Monday, April 12, 2010

My Little Boy

Last week was the worst week of my life. Through all the shit I've dealt with in my life I can honestly say that last week topped them all as the worst ever. The universe decided to chuck anything and everything it could right in my direction, but among everything that happened I'd like to talk about Thursday night.


My awesome lil sis knew I was having an awful week so she came over Thursday night with Logan to cheer me up. She is my life saver I don't know what I'd do without that girl and seeing Logan's smiling face can't help but put a little cheer in my heart.





The night was fun, I actually forgot about the mess in my life for a few hours. Logan of course immediately wanted to give Dozer treats. Logan knows all the commands and hand signs to use with Dozer. He'll have him sit, lay down, put the treat on his nose and balance it there until he says "okay"!





I love it and of course Dozer loves it too.


We all got to bed a bit late that night and as I was lying awake in the dark I could hear Dozer whining at my door. Which was normal because he always wants to come and sleep on our bedroom. Usually he will give up after a couple of minutes but this time he didn't.


I opened the door thinking that he probably had to go to the bathroom. He was lying on the ground panting and whining. He gets pretty excited when we have guests over so I convinced myself that that's all it was and I let him outside. It was about one in the morning by this time.


After I let Dozer back in he began to pace around the house then try to lay down in his bed but he'd immediately get back up and pace around again. I tried to calm him down and pet him because that's usually all he wants when he doesn't want to go to bed, just to be loved.


I decided to lay on the couch to see if he would calm down and go to sleep. Well, he didn't and soon he started going downstairs and coming back up and whimpering. I went downstairs and found that he had been throwing up a foamy white substance.


I freaked.


"Ok" I thought, "Something is definitely wrong, I'm not just being paranoid anymore." I didn't care what time it was, I finally decided to wake Al up and ask him what to do. His dad is our Vet and Alex has worked as a vet tech in the past so he knows what to do.


I felt Dozer's belly and realized it was bloated and extremely tight. We took him to the hospital right away. I could tell he was in so much pain it was hard not to cry. We arrived at about 2 in the morning and the doctor on call immediately got him back for x-rays.


Alex's suspicions were right, Dozer had a twisted stomach. Apparently it is very common with large chested dogs. To fix the problem they have to do surgery and untwist his stomach and then stitch it in a way that won't allow it to twist again.


Alex called his Dad to come do the surgery. I was so grateful that I was able to stay with Dozer the whole time which wouldn't be possible of course if Alex's dad wasn't his vet. It was a common surgery and Alex said Dozer should be just fine.


They began prepping Dozer and got him hooked up to an IV, and the surgery finally started at about 4 in the morning. My mom-in-law and I were able to watch the surgery from right outside the door of the operating room. Dozer has never done well under anesthesia so they had to monitor his heart beat closely because it would skip from time to time.


At about 6:30 or so I went to the restroom and when I came back to the operating room everyone was just standing around looking at me. Alex came over and I saw that his eyes were red and wet. His voice broke as he said "He didn't make it" and he took me in his arms.


I didn't believe it, I was just here and he was fine. How is it possible? He was going to be fine. All I could do is shake my head in disbelief, I refused to accept it. Finally I broke down and went limp in Al's arms as he guided me back to his dad's office for a some privacy.


We cried.


And cried.


Just like I am crying now. Dozer was our child, my little boy how could he be gone? Just like that? Just hours ago he was happy as can be, I just couldn't understand.





During the surgery, Dozer went from good to bad within 15 seconds and they did everything they possibly could do to revive him but his heart was too weak and it just gave out on him. Dozer was just too old and his heart couldn't handle the stress.


I feel pretty empty right now, kind of like I am floating around and life isn't really real. There is a hole in my heart. Every time I walk through the front door I expect this black drooling mass to come running at me knocking me over. He was always happy to see me. I miss him terribly.


Every time I'm at home and hear a dog bark I run to the back door by habit to tell Dozer to be quite. I wake up in the morning expecting to wake his lazy ass up and drag him outside. I arrive home from work and expect to see him whining from behind the fence begging for me to let him back inside.





