Pooba's Guide To Surviving Your Colonoscopy

Follow these easy steps to make your butt hole invasion as painless as possible!

Day 1: (Also known as Preparation-For-Hell Day)

Binge - like you've never binged before, but please, no purging. Eat the biggest meal possible for dinner. Think of it as your last meal before you are sent off for execution. Because on Day 2, you will only be aloud a liquid diet. You don't want to start the day off starving do you? No, STUFF. YOUR. FACE.



Stock up - Fill your fridge and cupboards with the following:

• Jello - The best liquid that helps you feel full, I suggest jigglers which you can make on Day 1 or the morning of Day 2.

• Popsicles - Mmmmm, who doesn't like popsicles?

• Broth - Clear broth, using water and bullion. This is great for your lunch and dinner, it tricks your belly into thinking it has actually eaten something of substance, when in fact you've only eaten flavored water.

• Juice - Cranberry, Apple, Gatorade, Pop, anything clear that you can SEE THROUGH but nothing that contains red dye. Did you know the inside of your colon is a reddish pink color? How can the violating Doc find anything if your insides are all the same color? Common sense people.

• Water - I like water bottles, that way you can have one at your side all day long. Plus you can help destroy our earth by not recycling them.

• Tea or coffee. Sugar, but NO CREAM! WARNING: Too much green tea on an empty stomach leads to involuntary praying to the porcelain God. Tea in moderation people. Moderation is key.

• Medications: Make sure you've purchased your assigned medications! (Please buy your laxative in pill form, don't make the mistake of buying suppositories, your butt hole has enough abuse coming, no need to add more.)

• Baby wipes - You will be pooping all day on Day 2, you don't want a raw inflamed butt hole do you? The answer is No. Not only is it embarrassing, but it hurts like a mother to stick a huge tube through it. Baby wipes are a must.



Moviefy - Rent a butt load (pun intended, I'm a dork. Word.) of movies. You will be stuck home for two days straight, I recommend having 7-8 movies on hand.





Day 2: (Also known as Kill-Me-Now-This-Is-Hell-On-Earth Day)



Home is where your butt is - Never, I repeat, Never leave the house during Day 2. You don't want to be the poor sap walking down the grocery isle smelling of dung do you? The answer is no, you don't.



Just say no - Whatever you do, do not use Fleet Soda as your cleansing agent. Use MiraLax. Unlike Fleet, MiraLax is not saltier than the Salt Lake, and it doesn't instigate an immediate gag reflex. MiraLax also prevents you from puking your intestines out for the rest of the day. And mix your MiraLax with Gatorade, there will be a light change in flavor but hardly noticeable at all. Yummy.



If you have to say yes, be smart - If you have to use Fleet, do not mix it with your favorite drink. If you do, you will never want that drink again. The fleet will ruin it for you. Just like how you can't eat hot dogs because you threw them up when you were a kid, it is the same concept. (If your doctor actually recommends fleet, I would turn and run as far away as possible. Fleet recently had a recall and is now in the middle of a law suit. See? Told you it was bad.)



Liquify - Drink as much liquid as possible.



Watchify - Watch your butt load of movies.



Make your bed and lie in it - You may want to make yourself a bed in your bathtub or somewhere near the toilet. Remember, you can never be too safe, your bed will need protection. Whether it be towells, a tarp, or your husband's favorite shirt, you always need protection. Don't you remember your sex-ed class?



Revert back to your infant self - You must wear a diaper to bed. Those all night maxi pads will work too. Your poop is going to be just like water and it's gonna come out whether you're ready for it or not. Trust me.






Day 3: (Or what I like to call Still-Like-Hell-But-A-Little-Better-Because-You-Get-Some-Really-Good-Drugs Day)


Be an early bird - Make sure your colonoscopy appointment is at the earliest hour possible. When you wake up, you will be dehydrated, exhausted, and starving. Why prolong it?


Bring your own lifeline - Make sure you wear socks to the hospital. You will have to get naky for everything below the waist except for your socks, they will be your lifeline, your comfort. Think of them as your teddy bear or baby blanket, a sense of home in a strange place.



