I Am SO Dead

As I mentioned in my last post, I have to pay Albert in order to post this story. That's right, my husband threatened to sue me. No joke. It's that lawyer slowly creeping out from inside of him. Oh why God? Why Law School?


This story was just too good not to post so I agreed to his terms, although we are still in negotiation. I won't even tell you the ridiculous amount he is charging for this story.


Of course I'm going to tell you the ridiculous amount. He wants $2,500 just for this one story! I told him that his whole life story isn't worth that much. I demanded that if I did pay him anything close to that amount, that I would get to post naked pictures of him on the Internet too.

I haven't received his counter offer and I'm not about to wait for one.


************************************************

Some of you know the Hubster has been going to a personal trainer with his friend, Kevin, for a few months now. This trainer is a chick and has been kicking their asses every time they have a session with her. People have started noticing her working with them and how hard she pushes them, so they've become "gym popular".


The training has really been paying off both for Al and Kevin, they seriously are transforming right before my eyes! It's magic really. So it isn't uncommon for people to stare at them while they work out with her. I mean, hello? Two hot guys sweating and pumping iron (gross!) who wouldn't stare right?


So one day they are doing their routine with the trainer when she says to Alex,


"So did you know you have a secret admirer?"


"Yeah right!" He scoffs.


"No, I'm serious!" She replies.


Albert looks at her and she has this little smirk on her face, so he knows something is up.


"It's a dude isn't it?" Alex looks at her skeptically.



She starts laughing and shaking her head. Unfortunately his secret admirer wasn't at the gym at that time so he didn't find out who it was.


After his work out that day he came home and told me of his so-called secret admirer and I immediately started thinking of how I could perfect my ultimate punch to take this Mother Effer girl out.


I ended up going to my quiet place to do my punch dance.




After that physical and mental work out, I was ready for anything.




So back at the gym a few days later, the trainer decides to reveal who the secret admirer is.


And yes, it was a dude.


Alex was so embarrassed (to say the least) and of course Kevin thought it was hilarious! Their trainer then told them what Al's admirer said about him, besides all the "he's hot" crap, my favorite thing his crusher said was...
















wait for it...



















"I want to get lost in his eyes."



Bahahahaha! Oh you should hear Al tell this story, it is the funniest thing ever.

"He wants to get lost in my eyes!"

Face palm.

Double face palm.

I don't know why he's so embarrassed, it's a compliment for Chrissake.


Of course I can't blame the guy for crushing on Al. Yes, the guy knew that Al is straight and very married but come on, this is Utah. You never know how many gay guys out there are married and supposedly straight. This state is full of em!


So I said "More power to you admirer!" Plus, he's got good taste so I had no hard feelings toward him and didn't have to use my ultimate punch after all. Which was kind of a disappointment for me but was for the best in the end.

For the record, no, Alex is not gay.

I repeat, Alex is not gay.

(I am so dead.)

And now the icing on the cake:

Al and I went to dinner the other weekend at Asian Star. At the end of the meal Al picked up his fortune cookie and read what was inside. He sat there for a few seconds just staring blankly at it. Finally he said,


"I think this was meant for you."


I grabbed it and beheld the most appropriate fortune I have ever read in my life:

An admirer is concealing his affection for you.

No Al, that was definitely meant for you.

A Quick Thanks To My Homies

As you know, I'm a dork and have always been a follower, so I thought it was about time that I be included in the "Cool" crowd so guess what I did? I got myself a button.


Because every one's doing it.


I call her "Poottun" and if you're in Utah, it's pronounced "Poo'un" with silent T's. If that's too hard for you to say, you can also call her Granpoobbuppoobattun.

I just wanted to give a quick thanks and shout out to my homies over at Blogalicious Designs for making me this darling button and new favicon. Steph & Staci are the best.


<center><a href="http://grandpooba.blogspot.com/"><img border="0" src="http://assets.blogaliciousdesigns.com/clients/pooba/HTMLbutton.jpg"/></a></center>

So If you want a little Pooba in your life (or blog) then go ahead, take little "Poottun" along with you.

Just don't forget to feed her at least once a week.

