Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Metal Mouth Horse Face

I'm still digi-scrappin.

No, Tara, I promise I really am!

It's been a while since I've shared any of my pages with you so I thought I'd make your day a little brighter and post some purely for your enjoyment.

Now you can finally get a good night sleep tonight. Your significant other can thank me tomorrow. With Flowers.

And Chocolates.

This first one is from that weekend last year when Logan taught me a few things about photographay. I love the picture of his legs on the right hand side, so cute!

This second one is of my niece last Easter. I can't believe it's already been a year since then, I will have to get some more pictures of her this weekend at our Easter party!

Now you need to prepare yourself for this last one, it is very scary and I don't want you to faint so you better sit down before you look at it.

So, okay, here it is.

The hair.

I know, the hair is big and frizzy and tacky but I didn't do it. This was a drill team picture so some chick right out of beauty school decided that this fro would be perfect for my skinny horse face.

She gave me a mane. I was closer to a horse then I'd ever been in my life. You could have stuck some carrots in front of my face and I would have followed you anywhere.

The braces.

I was a Junior in High School. A Junior in High School with Braces.

I didn't lose my last tooth until I was in 11th grade! The dentist finally had to pull it out because my adult tooth was growing sideways into my gum. I had to get braces to pull that bastard down.

They hooked a chain to that bastard tooth and attached the other end to the wire on my braces, so it would essentially pull the tooth down.

So not only did I have a gaping HOLE in my mouth, which made me feel like I was twelve, but I had geek braces with a freakin chain hanging below my teeth.

It wasn't a pretty sight. Luckily that picture was taken on the "good" side and you can't see the gaping hole and chain.

But you can still see the braces.

God I hated those braces.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Always Use Rubbers While Screwing

It may be snowing outside my window right now, but that doesn't mean Spring isn't around the corner. And what's so great about Spring?

Spring Cleaning!!

[Insert cheers and applause here.]

Now I've started a little early, just trying to get things organized and get rid of all the junk in my house. My latest project was the cupboard under my kitchen sink. It was organized at one point but then too much crap started accumulating until, well, it looked like this:

So, with Boomhower's help, I took everything out so I could scrub that sucker down.

I don't know what I would do without Boomhower, he made sure there were no spiders or any other deadly creepy crawly things under there. He basically risked his life for me. And he should, I'm the one that gives him his ice water every day for hell's sake.

Most of the crap under there are stains from the last 30 years the house has been in existence. I don't even want to know what that white substance is on the wall or how it found it's permanent home frozen mid drip on the cupboard underneath my sink.

All I know is that it wasn't from me....er....I mean Albert.

And don't worry, I practice safe cleaning, I always use rubbers.

Gloves people.

Rubber GLOVES sickos.

So scrubbing it didn't do much for the aesthetics but at least I know it's clean! (Yes, I cleaned it AFTER Boomhower inspected it.)

My ultimate goal is to store my cleaning supplies in the area that they are used. So I moved all the cleaners that I don't use in the kitchen to their new homes and now I have much more space and can actually find what I'm looking for.

Now, for my favorite part. I was walking through the isles of Bed Bath and Beyond when I came across this under-the-sink shelf. We had a moment when we first laid eyes on each other. All the background noise and people faded away and it was only me and shelf sharing some sort of intangible connection. I'm pretty sure I heard harps and I knew we were meant for each other. And shelf knew he was meant for me, he practically jumped in my cart, I had no choice but to bring him home.

He is expandable and the shelves are adjustable so you can custom fit him under your sink. Very cool and I did it all by myself! I used one of those doo-hickies that turns those other metal thingies into the shelf so they stay together.

Yep, I screwed all by myself!

So lets get on with it already and do a before and after.



You can't really see it in the picture but now there is storage behind the shelf where I store our flower vases (because we never use them) and other things that I don't use very often. I'm thinking of putting the iron back there so I can avoid any more mishaps in the future.

And because I like things to match, I'm going to buy some mesh steel containers to replace those ugly plastic ones I'm currently using. Something like dis:

I know you're all pumped right now to go home and get to screwing so I won't take up any more of your time.

Just remember, always use your rubbers!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

At Least It Wasn't My Boob This Time

Iron: 1

Pooba: 0

At least it wasn't my boob this time.

I probably shouldn't say that, I still have 2 more pairs of pants to iron at home.

Hopefully my boob will come out unscathed.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Our Old Man

Happy Birthday Dozer!

