Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Hangin In

Okay here's the deal, my life has taken a very big unexpected dump in the toilet. I mean a huge fat stinky turd right there in the pot.


I think it's about time I write about it because this blog is going to be changing and I might as well spill the beans and explain what's been going on. For respect of others I can't really go into any details but I don't have any ill feelings toward anybody.


Gosh, I'm trying to write this so matter of factual and it's not working. I just need to write it as a story, it just feels better to me that way.


A few months ago, Alex and I were talking and he revealed to me that he no longer wants to have children.


Like ever.


We've been married 8 years and have always planned on having children from the start. He had never said a word about not wanting them until now and of course I have wanted children all my life! It was never a question for me, you grow up, get married & pop out the kids. So when I first learned of the news,


I was completely shocked.


Completely devastated.


Completely confused.


And extremely sad.


We didn't know what to do. In that one second, everything in our lives changed. Just like that. Thoughts were racing through my head a mile a minute. What does this mean? This isn't happening. This is a dream, a joke, it couldn't possibly be real.


So over the past few months we've been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of talking and a lot of crying. Long story short I know that I can never be happy unless I become a mother. That is and has always been my ultimate goal. It's just such a powerful feeling to want a child so badly, I can't ignore that.


He has been trying and hoping that he would get the desire to have children but that feeling has never come and he has realized that it never will. Just as strongly as I want a child, Alex does not.


Where's the compromise in something like that?


Ultimately there is no compromise. We have decided the only way for both of us to have a chance at happiness is to separate. We are getting a divorce.


Divorce.


That's such an ugly word. That word has so many horrible assumptions associated with it. Bitterness, anger, regret, jealousy, hate.


But we feel none of these. We still love and care for each other very much. Sometimes I wish I could just hate him, that maybe it would make things a little easier for me. But I can't. All I feel is an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness.


I never realized that when you go through a divorce, you not only loose your spouse, but you lose your whole life. It feels like you have to divorce everything and everyone associated with him.


It's the most painful thing I have ever gone through.


Ok, I'm probably saying way to much now and I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, I just needed you to know what was going on with me.


Now the future?


Well, two weeks ago I moved into a town home that is close to my work. Alex will be moving out of state in August to go to law school so it's just me and the kitties.


Yes, I am the Cat Lady.


But I have enrolled in school to get my masters in accounting so I'm currently taking classes (only one more week of summer semester!). I don't know why I thought I needed to start school right away, my house is still in boxes because I only have time for homework right now. Soon I hope to get my life put back together but in the mean time I am so lucky to have such a wonderful supportive family & friends who have helped me through this.


I wouldn't be able to survive this without them.


I'm also so lucky to have so many big strong men in my family to move my piano! (Thanks guys!)


So that's about it, I'm still working and just living one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. I have no idea what the future holds for me and honestly, I can't really think about that right now.


As my grandma always said:


"I'm hangin in."

60 comments:

Kasey Hunt said...

My Grandma always said: "This to shall pass." KELLY!!! If I could give you a hug I would. If I could fix this situation I would. I hate to see one of my blogging friends go through such a hard thing.
You will have lots of prayers and positive thoughts here in K-zoo for you. I'm so glad you have family close for support.

THE Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry Kelly. I really hope everything works out for you.

Brian Miller said...

dang. sorry it came to this...glad you have a good support group around you...some days will be better than others and i am glad you put it out there too because i have found the blog community to be a great support. wising the best...

Queenie Jeannie said...

You know I love you Lil Sis!!! Big hugs. I'm glad you finally posted this so you don't have to hold it in anymore. And you can get tons of bloggy lovin.

Divorce is the death of an important relationship. And there are many stages of the grief you must go through, to come out of it to the other side. It's gonna hurt like hell, but you'll come out a better, stronger person. Been there, done that.

Just know, that the man you will have children with....is out there...looking for you...and wondering what's taking you so long!!

koopermom said...

It'll get better..pretty lame thing to say, but it will. Stay strong.

KAL071203 said...

I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you.

Everyday Goddess said...

i have experienced divorce after having a child and it is truly bitter and ugly, so in some way i hope to offer you the sense that it's better now than later.
still, i am sorry for your heartache!

Rebecca Jo said...

I'm so sorry.... I'm going to be really truthful here... my husband does not want kids either. I did... I decided to go with his choice & though we are still together & I do love him, I resent him for that & I feel like its put a barrier there that can never be taken down... So I totally respect & applaud you for knowing what you want & moving towards that... I know its not easy now. But one day, when you have a husband & a CHILD in your arms, it will all be worth it in the end.

And we went into marriage too thinking children are just what comes naturally... things change... people change...

Sending you hugs!!!

Controlling My Chaos said...