Thanks so much.

Down To Bid'ness

This is long over due. I need to take care of some bloggy bid'ness.

AWARD TIME!

*Only bloggers that post at least once a week are eligible. My rule, deal with it.


Happy 101 Sweet Friends Award













I received this award from Melissa at Mom of 3, thanks Melissa!

Rules: List 10 things that make you happy and pass it on to 10 blogs.

1. Albert
2. My furry children
3. Fruity Pebbles
4. My nieces & nephews
5. Good Wine
6. My iPod
7. Blockbuster
8. Dancing
9. My muffin top
10. Your mom


I pass this on to these sweet bloggers:

1. DeAnna
2. Beautiful Mess
3. Jeanne at Chronic Healing
4. Heath'e'
5. Mommy Matters
6. Steph In The City
7. My Addition of Gab
8. Hot Chocolate Caramel Mocha
9. Confessions Of A Country Girl
10. Life's About A Dream





One Lovely Blog Award










From Dawn at Life of a domestic goddess Dawn rocks! (Dawn if you're reading this did you go private? Can I have an invite?)

1. The Adventures of Jon and Steph
2. The Maaaa of Pricilla
3. Mama's Losin' It
4. Mom Taxi Julie
5. The Lords Humor...
6. Show My Face
7. Seven Clown Circus


Beautiful Blogger Award













From Laura at Hey What's For Dinner Mom? , thanks Laura!


Rules: Post 7 random factoids about yourself and then pass it to seven other bloggers.

Seven Random Facts (Not sure what factoids are, is there a difference?):

1. My mom failed me when it came to teaching me about puberty. I never knew (until I started birth control) that you could track your period to exactlty every 28 days. I knew it came monthly but I just thought we were supposed to watch for it, a guessing game if you will. Thanks mom. And thank you birth control

2. I always thought that the color of our blood was really blue inside our body and that it only turned red when it came into contact with oxygen. I swear I learned that in school didn't you?

3. My husband has decided to charge me for every story that I write about him on this blog. Not even kidding. (But I've got a juicy one coming up! Any donations are appreciated.)

4. I'm obsessed with movies. I have to watch at least 3 a week, but I can't just sit and watch them, I have to be doing something like cooking, cleaning, blogging. You get the picture.

5. I got this email from my sister, Lindee, this morning after I told her I might want to go back for my master's degree:

"Why don't you have a freaken kid retard."

She loves me.


6. I've cried on my birthday every year since I turned 12.

7. I first smoked a cigarette when I was 25 and didn't like it. I probably wasn't doing it right. I never do anything right.


I pass this on to:

1. Lindee (Yes, even though she called me a retard)
2. Living the Life with the Wife of Riley
3. Tranquility... and Turmoil
4. Perpetual Burn
5. Running Away? I'll Help You Pack
6. Tara from TMI
7. Jen at Burried With Children
8. Steph at Auburn Soul Photography
9. Airing My Dirty Laundry, One Sock At A Time...
10. Finding Fairy Tales





My Comments Rock Award













I received this award from Alexis at Running Away? I'll Help You Pack. Thanks Alexis!

I love these blogger's comments:

1. Chief at (Hiding From The Kids)
2. jennster :o)
3. Let's Have a Cocktail
4. Fran at Mayhem and Moxie
5. Nana's Kitchen
6. Nine Peas In A Pod
7. Our Simple Life
8. The Jason Show
9. Stacy's Random Thoughts
10. Stupid is as Sister Does



I Give Good Blog Award














I received this award from Jenny Mac from Let's Have a Cocktail, thanks Jenny Mac!

Rules: Make a cocktail, pick out some of your favorite bloggers. Send this award to 4 of them. Tell them why you think they give good blog.

1. A Nut in a Nutshell
2. Bethany at Nobody Listens To The Girl
3. Stacy's Random Thoughts
4. Stupid Is As Sister Does





Dragon's Loyalty Award














I received this award from Alexis at Running Away? I'll Help You Pack. Thanks Alexis!

