Sunday, February 1, 2009

I'm Fo Sho Going To Hell. Who's With Me?

Holy Crap, this was the hardest post I've ever done. I've never posted videos before so I hope they work!


And back to the Costa Rica:


We decided we should probably take a break from taken it easy and go on the crocodile safari adventure, ya know, just to change things up a bit, which is where the swearing in front of innocent children occurred, and not just any one's children, Dan the Laptop Man's children! So we woke up early, put on our flip flops, grabbed the camera, and were off. (Yep, wearin nothin but flip flops baby)




Al and I are crocodile-safari-virgins so we had no idea what to expect. I thought we'd probably see a bunch of birds and maybe a small croc or two if we were lucky. Well, let me tell you, we were plenty lucky...I think. But first, I'll start with the weak sauce, the birds:




Now don't get me wrong, the birds were beautiful, they just weren't the exciting part of the safari. Our tour guide was actually pretty funny, he told us about a little lizard that they liked to call the Jesus Christ lizard. I wasn't able to get a picture of the fast little bugger but I did get a picture of our tour guide.




He was chuck full of jokes and he said the reason they call this lizard the Jesus Christ lizard is because 1) He walks on water (which he really does, it's crazy!) and 2) When people see him walk on water they shout "Jesus Christ!" Speaking of lizards...Costa Rica is full of Iguanas, they were everywhere, but this one was probably the prettiest one we saw(if you can call them pretty):




Woops, sorry, that's Dan the Laptop Man.

Phonebook to the Head!




If you're not from Utah you probably have no idea who Dan the Laptop Man is so I suggest you go here for a second to watch his crazy cheesy commercials where he acts like he is high on crack and professes his love to you, that's right you! I always wondered what this guy was like in person, was he as wacked out and weird as he is in his commercials, and if so, could he get me a good deal on crack? (I'm kidding mom!) I got my answer on our Crocodile tour:




Not so much. Or maybe he was just going through withdrawls. Anyway, besides the sleepy Dan the Laptop Man, we saw this iguana as well which had to be a female, no male could possibly make an ugly lizard look this pretty:




Ok,now comes the fun part, the crocodiles! We came across these lazy ass turds first:



Which was scary and exciting in itself but then our boat driver dude parked the boat and decided he would feed the crocodiles! Everything started making sense to me at this point, the boat driver dude must have stolen poor Dan's crack! So here is a very short video clip of that feeding and pay no attention to the strange bright blue creature in the sunglasses:

video

We thought that was pretty friggin crazy, that is until we came across this mother effer!





The boat driver dude parked our boat right next to this thing! Now this little video clip is where my potty mouth got me in trouble. I said the "G" word, which in Utah is the worst swear word ever, and then I said the "S" word. Now I come from a family that doesn't swear, unless we're playing an intense game of Nertz in which case any form of potty mouth restraint gets thrown out the window, so I'm sorry to dissapoint everybody but could you blame me after watching this clip?


video

Instead of throwing a child overboard to distract the croc, the boat driver dude was smacking the dirt so that the mother effer would walk toward the sound allowing boat driver dude back on the boat. It took Forever! Throwing a child over board would have been much quicker, but what can ya do? So after I apologized to the children and their mother, we were able to finish the tour without anyone getting eaten or beaten.





However I don't think Dan the Laptop man truly forgave me. On the trip home I was sitting alone after my dear hubster abondoned me for an exit row seat. (He's a BIG dude, I forgave him) Dan came over and saw he was assigned to sit next to me and with a look of utter disgust on his face, he started to barter his seat to anyone who would trade places with him.

I checked my pits and they smelt like rose petals so I knew it couldn't have been my stench that drove him away, but he ended up taking a seat on the other side of the plane anyway. I was so dissapointed,

I was looking forward to snorting my smarties with him.

Oh well.

24 comments:

John and Rachael Alexander said...

wow those crocs are crazy! looked like you had a great exotic trip!

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

I'll have to check the video's later, but the pictures, and your retelling are cracking me UP!

Jennifer Lee said...

You are so funny, Kel! And no worries, I unintentionally offend people everywhere I go! It just happens sometimes.

Barely Domestic Mama said...

Cursing in front of the children...I still slip up. :)

That last crocodile was HUGE!

Jon and Steph said...

Costa Rica is my second home! I LOVE it there. We go to CR every year as a family, for our annual vacation. I went to school there. It looks like you had a wonderful time! I have to say I am a little jealous, I'm longing for the beach right now ;)

Kristina P. said...

