Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Piggy Crack

As I was sitting at my desk, I happened to look down at my foot and realized that I might be violating a serious fashion no-no.

I've got major toe cleavage.

What exactly is toe cleavage? Here are the shoes I am wearing today.

I'm sorry for showing you my foot so early in the morning, but I need to know, is this good or bad? Is toe cleavage like boob cleavage and the more I show, the more hookerish I become?

Am I being immodest? Is this appropriate work attire?

Personally I think I have ugly toe cleavage, I'm not exactly sure what good toe cleavage looks like but I'm pretty sure I don't have it.

I mean look at mine, my big toe is all squished in there next to my second toe and together they make these ugly toe wrinkles that make my foot look old and fat. Just look at those toes, it looks like they despise each other but Momma has forced them to hug and make up.

Instead of toe cleavage I think we should just call it piggy crack, it just doesn't look right to me, but how can you avoid it?

And what about dudes, what do they think of piggy crack, or do they even think about it at all? Attractive? Turn off?

Speaking of cracks, is butt cleavage really a good thing for a woman? Last time my sister and I went to Wendover, we got an eyeful of butt cleavage and of course I had to document the event with my camera phone.

Seriously, I don't wanna see that anymore than I wanna see this:

But people, help me out.

Toe cleavage.

Good? Bad? Sexy? Nasty?

Monday, September 28, 2009

Oh The Shame!

I really wasn't going to write about this, but I've written every other embarrassing moment in my life so why stop now right?

As you know I went to the fair a couple weekends ago.

I love the fair. I love anything with rides. And cotton candy. My husband thinks quite the opposite though, hates rides, hates fairs, hates people. Not all people, just those ones that breathe. So I went to the fair with my mom, Alyse (baby sis), Lindee (lil sis), and the neph Logan.

And yes, Alyse really did wear this outfit ALL day. And yes, she really did think it was stylish.

We made the mistake of taking Logan on the Tea Cup ride first. He hated it.

Hated. It.

So of course he was too scared to go on any other ride, good thing there was a train ride. He is obsessed with Thomas the train and love, love, loves trains. So we went on this ride quite a bit.

My goal at this fair was to try the deep fried goodness that I had heard so much about. Apparently you can deep fry anything snickers, oreos, even Coke! When in Rhome right? So this was our lunch:

A Navajo taco,

funnel cake,

deep fried peanut butter & Jelly sandwich,

and for dessert, deep fried cheesecake.

So after we each gained 30 pounds, we thought it only fitting that we go visit the pigs den.

There were some huge cows!

Among other BIG things.

So by this time, we were all exhausted, it was hot, dry and I was feeling dehydrated. I felt like I couldn’t drink enough water. You know how you are so thirsty but your stomach is so full you can’t drink anything more? That’s how I felt.

So we were about to call it a day when I realized that we hadn’t gone on one of my favorite rides, The Starship. You know the one where everyone climbs into a cylinder room and stands against the wall as the room begins to spin a billion times a minute?

Oh it’s the best!

So Lin, Lyse and I took our places against the wall. We laughed in anticipation as the Starship slowly started to turn. It wasn’t long before I could feel all my weight begin to press against the wall. We were then able to lift our feet off the ground and climb up the wall on our backs.

The Starship then went faster and my organs began to fight for space as they were all crammed up into my ribs. I looked over at Lindee and Alyse and they were laughing and truly enjoying the sensation.

I on the other hand felt something that I have never felt before on a ride, I was feeling nauseous. I closed my eyes as I tried to coax my stomach into settling down, and promised that soon the intestines would return to their home and all would be well again.

It wasn’t listening. While I was concentrating, the wall that I was forced against slid upward and I hit my head on the ceiling. That didn’t help things. Finally, the ride started slowing down and I could feel my intestines sliding back down into place and my heart finally left my throat to its home behind my ribs.

I opened my eyes just before the ride had stopped spinning. Big mistake.

I looked over at Lindee and realized this was it, this was the end and there was no going back now. I grabbed my mouth with my hand as my stomach forced the deep fried goodness from my belly back out the way it came in.

I spewed.

Luckily the other riders were not in target range so they were able to avoid any flying remnants. I, on the other hand, was not so lucky. I tried to clean myself up as best I could while trying to hide my face from other’s view. I heard sweet sis Lindee say that the ride operator would clean it up for me so I kept my head down as we exited the ride.

I heard the kids waiting in line moaning to their parents because they would have to wait until the mess was cleaned up before they got their turn on the Spewship. Yes I was embarrassed, but I felt even worse because I let myself down.

I not only disappointed those kids, I disappointed myself. I have always prided myself in my ability to handle any ride no matter how fast, no matter how high. But no longer, I am a failure.

