Tuesday, March 16, 2010

What the What?

At my place of employment, I have this one particular coworker who just isn't "all there".

And everyone knows it.

You know who I'm talking about, there's one in every office.

Don't get me wrong, he does his job, but he creates most of the work he does himself because he's so old fashioned. For the purposes of this post, we will call him Mr. Barfboogerface.

Mr. Barfboogerface says the most random things to you out of the blue and everyone in the office just humors him.

It. Is. Hilarious.

So I've decided to keep an account of the things he says because well, who says stuff like that?

A little background on him first, he is in his early 50's, is overweight, is bald & freckled, has never been married, has never had kids, lives alone, and his life is his work.

He has back problems and other health issues of which he is determined to let everyone in the office know about. Not only know about, but know every detail of his medical history.

The only interaction he has with other human beings is at work, which is why he always stays at work late. There's no point in him going home, he has nothing to go home to. I know it's sad but he lives in his own reality he makes for himself, I don't ever see this changing.

His office is full of papers. No, I don't think you understand, I mean papers all over his desk, his shelves, piles and piles on the floor, people can't even walk into his office it's that bad!

(Not his real office but pretty close to it!)

And of course they recently moved his office right next to mine so guess who gets to be the recipient of any new health issues and/or big problems with important things like paper towels?

You guessed it. Me.

This here is a conversation, though mostly one sided, between Mr. Barfboogerface and another coworker of mine in the break room. The normal coworker, we'll call him Dave, was warming up his lunch in the microwave when Mr. Barfboogerface walks in.

Mr. B: "Hi, what's going on?"

Dave: "Just warming up my lunch." In his mind he's thinking, oh crap, my food has 4 more minutes! I'm stuck with him for 4 whole minutes!

Mr. B: "Oh. I just need to get some paper towels."

The paper towel roll was empty so Mr. Barfboogerface gets another roll out of the cupboard and while he is replacing it he says,

Mr. B: "You know, I blow my nose with these."

Awkward pause.

Mr. B: "Well, not these ones here at work of course, but when I'm at home."

Dave: Nods his head trying not to laugh.

Mr. B: "Now these paper towels only have the big sheets but I like the ones that are smaller so you can pick your size. Those are the ones I use."

Dave: Blank stare.

Mr. B: "Ya know, I always run out of these at home. I usually buy two at a time but since I use them so often, I just bought a 10 pack and put two inside my house and the rest in the garage." He is speaking very matter-of-factly as if this is important and valuable information.

Dave: Blank stare.

Mr. B: "But my garage isn’t attached to my house and I hate going out there so when I run out of paper towels I never want to go get more. And then when I get home from work and park in the garage, I never remember to bring some more up! " Sighs.

Dave: Blinks.

Mr. B: "Finally I found some extra space in my pantry where I can store them all so I don’t have that problem anymore."


Mr. B: "I should probably stop using these to blow my nose."

And with that, he walked out of the break room.

Dave said nothing this whole time but was pretty excited to come and recite his whole "conversation" with Mr. Barfboogerface to me.

My response?

"What the what?"


Kristina P. said...

We have a coworker like that. We have diagnosed him with Aspergers.

Rebecca Jo said...

First - that is an AWESOME name for your coworker... & I totally busted out laughing when I see you "labeled" him in your blog so we can just click that awesome name & see his stories!!!

You GOTTA keep a record & do a weekly "best of" of the stories...

I just keep picturing an older Dwight now... you gotta get slick & take a picture! And make sure a paper towel is near him when you do! :)

Tara Bennett said...

OMG. This brings me back to the days of coworkers and cubicles! I've blocked all the "Mr B" stories from my memory, but back in the day, I could have recited some doozies right along with you! Poor, poor Mr B and the millions like him!

Unknown said...

Hmmm that sounds like stuff my late stepfather would have said.. seriously.. Odd off the wall tings that leave you going ooookaaayyyy

Shandal said...

Wow. Entertaining to say the least... LOL I worked with a REALLY gross girl before. She would constantly pick her zits on her face AND bite her nails. So gross. She was a bank teller. I'm sure that looked good to our customers. Gag.

Formerly known as Frau said...

OMG!! I would want to shoot myself! I love the What the What! Too funny!

Sara said...

What the what?! is right. He sounds amazing and I think a weekly installment is a great idea. :D

brokenteepee said...

Now he just gave Dave some excellent organizational advice. Who could EVER have thought to make room IN THE HOUSE like that.

sometimes it is very good to be a goat. But there is Abby. Maybe I can call her Ms. Buttboogerface...heh

Claremont First Ward said...