I finally cleaned my house yesterday. All of his hair is gone. That annoying coarse black hair that I hated to clean up is gone and for the first time I wish it would come back.


I'm going to miss finding slobber on the walls.





I'm going to miss cleaning up dirty paw prints on the kitchen floor.


I'm going to miss finding his bones buried in the laundry basket or in the corner of the room.





I'm going to miss taking him on walks and having everyone ask me "Who's walking who?"


I'm going to miss all the bruises, scrapes and scabs that I get while playing soccer with him in the back yard.





I'm going to miss cuddling with him while I watch a movie.


I'm going to miss yelling at him to get off the damn couch.


I'm going to miss the scraps of toilet paper that I find around the house or the chewed up can of tuna that he pulled out of the trash.


I'm going to miss those brown puppy dog eyes pleading with me for just one scrap of food.





I'm going to miss how excited he gets when I put on my tennis shoes because he thinks he is going on a walk when in fact I am just going to the gym.


I'm going to miss him growling at Smokey when he gets too close to his bone.


I'm going to miss asking him "Where's your baby?" and having him go looking until he finds his stuffed animal baby and brings it back to me.





Most of all I am going to miss the unconditional love that he always had for me.





We love and miss you Dozer.

79 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Oh, Pooba, this broke my heart!! I am so sorry. He was such a beautiful dog.

Pricilla said...

Oh I am so very sorry.
It is so hard to lose a member of the family be it human or animal.
Goat hugs from all of us here on the Farm.
Even Abby.

Princess Andy said...

oh, honey...i'm so sad for you:(

no matter how much we complain and whine about the buggers, we know that there's always the unconditional love waiting for us when we need it.

sorry.

<3 andrea

christy said...

ah, kel, i'm so sorry to hear this. i'll be thinking of you.

St. Jeor Family said...

Oh Kelly, I am so sorry. I am in tears right now. I can't imagine loosing my first "child"! My heart aches for you.

Kasey Hunt said...

I'm so sorry for you guys! Hang in there!!

Momma@Live. Laugh. Pull your hair out said...

((hugs)) I am a blubbering mess. I am so sorry....

There are no words........

I am going to go hug Studley and forget about him shitting on my carpet the other day.......

Karin Katherine said...

Oh honey I am so heart broken and sorry for you. Girl, I'm going through a trial over here too.

Hence my lack of blogging...

But wow, your news I didn't expect or want to hear either.

What a beautiful tribute to your precious Dozer.

Its tough being the Mama isn't it?
I'll be praying for you that your heart begins to heal and that the MANY happy memories you have of your precious pooch come to mind faster and stronger than the hole you feel now.

koopermom said...

Oh I am so so sorry for your loss. Losing a pet is so hard. He was a beautiful dog.

Melissa said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how important doggies are! It breaks my heart! Time heals all things

Jen said...

Aw, sweetie. I am so sorry. That is just so sad. :(

Aunt of 14 said...

I am so sorry, Pooba. My heart was breaking for you as I read this post. You gave him a good life and he won't forget it. You're in my thoughts.

singedwingangel said...

Oh sweetie i am so sorry for your loss. I have a gf who had a large dog who did the same thing and she lost hers as well tothe surgery. Your baby was beautiful... sending you hugs and love..

glitterbygrammie said...

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. He was a loved dog and loved you back, could he really ask for anything more. Like anything that comes into our lives we need to remember all the good times that keeps them close to our hearts.
I am now going to go hug my 3 kids(dogs)and let them now they are loved.

Heather@WHMB said...

I don't have too many words on things like this, I'm always a little bit speechless. It's just plain sad and I'm so sorry this happened to you guys. Dogs are amazing members of a family, I know he was so loved and a huge part of yours. Time will heal this for you, but I can imagine how it hurts at the moment. Take care of yourself and know you've got lots of folks thinking of you. :(

Rebecca Jo said...

Oh my gosh... I started reading & PRAYING the end result was going to be different then it was... & then my tears started rolling for you... I honestly am weeping at my desk because I know the emptiness of loosing a pet - especially one you adore like you do your Dozer...

Our neighbor's standard poodle had the same thing happen.