I hang my head in shame.

Friday, September 25, 2009

There's A Hole In My Heart

Guys, I have some sad news, today is Mona's last day of her trip around the blogosphere.


I know I already miss her. I seriously feel weird not having her around. I find myself looking for photo opportunities for her, and then my heart aches when I realize she's gone.

If you missed her tour don't worry, you can still see her many adventures here:

(And if you think I was going to link every single blog below, then you don't know me at all! Just click on the day and it'll take you to the links. Doing things half ass is the only way to go.)

Day 1

California: Forever Folding Laundry, The R Family Diaries, From Dates to Diapers
Oregon:Good N Crazy
Washington: Beauty and the Little Beast
Nevada: It’s a Beauty Filled Life
Montana: Sacred & Profane
Idaho: The Petersons Go Public
Wyoming:A Life Less Sweet
Utah: Pulsipher Predilections and Pooba
Colorado: Cheapskate Mom
Arizona: One Fish, Two Fish, Three, Four, Five

Day 2

Minnesota: The Extraordinary Ordinary
Nebraska: Newly Wed, Newly Bred
Iowa: Fighting Off Frumpy
Wisconsin: Ann Rant’s
Illinois: Look It’s Megryansmom
Kansas: Superdumb Supervillian
New Mexico: Color Me Untypical
Texas: Baby Makin(g) Machine, June Cleaver Nirvana, A Southern Fairytale, and Tree, Root, and Twig
Oklahoma: Decisionally Challenged
Arkansas: A Daily Dose of Toni

Day 3

Louisiana: Crazy Adventures in Parenting
Mississippi: Flip n’Crazy
Georgia: The Blog Rollers
Florida: Live.Love.Eat
Georgia: Cutie Booty Cakes and Lattes and Life
South Carolina: Momspective
North Carolina: The World According to Me
Tennessee: Suburb Sanity

Day 4

Kentucky: Alas 3 Lads
Michigan: Buried with Children
Indiana: Moosh in Indy and Adventures in Babywearing
Ohio: Chefdruck Musings
West Virginia: My Life As It Should Be
Virginia: Lulaville
Pennsylvania: Stacy’s Random Thoughts, Feels Like Home, and My iRish Twins
Maryland: parenting BY dummies and Barely Domestic

Day 5

Maryland: Twofer Mom
New York: Yaya Stuff
New Jersey: Project Mommyhood
Connecticut: Always Home and Uncool
Rhode Island: Loving Mom Two Boys and A Wrinkle in Time
New Hampshire: One Dream, Two Hearts
Massachusetts: Jiggety Jigg

And you can always check out Moxie Media and the hot, very sexy girls behind it!

Better in Bulk
Mama’s Losin’ It
Mayhem & Moxie
Scary Mommy
& 7 Clown Circus

Goodbye Moxie Mona, Utah misses you.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Kick Ass Vacation

The best vacation I ever experienced was when the hubster and I went to Cancun last Jan 2008.

We stayed at the 5-star Excellence Riviera Cancun, an all inclusive, all adult resort. Yes, you read that correctly,

ALL inclusive
ALL adult

Seriously, could it be any better than that? (Said with my best Chandler impression, which doesn't sound like Chandler at all but you get the idea.)

They have 8 gourmet restaurants, 10 Bars, daily and nightly entertainment, and when you're laying out at the beach, they constantly serve you pina coladas, margaritas, and whatever your heart desires! (All included mind you!)


It was a week of heaven.

A vast change from the vacations that I was used to growing up. Not that my family vacations weren't fun, they were just a more budgeted type of fun. Which brings an embarrassing story to mind.

An embarrassing moment involving me? Shocking, I know.

Gosh, I was probably around 10 years old when my family went to California. We stayed in a small motel outside of Disney Land so we could walk to and from our Motel. One night we were walking back to our Motel and I remember walking directly behind my brother.

Being the good little sister I am, I started to kick the bottom of his feet as we walked. Lately this had become a habit of mine, I wasn't trying to trip him, I was just kicking the soles of his shoes straight on so his legs would kick forward as he walked.

He kept stopping while I was doing this so that instead of kicking his foot I would kick the air and the momentum of my leg would cause me to lunge forward and lose my balance. He thought this was pretty funny.

I on the other hand was getting very irritated. So I started plotting my revenge as we continued walking. I was planning to catch him off guard and kick the bottom of his foot with so much force that his leg would fly so far in front of him that he would lunge and lose his balance.

I would show him! (Evil grin)

So I planned this kick perfectly, when he wasn't suspecting it I bent my right knee behind me to get the most momentum possible and swung my leg as hard as I could in front of me.

