Friday, January 22, 2010

Pooba's Guide To Surviving Your Colonoscopy

Follow these easy steps to make your butt hole invasion as painless as possible!


Day 1: (Also known as Preparation-For-Hell Day)

Binge - like you've never binged before, but please, no purging. Eat the biggest meal possible for dinner. Think of it as your last meal before you are sent off for execution. Because on Day 2, you will only be aloud a liquid diet. You don't want to start the day off starving do you? No, STUFF. YOUR. FACE.



Stock up - Fill your fridge and cupboards with the following:

• Jello - The best liquid that helps you feel full, I suggest jigglers which you can make on Day 1 or the morning of Day 2.

• Popsicles - Mmmmm, who doesn't like popsicles?

• Broth - Clear broth, using water and bullion. This is great for your lunch and dinner, it tricks your belly into thinking it has actually eaten something of substance, when in fact you've only eaten flavored water.

• Juice - Cranberry, Apple, Gatorade, Pop, anything clear that you can SEE THROUGH but nothing that contains red dye. Did you know the inside of your colon is a reddish pink color? How can the violating Doc find anything if your insides are all the same color? Common sense people.

• Water - I like water bottles, that way you can have one at your side all day long. Plus you can help destroy our earth by not recycling them.

• Tea or coffee. Sugar, but NO CREAM! WARNING: Too much green tea on an empty stomach leads to involuntary praying to the porcelain God. Tea in moderation people. Moderation is key.

• Medications: Make sure you've purchased your assigned medications! (Please buy your laxative in pill form, don't make the mistake of buying suppositories, your butt hole has enough abuse coming, no need to add more.)

• Baby wipes - You will be pooping all day on Day 2, you don't want a raw inflamed butt hole do you? The answer is No. Not only is it embarrassing, but it hurts like a mother to stick a huge tube through it. Baby wipes are a must.



Moviefy - Rent a butt load (pun intended, I'm a dork. Word.) of movies. You will be stuck home for two days straight, I recommend having 7-8 movies on hand.





Day 2: (Also known as Kill-Me-Now-This-Is-Hell-On-Earth Day)



Home is where your butt is - Never, I repeat, Never leave the house during Day 2. You don't want to be the poor sap walking down the grocery isle smelling of dung do you? The answer is no, you don't.



Just say no - Whatever you do, do not use Fleet Soda as your cleansing agent. Use MiraLax. Unlike Fleet, MiraLax is not saltier than the Salt Lake, and it doesn't instigate an immediate gag reflex. MiraLax also prevents you from puking your intestines out for the rest of the day. And mix your MiraLax with Gatorade, there will be a light change in flavor but hardly noticeable at all. Yummy.



If you have to say yes, be smart - If you have to use Fleet, do not mix it with your favorite drink. If you do, you will never want that drink again. The fleet will ruin it for you. Just like how you can't eat hot dogs because you threw them up when you were a kid, it is the same concept. (If your doctor actually recommends fleet, I would turn and run as far away as possible. Fleet recently had a recall and is now in the middle of a law suit. See? Told you it was bad.)



Liquify - Drink as much liquid as possible.



Watchify - Watch your butt load of movies.



Make your bed and lie in it - You may want to make yourself a bed in your bathtub or somewhere near the toilet. Remember, you can never be too safe, your bed will need protection. Whether it be towells, a tarp, or your husband's favorite shirt, you always need protection. Don't you remember your sex-ed class?



Revert back to your infant self - You must wear a diaper to bed. Those all night maxi pads will work too. Your poop is going to be just like water and it's gonna come out whether you're ready for it or not. Trust me.






Day 3: (Or what I like to call Still-Like-Hell-But-A-Little-Better-Because-You-Get-Some-Really-Good-Drugs Day)


Be an early bird - Make sure your colonoscopy appointment is at the earliest hour possible. When you wake up, you will be dehydrated, exhausted, and starving. Why prolong it?


Bring your own lifeline - Make sure you wear socks to the hospital. You will have to get naky for everything below the waist except for your socks, they will be your lifeline, your comfort. Think of them as your teddy bear or baby blanket, a sense of home in a strange place.