Rules: Pass this award on to those dedicated followers of yours who always leave you a comment:

1. Knit By God's Hand
2. Savvy Suzi
3. Our Simple Life
4. Yaya Stuff
5. Stacy's Random Thoughts
6. A Nut in a Nutshell
7. Pulsipher Predilections
8. Queenie Jeannie
9. Stupid Is As Sister Does
10. Wizard of Ortin





The Best Blog Award








Another one I received from Alexis at Running Away? I'll Help You Pack.

Rules:

1) To accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.
2) Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you have recently discovered and think are great! Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I pass this award on to:

1. Brian Miller
2. Robyn at Our Homeschool Home
3. That Gal Kiki at I'm Here
4. AmyLK from Amy's Awesome Nest
5. Oh My Goddess
6. Kim at ooh! piece of candy!
7. The Green Scene
8. Wizard of Ortin
9. Frau
10. Sane without drugs (Hello? Where did you go?)
11. The Two Twins
12. Sara at Handy Hooker
13. Heather at When Heather Met Blog
14. Momma @ Live. Laugh. Pull your hair out
15. Just A Mom (Call me JAM for short)




You're A Superstar Blogger Award:















I received this award from Paging Dr. Mommy, thanks

I pass this award on to:

1. Debbie at Suburb Sanity
2. Surviving Life Daily
3. Queenie Jeannie
4. Aunt of 14
5. Shandal at My Life In 3D
6. Chicago Lady
7. Lady Styx






Kreativ Blogger Award













I received this award from Steph In the City, thanks Steph!

I pass this award on to:

1. Smile! Its Becky!
2. Live. Laugh. Love.
3. INfertile Myrtle
4. Frogs in my formula
5. Adrian's Crazy Life
6. Optimistic Cynicism
7. The Bookkitten




I don't know about you but I'm exhausted after all that, I'm not even going to tell you how long it took me to choose the right blogs for the right awards. You better be appreciatin.


Oh and if I didn't give your blog an award it means I hate you.

And your mom.


(You know I'm kidding right?)

Pooba's Guide To Surviving Your Colonoscopy

Follow these easy steps to make your butt hole invasion as painless as possible!

Day 1: (Also known as Preparation-For-Hell Day)

Binge - like you've never binged before, but please, no purging. Eat the biggest meal possible for dinner. Think of it as your last meal before you are sent off for execution. Because on Day 2, you will only be aloud a liquid diet. You don't want to start the day off starving do you? No, STUFF. YOUR. FACE.



Stock up - Fill your fridge and cupboards with the following:

• Jello - The best liquid that helps you feel full, I suggest jigglers which you can make on Day 1 or the morning of Day 2.

• Popsicles - Mmmmm, who doesn't like popsicles?

• Broth - Clear broth, using water and bullion. This is great for your lunch and dinner, it tricks your belly into thinking it has actually eaten something of substance, when in fact you've only eaten flavored water.

• Juice - Cranberry, Apple, Gatorade, Pop, anything clear that you can SEE THROUGH but nothing that contains red dye. Did you know the inside of your colon is a reddish pink color? How can the violating Doc find anything if your insides are all the same color? Common sense people.

• Water - I like water bottles, that way you can have one at your side all day long. Plus you can help destroy our earth by not recycling them.

• Tea or coffee. Sugar, but NO CREAM! WARNING: Too much green tea on an empty stomach leads to involuntary praying to the porcelain God. Tea in moderation people. Moderation is key.

• Medications: Make sure you've purchased your assigned medications! (Please buy your laxative in pill form, don't make the mistake of buying suppositories, your butt hole has enough abuse coming, no need to add more.)

• Baby wipes - You will be pooping all day on Day 2, you don't want a raw inflamed butt hole do you? The answer is No. Not only is it embarrassing, but it hurts like a mother to stick a huge tube through it. Baby wipes are a must.



Moviefy - Rent a butt load (pun intended, I'm a dork. Word.) of movies. You will be stuck home for two days straight, I recommend having 7-8 movies on hand.





Day 2: (Also known as Kill-Me-Now-This-Is-Hell-On-Earth Day)



Home is where your butt is - Never, I repeat, Never leave the house during Day 2. You don't want to be the poor sap walking down the grocery isle smelling of dung do you? The answer is no, you don't.



