was such a joyous occasion.

So now I am gallbladderless. What does a gallbladder do anyway? Girl or boy, I won't miss it.

Golly was such a pain in the ass.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Drawing a Penis On Your Bosses Face Can Only Lead to One Thing...

Can I just tell you that when you hang out with this chick, you never know what's going to happen?

I had to go out of town for a couple days for work and decided to drag my lil sis along to keep me company. She's always good for that at least.

So we arrive to some small remote town in Nevada on Thursday night. Now because I have to wake up early the next morning to go to work, we decided the only logical thing to do would be stay out until 3 in the morning. That's what any responsible employee would do right?

So we met up with Lindee's friend and explored this little town and found ourselves at a karaoke bar. Apparently Thursday nights are the BIG nights for Karaoke, the place was hoppin. Well, hoppin for Elko.

So we are enjoying ourselves, having a good time. Lindee's friend owed us some drinks for a bet he lost earlier so we took advantage of that deal right away.

More often then not when Lindee and I go out together we always get at least one person asking if we are twins. That night was no exception however it went a bit further, apparently we became known as the tall blonde mormon twins. People kept coming up to us saying they wanted to meet the tall mormon twins. Which of course was funny being that we were at a Karaoke BAR.

But whatev.

After a horrible attempt at karaoke, we decided to save ourselves any more embarrassment and go try out another club (you know the only other club in Eko? LOL). Funny thing, there were people there from the karaoke bar.

Did I mention it was a really small town? Haha!

But we had fun because there was a dance floor here and whenever Lin and I can get our feet on the dance floor we tend to lose track of time. Plus nobody ever told us to go home so we just stayed and burned off the grilled cheese we had earlier.

But we did finally make it back to the hotel and I got to sleep for about an hour and a half before I had to go to work.

It was awesome. Let me tell you I was lookin really good that morning.

Fast forward to Friday night, we went to a party that my work was throwing. My company throws the best parties (maybe the fact that they have an open bar every time has something to do with it). They're always a good time.

Little did I know Lindee would have a little TOO much fun at this one.

This was our dinner. It's basque food which includes cow tongue.

Cow tongue! I had warned Lindee about the tongue earlier but apparently she didn't care because she piled it right on top her plate next to the meatballs (I don't even want to know what kind of meatballs those were.)

And yes, she did eat it. Some of it anyway. And I dry heaved. And dry heaved again. Then puked all over the table.

Ok, no I didn't puke but I almost did! Later on in the evening after everyone was done with dinner and the band was playing, and the old people were dancing, my sister was dragged to the dance floor by my boss's boss.

This can't be good I thought.

Lindee had already told everyone a lot of embarrassing stories about me and there were plenty more to choose from! She already told my whole office about the magnet incident, the midget incident, both of which received quite the reaction from my coworkers.

I was loving it. Yeah, it was awesome. Thanks lil sis.

So later I find out that my boss was asking what we did the night before because I came into work looking like shit.

When Lindee told me that I had to laugh because it was so true, I barely had my eyes open that day at work! You know you've got an amazing boss if he can tell you when you look like shit.

The rest of the party was so fun and we were sad to see it end but the company loaded us all onto the bus to take us back to our hotel. This is us on the bus:

This was right before Lindee decided to take advantage of my inebriated boss. Not like THAT you sickos. The boss was passed out on the bus, his wife sitting next to him, when Lindee decides it would be a brilliant idea to go write on his face with mascara.

Yes, this is my boss's boss by the way.

So she draws a smiley face on his cheek while I'm yelling at her to sit down before I get fired! His wife thought it was hilarious, as did everyone else on the bus.

Apparently Lindee sucks at drawing on faces with mascara and the smiley face turned out to look more like a penis.

Yes, my little sister drew a penis on my bosses face. A penis people! Luckily his wife thought it was the funniest thing ever!

The next morning me and a few others in the office get an angry email from my boss asking who drew on his face. I'm like, oh shit, I'm dead. Good bye job. If I would have scrolled down a bit further in the email I would have read the part where he said he knew it was Lindee and he thought it was hilarious too.

But I didn't. So this whole time I'm thinking he is pissed and I'm gonna get it when I show up to work on Monday. What a relief to walk into his office and have him start laughing!


Luckily I didn't have to murder my sister after all.

The moral of the story?

Come on, there is NOTHING moral about that story!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

There Will Be No Crotch Watching Here

So remember like a month ago when I officially turned one year older? Yeah, well I finally have all the pictures from the little family get together downloaded. Only one month late. Whatev.

