Eff The Instructions

The instructions specifically said "DO NOT RUB IN".









I should have rubbed it in.

Butter Luck Next Time

It kind of just hit me that I have steppies. Yeah, I've got 2 sister steppies and 2 brother steppies.


Weird.


I've never had step siblings before, I'm only hoping this means more Christmas presents for me.


Me, and the hungry children of course. (I always think of the hungry children first.)


But, I think I like having steppies because it also means more weddings!




This is one of my new steppies Katie, she just got married isn't she gorgeous?






I loved her colors!





Never mind that her wedding was a month ago and I'm just barely posting about it....I haven't even posted about Easter yet! Fine, here's Katie and her new hubby on Easter:




You can tell they were made for each other.




The wedding was gorgeous, it was a beautiful day!






Everyone knows that I'm Logan's favorite but now I've got competition.




BIG competition.








Mike has been moving up in the ranks in Logan's opinion, but I'm destined to stay on top. This means war!






Ok, you may be wondering why I included a picture of the butter from our table at the wedding luncheon. Yes, the butter was great, one regular one raspberry, but that is not the reason why I took a picture.


I took a picture of the butter because of this girl:




She is constantly making me laugh....at her. So there we were, sitting at our table waiting for our food to be served and the servers come out and put the butter on the table first.


No rolls. No salad. Just butter.


As we continued to wait for the bride and groom I could see Lindee's face getting worried. I could tell she was really concerned. She continued to grow more and more anxious until she finally blurted out:


"I don't know why they brought out the ice cream before dinner, it's going to melt!"





And of course the table busted up laughing. Even the two strangers sitting at our table busted up.


I stupidly corrected her and told her it was butter, which I immediately regretted doing when Mike suggested that she eat it.


But it was too late, I had already opened my big mouth. After being with Mike for so long now I should have learned to keep my mouth shut and let her eat the butter.


Butter luck next time.

STDs Are Contagious. Practice Safe Facebook!

***Click HERE to enter the $50 Target Gift Card Giveaway!***



So the other night, Mike and I accompanied Lin and Lance to some cowboy bar to celebrate some chick's birthday. I have no idea who's birthday it was and I'm pretty sure Lindee didn't either, I think she just wanted free cake.





Mmmmm....Cake.


What? Oh yeah, the cowboy bar. So when we were taking a break from the bull riding, Lindee started passing her phone around to show everyone some pictures that she had taken and eventually the phone was passed to Mike and I.





Little did Lindee know the danger in letting her phone leave her possession, especially with Mike around!


Mike, Mr. Practical Joker, took it upon himself to update Lin's facebook status:


"Ass warts again?! Really!!!???"


Oh yeah, that just happened. She immediately started getting comments on her status, it was hilarious. She didn't notice it until a couple hours later when she noticed she was getting a lot of facebook notifications.


Bahahaha! I'm still laughing...


And of course since it was on her phone, she wasn't able to delete the status update.


Bahahaha! I'm still laughing...


Fast forward a week to when my family all got together to celebrate Lindee's birthday. Mike and I put together a special present for our dear ass wart ridden Lindee.


First was 40 bucks for ass wart use only, as you can see by the picture, the money is specifically designated to be used for her ass wart problem:





And, because Mike and I care about her well being, we got her some ass wart ointment to get her started on her recovery.





Yeah, it was pretty much her favorite birthday present ever.


(But wait, that's not the end of the facebook drama....stay tuned)

Told Ya There Was More Where That Came From

So Mike is basically the king of magic tricks. He works with preschool kids who know him as "Big Mike". He is amazing with little kids, they all love him and ask for him by name. He has tons of tricks up his sleeves to impress the little ones and as you know, plenty of practical jokes to piss off the big ones.


And by big ones I mean me.


You've already seen a couple of his practical jokes of which he loves to capture on video. This lovely trick of his was actually on Christmas Eve before we went to my Dad's house for our Christmas party.


Mike had been waiting for me to get ready which apparently gave him some time to think up this lovely joke and of course set up a hidden camera. So anyway, here's yet another Pooba embarrassing moment:






If you couldn't tell, that was a bowl of water that I dropped all over me and the floor.


And of course Mike had to clean it up.

How Long Can You Last?

POOBA VS BULL





Okay so I didn't stay on that long but I'm pretty sure it was longer than Lindee's last intelligent thought.