My husband totally had to call Dan the Laptop Man this morning, because our Totally Stupid Computer is being slow, and they took over their warranty. Delightful.

Tremayne and Dellany Higby said...

Dan the lap top man can kiss your sexy little ASS. Let's be honest here, what is more detrimental to his children, hearing the S word or seeing those horrendous commercials their father is in!!! Yeah, nice try DAN. I love the first video, everyone is like "oh wow he is so brave" um no people, that's stupid. I would have been like "get back in here you A hole, what do you think that is a stray kitten?????" And probably a few F bombs to make my point more clear.
I also appreciate the, "mmm he likes chicken," yeah you know what else that monster likes, your face!
Wow sorry, swearing and crocs make me excite much! (oh and of course some really great crack.)

LadyStyx said...

Did that once...let the "S" bomb drop...right in the middle of a couple families worth of kids. Had good reason....ya see, we were in an aviary where the birdies all fly around loose...and well a birdie did what birdies do best....right on my brand new camera. I, of course, immediately began to apologize profusely for using the vulgar slang word (although if I'd yelled "Excrement !", I tend to doubt that it would have truely expressed the disgust of having a bird take a dump on me). Anyhow, I heard an adult behind me say..."Well that IS what it is..."

Yaya said...

At work so I can't watch the videos, but thanks for sharing those great pics!

blueviolet said...

That little recap of your adventure was hilarious! I completely cracked up when you swore. It even distracted me a bit from my fear of the croc.

Courtney said...

I'm pretty sure I would have said more than the "S" word. I commend you on not lettin' the MF slip!

Wehrle said...

Oh kel you are funny! I would not worry about the swearing, I am sure they have heard worse! maybe if you dropped a few "f" bombs... you should feel a little bad, otherwise, you were in public! That is just what happens.

And I must be out of Utah too long, I don't know this Dan guy but I do remember that little blonde dude that sold computers too and he was always crazy... Oh I just remembered, Totally awsome computers! Do they still have those commercials? UGH!!

Julia said...

Oh my!! Your mouth is so foul I think I am going to have to take you off my "Simply Good Blogs" list. Now when you're dropping the F-bomb I wont be surprised...

Its Me(SARA) Behind the Camera said...

WOW!!! Your pictures look good, and your recaps is funny! :)

Looks like you had fun though! :)

Suzi said...

Nice recap. Didn't have time to watch the video, will have to do that later. Nice pictures.

EmmaP said...

that is too funny.

nikkicrumpet said...

Ya know.....tempting those crocs like that doesn't seem like a real smart idea...I'm just sayin....
And now you have to go to your room for a timeout for being such a potty mouth lol

CLUFF FAMILY said...

Well- I have just been wondering why I wasn't invited to the party? Next time, count me in! Looks like so much fun. We are all envious.

Staci said...

seriously?? it walks on water?? Now that is just freaky!!!

heathersister said...

Really,I don't understand? Are you sure they were mad at you? Sounded to me like they laughed and applauded you.

If I would have been there I would have been yelling, "Drop the chicken, drop the chicken." Hell, I was yelling that here just watching the dumb ass. What the hell? Did they ever tell you how many drivers they have lost?

Oh, and did you give the tour guide a tip in his little tip bucket for the funny jokes about the lizard? That comment about the Jesus Christ lizard deserved one.

Michelle said...

Oh wow. I laughed my ASS off reading this post! I love your description of the crocodile safari - it's pretty much the same reactions I would have had. I'm going to be in hell right along with you!!

3 Bay B Chicks said...

Grand Pooba, I like you. I have seen your comments aroung the blogosphere repeatedly, but only arrived on your site today. Much to my very pleasant surprise, you are as funny a blogger as you are commenter. Plus, anyone who has enough skills to come up with the name Grand Pooba is worth not only checking out, but following. Look, there we are in your sidebar.

Plus, I think it is good that we get to know each other now, so that when we end up in hell together, we'll have so much more to talk about. Like a reunion of long lost friends, but in a really hot place. :)

-Francesca

Donnetta said...

As I am going to be the conductor on the express train to hell (in spite of all my efforts otherwise!), I'm right there with ya! We went to Costa Rica on our honeymoon and there are crocs everywhere there's a little water!

Love the blog, and I'm following too! Hope to see you following mine as well!

i'm black betty said...

me no likey da crocs...sceery...

so glad you guys had some down time. LOVE the pics. you look GREAT!!! :D