It's amazing that people like that really do exist. And in multitudes. :)

I hope you plan on sharing MANY more Mr. Barfboogerman stories b/c I'm loving this start! :)

Furry Bottoms said...

I love it! :) We have a very very nice lady here in the office. The work she does is created by herself because she makes so many mistakes and is old fashioned like barfboogerface. But she is really nice. I drew the line, however, when I walked in the lunch room one day and she as holding a conversation with one of the microwaves. For real.

Brian Miller said...

you know you should be thankful...he at least keeps it entertaining...lol.

Heather@WHMB said...

I think you should make him a guest blogger, give him something to do. :) I mean, it would be intriguing to hear more stories like those of his paper towels....! Judging by his office conditions I'm almost certain he's a HOARDER.

Alexis AKA MOM said...

There always has to be one! I find sometimes when we get older we talk about the weirdest stuff ... lol

Liz Mays said...

You know he's super, super lonely when he talky talks like that! I feel sorry for him, but not nearly enough to ever, ever, ever befriend the loser. lol

Margaret said...

Gotta love how some people are so socially akaward lol.

Lee said...

I actually have a co-worker like that.

It's really, really awkward.

On top of that, everyone hates them. (I say them as to hide gender. PEOPLE READ MY THINGS. D: <)

Robyn | Add a Pinch said...

Oh my. That's hilarious! Love this storyline.

Nana said...

Maybe he has huge boogers and is worried about it, so he brings up the fact that he must use paper towels to blow his nose. He is hoping one of you will say "Oh me too, my boogers are huge so I use these babies too." You know then he can relax about it.

Then.... after that is cleared up he will start talking to you about what he wipes his butt with. Won't that be exciting?

ashley said...

Seriously? Seriously. I hope he doesn't blog though. If he does, we might have a jumper on our hands. Although he probably wouldn't realize that he is actually Barfbooger so... I think you're safe.

And my favorite post title of all time is from last time. "I cannot brain today, I have the dumb". That's going to be the new disclaimer statement to my life.

Jen said...


This was fabulous.

Oh and that port your are enjoying is one of my faves!

Stacy Uncorked said...

I sure hope I never turn into someone like that. I never want to cause you to reply "What the What?"


KK said...

Yep, every office has one. I just hope its not me :)

Julie H said...

We have a real winner at my work too, I should write about him lol

ashley said...

Thanks for the "hint"! I tried to fix it because you totally are right...your comments are SO important to me! That was not said in sarcasm. I'm totally serious. Really. You are the only one who even reads that blog and I hang on every word you leave me! But I am pretty comp. illit. so I may not have fixed it right. Tell me if I didn't -k-.

Synergy Girl said...

Gosh it sounds like he was a four-year-old telling a story...they are all dramatic and make things like going pee on the toilet sound like an intense and intricate detail of their survival...what a funny funny man...!!

Closer to Lucy said...

Poor Mr. Barfboogerface, he's unsocialized and probably hasn't had much practice with his social skills. I'll be hanging onto everyone of your posts dedicated to him though, he's the stuff case studies are made of!

Mayhem and Moxie said...

Loved this story, Poob! It reminded me of the good ole days when I was working. I swear that if there was a person with a terrible health story within a hundred feet of me, I was the one they wanted to share it with.

Glad to know this is something else we now share.

This story could have only been better if you were in the break room at the time typing it all up as it happened. :)

Janalyn and Rob said...

ONE in every office!?! I swear, we have AT LEAST seven. What a bunch of winners...er, I mean weenies.

Justine said...

OMG, you must walk around the office with pad and pen at the ready so this can be a continuing thing!!!!! Did he really say all that about paper towel? And did "Dave" (I bet that's his real name anyway) really not say a word?

Justine :o )

Dolly said...

Half of me- laughs my guts out over crazy people (the other half wonders if maybe I was a loony-toon at my job. So, I feel bad for crazies...and I laugh at them too:)

Megan said...

LMAO!! Wow.

AdriansCrazyLife said...

I'm reading an interesting book right now, it's about learning disabled kids and how they have a lot of problems in their social skills.

It's amazing the wide variety of social skills "normal" kids seem to pick up in the air they breathe, but these kids just don't know how to do that.

My youngest son has ADHD and I worry about him growing up like this some day, so I work really hard with him on his social skills, but it's hard to teach something like that when it doesn't come naturally.

On the other hand, I've had several co-workers like that over the years and it is pretty hard to deal with them on a daily basis.