Avoid eye contact - Avoid eye contact in the waiting room. Everyone is there to have their butt hole violated just like you, so nobody wants to chat. The waiting room is not a place to make friends or to hit on that hot guy sitting next to you for remember, he too will soon be violated. Butt holes should not be a conversation starter people!



Follow the buddy system - Take your spouse, or a friend with you. Not only will they have to drive you home afterwards, but they will need to be there to listen to the doctor. You will still be incoherent when she comes in to show you the beautiful pictures of your shiny diseased colon. (That was for you Justine)



Never fear the farting room - Everyone must fart before they are allowed to leave. Just like the waiting room, avoid eye contact. But really you have nothing to worry about because you will still be high on the butt drugs. Enjoy your loopy time while you've still got it.



Butt drugs are good - Drugs are the only benefit of your colonoscopy so take advantage of your loopy time. Say something to embarrass your husband. For example, when the doctor is in the room say,

"Maybe my butt hole is diseased because I let my husband in the back door last night".

Yep, that'll do it. He can't get mad. After all, you were under the influence and are likely not remember said comment anyway.



Restify - Sleep.



Watchify - Finish your butt load of movies



Pride - Hang the pictures of your colon on your fridge. Similar to hanging your college degree on your wall, people will be impressed.


Be proud of what you've accomplished!

51 comments:

Rebecca Jo said...

I have tears from laughing... because you nailed it! Having been through this EXACT same process, you must have taken notes during the day!

The stuff I had to drink was "pineapple" flavored...I can not smell anything with a pineapple scent without freaking out & gagging!

Kristina P. said...

Wow. I'm speechless. That doesn't happen often.

Amanda Hopper said...

Oh honey! You nailed it on the head! I've been through the same process 9 years ago and OH MY OH MY!

Momma@Live. Laugh. Pull your hair out said...

OH.MY.FRIGGIN.GAWWWWWD!!!!! I am dying of laughter. My butthole hurts just thinking about it!!!

Thanks for the laugh.

Wanna hang out? And be my best friend????

blueviolet said...

I laughed all the way through this! Having been violated myself in this particular way many years ago, I could relate to this completely. Thanks for bringing those delicious memories back for me!

Queenie Jeannie said...

Laughed so hard!!!! Thanks Poob!

Brian Miller said...

i am laughing so hard, because i am scared. smiles.

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh. My. Gosh. This was SO hilarious. I am going to print this out for every person over the age of 50 that I know. Isn't that when you are supposed to start getting them? Thankfully, I have 18 more years to go! Thank you LORD!

Amy said...

I was crying just reading the title. Sometimes I schedule these for people at work and it's always fun telling them not to eat purple or red colored foods because it will STAIN their colon, good times!

Robyn said...

Oh. My. Word! I have not cried laughing that hard in YEARS! You have absolutely made my day. I think I would love to link to this post so that anytime someone in my family has to have 1 of those wonders, I can send them the linky, linky. Mind?

I'm so wantin' to be buds! You are just HILARIOUS!!!

otin said...

I was a little turned on! hahaha!

St. Jeor Family said...

That is just hilarious!!! You really did nail it and I had to go with the fleet!! It was the worste thing that I have ever tasted and I can't drink Sprite anymore.

Controlling My Chaos said...

Wow! Is there really a farting room? I'm going to have to come back and read this again when I have my first colonoscopy. It made me laugh. :)

Lee said...

I want a colonoscopy now, because you actually made it sound fun.

That's disturbing.

KK said...

Hilarious!

JennyMac said...

WOW..the cartoons alone are crazy!

Justine said...

If ever there was a TMI post, I think this one is it! And you know it takes a lot for me to say that. But truly, I enjoyed this walk down poopy lane.

I am supposed to have a colonoscopy done. I've been told numerous times, but every time I chicken out. Why? Because I'm hypoglycemic. With no carbs and no protein for a full day, how the hell can I level out my blood sugar? It scares the holy hell out of me!!!!

But, at least now I'll be prepared for when I finally do go for it.

So, you never told me. What exactly is wrong with your tiny shiny hiney? Colitis?

Justine :o )

Wehrle said...