Avoid eye contact - Avoid eye contact in the waiting room. Everyone is there to have their butt hole violated just like you, so nobody wants to chat. The waiting room is not a place to make friends or to hit on that hot guy sitting next to you for remember, he too will soon be violated. Butt holes should not be a conversation starter people!



Follow the buddy system - Take your spouse, or a friend with you. Not only will they have to drive you home afterwards, but they will need to be there to listen to the doctor. You will still be incoherent when she comes in to show you the beautiful pictures of your shiny diseased colon. (That was for you Justine)



Never fear the farting room - Everyone must fart before they are allowed to leave. Just like the waiting room, avoid eye contact. But really you have nothing to worry about because you will still be high on the butt drugs. Enjoy your loopy time while you've still got it.



Butt drugs are good - Drugs are the only benefit of your colonoscopy so take advantage of your loopy time. Say something to embarrass your husband. For example, when the doctor is in the room say,

"Maybe my butt hole is diseased because I let my husband in the back door last night".

Yep, that'll do it. He can't get mad. After all, you were under the influence and are likely not remember said comment anyway.



Restify - Sleep.



Watchify - Finish your butt load of movies



Pride - Hang the pictures of your colon on your fridge. Similar to hanging your college degree on your wall, people will be impressed.


Be proud of what you've accomplished!

Schmelanoma

So about a month ago I told you about my little friend The Mole that I had to get cut out of my chest so I thought I'd give y'all an update. (Don't know why I all the sudden have a southern accent went I start typing a post, my apologies)

Well the test came back positive for Melanoma and apparently the chunk of skin the doc took out last time wasn't big enough so I had to go get more removed last week.

Yay!

I'm happy to say that all went well, I've got 14 stitches underneath the skin and 16 on top. I would love to gross you all out by posting a picture of my stitches but they are located right under my boob and since I like to think of my blog as "family friendly" and because I'm always thinking of the children, I'll leave the picture out.

I did however draw you a picture, ya know, just so you get the idea.




Y'all didn't know I was an artist did ya? (There I go again, I apologize)

There was no fainting in the operating room this time. In fact it was quite the opposite, this nurse was fascinated with my cut and kept commenting on how cool it looked and what a great job the doctor was doing. Ummmkay, whatever psycho.

Now when I go back in 2 weeks to get the stitches out, the doc has to do a thorough exam. When I say thorough, I mean he has to examine everywhere that I have skin.


EVERYWHERE.


Which is EVERYWHERE.


I am so looking forward to that.


So on another note, Alex and I got to hang out with our nephews last Friday. We love having those two guys over, they are the cutest funniest kids ever! It was the day after I had my surgery so I was tired and loopy from the pain meds and they were concerned that I didn't feel good.




I explained to them that I had to get stitches and that I was just sore. They were so worried and of course being the boys that they are, they wanted to see the stitches. And like I said before, I'm always thinking of the children so I refused to expose them to such images.

Jaxon kept lifting up his shirt and saying "See, just go like this so we can see your stitches!"

After I explained that I couldn't do that, he then pulled his shirt collar down to show his chest and said "Ok, then just pull your shirt down like this!"

Oh, if it were only that simple. Alex and I were laughing so hard!

After the kids went home, Rachael, my sister-in-law (their mom) wrote me on facebook that Jaxon said,


"Mom, poor Kelly broke her heart and had to get it stitched back in!"





Oh I love that kid!

Just An FYI Before the Drugs Knock Me Out For Good

So I had to get a little surgery today, if you can even call it that. I had to lie on my back while my doctor dug into my chest to remove a mole. It sucked and now I'm tired and a little loopy from the pain meds. I'm trying not to breath too hard so my stitches don't rip apart. Geez I thought he was just removing a mole but after he drew a 2 inch by 1/2 inch oval on my chest I got a little worried.

But mole is gone, stitches are in (and better not scar!) and hopefully the test comes back negative for Melanoma. It's really no big deal, I just feel bad for the nurse because when the doctor started digging, her face went white and she grabbed her mouth and ran out of the room.