Just say no - Whatever you do, do not use Fleet Soda as your cleansing agent. Use MiraLax. Unlike Fleet, MiraLax is not saltier than the Salt Lake, and it doesn't instigate an immediate gag reflex. MiraLax also prevents you from puking your intestines out for the rest of the day. And mix your MiraLax with Gatorade, there will be a light change in flavor but hardly noticeable at all. Yummy.



If you have to say yes, be smart - If you have to use Fleet, do not mix it with your favorite drink. If you do, you will never want that drink again. The fleet will ruin it for you. Just like how you can't eat hot dogs because you threw them up when you were a kid, it is the same concept. (If your doctor actually recommends fleet, I would turn and run as far away as possible. Fleet recently had a recall and is now in the middle of a law suit. See? Told you it was bad.)



Liquify - Drink as much liquid as possible.



Watchify - Watch your butt load of movies.



Make your bed and lie in it - You may want to make yourself a bed in your bathtub or somewhere near the toilet. Remember, you can never be too safe, your bed will need protection. Whether it be towells, a tarp, or your husband's favorite shirt, you always need protection. Don't you remember your sex-ed class?



Revert back to your infant self - You must wear a diaper to bed. Those all night maxi pads will work too. Your poop is going to be just like water and it's gonna come out whether you're ready for it or not. Trust me.






Day 3: (Or what I like to call Still-Like-Hell-But-A-Little-Better-Because-You-Get-Some-Really-Good-Drugs Day)


Be an early bird - Make sure your colonoscopy appointment is at the earliest hour possible. When you wake up, you will be dehydrated, exhausted, and starving. Why prolong it?


Bring your own lifeline - Make sure you wear socks to the hospital. You will have to get naky for everything below the waist except for your socks, they will be your lifeline, your comfort. Think of them as your teddy bear or baby blanket, a sense of home in a strange place.



Avoid eye contact - Avoid eye contact in the waiting room. Everyone is there to have their butt hole violated just like you, so nobody wants to chat. The waiting room is not a place to make friends or to hit on that hot guy sitting next to you for remember, he too will soon be violated. Butt holes should not be a conversation starter people!



Follow the buddy system - Take your spouse, or a friend with you. Not only will they have to drive you home afterwards, but they will need to be there to listen to the doctor. You will still be incoherent when she comes in to show you the beautiful pictures of your shiny diseased colon. (That was for you Justine)



Never fear the farting room - Everyone must fart before they are allowed to leave. Just like the waiting room, avoid eye contact. But really you have nothing to worry about because you will still be high on the butt drugs. Enjoy your loopy time while you've still got it.



Butt drugs are good - Drugs are the only benefit of your colonoscopy so take advantage of your loopy time. Say something to embarrass your husband. For example, when the doctor is in the room say,

"Maybe my butt hole is diseased because I let my husband in the back door last night".

Yep, that'll do it. He can't get mad. After all, you were under the influence and are likely not remember said comment anyway.



Restify - Sleep.



Watchify - Finish your butt load of movies



Pride - Hang the pictures of your colon on your fridge. Similar to hanging your college degree on your wall, people will be impressed.


Be proud of what you've accomplished!

And The Winner Is . . .

Random Integer Generator
Here are your random numbers:

116
Timestamp: 2010-01-20 21:07:25 UTC


Queenie Jeannie!


Queenie Jeannie said...
I should tell you a really funny, dirty joke!!Too bad I don't know any. I suck.
January 18, 2010 6:27 PM


I laughed when Jeannie's number was picked because when I first blogged about the nail kit, in my "Enjoying" section, before I decided to give it away, she commented:


Queenie Jeannie said...
So I guess you sent the extra one to me already???
January 14, 2010 10:16 AM


I guess she knew something I didn't.

Congrats Big Sis!

Turrible Turrible Mess

Babysitting Logan is always an adventure.

Last Chance!

The giveaway is open until midnight tonight so get your ass over there before it's too late.