Oh Kel, I feel for you!! I absolutly HATE colonoscopies!!! They really are Hell on earth!! They don't do fleet or miralax down here in backward Vegas... they use something else. It is horrid stuff. you put in in the fridge for two days and it NEVER gets cold... It tastes like warm.... um, something salty and thick, ya, I will let you use your imagination!! Anyway, you have to drink a whole gallon!! Let's just say I only made it through half of it and then lied to the Dr, I just couldn't do it!! I don't know if I could handel doing them as a regualr part of life like you... your poor bum bum,!!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

AHAHAHAHA! Thanks for letting us laugh at your expense. ;)

When I had to have a endoscopic retrograde cholangiopancreatography, I had to do similar 'prep' but not quite as thorough of a 'clean out'. As they were getting me all IV'd up to take me in, the nurse asked "So you're here for a colonoscopy, right?" I immediately responded "Uh, NO - other end!" :)

Mom Taxi Julie said...

I NEVER want to have that done. Thankyouverymuch.

Chief said...

are you shitting me (pun. word)

when do I actually have to have this done? what age? cuz I am going to off myself before I go through this...

Julia said...

OH MY GOD! I was covering my eyes for part of this post, then covering my mouth aghast. So so sorry. My sympathies.

I will cling to the memory of the socks. Somehow that stuck with me. I think I was just really trying to forget the other details.

Just A Mom (Call me JAM for short) said...

I HAVE to follow you. Because someday... I'm going need this information, and I've got to have some way to find it!

Hahahaha... laughing my butt off... for now.

otin said...

OK, from now on you are Poobra! haha

Mandy said...

Hilarious rendition of a not-so-hilarious thing. I'm printin' this one! :)

LadyStyx said...

maaaan...*laffin*

Yaya said...

Girl, aren't you way too young for this??

Faith Imagined said...

This is hilarious yet very informative!!!

-alisa hope

Jeanne said...

Pooba,

Let me start by admiring the hard work that went into this hilarious post. You have cartoons, puns, and a *unique* way of... umm... "prepping" people for this lovely experience which I know all about too well. There are several things you mentioned in the post that I wanted to comment on because I can't resist. You see, I have had 4 colonoscopies and when you count bowel preps for surgeries too, I've been through this 7 times now. I also had to have a foot removed from my colon.

So, without further ado, and without wanting to sound like a PARTY-POOPER in any way (yes, pun intended), I must say that I found it necessary to do the opposite of "binge" in the days heading up to my last colonoscopy.

Yes, I knew it would be awhile before I'd eat again. However, if I had "binged" directly preceding a bowel prep, I would have gotten REALLY sick during the prep. I actually fasted for a couple of days before the prep required me to do so to ease my body into the process. The thing is, anything that gets "binged" right before a prep must come out before the colonoscopy. So while you may be less hungry knowing you had that last big meal but by binging, you may also end up feeling worse during the prep because your body is working that much harder to "clean out".

You have some great "stock up" tips. Just remember that different docs have different preferences and bowel prep protocols. So before you shop, I would suggest getting that list from the doctor about what he/she wants you to have. For anyone intending to act on the baby wipe advice, I would suggest verifying that you are not allergic to them before using them in such a... umm... delicate area. When my daughter was born, I discovered (from my hands actually bleeding by the time a dermatologist pinpointed the allergen on the baby wipes we used) that I was allergic to her baby wipes (marketed as "natural").

Her wipes were causing a severe reaction to my hands even though I washed my hands immediately after using them. In the time it took to change a diaper, enough of the allergen soaked into my skin to wreak havoc. So this method is worthwhile but only IF you know the product is not an allergen for you.

Jeanne

End of Part 1 (to be continued)…… Darn that character limit…

Jeanne said...

Part 2………

Pooba, you are very lucky that movies are an option on prep day. For me... not so much.

Excellent advice not to even DREAM of leaving home on prep day. Pooba is quite right. Believe us!

If your doctor will allow blue Gatorade & Miralax mixed, Kelly is right that it rocks compared to any other prep heading into a colonoscopy. Oh, the issue with red dye is that it can throw doctors off when they are looking for one of the main things they look for: blood. If you deviate from their directions, the red Popsicles could cause it to appear that there is blood where there isn't. Don't deviate from your doc's orders about colors. They are serious.

