Monday, December 28, 2009

I Was Going to Title This Post "ALOHA", But I Know Some of You Don't Speak Hawaiian. So I Didn't.

We have now safely returned from Hawaii. I wish I could say the same for one certain piece of luggage but that's a whole other story.

Holy Jeebus I don't even know where to start. The Hawaii trip was a Christmas gift from Alex's parents, the whole family went and stayed for a week on Maui. We stayed at a gorgeous house in Lahaina, here are a few photos of the place we stayed.

The view from the house:

This was a trip full of surprises. My mom-in-law surprised us by getting everyone first class tickets for the flight! Not only that but she also gave us all Bose headsets to watch movies and listen to our ipods with. (And I was in desperate need of a new headset, score!)

Now I know why they say "first class is the only way to fly." You don't have to wait in that awful long line to get through security and you get to board the plane first. When you sit down the first thing they do is give you a Mai Tai, and then another, and another. I asked Al if they paid the flight attendants who worked in first class extra because they all were just so happy to help you.


I totally soaked it up because I knew it would be the one and only time I would fly first class. I kind of felt like Jack in Titanic, you know trying to fit in with Rose and all the elite? Only I didn't spit off the side of the boat. Because we weren't on a boat. And well, I don't know how to hock a loogie.

Ok got a little side tracked there, where was I?

Oh yeah, Hawaii. It rocks. I want to live there. Forever.

And Ever.

Cris surprised us again by getting us all lei'd when we stepped off the airplane at 4 in the morning.

You'd think it'd be awkward all getting leid at the same time but it was so late we were all okay with it. (Hey, I know the whole "getting leid" joke has been done many times before but I still think it's funny, and that's all that counts. Sorta. Ok I suck I should have just left it alone but now I've gone on too long and totally ruined the whole joke. Good God will someone just shut me up?)

While at the house, the majority of our time was spent throwing children.

When not throwing children, we were at the beach. On our first day at the beach we were all minding our own business, the kids playing in the water, the girls wading on the shore, and the guys snorkeling in the ocean.

(For the record, Cris was NOT picking her nose. At least that's what she tells me.)

Like I said, minding our own business.

At the time I was laying on my towel reading a book, you know, minding my own business.

So we were all minding our own business, nobody's business but our own, when I see in the corner of my eye some strange old man walking my direction.

In my head I'm thinking, "Please keep walking, please keep walking, please keep walking" but guess what he did?

He kept walking.

No, he didn't keep walking, why would I bring him up if he just walked by? He stopped right next to my towel and said, "Excuse me?"

Annoyed, I look up and see him holding out some coral in one hand and a rolled cigarette in the other. (Identical to some illegal substance that one might roll up and smoke, or cook into brownies. Or so I hear.) He started blabbing to me about how the coral was clean and dry and was already dead so I couldn't get into trouble for taking it home.

He hands it to me and I'm not sure what to do. I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I walk over and show the kids the coral, pretending to be fascinated by it, and then I hand it back to Crazy Weed Dude.

He tells me to keep it, I'm like, okay thanks, and I put it on a towel by our stuff.

I expected Crazy Weed Dude to walk away but he doesn't. He approaches me and Rachael mumbling something totally incoherent so we just brush him off and he leaves.

Finally, he's gone!

Oh but he wasn't gone. He walked into the ocean to swim for a bit but stayed near by.

After his little dip in the ocean, he comes back and approaches Rachael again, this time she understands what he says. He asks her if he can use the kids' bucket and she politely says no, the kids are using it. He then explains that the reason he gave us the coral was in exchange for him to use our bucket.

What? Crazy Weed Dude just won't quit and we start thinking that maybe he's trying to distract us while his accomplice steals all of our stuff from the beach. So just to be safe, I walk back to my towel and grab my bag, when I turn back around I see this:

Somehow Crazy Weed Dude managed to get the coveted bucket. We all watched while he taught the kids how to use the sand and water to drip onto the sand castle and make strange looking peaks.

And of course we all stayed close and watched him (and our stuff) like a hawk while he interacted with the kids. We were all just humoring the guy because he clearly wasn't "all there".

About that time we decided to pack up, leaving the crazy son of a bitch by himself.

I left the coral behind, lying on the beach, and I'm sure he used it on some other poor family to get into their bucket too.

When we weren't being accosted on the beach, we were kickin back with Buddha.

(Sorry bad phone pictures)

When we weren't with Buddha, we were getting lei'd (yes, again) at the Luau.

This is Albert's usual face after getting lei'd:

And yes, I am really that white and Alex is really that tan. I hate him.

And while the dancers were doing this:

Ava was doing this:

She is quite the dancer (and no she did not learn this from me, I only teach pole dancing, not Hula Striptease). When Rachael asks Ava if she wants to do dance or gymnastics, Ava says she wants to do "fighting" instead.

Yes, fighting.

And with two older brothers, she has plenty of fighting experience! But she is also such a girly girl. She wanted her toe nails painted almost every day. She'd bring me my nail polish bag and tell me that she needed her toe nails painted again. Of course I was happy to oblige.

(These two pics courtesy of Cris)

I love this girl.

If you're actually still reading this I will now put you out of your misery. Stay tuned for more Hawaii including magic tricks on a boat, sharks, sea turtles & a 5 foot 10 inch praying mantis!

And best of all, Albert's awesome fishy face.

You DO NOT wanna miss that. Promise.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Stacy Rocks! Like A lot. No Really, Stacy Is The Shizzle. That's Right, I Said Shizzle.

Okay People It's Christmas Eve and I got the best surprise evah! One of my favorite people, Random Stacy, wrote a tribute to me on her blog!