Lindee vs Bull




Lindee? Intelligent thought?


Who am I kidding?

Sip On This!

So a while back I posted 4 facts about things I have learned from the past, of which included:


1. When you're at dinner with Mike, always check your straw before taking a drink!


Many of you were thinking, what the hell is she talking about? Well, this is what the hell I was talking about:





The ketchup wasn't half as bad as when I got a straw full of salt in my milk!!! I spit it out all over my pancakes, luckily I was done eating and luckily Mike didn't have his flip video cam on hand!


Yeah.


And there's more where that came from, You remember the little Maze joke don't you?


Yeah.


Oh, and to make matters worse, my dad has decided to get in on the action. We go to lunch almost every Friday and a few weeks ago we were at Faustina's where I was telling him all about Mike's straw jokes. He was pretty impressed.





As he should be.


During lunch I got up to go to the bathroom and before I left I said to my dad: "Leave my straw alone!"


Somehow in the time it took me to come back from the bathroom I had totally forgotten what I had said to him just a few minutes earlier. And of course, like an idiot, I grab my straw to take a sip of my drink.





Yeah, he had spread honey all over my straw. The straw that I knew he was going to do something to just a few minutes earlier. The straw that I grabbed anyway without thinking.


I don't know what my dad thought was funnier, me with sticky hands and face or the fact that the honey was so obviously gobbed on the straw that he thought I would notice it for sure.


Come on dad, you know me better than that.


Now, how to get these practical jokers back???

I'm Totally Plagiarizing This Shit

Today, because I'm lazy and don't want to tell this hilarious story myself, my crazy lil sis is going to do it for me! You can read it on her blog HERE but since I know most of you are as lazy as me and can't fathom clicking the mouse button ONE. MORE. TIME. I went ahead and pasted it below.


You're welcome.



"Night Out On The Town"
By My lil slut sis





My sister took me to her work Christmas party because, well, everyone at her works loves/hates me. You see, during the summer I went with Pooba to Elko where one of the actual Gold mines for my sisters company is. While there, her work threw a party for everyone with unlimited drinks and food. This made for a very fun night, they also had a live band and we dance the night away. When it came time to go home, my sisters boss (who'd I'd gotten to know on the trip), was a bit to tipsy and passed out cold on the bus. When opportunity arises, I must take advantage. I borrowed some lip liner from a girl and hopped on over to his seat and drew a giant penis on his face.






Yes, it was a good decision and very mature of me despite what you think.






Not only is he my sisters boss, come to find out, he is over all the accountants at this giant company. I didn't realize who I was messing with I guess.






The next morning he sent out an email about business, accounts recievable, due dates blah blah blah, and at the end he included:



"It appears someone last night took advantage of my inebriated state last night, I will find you."






and then






"Just kidding, I know it was Lindee."






Tee hee.






Ok, so back to the christmas party, here is me and Pooba getting all dolled up:





I was a little nervous to go but Curtis had saved us a seat and was very nice to me!


I kept hearing this weird sound throughout the night and kept asking Pooba what it was. There was an older lady behind us who we determined had a squeeky chair, or was letting them loose all night.





Near the end of the evening, when the CEO is giving his speech. Me and Pooba hear it again, but much louder, a very distinguishing fart sound. Our whole table busts up laughing as silently as they could, I look at Curtis and he is bright red so I think it's him. Then it happens again and it finally clicks.



Everyone is looking at me.



I didn't even hestitate, I reached under my chair and felt the hard plastic of a fart machine. I ripped it off and chucked it at Curtis. He had gotten his revenge after 5 months of waiting.



Needless to say the night was memorable and totally fun, me and Curtis are buddy's now but I'm still trying to come up with ways to pay him back... any ideas???

Why Old People Should not be Allowed to Text...

My mom just recently sold my childhood home. Yeah, she got hitched and moved in with her new husband so she had to sell the house.


Sad.


While getting the house ready to sell, they realized the house needed a new roof. Her real estate agent, who's name is Rex (relevant later), suggested which roofers to go through so she hired them and they got the job done.


Why am I telling you this? Well a couple weeks after she moved she gets a text from one of her old neighbors. This neighbor's roof had a pretty bad leak and part of his roof actually caved in so he was asking if my mom was happy with the roofers she went through.