I know you will have a part of you missing now... I'm sending you big hugs & prayers of comfort... no one understands the loss of a pet that is part of your family until it happens to them.. & it all just sucks...

Hernandez Family said...

Sorry to hear about your loss! I believe in doggy heaven and I think that is where he is now!

AmyLK said...

Oh no! I am SO Sorry for your loss! He was such a lovely pup.

blueviolet said...

I am so terribly sorry! I can't even begin to know the pain you must be feeling right now. Please know that I care very, very much. Love and hugs to you, my dear, dear friend.

Megan said...

Oh Poob!!! I am devastated for you. Devastated! I am SO sorry! I've got tears streaming down my face because I know I would feel exactly as you do. My heart breaks for you. ((((HUGE GINORMOUS HUGS)))

Call Me Cate said...

I'm so sorry. My heart is breaking for you and your beautiful Dozer.

Chief said...

Pooba! I am so sorry... there is nothing like losing such a huge part of your lives and Dozer is a beautiful dog.

I am thinking of you today adn sending huge (((hugs))) from Chief for the loss of your baby.

sniff

Brian Miller said...

dang. i am crying too now.

sorry.

Mindy, Tyler, and Kids said...

I am so sorry Kelly!! Hang in there. What a terrible end to a terrible week! Enjoy some good chocolate.

Wehrle said...

Oh no! Kelly I am so sorry you had such a bad week and such a sad loss! I can't imagine how you must feel!

Jen said...

I am crying as I write this comment! I am so sorry! I don't even know what to say! Dozer was a beautiful dog!! Hugs!!!

Jason, as himself said...

This is so terrible. I am so sad for you and Al. I just don't even know what to say.

I wish I lived just down the street so I could come over and cry with you and give you a hug and then laugh with you about funny things Dozer used to do and then cry again.

Mandy said...

So sorry to hear this! :(

Closer to Lucy said...

Loosing a family member is hard. I'm so sorry for loss, I know it hurts. We're all crying with you.

Julie said...

I'm just so sorry, and I know words are inadequate. What a sweetheart. Will keep you in my prayers.

Dari said...

I am so so sorry to hear about your dear dog. Especially how sudden it was. We have a dog as well so I understand how much you must have loved him. I hope you are doing ok and can start to feel happy soon :)

Amy said...

So sorry Kelly!

Janelle said...

That was beautiful. So sorry for your loss. My heart goes out ot you.

John and Rachael Alexander said...

I'm so sorry Kelly!

Janalyn and Rob said...

Oh no, I am so sorry for your little family! Dozer was quite the studly dog. Your tribute was so touching. Now I can't wait to give my pup an extra hug tonight.

Ryan Ashley Scott said...

I'm so so sorry, hon. He was a beautiful boy. Your post just brought me to tears. Sending hugs and warm thoughts your way.

Kim said...

Oh my gosh. I'm so so sorry. My dog is my world and I can't imagine what you're going through right now. Hugs!

Our Family! said...

Kelli I am so sorry! I dread the day something happens to my dog. Take care! Ang

Robyn said...

I am so sorry. Words just don't seem to be fitting when there is such a loss.

I am praying for you and most definitely think about you!

Your tribute to your sweet boy Doozer is very precious.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Oh honey I'm so sorry! I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my face. I still miss my buddy. I bet Dozer is playing with him in doggy heaven right now. ((((((HUGZ!!!!!)))))

Nana said...

Well, it's sad that part of having an animal is knowing that one day you will lose them. Been there done that, don't like it one bit!! At least with us we kind of knew it was coming. Dozer is a beautiful dog. He loved you. He knows you loved him. I sure am sorry you are having such a bad week and now it's moved on into this week. I kept my dogs baby for years after she died. I couldn't part with it. I finally did. I think I thought that if I got rid of her baby I would be betraying her or something.
I wish I could say something that would make you feel better. Only time can do that. I am sorry for your loss.

Suzi said...

Aw, Pooba, my heart is breaking for you. You had my in tears reading this post. I feel for you and I am sorry you lost Dozer. Be thinking of you and Al.

Sara said...

I'm so sad for your loss. (((BIG HUGS)))

Donnetta said...

Oh, Pooba...