Yall know I love Stacy, her Princess Nagger, her wine making skills, her recipes, her giveaways (and not just because I've won one!), and her decorating talent (among her many other talents)! But seriously she is as crazy and as blonde as me and I love her to death. Her blog always brings a smile to my long horse-shaped face!

So thanks Stacy, I heart you!

Like a lot.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Nipples, The Perfect Conversation Starter

We're finally back from Hawaii! It always sucks coming home after a vacation, especially coming home from a beautiful 80 degree paradise to a dark and grey 27 degree inversion.

But hello? I came home to my fury babies and all is well!

I've got 526,437 pictures from the trip to post for you but all in good time my friends, all in good time. For now I will leave you with another intelligent conversation I had last night with the hubster.

Me: "Nipples are so weird"

Hubster: "I know they really are huh?"

Me: "Why do guys even have nipples anyway?"

Hubster: "Come on Poob, that'd just be weird. Can you imagine me with no nipples, just extremely huge manly pec muscles?"

Me: Laughing, "I don't think it'd look too bad. I'm glad you don't have those gross saggy kind of nipples, I can't stand those. But seriously, why do guys have nipples? They have no use at all."

Hubster: "Yes they do."

Me: "Oh really, and what is that?"

Hubster: "To pierce."

Me: Laughing, "Oh Al"

Inside Joke:

My husband served an LDS (Mormon) Mission in Boston when he was nineteen. Of course there are so many rules for missionaries such as they can't be alone with girls, they can't even think about girls, they have to wear suits and ties, they have to have their hair short and cannot have any facial hair, the can't go anywhere without their companions, they can't be gay, they can't listen to worldly music, watch TV, or read worldly books, talk on the phone with family except for Holidays, they can't even steal from old ladies, they can't hold seances and worship the devil, they can't perform human sacrifices,

etcetra, etcetra.

But there are a few who like to bend the rules a bit, maybe to show rebellion, maybe to feel normal again, or maybe just for fun, who knows? Well, my husband was one of those and decided his form of rebellion would be...

Wait for it....

Piercing his nipples.

(But you've already figured that out by now haven't you.)

Yes, he got his nipples pierced while on his mission when he was supposed to be serving the Lord. But don't worry, he took his companion with him so he didn't break that rule. The church discourages such piercings and tattoos for all it's members, not just missionaries so this was a big no-no.

He was such a rebel wasn't he?

He said it hurt like hell. He had never experienced pain of that magnitude before in his life. He honestly can't say what hurt worse, getting into his motorcycle accident or getting his nipples pierced. But I don't feel sympathy for his nipple affliction.

It was obviously God's punishment.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Be Back Soon

We's in Hawaii and we finally gots the interwebs working so now we can finally tell you that we's in Hawaii.

We's in Hawaii!

Now pardon us as we's off to the Luau to gets leid.

Friday, December 11, 2009

"And The Lamp Blazed Forth In Unparalleled Glory"

Best. Christmas. Ever.

My very own Leg Lamp.

Thanks Suz! You da bestest!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Christmas Lights Aren't the Only Thing Wrapped Around A Pole This Time Of Year

Okay, to prove I am not a complete dreadful mean older sister, I have to give props to the lil sis. Lindee may not know the difference between Pioneers and Pilgrims but she is smart in her own right. She just aced her America History class at Weber State which means she will probably pull off a 4.00 this semester.

She's my sister.

She's also a pro in math and a great math tutor plus she will be starting the nursing program in January so obviously I did something right in raising her. You bet your ass I'm taking credit for her success.

She's my sister.

I blame the whole pilgrim/pioneer thing on my mom.

So yeah, I have a smart sister. Well two smart sisters, Alyse takes after me in the brains department so she is exceptionally smart as well.

Ok wow, now that my head is perfectly elevated above my body, I better deflate and get on with my post...

...So Sunday night Lin, Logan, Dad & I all went to Temple Square to get our frostbit toes stepped on by a Mormon stampede. Our original intention was to go enjoy the Christmas light display but we chose the wrong night to go.

There was some meeting at the conference center which ended right when we arrived so thousands of Mormons piled out of the building and ran us over on their way to see the lights. I only sustained minor injuries.

I was so overwhelmed with all the pure souls surrounding me that when I realized I had fallen on my knees in the shuffle, I felt it only appropriate to bow down before all the goodness. In my jeans and uggs, I obviously did not just come from their top secret meeting, and just for the record, every one of them were absolutely beautiful, but me? I looked like this:

Smokin hot right? As you can see, my goal was to be warm, not to coordinate my outfit. Jennster, you look WAY better in winter clothes than me. Fo Sho.

It was so effing cold and Logan refused to wear his gloves so my dad tried to keep him warm Kangaroo style stuffing him in his coat.

Logan was miserable so we sought shelter in the visitors center where another important meeting had just ended so although we escaped from the cold, we did not escape from all the holiness.

I gave Logan a little tour around all the pioneer crap that they have on display, I wasn't about to let Lindee take him and confuse the poor kid with stories of pilgrims. His favorite display was the train tracks (of course) he loved them! So much so that he just HAD to take a picture. Here is the result.

He's a very accomplished photographer, he took pictures of only the most important parts of the human anatomy, the crotch and the B-hind.

So after our body temperatures had risen efficiently, we went to check out the rest of the lights before we headed to a hippy coffee shop for ice cream and lattes.

Oh yeah, ice cream is perfect any time of the year. I also had my first chai latte which was also delicious (not as delicious as my DHPSL but good none the less).

Ok I have to show off this picture because Logan looks like a GQ model. Check it out.

He's the next Zoolander.

Now in closing, just so you know, feeding ice cream to a 3 year old at 9:30 at night is not a good idea. He had a tad bit too much energy and started workin the pole in the coffee shop.

Oh yeah, he can totally work the pole.

He learned that from his mom, not me.

Yep, definitely not me.