My mom replied to his text telling him that they did a good job so the neighbor asks for their phone number. Well my mom had no idea who the roofers were (she's really old) but she knew that her agent Rex would. So she started typing a text back:


"I don't know who the roofers are but I can give you Rex's number..."


But instead of writing Rex, she accidentally wrote sex. Amazingly, despite her old age, she realized her mistake and went back to fix it, but instead of hitting the delete button, she hit the send button instead. So my neighbor received the following text:


"I don't know who the roofers are but I can give you sex"


You didn't know my mom was such a giver did you? She felt so bad for the guy that she offered him sex. How nice of her!


Well, this neighbor is married and had been my mom's neighbor for over 24 years so luckily for her, he understood her very old state and knew it was a mistake. He replied:


"LOL, just wait until my wife gets home!"


And a few hours later, both parties were still laughing about it, my mom receives a text from his wife:


"Stay away from my husband! You've got your own now remember?"





Oh mom. I guess now you know where I get it from.

I Aint Afraid of No Maze!

Pooba v. The Maze
(Please pardon my dishevled look, I just woke up ok?)



December 20, 2010

Yeah, that just happened.

Shit Happens

Wow. Has it really been a month since I've posted?


Dude.


I have a little story to tell you so grab your barf bags and gather round, you're in for a treat.


One fine Sunday afternoon I come home after running a few errands, ready to finish my laundary and get my homework done. I was already feeling overwhelmed with the amount of homework and studying I had to get done that day so I was particulary anxious.


I walk into my house and see something on the floor in front of the bathroom door. I walk closer to investigate and realize that it was water from the toilet overflowing!


What? Did someone break into my house and try to flush a huge brown bomb down the toilet while I was gone?


So I open the bathroom door to stop the overflow. Bad idea. As soon as I open the door, brown water comes shooting out and starts flowing into my dining room.


WTF?


I look at the toilet and it is was litterly spewing shit. Shit water. Along with other things you find in a sewer. I was shocked. I knew I should turn off the water to the toilet but in order to do that I would have to wade through the shit water. And of course, without thinking, that's exactly what I did.


In my flip flops.


Gagging the whole time.


I turn off the water but it does nothing to stop the spewing toilet. Crap! Now what do I do? I stand back and just look helplessly as the water continues to saturate my dining room carpet. I need towells. Yes, thats what I need! So I throw off my flip flops and wash my feet off in the kitchen sink so I can run upstairs and grab my bath towels.


All of my bath towels.


I come back downstairs and by this time the water was creeping closer and closer to my kitchen table. So I drop the towels and have to move my kitchen table and chairs into the living room but in order to do that I have to move the couch and the automan first. So I finally finish rearranging my living room and get back to work at the matter at hand.





I try to create a dam the best I can with the bath towels. This seems to work for the moment and I was finally able to call a plumber and of course the soonest they could get there was in an hour.


An hour! My house would be full of shit by then! I hang up and start thinking, isn't there someway to turn off the water to the whole house? Maybe that will stop it. So I call my neighbor for his advice.


FYI: This is my next door, we share a wall, 50 year old single neighbor who likes to lay out in the back yard every time I do and periodically asks me out for drinks. (But that's a whole different story.)


Anyway...he's no help. I don't think he realized the magnitude of the situation, this wasn't just a little clogged toilet dude! Meanwhile the toilet is still going.


And going.


My towels are soaked, it's now leaking into the kitchen. I'm screwed. My landlord won't answer his phone, the plumber isn't going to be there for an hour so I call an emergency flood cleanup guy who also won't be there for 45 minutes!


So I just sit back and watch the sewer continue to make it's home in my house.


Turns out that there was a problem with the pipe outside my house. I live in a little subdivision of townhouses and the plumbing is set up so that each place has a pipe going directly from their toilet into the ground under the street & then combines into one big pipe that takes it out of the neighborhood.


The meeting point for everyone's pipes is right in front of my house soooo, when the main pipe got plugged, the sewer chose MY pipe, to MY toilet to MY house to use as it's exit.


So yes, I had the entire communitiy's poop in my house. And everything else they flush down the toilet. By the way whoever is flushing swiffer pads down their toilet needs to be shot. Just sayin.








Eventually the plumber got there and was able to remove the toilet and plug up the pipe to stop the sewer from coming in. My landlord finally got the message and came over after I had the flood guy and the plumber there working on the mess. He felt horrible, but he did stop and buy me donuts.