Dozer just turned 70 years old.

It just breaks my heart.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Gettin Serious On Your Ass

Do you ever look back to when you were younger and how you imagined what your life would be like at the age you are now?

I just have to laugh when I do that because I was such a different person way back when. I'm still "me", but my beliefs have changed, my priorities have changed, what I want in life has changed, but I do feel like I am a better person now because of these changes.

(My brother and I a long, long time ago)

I was reading my old journal the other day and just laughed at myself. I had written down a few goals that I wanted to accomplish in the summer between my 7th and 8th grade years in school. Here are just a few:

1. To be in a good and happy mood.

2. To walk Sugar (my dog) everyday.

3. To do good in ballet class.

Those were the most important things to me at that time! They just seem so trivial to me now. To be in a good mood? Who makes that goal?

I'm such a dork. (I guess some things never change.)

(My twelth birthday party. Yes, that is you and you and you in this picture. And you too.)

Have you ever sat down and thought what your ultimate goal is in life? The reason why you are living?

For some people it is to be successful, for others it is to have a family and be a parent, and for some people religion plays a big role in their life and they ultimately want to make it into what their belief of heaven is.

So obviously I've been thinking lately what my ultimate goal is in life. What do I need to accomplish in order to feel happy, to feel satisfied, and it has me curious to see what everyone else's goals are.

What's your ultimate goal? Be a mom or dad? Be happy? Successful?

Has it changed throughout your life?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Total Awesome Nerdiness

As Bert tells me every day, I am a nerd.

Specifically a checklist nerd.

I love checklists! I have checklists for everything. Packing, home inventory, wine inventory, medication, household chores, pet care, groceries, Internet websites, etc.

But now, I have taken my checklist nerdiness to new heights and have merged it with my movie geekiness. A simple math equation really.

(Yes I have math nerdiness too).

Checklist Nerdiness + Movie Geekiness = Total Awesome Awesomeness!

I am a huge movie lover as I've mentioned many times before. Ever since I took a film class in college, I just love dissecting films and giving them my own, very influential, *rating. Old new, black & white, color, it doesn't matter I will watch any movie.

So I decided that I cannot call myself a true movie lover unless I have seen the top 100 movies, and of course when I got that idea, my nerdy mind went directly to:


So, I'd like to invite everyone to join me in this journey so you too can reap the total awesomeness that is total awesome awesomeness! Yes, I have decided to share that very checklist with you.


I could easily have this checklist copyrighted and charge ridiculous amounts of money for it, but out of the kindness of my wee little heart, I'm giving it to you free of charge.

Because I like free.

AFI Top 100 Movie Checklist

Just click on the link to download. (It looks much cuter on my computer but for some reason the font wouldn't stay when I uploaded it.)

In 2007, AFI presented the top 100 movies of all time. (Which means any movies made after 2007 will not appear on the list.)

I decided to start at 100 and move my way on up to the number one movie. Right now I am on number 96, Pulp Fiction. (A movie that I LOVE! *4.5)

To help you in rating the movies, I will share with you my special rating system. (It is a very accurate movie rating system. *ahem*)


Scale 0.0 tot 5.0

0.0 - Worst. Movie. Ever: "I would rather die than watch this movie again."

0.5 - I really hated this movie: "I wouldn't wish this movie on my worst enemy."

1.0 - I hated this movie: "I wanted to poke my eyes out."

1.5 - I really didn't like this movie: "I just wasted 2 hours of my life on this?"

2.0 - I didn't like this movie: "I would never rent or buy this movie."

2.5 - This movie was just so-so: "Meh, I could take it or leave it."

3.0 - This movie was okay: "Definitely rental worthy but I wouldn't see it in theaters."

3.5 - I liked this movie: "Definitely theater worthy, I would go see this movie again."

4.0 - I really liked this movie: "I'm definitely buying this for my movie collection!"

4.5 - I loved this movie: "I totally connected with this movie, I could watch it again and again."

5.0 - Best. Movie. Ever: "I want to marry this movie and have it's babies."

So download the list, print it out and get to watching!

Do it for the children.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

What the What?

At my place of employment, I have this one particular coworker who just isn't "all there".

And everyone knows it.

You know who I'm talking about, there's one in every office.

Don't get me wrong, he does his job, but he creates most of the work he does himself because he's so old fashioned. For the purposes of this post, we will call him Mr. Barfboogerface.

