Follow these easy steps to make your butt hole invasion as painless as possible!
Day 1: (Also known as Preparation-For-Hell Day)
Binge - like you've never binged before, but please, no purging. Eat the biggest meal possible for dinner. Think of it as your last meal before you are sent off for execution. Because on Day 2, you will only be aloud a liquid diet. You don't want to start the day off starving do you? No, STUFF. YOUR. FACE.
Stock up - Fill your fridge and cupboards with the following:
• Jello - The best liquid that helps you feel full, I suggest jigglers which you can make on Day 1 or the morning of Day 2.
• Popsicles - Mmmmm, who doesn't like popsicles?
• Broth - Clear broth, using water and bullion. This is great for your lunch and dinner, it tricks your belly into thinking it has actually eaten something of substance, when in fact you've only eaten flavored water.
• Juice - Cranberry, Apple, Gatorade, Pop, anything clear that you can SEE THROUGH but nothing that contains red dye. Did you know the inside of your colon is a reddish pink color? How can the violating Doc find anything if your insides are all the same color? Common sense people.
• Water - I like water bottles, that way you can have one at your side all day long. Plus you can help destroy our earth by not recycling them.
• Tea or coffee. Sugar, but NO CREAM! WARNING: Too much green tea on an empty stomach leads to involuntary praying to the porcelain God. Tea in moderation people. Moderation is key.
• Medications: Make sure you've purchased your assigned medications! (Please buy your laxative in pill form, don't make the mistake of buying suppositories, your butt hole has enough abuse coming, no need to add more.)
• Baby wipes - You will be pooping all day on Day 2, you don't want a raw inflamed butt hole do you? The answer is No. Not only is it embarrassing, but it hurts like a mother to stick a huge tube through it. Baby wipes are a must.
Moviefy - Rent a butt load (pun intended, I'm a dork. Word.) of movies. You will be stuck home for two days straight, I recommend having 7-8 movies on hand.
Day 2: (Also known as Kill-Me-Now-This-Is-Hell-On-Earth Day)
Home is where your butt is - Never, I repeat, Never leave the house during Day 2. You don't want to be the poor sap walking down the grocery isle smelling of dung do you? The answer is no, you don't.
Just say no - Whatever you do, do not use Fleet Soda as your cleansing agent. Use MiraLax. Unlike Fleet, MiraLax is not saltier than the Salt Lake, and it doesn't instigate an immediate gag reflex. MiraLax also prevents you from puking your intestines out for the rest of the day. And mix your MiraLax with Gatorade, there will be a light change in flavor but hardly noticeable at all. Yummy.
If you have to say yes, be smart - If you have to use Fleet, do not mix it with your favorite drink. If you do, you will never want that drink again. The fleet will ruin it for you. Just like how you can't eat hot dogs because you threw them up when you were a kid, it is the same concept. (If your doctor actually recommends fleet, I would turn and run as far away as possible. Fleet recently had a recall and is now in the middle of a law suit. See? Told you it was bad.)
Liquify - Drink as much liquid as possible.
Watchify - Watch your butt load of movies.
Make your bed and lie in it - You may want to make yourself a bed in your bathtub or somewhere near the toilet. Remember, you can never be too safe, your bed will need protection. Whether it be towells, a tarp, or your husband's favorite shirt, you always need protection. Don't you remember your sex-ed class?
Revert back to your infant self - You must wear a diaper to bed. Those all night maxi pads will work too. Your poop is going to be just like water and it's gonna come out whether you're ready for it or not. Trust me.
Day 3: (Or what I like to call Still-Like-Hell-But-A-Little-Better-Because-You-Get-Some-Really-Good-Drugs Day)
Be an early bird - Make sure your colonoscopy appointment is at the earliest hour possible. When you wake up, you will be dehydrated, exhausted, and starving. Why prolong it?
Bring your own lifeline - Make sure you wear socks to the hospital. You will have to get naky for everything below the waist except for your socks, they will be your lifeline, your comfort. Think of them as your teddy bear or baby blanket, a sense of home in a strange place.
Avoid eye contact - Avoid eye contact in the waiting room. Everyone is there to have their butt hole violated just like you, so nobody wants to chat. The waiting room is not a place to make friends or to hit on that hot guy sitting next to you for remember, he too will soon be violated. Butt holes should not be a conversation starter people!
Follow the buddy system - Take your spouse, or a friend with you. Not only will they have to drive you home afterwards, but they will need to be there to listen to the doctor. You will still be incoherent when she comes in to show you the beautiful pictures of your shiny diseased colon. (That was for you Justine)
Never fear the farting room - Everyone must fart before they are allowed to leave. Just like the waiting room, avoid eye contact. But really you have nothing to worry about because you will still be high on the butt drugs. Enjoy your loopy time while you've still got it.
Butt drugs are good - Drugs are the only benefit of your colonoscopy so take advantage of your loopy time. Say something to embarrass your husband. For example, when the doctor is in the room say,
"Maybe my butt hole is diseased because I let my husband in the back door last night".
Yep, that'll do it. He can't get mad. After all, you were under the influence and are likely not remember said comment anyway.
Restify - Sleep.
Watchify - Finish your butt load of movies
Pride - Hang the pictures of your colon on your fridge. Similar to hanging your college degree on your wall, people will be impressed.
Be proud of what you've accomplished!
1 year ago