Sorry, did I fart or something?

Crackmart

I have a like/hate relationship with Walmart. Mostly hate.




I hate going to Walmart, it is just a huge maze filled wall to wall with people. Not just any people either, these people are like headless cockroaches attached to shopping carts wandering aimlessly with no sense of direction and no common courtesy and each cockroach has at least 10 baby cockroaches screaming and running in circles.



The idea of going to Walmart gives me more anxiety then the idea of giving a 3 hour presentation on the causes and symptoms of Gonorrhea to a crowd of pimply middle school students.


But, there are times like this past weekend when I just have to drag my sorry ass out there to find such items as these:





I am a sucker for containers.

You see that stack of white containers? A buck a piece! That's right people, I would've picked up some more but I couldn't fit anything else into my cart, I had to refrain myself from stacking them on my head just so I could buy a few more.

And look at these beauties:



I LOVE those fabric containers because there is a neat little spot right there on the front to specifically hold a label! Aren't they dreamy? The only disappointment I had was that they didn't come in pink or purple, but hey I'm still happy with my selection.

So on Saturday I spent the day organizing my hall closet. Our house is very low on storage and closet space so this closet is a multipurpose storage area for us. My main concern was organizing all of the medicine and first aid crap we have stuffed in there.

If you ever get sick, please just come over to my house because we are prepared for anything!



Doesn't that just make you smile? All the meds are sorted and labeled and are easily accessible. Hey even if your pet gets sick, I've got a container for that too.

So here is a pic of the whole closet:







This is like my crack, I totally get high on this stuff. It's a lot healthier addiction than actual crack, the high lasts a lot longer, and I can justify it by telling Alex that it's a hellova lot cheaper then buying the real thing.



I doubt you could buy 8 containers of crack for a buck a piece.


Not that I know from actual experience, I'm just sayin.

We Are Just That Cool

I remember the days of staying out late going dancing and to parties until 3 and 4 in the morning. You know those good old college days when you could survive on 3 hours of sleep with no problem?


Well now a days Albert and I are just a bunch of party poopers, seriously. I start getting tired at 8:30 pm and staying up late for us is like 10 pm. There are rare occasions when we stay late at a friends house on the weekends but still, we just can't stay out as late as we used to.


Is this a sign of old age or just uncoolness? Probably both.


Well, I think we figured out how to fix this problem. Last Friday night we had ourselves a rockin good time and stayed awake until the wee hours of the morning. How did we do this?


Did we inject ourselves with speed and 400 mg of caffeine? Well maybe, but the main reason we stayed up late was this:





Do you want to feel young and hip again? Get yourself a puzzle. Specifically one with 500 to 1000 pieces, I'm talking hardcore, none of that 100 piece sissy stuff.


We started this puzzle (brought to us by Mamarazzi) at 8:30 pm and by 3:30 am I about had it, I told Alex that we are too old to be staying up this late and we should go to bed. But that puzzle had some sorta power over him and he couldn't break free. He couldn't let the puzzle win. I finally went to bed assuming that he was right behind me.


When I woke up in the morning Alex was passed out next to me and I went into the kitchen to find this:





He had he stayed up until 5:30 in the morning to put that damn puzzle together only to find one piece missing. Of course he immediately blamed me and thought I hid the piece to sabotage him.


Come on Al, I would never do anything like that!


It wasn't until later that he found the missing piece in the pocket of my hoody that I wore the night before. I still deny having anything to do with that, the piece must have fallen in my lap, I'm not even joking people.


Oh dear, we are just that cool.





Once the last piece was in place, we could finally relax and peace was restored to the Silkman household. The puzzle is still sitting on our table, Al refuses to let me put that thing away after all the hard work we, well mostly he, spent on it.


He thinks that he beat the puzzle. Really?


You beat the puzzle that you couldn't walk away from? The puzzle that made you stay up against your will until the ungodly hour of 5:30 in the morning? The same puzzle that laughed at you when one piece somehow went missing? That puzzle?