Now YOU Can Thank God I'm A Sucker (Yes, This Is A Giveaway)

Two days before Christmas, I had to venture to the ghastly mall to pick up a few last minute gifts. You all know I hate shopping so this was a big deal for me and I was dreading the mall.

So there I was, minding my own business when some little woman with a beret and an accent asks me to hold out my hand for her. Ummm, I'm thinking, I'll just humor her but I'm not buying anything. This has happened to me many times before so I am now prepared for this type of situation.

So she starts filing my fingernail while she's talking a mile a minute telling that what she is doing is going to change my life. Finally she finishes and she asks,

"Are you ready to be amazed?"

She was dead serious, at first I kind of giggled because, hello? She was a walking infomercial. But she didn't laugh, she just looked at me anxiously waiting for my reply so I said,

"Um, yes?"

Then she lets go of my hand and I look down at the fingernail she had worked her magic on and behold, it was beautiful! The surface was smooth and I almost had to shield my eyes from the shine that glared back at me.

And yes, I was amazed.

She then asked me to try it myself so she walked me through it and in a couple of seconds I was done. Before I was able to look at the nail she grabbed my hand and asked,

"Now are you ready to amaze yourself?"

By this point I was totally mesmerized by her so I firmly said "Yes!" And she removed her hand from mine and behold, I performed the same miracle that she had performed just seconds before.

My nails were brilliant.

Then she told me that they would look that way for two weeks.

Two weeks!

Finally I just asked her the price. She started explaining about all the secret crap that they use to make it and blah blah blah, the kits were $59.99 a piece.

What? No way, I know when I'm getting ripped off and I'm not spending 60 bucks on some nail kit. She sees the excitement drain right out of my face so before I could say no, she throws out her lifesaver.

"Well, how about I throw in a second one for free? You get two for the price of one!" She exclaimed.

And then it was over.

"OK! Why not!?" The words left my lips before I even realized what was happening.

She got me. I was suckered once again. Albert is going to kill me! I thought, but I let her ring me up and I went on my merry way.

But I have to tell you, I LOVE this kit!! It comes with the buffer, a nail file, cuticle oil and lotion. When I got home that day I used it on all my nails and guess what? They are still shiny and smooth as I type this today!

But now I have an extra one that's been sitting on my dresser for weeks now and I've been trying to figure out who to give it to. I have two sisters so I can't just give it to one of them because the other one would most likely murder me and then knock the other sister out to grab the kit and run.

So, the only solution is to give it away. And what better people to give it to then YOU!?

Behold, Seacret Minerals From the Dead Sea NailCare Collection:

You want it? Just leave me a comment to enter! The contest will end Tuesday 1/19/10 at Midnight MST.

You can enter as many times as you want!

Anyone can enter, but if you are anonymous or don't have your email set up in your blogger profile, then please leave me your email address so I can notify you if you win.

Ready, set, go!

I Wasn't Kidding, I Really Am A Sinner

I walked into Harmons last night to pick up some powdered sugar (to feed my new addiction, Muddy Buddies) and my prescriptions. I go through the check out line and pay for my goods then I head over to the pharmacy. While waiting in line I realize that I need some band aids so I grab a box to have the pharmacy add it to my "tab".


I stood in line for about 2 years and totally forgot about the band aids, even though they were still in my hand. Without thinking I set the band aids down on the counter when it's my turn to give my arm and leg for my prescriptions (Hence the band aids).


The pharmacist must not have noticed because he didn't ring them up. So when I was done, I grabbed the band aids with the one arm I had left and hopped out of the store. Not even realizing that I totally just stole the band aids.


And yes, I did realize this after I started driving out of the parking lot. Did I turn around to go back and pay for them?


No.


Why? Because it was like double negative degrees outside and the Utah Health Dudes said that we should avoid going outdoors because of the current air quality. Was risking my life worth 3 bucks?


I'm pretty sure I'm worth more than 3 bucks. I'd say 10 at least.


So now I owe Harmons $3.


Anyone have any spare change?

Christmas Is No Longer In The Air

We are suffocating in Utah. The air quality in Northern Utah was the WORST in the Nation yesterday. We are breathing in shit soup people.



DISGUSTING.