My heart aches for you. I'm so so sorry. Sending lots of hugs your way.

Renee Campbell said...

Aw, Im so sad for you guys. I cried reading your post and thought how I need to be nicer to our old dog because I too would miss the little things. ((hugs))

Controlling My Chaos said...

I'm so sorry for you. Dozer was Da Man and I loved reading about him. Poor guy. :(

Orr's said...

I'm crying all over again, that was so sweet.

dani said...

So sorry for your loss Kel.

KK said...

I'm so sorry sweet girl. I had already been praying for you for other such things and now I'm just heartbroken for you. It's not fair, it's not right, it just sucks! They are our kids, especially for us! Praying your pain is soothed as only time can I suppose. I don't know how I will handle it, but I suppose I'll have too someday, since we live so much longer than our pets. It's just not fair! I'll be thinking of you.

African American Mom said...

Oh, I am so sorry. I hate that I came back and you have such terrible news. I truly am sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

Wow, Im so very sorry for your loss, I lost my beloved Doberman suddenly and its heart breaking.
I feel your pain :)

Stephanie Faris said...

You made me cry! I'm so sorry. I know how our dogs become children to us...they are part of our family. I always find comfort in this poem. It makes me cry, but I find comfort in it. I truly believe we will see our little four-legged companions again someday:

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.

The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Marissa said...

Ahh, man...I'm crying right now for you, Dozer, Al, Smokey... EVERYONE that loved that dog. It's so hard to lose a pet, you wonder if it's even worth getting another one and getting attached, only to eventually lose that one down the road, too. And yet, life seems so empty without them! I hope sometime soon you can find another "fur child" to bring that sunshine into your lives again.

Blog Buddy said...

I'm soooo sorry Pooba! Dozer sounded like one cool dog:) Reminds me of my dog Nesha. She was our sled pulling husky in Alaska. When we lived out in the family homestead...she ran off with a pack of wolves. My dad said she was probably later eaten by the pack:( I cried for days...Maybe Dozer and Nesha have hooked-up in the doggy after-life. Bet they'd have CUTE puppies!

Annie Harper said...

Ahhh, I cried when I heard, and I'm crying again. Dozer and you really did have a special bond, and I know he loved you just as much as you loved him.

Truly, I'm not sure how you have made it out of such an awful week. You are SO strong Kel, and I know right now it might not seem like things will get any better, but they will. You have amazing things in store for you girl, I just KNOW it. You deserve it. LOVE YOU

CLUFF FAMILY said...

I am so sorry. I hope I don't sound heartless (on the phone). Like I said, I am in shock, don't know what to say. I know that whaatever I do say, it won't help. I just hope that I don't make it worse. It's probably best if I keep my big mouth shut. Just know that I love you more than I can ever express. I am always here for you no matter what. I wish I were a better friend to you. I know things will get better for you. I love ya Kel... B2F2s!! I wish I could be there to get slobber on your walls and hide bones in your laundry. I could even play soccer with you and make you get bruises and scabs! Love you, love you, love you...

chel wakley said...

I am so sorry I wish there was something. I could do for you. Let me know if there is.

The Red Headed Mama said...

Oh, I'm so sorry :(

yulz said...

sorry for your loss

klynch said...

SO very sorry to hear of your loss
he sounded like a wonderful dog.
((HUGS))

Marsdinis said...

So sorry for your loss! It's amazing how they get right into your heart. Sweet post. So sorry.

THE Stephanie said...

So sorry to hear about Dozer!! My thoughts are with you.

Kellie said...

I know I'm so late to this, but here goes..
This post made me cry. We had a dog, a mastiff/dane mix named Hercules. He was blind and deaf, and we rescued him. The exact same thing happened to him when he was about 6 or 7. He had a twisted stomach.. he even made it through surgery, but his heart stopped like 3 times during the night and on the 3rd time they couldn't bring him back.
So this story just broke my heart. I really feel for you.. :(

Julia said...

Oh Kelly, this is awful. Poor Dozer and poor you. I hope you feel better soon. It's always so hard to loose our pets. It's just miserable and painful. Sometimes I feel like hitting my foot with a hammer just to make one pain replace the other. No don't do that. Not a good idea.