Mr. Barfboogerface says the most random things to you out of the blue and everyone in the office just humors him.

It. Is. Hilarious.

So I've decided to keep an account of the things he says because well, who says stuff like that?

A little background on him first, he is in his early 50's, is overweight, is bald & freckled, has never been married, has never had kids, lives alone, and his life is his work.

He has back problems and other health issues of which he is determined to let everyone in the office know about. Not only know about, but know every detail of his medical history.

The only interaction he has with other human beings is at work, which is why he always stays at work late. There's no point in him going home, he has nothing to go home to. I know it's sad but he lives in his own reality he makes for himself, I don't ever see this changing.

His office is full of papers. No, I don't think you understand, I mean papers all over his desk, his shelves, piles and piles on the floor, people can't even walk into his office it's that bad!

(Not his real office but pretty close to it!)

And of course they recently moved his office right next to mine so guess who gets to be the recipient of any new health issues and/or big problems with important things like paper towels?

You guessed it. Me.

This here is a conversation, though mostly one sided, between Mr. Barfboogerface and another coworker of mine in the break room. The normal coworker, we'll call him Dave, was warming up his lunch in the microwave when Mr. Barfboogerface walks in.

Mr. B: "Hi, what's going on?"

Dave: "Just warming up my lunch." In his mind he's thinking, oh crap, my food has 4 more minutes! I'm stuck with him for 4 whole minutes!

Mr. B: "Oh. I just need to get some paper towels."

The paper towel roll was empty so Mr. Barfboogerface gets another roll out of the cupboard and while he is replacing it he says,

Mr. B: "You know, I blow my nose with these."

Awkward pause.

Mr. B: "Well, not these ones here at work of course, but when I'm at home."

Dave: Nods his head trying not to laugh.

Mr. B: "Now these paper towels only have the big sheets but I like the ones that are smaller so you can pick your size. Those are the ones I use."

Dave: Blank stare.

Mr. B: "Ya know, I always run out of these at home. I usually buy two at a time but since I use them so often, I just bought a 10 pack and put two inside my house and the rest in the garage." He is speaking very matter-of-factly as if this is important and valuable information.

Dave: Blank stare.

Mr. B: "But my garage isn’t attached to my house and I hate going out there so when I run out of paper towels I never want to go get more. And then when I get home from work and park in the garage, I never remember to bring some more up! " Sighs.

Dave: Blinks.

Mr. B: "Finally I found some extra space in my pantry where I can store them all so I don’t have that problem anymore."


Mr. B: "I should probably stop using these to blow my nose."

And with that, he walked out of the break room.

Dave said nothing this whole time but was pretty excited to come and recite his whole "conversation" with Mr. Barfboogerface to me.

My response?

"What the what?"

Friday, March 12, 2010

I Cannot Brain Today, I Have The Dumb

I propose a new law for the color black. Only one shade of the color black should be allowed, no variations. That way, you can buy black pants at one store and a black jacket at another store and they are guaranteed to match. There will be a test that every black color has to take and if the color does not pass, it cannot be called black.

Brilliant, I know.

Facebook needs to have a "dislike" button, not just the "like" button.

Why are there scuff marks on the toilet seats where I work?

When I was little, my favorite thing to do was to press my palms against my eyes and hold them there until I could see crazy moving designs and colors in the back of my eyelids. I probably damaged my eye sight a great deal doing that.

And my brain.

Why must people come into my office, fart, and then leave pretending like they didn't just leave a huge stink bomb hovering over my head?

I always thought that in Prince's song "Little Red Corvette" it said "livin on up" instead of "little red corvette" in the chorus. I just found this out last year.

Listen Here.

I hate it when people pronounce the word "our" as "are".

I hate that dried crusty milk on top of the milk jug. Especially when it falls into my cereal.

No matter what emotion I am feeling, it always brings tears to my eyes.

Happy? Tears.
Sad? Tears.
Mad? Tears.
Excited? Tears.

Will someone please tell my tear ducts to shut the hell up?

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

We're All Mad Here. Seriously.


Friday night was...interesting.

The plan was that after work, I would pick up Andrea and we'd go eat sushi at Blue Fish for dinner and then see Alice In Wonderland.

That was the plan.

Work that day was a little stressfull. Okay a lot stressful, but not enough to prevent me from dreaming of my favorite sushi roll, The Hungry Roll, at Blue Fish. It is SOOOOO delicious, any roll topped with lobster has to be good right?