This very same thing happened with Peanut Head and I seven years into our marriage. I told him if he felt that way, he should get a vasectomy. Of course that scared the crap out of him so he didn't. The rest is history.

I felt all the same feelings you described for about two years of hanging in there with him. It is something I would never want to go through again, and I still harbor resentments. I hung in there because our marriage counselor told me he should be the one to leave and take responsibility for his feelings. I don't know if I would do that again. It was so painful not acting.

I'm in awe of your strength. You are doing what is right for you and you should be proud of yourself. I know it's probably hard to feel that right now.

I'm thinking about you and wishing only the best for you. I think everyone that reads this blog is. I love coming here and getting a good laugh.

Justine said...

Oh my God, Poo... I never EVER would have guessed that there were ANY problems between you and Alex that couldn't be overcome. I'm stunned, I'm nearly speechless and I'm aching for you.

I have to say that I really don't understand how Alex could feel so strongly AGAINST having children that he's willing to give up his happy marriage over it. I feel that there's more to this than you're saying, but if there is, I can't blame you for not being wide open for the whole damn blog world to read.

Please email me when you can. I want to be there for you and help you through this any way I can. One thing I can say is that my Poo is one STRONG, FIERCE woman.

Justine :o /

Amy said...

I have been there. IT sucks and it really hurts, and through it all I thought the same as you... I lost my best friend, and that hurt more than anything. THe sad thing is I have two kids with this best friend and that made it all harder.

I know you will come through it all with amazing strength. I get that just from reading your blog. Keep your head up and be strong and faith will see you through it.

singedwingangel said...

Aww sweetie I am so sorry. At least you guys are parting as friends, which in reality probably makes it harder.. sending you much love and prayers

foxy said...

I am so sorry to hear this, Pooba. The whole 'kids' factor can really have a HUGE effect on a marriage. I'm kind of going through a similar situation now... well, not similar really, but still kid-related. I'm getting up there in age and feel like the hubs and I can't really decide what the hell we want. So we've been leaving it up to fate for the past year and a half, but nothing's happening. Which just strings me and my heart along. Know what I mean? It's ridiculous. I just want to be decided one way or the other. Hanging in the balance is killing me.

I'm sending some positive energy and prayers your way, girl... prayers for your strength. Take care Pooba.

Kristina P. said...

OH, Pooba, my heart is breaking for you. What a sad situation. I have always thought you and Alex had a smiliar relationship as me and Adam.

It sounds like you have picked yourself up by the bootstraps and are trying to move on. I am thinking of you!

Momma@Live. Laugh. Pull your hair out said...

((hugs))

And a big high five for you for thinking of yourself....your wants and needs.

Julia said...

Oh Pooba, if feel so bad for you but at the same time glad that you have taken control of things and done what makes sense.

It's OK to be the cat lady for a few months.

I've been the cat lady my whole life and I even had kids in the end. ;)

You are a tough woman and I KNOW will reach your goals.

Dari said...

OMG Pooba I got all teary while reading this. My heart is breaking for you. As a woman who has always known I have wanted children and know the joy mine have brought to my life, I am so glad that you are moving toward a place where that is possible for you. You deserve all the happiness you can have and the children that will contribute to that. Stay strong, you are such an inspiration. Thank you for sharing with us and letting us help support you through it.

Stacie's Madness said...

YOU ARE IN MY THOUGHTS.

Megan said...

I'm so sad for you!! I can't imagine what a hard decision this was for you both. You're in my thoughts and prayers. I don't really know what else to say. =( (((HUGS)))

St. Jeor Family said...

I am so sorry Kelly! You are one strong person and I wish the best for you.

Kell said...

Can I just hug you? I can't imagine how hard of a decision that must have been..and how hard it is to go through. You'll make it through though. :(

JennyMac said...

The biggest of hugs...lean on your family and friends as much as you need too and know that you are being held with a thousand positive thoughts right now.

Debbi said...

It seems insensitive, but I for one am happy for you.

Hear me out.
You and Alex realize that you have serious needs in a relationship, and niether of you need to change your needs for the other to be happy. You BOTH are hurting right now, you both are dealing with this, and you aren't angry with each other. You will love each other until the day you die, but you'll also find someone else that can ensure your life's dreams are fulfilled.

You know me, Poobs. I. WAS. THERE!!!!!!!!!

So, you've done the HARDEST THING EVER. You've totally nailed it on the head that divorce is practically divorcing your entire life! Everything changes! You've found some inner strength to talk about it, to recognize what it is and what it will be, and you've made the steps towards happiness, even though those steps are through piles of shit.

Hun, you can do this. You will be happier someday, even though you honestly thought that you were sooooo incredibly happy before.