Ok Al, you beat the puzzle, you win.


Now can I put it away?

I Sure Could Use A Brownie Sundae Right About Now.

Blogger and I have kissed and made up. I've apologized for my selfish behavior and blogger apologized for being such a B to me yesterday and now all is well in bloggy land.




So the hubster started that crazy HCG diet that everyone seems to be on these days. Ya know, the one that you have to shoot yourself up every morning with a foot long needle?





Yeah, that one.


Well the first week he was on it he started acting so weird. He was just blah! He was getting irritated very easily and was just so unhappy and depressed which is SO unlike Al! I'm like wait a second, I'm the depressed one who eats a whole carton of ice cream in one sitting, not you!


So he called his HCG doctor who explained that the shots he was taking contain hormones and apparently the dose was too high for his body, causing him to have, get this, MAN PMS!


Yes, my husband was suffering from PMS!





Oh I about died when he told me that! Luckily they lowered his dose so he no longer is acting like a premenstrual woman. So besides the occasional brownie craving, he is back to his normal happy Al-self, thank god! Lord knows our household can barely handle one PMSer let alone two! We all know what happens when I have PMS...

This is Why I am the Employee of the Month.

So this is a fun little tag that Julia so lovingly threw at me, knocking me out cold. Which is why it took me so long to get it done, thanks Julia!

It's a Purse Tag!

Here are the rules:

1. Post a picture of whatever bag you are carrying as of late. No, you cannot go up to your closet and pull out that cute little purse you used back before you had kids. I want to know what you carried today.

2. Post a picture of the contents inside your bag. The theory here is that you can learn a lot about someone from what is in the bag...oh and you can steal mommy secrets!

3. I want to know how much it costs. And this is not to judge, this is for entertainment purposes only. So spill it. And if there is a story to go along with how you obtained it, I’d love to hear it.

4. Tag some chicks. And link back to this post so people know why the heck you’re showing everyone your diaper bag/non-diaper bag.

So here ya go:

Well since I have no kids, this truly is the purse I carry with me now, however it will probably change next month. You will not find any diapers or mommy secrets in here so don't get too excited.

As you can see, I'm at work taking pictures in my office.

Again.

Don't worry coworkers; this is a work assignment I promise! I am just accounting for what is in my bag, you see? Accounting! So I don't feel bad at all.



So as a bean counter lets count how many things are in my purse! 1...2...3...okay I won't give you a counting lesson, it's too hard to explain. I'll just tell ya there are 31 very important, can't live without items in my bag.



You can probably tell what most of the items are but just for fun let me tell ya!

- A grocery list
- A receipt from Banbury Cross Doughnuts (told you I was
addicted)
- 3 Colones left over from Costa Rica





- A red little card holder where I keep my gift cards and business
cards (hence the scensoring, didn't think it'd be a good
idea to post the name and address of the place I work on the
Internet :)
- A black cover for my phone
- My weekly pill container
- 2 packs of Orbit gum




- Brown snake skin wallet
- Tangerine sour altoids
- Mascara
- 4 lip glosses





- My planner (with a cute picture of me and Logan)
- Black check book
- Tweezers



- Hair elastic
- Tissues
- Midol
- Perfume
- 2 pens (One for the checkbook and one for the planner)




- Contact lense holder and solution
- Travel lotion I stole from a hotel
- Tylenol
- Eye shadow





Blah! So I guess you've all learned that I'm a stinky, stealing, runny nosed, vain druggy with dry skin, dry lips, dry eyes, bad breath, and a sugarholic!

But you all knew that already.

This purse is a Kathy Van Zeeland and I stole it from TJ Maxx which is the only place to get purses. No I didn't really steal it, but it really was a steal for only $30! Normally $100 yay me! I refuse to pay more than $40 for a purse because I go through them like my husband goes through video games.



So now it's your turn, get out your purses and lemme see inside!

Instead of taggin people I will let you decide if you want to do it let me know so I can come check out your purse!

I'll spare you the guilt trip this time!

Oh and thanks kjmamma for this cute award! Undeserved but very much appreciated!