Why it took me 25 years to try sushi I will never know, but it is food of the Gods.

I think the Sushi Gods were conspiring against me for my lack of sushi interest for so many years because complication after complication developed at work that day. As 5:00 rolled around, I started getting nervous, I couldn't leave work until I met my deadline, which, at the time, was NOW!

I was supposed to pick Andrea up at 6:00, and as I watched the clock tick away on my computer while progress continued to slow, my dreams of sushi began to diminish.

6:00 came and 6:00 went.

Damn you Sushi Gods.

Finally I was able to leave at 7:00. SEVEN! The movie started at 7:45 so I was racing the clock driving straight from work to Andrea's house, about twenty minutes.

I was a mess at this point. My hair was all frizzy from trying to pull it out all day, my makeup had pretty much worn off, and my heart was pounding out of my chest.

Shit. I don't know how to get to her house from the freeway! So she tries to explain directions to me over the phone. This proved to be very difficult for her to do, being that she DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE SHE LIVES! How many years have you lived there now Annie?

Serioiusly, the directions I got went something like this:

"So you turn at the light, then there's a church and then a few streets down from that there's a street sign that kind of sticks out a little bit more then the others and you turn there. Oh, but when I said turn at the light, I meant the second light, not the first. Okay, so then the road winds around and you turn at a creepy looking house. Then there are big houses and you make another turn and keep driving around until you get to my house."


I only took two wrong turns out of three and only went in one full circle before I reached her house. Do you realize how many spooky houses there are in that neighborhood? Sheesh.

I honk as I'm pulling into the driveway.



Okay, I think, maybe she didn't hear me. So I leave the car running as I hop out and go knock on the door. Halelujah she answers the door!

Sigh, relief!

While she puts her dog away I run back out to the car. In my haste, I grab the handle to my car door and pull extra hard expecting it to open. But no, I almost rip my shoulder out of it's socket.

The door doesn't budget. I tug again.


I look closer and noticed that the door wasn't shut all the way so I thought if I could just pull a little bit harder....

Nope. Oh, I know! I'll push it all the way shut and then it will open.


We are officially locked out of my car.

My car is running.

I'm hitting my car door.

Andrea is trying not to laugh.

Like my keys, my phone and purse are locked in the car so I borrow Andrea's phone and try to call Al. Of course she has to have one of those fancy touch phones that I have no idea how to use.

I try dialing three times.

"You must dial the area code when dialing this number..."

Damn you operator!

"Andrea! How do you hang this up?!"

This goes on until finally I'm able to get through to Al.

Al was not happy.

But he comes, and brings my keys. Andrea and I were waiting inside the house when we hear a knock on the door.

Yay! Finally, every thing's going to be okay. I think.

Oh no. My car keys aren't actually real keys, they are just car remotes that you stick straight into your ignition. Because my other remote was already in the ignition, the spare remote couldn't override it.

So the doors wouldn't unlock. The trunk wouldn't pop open. The spare remote was useless.

And the car was still running.

Then, my predominate brilliance takes control and a light bulb appears above my head. There's an emergency key in the remote! Take the key out, take the key out!

Others were doubtful.

I knew it would work.

What d'ya know, the brilliant blonde saves the day. (The day that she totally ruined)

With no time for goodbyes, Andrea and I hop in the car and as soon as the doors are shut I try to put my seat belt on but, like the car door, it wouldn't budge. I let it go and try again.


Third time, stuck.

Andrea busts up.

I bust up.

We made it just in time for the previews.

Was it worth it? Yes.


Because after the movie we walked into Blue Fish 5 minutes before they closed and ate to our hearts' content.

The Sushi God's were very pleased.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Heaven Called and They Want Their Rolls Back

Imagine waking up Saturday morning to the sweet aroma of fresh from the oven cinnamon rolls.

That right there is heaven to me. Well, it could be hell if I couldn't actually EAT those cinnamon rolls, but I pray to God that will never happen. And God loves me so I think I'm safe.

I don't know what's been wrong with me lately but I've been baking up a storm of bread, cookies, bagels, cakes, and cinnamon rolls. I just can't stop myself. Ok, I haven't really tried to stop myself but I'm sure I couldn't if I tried, I'm pretty stubborn that way.

And this has not made Albert happy either. He can't eat anything I cook so basically that hell situation I explained above is his reality.