I know we have a lot of these little get togethers (or so Nikki tell's me) so I'm sure you're all sick of looking at them, but if you can make it through, there will be a special surprise for you this time.

Oh yeah, you're in for a treat.

How bout we start with the best part, family bonding.

Bonding? Phfsssh! Yeah right, I'm talking about presents!

This is a platter my dad gave me that matches my new place, it's beautiful and is sitting on my kitchen table right now!
(Notice cute lil Brolan on the very right hand side. He is constantly going, going, going. Trying to get him to stay still to take a picture is like a girl trying to pee in a urinal, it ain't easy!)

This is my "Awwwwwwwwwww" face, otherwise known as "I-can't-believe-you-gave-me-my-absolute-favorite-coffee-shop-gift-card-Beans-and-Brews-chai-here-we-come!" face. Thanks Lin for help feeding my addiction.

And thanks to everyone else for all the money!!! I like money. Alot.

Now, this is my "Ooooooooh" face, otherwise known as "I-can't-believe-I-have-to-wear-these-shoes-with-no-heal-because-I-no-longer-have-a-six-foot-five-dude-to-stand-next-to-anymore-where's-my-stilettos?" face.

Of course Logan cheered me up, he doesn't care how tall I am. He said he loves me as long as I keep buying his favorite beer and popsicles.

Awwwwww, thanks Logie!

And the on lookers were having such a good time watching me open my gifts. Seriously, I must be pretty entertaining. (Never mind the fact that they were all looking at Brolan at the time...)

Do these pics look familiar? Yeah, this is when the infamous dog pile took place. And yes, my brother's face does not change. Ever.

If you happen to scroll back up through the previous pics, you'll see what a dynamic guy he is. He's a riot.

Now for the second best part: The cake.

And by The cake, I mean


Okay, you've suffered enough. Now on to that treat I promised you. I believe a little explanation is in order first.

So you know my mom is getting married so she has put our house up for sale. I say "our" house because even though I haven't lived there for over ten years, it's my home. We all feel that way so this is very sad for all of us.


Deep breath.

So anyway, my mom has been going through all of the crap that has accumulated over the last 25 years in the house and asked us to go through a few things to see if we wanted to keep them or throw them out.

Well, I am a sentimental girl. (Insert Wicked's "A Sentimental Man" background music) And I found one of my old dance costumes. (The only one that wasn't shred to pieces that is, stupid little sisters!) And since I've started recycling (because I heard it's sexy) I thought to myself, I bet I can get some good use out of this old thing!

So....I guess that sort of explains what's going on in these next pics. Sort of.

And the only reason I have decided to post these pics is because sweet Lindee has already pasted them all over facebook. (However she was kind enough to keep the crotch and butt shots out.)

And no, I am not posting the crotch shots that my lovely photographer was able to capture in the following fashion shoot.

(Not that I have anything against crotches. I love looking at crotches. Just not my own.)

Don't you think this would be an awesome outfit to go dancing in? I thought so too.

Now I could tell that everyone else was a little jealous of my new find so I decided I'd let them have a go. First was Logan. (His dad is going to kill me for these pics! If you don't hear from me again, I am probably dead. Please send money in lieu of flowers, thanks.)

Doesn't he make the cutest bride?

I could tell my dad was getting sad that he didn't have a turn so I was like, "Fine whatever you can try it on too, just don't stretch it out bitch."

He just needed a little help is all...

And look at the beautiful bride! Everyone ready? 1 - 2 - 3 "AWWWWWWW!"

And while all this was going on, this was my sister in law's face:

"What the hell did I get married into?"

(I'm just randomly throwing in this picture because I think it turned out pretty cool.)

Oh, oh, oh! Looky, I got a picture of Brolan!

We are all so mature. So the rest of the time was spent doing the usual family activities like hand stand contests.

Of which I clearly kicked ass.

Oh, oh, oh! Looky, I got a picture of Brolan! (Maybe peeing in a urinal isn't so hard after all.)

And of course anytime anyone pays attention to Brolan, Logan starts to steal the show. So he decided to get his groove on.

Kid's got talent.

Must have come from his dad's side cuz it sure as hell didn't come from his mom.

Just sayin.

And before the sun went down, we had to make sure we got one more good dog pile in.

Logan was a little slow at joining in.

Okay, well if you've made it this far and have survived all the pictures I'll give you one more treat.

Meet Cleave:

(You thought I'd actually post a crotch shot on the Internet?)

(You're right I would. If it was Lindee's.)