My heart hurts for you- I feel your hurt right now VERY strongly. I 'lost' future kids and subsequently lost a spouse because of it too. It hurts more than anything.

Love you babe. HUGE HUGS and empathy. You will be fine. You are allowed to be sad. You are simply amazing!

AmyLK said...

Oh, my heart aches for you and what you are going through. So glad you put it out here for us to help support you along with your family and friends!

We are here if you need to vent or cry! Sending hugs your way....

Pricilla said...

Goat hugs from the whole herd.
That is all I can offer.
It's been said better by those ahead of me.

Hernandez Family said...

I am so sorry you are hurting! I know that you will never regret the choice to have children!

Stephanie Faris said...

Wow. This is huge.

I'm 39 and childless. I had a miscarriage when I was 32 that messed me up emotionally and ended my marriage, ultimately. I was single for a while and now I'm 39 and it's really too late for me. It's my one regret. Yes, there might still be time but my husband isn't sure he wants to start over and I'm not sure either, but I'll tell you this -- it's my one regret, not having children. I know that I'm ultimately to blame for that...but if it had been because I was married to someone who didn't want children during my fertile years, that resentment would have built and built...

Mindy, Tyler, and Kids said...

I am so sorry Kelly. I wish there was something I could do or say to help. If you want to escape to Alaska, just let me know!! Keep hangin in. :)

Margaret said...

I know what you are saying! ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

Kitten said...

I'm sorry to hear this news, Pooba. Know that you have a lot of support here in the blog community. We're all here for you. (((((hugs)))))

Call Me Cate said...

I'm sorry to hear this. It hits close to home for reasons I'd rather not get into here (but you have my email if you need an ear) but I've questioned many times - if I could be sure that THIS is what I want, I could move ahead with it. But neither of us is quite sure. If the two of you are this certain, then it sounds like you've made the right decision, even if it's not an easy decision.

On a lighter note, I'm also currently taking classes and while I'm not in the middle of moving, I get the "no time for anything but homework" thing. I do try to take enough time to shower and brush my teeth each day because those things are important. The boxes will wait.

KK said...

I'm proud of you for blogging about it. You are braver than me! Hang in there :)

Kim said...

I'm so sorry Kelly. When I read this, it was like reading my own life story. This exact same thing happened between myself and my ex husband. Of course, there were other things that ultimately led to our divorce, but the kids issue was a big one.

I know how it feels to be told that same thing. My ex husband up and told me he had made an appointment to get a vasectomy. Shock of a lifetime.

I'm glad to hear that you two are parting on good terms. It's not fun when things turn nasty.

Needless to say, I still vividly remember the endless nights of crying, and being scared/anxious about what was going to happen to me.

It's ok to be unsure of what your future holds. Just take it one day at a time and let life happen to you. Also, go out there and find what you really want. It's there. I promise.

I know we're just blogging buddies but seriously email me any time you need to talk.

dani said...

My Kelly! I'm so sorry. Let me know how I can help.

Also, congrats on returning to school, that is so awesome! Will you be joining the local Waukeenyans again? :)

Love your guts Kel.

Sarah said...

I'm so sorry. Would it make you feel any better if I invited you to join my scooter and/or drinking club?

otin said...

Very sorry to hear this:(

One thing that I have learned is not to look at the past as wasted time. It is really time that is necessary to get us to where we need to be.

If two people are not on the same page of such an important issue then you really have no other choice. It would not be fair to deny you the feeling of motherhood.

You are still young and have a lot of life ahead of you. You will move on to better days and situations and one day probably realize that it was for the best that it happened this way. Neither one of you would have ever been truly happy in the end.

Sorry once again.

blueviolet said...

You are so brave, so dear, and so very special. You deserve to be a mother and there are some very blessed future children who have no idea what a gift they will have in you.

You know I adore you completely, that I love you dearly, and that I will always, always, always be here for anything you need.

I hurt that you hurt, and I care so very much. Love you!

Marissa said...

Oh Kelly! My heart hurts for you right now. I'm afraid my marriage is at that same crossroad as yours and it hurts me to know you had to go through that same heart breaking soul search to come to that decision. Another person said it so well--this decision doesn't mean you don't love each other, but you both deserve happiness in life and unfortunately that happiness doesn't include the same things. I'm so glad your family and friends are there to be that support system that's so needed. You're awesome girl, and I know you'll find someone that wants everything that you desire!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

I'm sorry :( that totally bites :(

The Green Family said...

Kelly, remember this doesn't define you...only a part of what makes you who you are..a STRONG woman!

I've lived through divorce and there is life after it..actually a GREAT life.

Thinking of you -

Amy said...

Love ya girl and hang in there!

Alexis AKA MOM said...