Never thought I'd say this, but we need a really good storm. Breathing keeps you alive so I guess I'd like to keep doing it.



Even angel Moroni can't breath, let alone blow his horn.

Hold on while I put on my oxygen mask, I'd like to finish this post before I keel over.

Thanks.



So it's January 11th and I haven't even finished posting about Christmas. So you'll just have to shut up and deal with it.

Christmas morning back at my mom's house...



I just love baby's faces right after they wake up!



30-year-old faces however, not so much. This is typical of my brother on EVERY Christmas morning.



We just throw his presents on top of him.



I guess my whole family doesn't do well with mornings. Case in point.






Surprisingly Lindee was quite awake even though she had to wake up extra early to have Christmas a 6 AM with her mom-in-law. Yeah, 6 AM! Here she is showing off her new apron.



(Sorry kids, she hasn't yet figured out how to wear a black bra with a black shirt)


Other highlights:


Baby dimples.




Alyse and her new Nikon.



Logan and his new camera.



Calendars, homemade by Lindee.



My dad's cute face.



Now, the BEST part of the morning...Justine, I KNOW your family can appreciate this.

Picking my dad's never ending blackhead.



Even Logan got in on the action. Seriously, we love when it's blackhead popping time. My dad has had this blackhead in the middle of his back for years now and it is the deepest thing I have ever seen. We can stick a needle all the way down in it and he can't feel a thing.

It's a family event when we get to whip out the blackhead, it's so exciting & disgusting to see how much crap we can get out of it. We are sick, twisted people my family.

But we're okay with that.

I can't believe I'm doing this, but yes, I really am posting a picture of my dad's blackhead on the internet for the whole world to enjoy. At least this is in its early stage where barely anything has surfaced.



You're welcome dad!



So after we spent Christmas morning with my fam, we visited the much more normal side of our family, Al's side.

We arrived to find our stockings filled with all sorts of goodies.



(I was taking a picture of the stockings, not Al's butt, that was just an extra bonus.)

Oh my sweet little Albert was so excited to see that Santa left him a bottle of Highland Park. This is what Christmas is all about, to see the childrens' bright happy faces!



Now, if anyone has forgotten, our Christmas present from Al's parents was the best present ever, Hawaii! Hard to top that one.

The best part of our Christmas at the in-law's was watching the kids open their presents. Ava was adorable. Each time she opened a gift she made sure that someone took a picture of it. Each and every gift.




She was more into the unwrapping part, then the presents themselves. She'd open one and quickly dive into the next one.



See? I wasn't kidding. She opened all of my presents for me.



Colin and Jaxon made a haul!





Here's Clay sipping the yummy Sangria Cris made. I wish I had a picture of all the food too. The plan was to just have a few appetizers, but I've learned by now that Cris's "few" is most peoples "ton". So we had tons of food!



The plan was that each daughter in law was to bring an appetizer that we learned in the cooking classes we all have been taking from Marguerite; however one of us totally blew it. What a loser, what kind of inconsiderate idiot would show up to Christmas without her assigned appetizer?

Me.

Oops. I was planning on making this amazing Tiramisu that we learned in one of our cooking classes but for some reason I didn't realize that ALL grocery stores are closed on Christmas day. Who knew?

I felt so bad, I called Cris and told her what an idiot I was and of course she said she had plenty of food so not to worry about it. I then offered to bring champagne but of course she had that too so I showed up empty handed.

I totally suck. Sorry Cris. And everybody. I owe you all Tiramisu.



So Terry, Al's dad, was on call Christmas day so he wasn't able to show up until later (he's a vet) and as I was trying to get a picture of him helping Colin, Ava jumps up and yells "Take a picture of me!"



So of course I did. She's such a cheesball!



And I'd have to say the highlight of Christmas at the in-laws was watching Brandon try to get one of Ava's babies out of its package.



He thought he had it done until he turned the doll over to find a wire sticking out of its butt.




And I'm sure you can guess the jokes that were made at that poor doll's (and Brandon's) expense.



So there you go, that's the last you'll hear from me about Christmas I promise!

Well, until next year at least.



Peace out.