I send you hugs from all the critters here. Maybe Shmobie and Dozer hang out in Doggie and Kitty heaven. :)

Tremayne and Dellany Higby said...

I don't want to believe this... at all. I am so sorry. There is nothing I can say to make any of this any better. I still to this day think that I hear or see our little Foxxy who passed nearly a year ago. Tremayne finally made me put away her little food bowl. I am so sorry for your loss. There is just nothing that can replace our furry children. We will always grieve losing them because they are such blessings to be around. They make everything so much better.

You bet he is with his PIC (partner in crime) Bain and they are having a ball!

=-
^that was meow mix, he wanted to let you know he knows what you are going through and sends his love.

:'(

hang in there! We'll miss you, you big handsome guy!

ChicagoLady said...

Pooba, I'm so sorry to hear about Dozer! If he could read (and talk), he'd tell you all those things he did were his way of showing you how much he loved you. It is so hard to lose a pet, and when they go quickly like that, the shock makes it harder to understand. I can tell how much you love him and miss him, and I believe there are a place for our pets in heaven. He'll be waiting, all slobbery and carrying a bone, when you get there. Big hugs from one animal lover to another.

Amy B said...

Oh my goodness...I so understand what you are going through. Go take a quick look at my blog from a few days ago. I am so sorry about your Dozer..

http://ourdailyblessinglife-amyb.blogspot.com/2010/04/jumper.html

Jon and Steph said...

Tears... LOTS OF TEARS! Gawd my heart just broke for you. I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to lose a pet! I had a rotti that had to be put down. Ugh I'm so sorry! Doser looked like such a happy guy! Hope you feel better soon.

Sal B said...

Oh I am so sad for you I just want to cry. I do know exactly how you are feeling though - like a part of your life is just missing. We bought our first puppy, a golden retriever, a month after we were married - we truly didn't know life without her. She was one amazing dog and friend. She went through so much with us, and loved my kids endlessly. She was 11 when she died a couple years ago - we still miss her dearly. My daughter still cries, and I usually join her. There is something about a dog - they are just so loyal, and definitely become part of the family. Thinking of you during this tough time!

Kitten said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of Dozer. Pets really are a part of the family. I was in tears when I read your post...I hope Dozer's smiling down at you and your menagerie right now.

Justine said...

{{{{{{{{{{Kelly & Alex}}}}}}}}}} I don't know what more I can say that I haven't already said to you in emails. This post was beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. Dozer was such a beautiful "little" guy and I know you're missing him and hurting terribly. It will take a while, but hopefully soon you'll be able to think of him without crying... think of all the millions of moments of joy he brought to your life... and smile.
I love what you did... getting a paw print made. That is such a wonderful way to honor the memory of your furry son. I love you Poo.

Justine

Queenie Jeannie said...

I'm soooo soooo sorry Lil Sis!! And I'm sorry I was late. Big hugs!!!!

LadyStyx said...

*HUGZ* Im so sorry. My condolences on the loss of your furbaby.

Adrian's Crazy Life said...

Oh my gosh Pooba! I am SO sorry. This one time, I know exactly what you're going through. We lost our beloved St. Bernard Sasha in exactly the same way. It is SO terrible and just tragic. I knew immediately what it was, but I also knew we only had a 10% chance of saving her. We got her to the vets within 10 minutes and she still died right in front of us. I am so sorry that you are missing your beloved Dozer so much, he was such a cool pup.

Stesha said...

Pooba, I'm so sorry. Losing a loved one like that...so sudden and unexpected...is really hard. Dozier is in doggy heaven living the life right now:)

Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha

Mom Taxi Julie said...

I'm sooo sorry! I lost my old girl in December and I know all about everything you were saying.

Jeanne said...

Pooba,

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. That was a lovely tribute to Dozer. I'm so sorry.

Jeanne

foxy said...

Oh Pooba, I just read this and it totally brought me to tears. So sorry to hear about the loss of your Dozer.

scrappysue said...

:(
i still remember when our family dog died. i was 17, and well, i'm not 17 now and it was a loooooong time ago, but i still remember the heartache. hugs