I'm crying right now because I feel like you're family. You're both amazing people and two different paths. You're so strong and such an amazing light! Many prayers with you. I just know the future is bright for you and the best is yet to come. You're going to be an amazing mom no doubt about it!

Much love always!

scrappysue said...

i'm so sorry to hear this kelly. i'm glad you have such wonderful family and friends surrounding you at this, your time of need. hugs

Mandy said...

So sorry about this. Thinking of you.....

Sarah said...

"Just take it one day at a time. This is just a season in your life."

Tiaras said...

I'm so sorry to hear this . . divorce is not fun at all! I've been there too - good luck with school!

Wehrle said...

Oh kel, I don't know what to say! Hang in there, I am so sorry you are hurting!

Shandal said...

Girl, I'm so sorry. This must've been a crazy emotional mess for you guys. You guys are so brave for facing the truth and taking action to live the life you want to live. That is HUGE. Telling everyone about it is huge too. It makes it all just that much more real. Big hugs to you girl. My heart aches just thinking about how you must feel. Hang in there, you know you're bloggy friends will come through for you! ;)

Aunt of 14 said...

Shoot, this was the last thing I expected to hear!!! I am so sorry Kelly. You know, when one chapter closes in a book, there is always a new one ahead.

Sara said...

BIG HUGS, from me! Keep hanging, girl! Keep trucking.

heathersister said...

So sorry Kelly. I was leaving you a birthday wish on FB and as I was leaving I saw your status was single. I was like "WTF". I had to log back in and look again. Then I came here. Same thing happened to me many years ago. I am on marriage number two with two wonderful kids. You are doing right. I always wanted kids and was fooled for six years. I wish you the best! You are a great person and will make a wonderful mother one day!
xoxo
Michelle

Suzi said...

Oh Pooba, my heart is breaking for you. Your story brought tears to my eyes.

The beauty of you is that you are a strong woman and don't forget very loved by many (including myself).

Good for you for going back to school. And as far as the cat lady...we all have a bit of cat lady in us.

;-)

yulz said...

Huggies from me

The Stucki's said...

Kelly I'm so sorry to hear about this. Really. I can't imagine your heartbreak. I think it's great to get back into school and move on just like your doing. Stay strong through all of this!

Adrian's Crazy Life said...

So sorry Kelly. I feel bad for you and I feel bad that I haven't kept in touch with you, especially since you told me this was happening a month ago. Seriously - what happened to you guys at CBC? I looked for you all weekend. And then I blinked and June was just gone!

But this does bite the big one and I'm so sorry that you had to lose your guy and your dog all in such a short time. That is rough. But I hope you and the kitties are lovin' your new digs and that you're having lots of girlfriend & family time to help you get through all this yucky stuff. Big hugs!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Awwwwwwwwwww! I'm sorry I missed this post, and sorry it took me so long to send you some ((HUGZ!!!!!)) You are a wonderful person and I'm so glad you have your family to help you get you through this really hard time. I'm here if you need me - one of these days I'll be there to give you real life hugs! :)

jennster said...

i can totally relate to this- yet not really, but in essence.
first of all, it's so sad when people seperate and it's not because they don't love eachother anymore or anything like that. but because of an uncompromisable reason. i am sad for you both, but also happy that you didn't lie to eachother and then that would result in bitterness and anger, etc. you are both doing what is right for each of you to live authentic lives- not compromising your wants or needs for someone else.
boyfriend and i just went through that about a month ago- our living arrangements have always been a huge wedge between us. we had the most honest conversations where we talked about divorcing if we couldn't make it work. that neither one of us wanted the other one to be happy, but i knew i couldn't be happy forever living up here in nor cal and i need to move for ME- my soul- etc. but i don't want him to move and hate where he's living. he came to teh conclusion that he wants to try to move though and then we'll see what happens. it was the saddest conversation ever, but it was also so positive because we were both on the exact same page.
how do i come here and make htis all about me?!?!! just trying to let you know that i can relate to your decision. ah man.. here for you. i know you'll be okay.. i know it's still super sad and whatnot- but you'll be a great mommy and you both deserve to share your lives with people who want what you do. love you xoxoox

Brian said...

You are a strong girl! That was a horribly hard decision, but I can tell you as a father of 2 young boys..the love you have for your children is unlike any love you have felt before, and you deserve it.
All the best!

Synergy Girl said...

Wow...don't I feel like a douche??!! I had NO IDEA what you were going through!!! I know it's been a while, and that you have probably come so far, but girl..you are KICK ASS...and I can't believe you could go through something like that knowing you love him, and not knowing how much you will love those babies that WILL eventually come your way. What a strong choice...!! You are amazing...and guess what...them babies are FRIGGIN' worth it!!

Staci said...

I am a horrible person, i had no clue. Now im catching up because im so far behind. I am so sorry you had to go through that.