I remember it as if the kick was in slow motion and right before my foot was about to hit my brother's foot, he dodged out of the way and my foot continued forward and slammed into the shin of an unsuspecting man walking the opposite direction.

I just kicked a stranger as hard as I could in the shin! The man apparently didn't speak English because as he crippled over in pain he screamed at me in some foreign language that I couldn't understand. He gestured with his hands pointing at his shin and screamed something that I can only guess translated to,

"What the F***!!?!!?"

Of course I don't know for sure that this is what he yelled but what would you yell if some kid just assaulted you for no reason!

I didn't know what to do so I just said "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!" and went to hide in front of my mom. I remember we just kept walking and I would peek back at the man who was still frozen in shock staring back at me.

I felt horrible! And of course blamed it on my brother, but to this day I can still see that poor man bent over holding his shin with the look of shock and pain on his face.

You can go check out Seven Clown Circus to participate in Day 3 of the Moxie Media kick off!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Not The Mona Lisa

This is Mona.

Pretty hot right?

Mona and I took part in a blog tour hosted by:

Better in Bulk
Mama's Losin' It
Mayhem and Moxie
Scary Mommy
& 7 Clown Circus

When she showed up at my doorstep I was blinded by the sun bouncing off her metallic cuffs wrapped around her tiny, yet oh so strong wrists. I was a little hesitant and skeptical about her visit, but after I saw that she was wearing nothing but this primary colored fantastical starry leotard that I knew we would be best friends forever.

And ever.

This was her first trip to Utah so I felt compelled to show her around, first stop of course was my house. I had been anticipating her visit and hoped she would get along with my furry children. She and Dozer had a rough start,

But after Mona explained that she was in fact not a dog toy and did not show up just for his entertainment and ultimate snack, Dozer began to realize that Mona was special. Very special indeed.

To show that he had no hard feelings, he treated her to a massage. Technically the massage chair treated her, but whatev.

As I contemplated where to start her tour of Utah, I thought to myself, when one thinks of Utah, what’s the first thing that pops into their mind?


Mona heard that the men in Utah all had at least 12 wives and 52 children, so what better place for us to start our tour than at Brigham Young’s old house? This is where he and his million wives and billion children lived, now called The Beehive House.

Moving along, she got acquainted with Joseph Smith and his first wife.

I showed her the Lion House where many wedding luncheons are held.

And I showed her probably the most famous building in Utah, The Salt Lake City Temple.

At any given time you can usually catch a bride and groom exiting the temple after getting married, as we did here.

Mona couldn’t believe the absolutely beautiful architecture of the temple and the fine details surrounding the whole building.

We visited the old conference building where the famous Mormon Tabernacle Choir practices.

I showed her the pioneers and told her of the heroic stories of them traveling by handcart across the United States to Utah.

Upon exiting Temple Square we came across the usual transits begging for money. This chick apparently is pregnant and apparently is homeless and apparently has no money. But her hair was purple. I didn’t understand how she could dye her hair when she didn’t have any money in the first place.

But I gave her a dollar anyway.

We then ran into these two riff raffs that were actually performing for cash, I won’t tell you how much cash it took to get them to take a picture with Mona, I’ll just say Mona was feeling very generous that day.

Moving on we went to my personal favorite coffee shop in the state, Beans and Brews. We shared a Pumpkin Spice latte while discussing the economy and some smart shit like that.

And what goes better with coffee than donuts? The best donuts in Utah can be found in downtown SLC at Banbury Cross Donuts. My dad and I alone could keep these guys in business; luckily the rest of Utah agrees that these donuts simply rock!

I showed Mona where I went to School, The University of Utah. Which is also where the opening ceremony for the 2002 winter Olympics was held. Yep, take that Canada!

Just like our license plates claim, we really do have the best snow on earth. I mean check out the mountains?

Later on that evening I treated Mona to the best pizza in Utah, Sweet Home Chicago. (Yes I am aware that the pizza doesn’t really represent Utah at all, but still, it’s in Utah right?)

It was here that she witnessed the utter destruction that happens every time I eat at this place.

I thought it best to call it a night after that!

Next stop on our tour was the desert.

Otherwise known as St. George Utah, where people are known to melt into the pavement from the heat. We visited our condo and Mona enjoyed the sun.

She also found a new friend in Logan who was happy to show her around.

Later that evening Mona was able to go to a play at the Tuacahn Theatre! She couldn’t believe how beautiful the outdoor theatre was with nature’s red rock as it's back drop.

She had a great time.

The last day of her stay in Utah we spent at the State Fair! And well, you know what goes on at a state fair.

So I think I wore Mona out because she slept for 5 hours after the fair, but she loved it, I could tell by the smile on her face!

Now go check out where she headed next!