Albert: "Why can't you be obsessed with cooking something I can actually eat like chicken and potatoes?"

Me: "Um, because that is boring and gross and you can't snack on that while you're baking it! There's no spatula or bowl covered in sweet batter waiting to be licked afterwards. Sheesh."

So my coworkers have received most of the benefits of my baking obsession, and sadly, the hubster has not.

Okay so are you still staring at those cinnamon rolls above wondering how the hell you can get them from your screen into your watering mouth? Well wipe off your chin and put on your apron because I've got the recipe to share with you!

I promise I'm not trying to make all of you fat.

Just most of you.

And as I've told you before, I'm a pretty messy cook!

This time I managed to keep myself clean but Dozer wasn't so lucky.

Oops. He wasn't too happy with me.

Okay so here's the recipe for all you fatties!


*I only made half the recipe which made 25 rolls. The full recipe makes 50! I'm not a big fan of maple frosting, so I also made a regular glaze frosting too which was delish. A cream cheese frosting would be excellent as well!

Recipe is from The Pioneer Woman Cooks.
Pictures are, well, mine.

1 Quart whole milk
1 Cup vegetable oil
1 C sugar
2 Packages (4 ½ t) active dry yeast
9 Cups flour
1 Heaping teaspoon baking powder
1 Scant teaspoon baking soda
1 Tablespoon salt

2 C Melted butter, plus more as needed
¼ C Ground cinnamon for sprinkling
2 Cups Sugar

Maple Icing
2 lbs Powdered sugar
½ C Whole milk
6 Tablespoon (3/4 stick) Butter, melted
¼ C Strongly brewed coffee
Dash of salt
1 Tablespoon maple flavoring or maple extract

1. For the dough, heat milk, vegetable oil and sugar in a medium saucepan over medium heat; do not allow the mixture to boil. Set aside and cool to lukewarm

2. Sprinkle the yeast on top and let it sit on the milk for 1 minute.

3. Add 8 cups of the flour. Stir until just combined, cover with a clean kitchen towel, and set aside in a relatively warm place for 1 hour.

4. Remove the towel and add the baking powder, baking soda, salt, and the remaining 1 C flour, Stir thoroughly to combine. Use the dough right away, or place in a mixing bowl and refrigerate for up to 3 days, punching down the dough if it rises to the top of the bowl.

5. To assemble the rolls, remove half the dough from the pan. On a floured baking surface, roll the dough into a large rectangle, about 30x10 inches

6. To make the filling, pour 1 cup of the melted butter over the surface of the dough. Use your fingers to spread the butter evenly.

7. Generously sprinkle half of the ground cinnamon and 1 cup of the sugar over the butter. Don’t be afraid to drizzle on more butter or more sugar!

8. Now, beginning at the end farthest from you, roll the rectangle tightly toward you. Use both hands and work slowly, being careful to keep the roll tight.

9. When you reach the end, pinch the seam together. When you’re finished, you’ll wind up with one long buttery, cinnamony, sugary, gooey log.

10. Transfer to a cutting board and with a sharp knife, make 1 ½ inch slices. One log will produce 20 to 25 rolls. (I use a peace of thread so that the rolls don't get smashed!)

11. Pour a couple of tablespoons of melted butter into to the desired pie pans or baking dishes and swirl to coat. I used two 13x9 inch pans for half of the recipe which made 25 rolls! The full recipe will make 50! Place the sliced rolls in the pans, being careful not to over crowd

12. Repeat the rolling/sugar/butter process with the other half of the dough and more pans. Preheat oven to 375 degrees cover the pans with a kitchen towel and set aside to rise on the counter top for at a least 20 min before baking.

13. Remove the towel and bake for 13 to 17 min, until golden brown. Don’t allow rolls to become overly brown.

Maple Frosting:

14. In a large bowl, whisk together the powdered sugar, milk, butter, coffee and salt.

15. Splash in the maple flavoring

16. Whisk until very smooth. Taste and add in more maple, sugar, butter or other ingredients. As needed until the icing reaches the desired consistency. The icing should be thick but still pourable.

17. While the rolls are still warm, generously drizzle icing over the top. Be sure to get it all around the edges and over the top. Now I'm not a big fan of maple so I made half of the cinnamon rolls with a powdered sugar/milk/butter/vanilla frosting.

18. As they sit, the rolls will absorb some of the icing’s moisture and flavor.

Eat em while their hot!