That makes everything better.


Thanks.


Anway so the past month I've been living in a construction zone. I got about 5 new roommates and they didn't even help with rent! The plumber dude, the flood dude, the carpet dude, the sanatizer dude, my landlord and a couple of construction workers lurking outside my house. They had to tear into my front yard and dig into the cement in my garage to get at the pipes.


Oh, and I forgot to mention that the flood seeped down through the floor and flooded into the basement too. Poop dripping from the ceiling.


Awesome.





So everything is pretty much cleaned up now, the kitchen floor still needs to be replaced but everything else is pretty much done.


Finally!


These pics are after the poop is all gone, I'll spare you any shitty pics.









Even though the bathroom is fixed, I don't go in there.


I refuse to use it.





It scares the shit out of me.

If It Has Balls, It Must Be A Boy

Thursday night I wake up at 3 in the morning, I guess that makes it Friday morning doesn't it? Anyway so 3 in the morning I wake up to feeling like my insides were havin a fricken bowling party or something. In other words, my tummy hurt. So I got up and took some good old Pepto Bismol because that fixes everything right?


Apparently not.


So after arguing with myself for an hour of whether to go to the ER or not, the pain in my stomach finally won and I got my pathetic ass out of bed and drove to the ER. I was expecting kidney stones, but no, the doc came back after the test results were in and told me he wanted to take out my gallbladder.


Sweet.


Sure, why not? That's exactly what I wanted to do on Friday the 13th. You know, wake up, go to brunch, get my gallbladder taken out, maybe catch a matinee. It's the perfect start to the perfect weekend.


So I decide it's time to call the parents, who of course yell at me for not calling them earlier and blah, blah, blah. Come on, if it was just indigestion would you appreciate being woken up at 4 am to travel 20 minutes to the ER?


No, I didn't think so.







So pretty soon the whole fam shows up and I'm lovin it. Not the pain or the situation, just that my family makes the best out of any situation. Lin shows up with this card, balloon, and a large B&B Chai (Which I can't drink until after the surgery but still). The balloon says:


"We'll miss you"







The card wasn't actually for me, it was addressed to "Golly". She's so cute huh? And Logan drew me some sweet pictures of me and my cats, don't they look just like me?









Then Alyse shows up with some candy, a card and a balloon that says:


"It's a Girl!"











Apparently baby golly was a girl. Actually we're still not quite sure if it was a girl or a boy. Golly had a bunch of marble sized stones in it which my dad decided to refer to as balls, so according to him, if golly had balls it was definitely a boy.


Makes perfect sense to me!





And Gary shows up with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers! He's such a sweetheart. And my work also sent flowers, not because I had surgery, but because they felt so bad that I have to live with such a crazy little sister who draws penises on peoples faces.


Bout time they sent flowers for that.





So I was high on morphine this whole time so I was a little loopy.


Okay, a lot loopy.


And of course Chad shows up and decides to take it upon himself to push my morphine button for me.


"You'll thank me later" He says. Awwwww, big bro always lookin out for his lil sis.





So they made me stay over night at the hospital after the surgery and did you know that morphine apparently makes you forget how to pee? Yeah, I forgot how to pee. All this IV fluid going in and nothing was going out. I was going to pop like a water balloon. So this may be TMI but they had to give me a catheter to avoid such an explosion.


Little did I know they will not let you leave the hospital until you can pee, or "vacate" as they call it. So they say I'm good to go at 11 am but I can't effin pee!


I drink and drink and drink and have to pee so bad but when I try? Nothin. NOTHING. Why can't I pee? What the hell is wrong with me? I felt like a two year old, turning the water on in the sink and everything. My mom and dad anxiously waiting outside the door to see if I left a surprise in the toilet.


So long story short, they change my meds, go through another catheter until finally at 6:00 pm I peed all by my big girl self!!


I was so excited I walked out to where the nurses were stationed and yelled:


"I peed! I peed all by myself!"


After a few shocked stares from the nurses and other patients, my nurse comes running over. She was as excited as I was.


And of course I had to send out a text to everyone announcing that I finally peed and could leave the hospital.


I'm surprised Lindee didn't announce it on Facebook, she does everything else.


It was such a joyous occasion.












So now I am gallbladderless. What does a gallbladder do anyway? Girl or boy, I won't miss it.


Golly was such a pain in the ass.