Also true that Fleet mixed with your favorite drink of all time will result in you losing that drink as a favorite. For real.

As far as the meds used, they are great if they work properly. Without a doubt. (More on this in my colonoscopy post). Since this comment is getting long, I'm going to link to my colonoscopy blog post. (I emailed Pooba to warn her I might feel compelled to do so because otherwise this blog comment will get too long and Blogger won't allow it to fit.

I should warn you that my post isn't funny like hers. However, if you want to be prepared for a colonoscopy, you might find it helpful. (I warned Pooba that I get a little ANAL about medical topics).

http://chronichealing.com/colonoscopy-results-with-pictures/

Pooba, you are very funny and creative to have written this post about a topic that most people would probably struggle to find half as much humor in. Have you ever read the Dave Barry syndicated column about colonoscopies? Someone emailed it to me years ago. I laughed so hard I cried. You'd love it. If I find it, I'll send it your way. Great post! You are too funny!

Jeanne

Jeanne said...

Pooba,

I found it! The article by the humorist, Dave Barry?

Dave Barry - A Journey Into My Colon and Yours

Here's the link to it:

http://www.miamiherald.com/283/story/427603.html

The cool thing is it's funny AND it's educational.

Jeanne

Alexis AKA MOM said...

As usual you having me laughing out loud like a crazy person. So many wrong images came with this. Thanks so much as I get ready for church I'm going to be thinking and laughing of your post. You kill me girlie.

Jen said...

Hysterical! And I do know of these butt drugs. They are awesome.

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AmyLK said...

THIS is SO FUNNY because its so true! My dad and I do the buddy system, only we have our invasions on the same day. Saves my step mother from having the take too many days off work.

Orr's said...

Is it weird that I want to have a colonoscopy so I can sit on the couch for a day and watch movies and maybe lose a pound or two from not eating? Hmm oh well, and who knew there was such a 'club' for colonoscopers. What number is this one for you?

Frogs in my formula said...

This should be in reference section of the library under "Colonoscopy". What a wealth of information.

CLUFF FAMILY said...

So when was your last colonoscopy? I am looking forward to the day I get mine!

Eve said...

Oh my gosh - I laughed SO HARD... but only because I haven't actually had to live through this experience! Thank you for the wonderful tips though - I'm sure the day will arrive eventually.

Jason, as himself said...

I have not yet had the unfortunate experience, though Giancarlo has several times. And yes, this post is 100% accurate. You should seriously publish it into a little manual that can be left in the butt hole doctor's waiting room--at least provide a bit of comic relief for you poor people.

But you should clarify something. Something like "butt hole invasion (but not the good kind)".

We must not generalize, now, must we?

Karin Katherine said...

Oh my word. I so don't want to EVER go through this at all. But if I do...I'm bringing you to the office with me.

Blog Buddy said...

I love how up-front and honest you are with every detail...no hiding the dirty details with you! People can learn a lot from stopping here at your blog...♥

That Gal Kiki said...

Wow all we need is a pap-smear rebuttal and we can sell it to Showtime.

Love this!

:)

Sal B said...

Oh my goodness. I am seriously rolling on the floor laughing. That was hysterical. Thanks for all the details - now I know what to expect!

Pricilla said...

I don't know how I missed this post but (no pun intended) I think I am glad I read the award post first.

The male person had this done many years ago but so far the publicist has not been so, erm lucky.

Megan said...

OH. MY. WORD. LMAO!!! Thank God I've never been through this before. Kyle has though. I never want the experience. Glad you survived! ;0)

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Anonymous said...

I JUST drank my first 32 ounces of Moviprep-that could really be considered a form of torture in some countries. It took me two hours. My butt is on fire, though the bathroom experiences have been quite easy. I figured when I have to do this again...I'm getting the natural enemas through a holistic doctor to prep, or I'll look into this Miralax. Don't know if I can get down the last litre, but I'm also poopin' clear already!

Anonymous said...

Your so funny! And so right I took a nap in the bathtub last month. On the 24th if this month..... I think ill set up my sleeping bag in the hallway. Lots and lots of movies. Remember! Never fart on prep day!

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