Monday, October 19, 2009

The Art of Crotch Watching

Albert and I enjoyed dinner and a movie with our friends Kevin & Andrea over the weekend. After eating delicious sushi, we had about an hour to kill before the movie started so the boys reverted back to their 10 year old selves and played video games while Annie and I participated in some high-quality people watching.


There's nothing more entertaining then people watching, well except for that time Lance made fun of Lindee because she thought Pilgrims and Pioneers were one and the same and that Thanksgiving originated in Utah. That was pretty entertaining, but people watching is a close second.


So we sat on a bench studying the passers by and attempted to guess what kind of people they were and the types of relationships they had with those accompanying them. It didn't take long before our observations reverted to what people were wearing. Annie taught me a lot about fashion, specifically the art of wearing boots over your jeans.


I learned that this is bad:



Now the sweater, belt, and horrific sexy face aside, do you see the jeans bunching up over the top of the boots? That is bad, especially with those hooker boots.


I also learned that this is good:



Boots over skinny jeans is very respectable, especially cute slouchy boots with buckles as shown here.


Now back to our public surveillance, our attention turned to one girl in particular who, as I was taught, was a horrible example of the boot to jean fashion. Annie began to describe why her jeans were not the right jeans and why her boots were not the right boots but I wasn't listening, I was too preoccupied looking at her crotch.


I had never before seen such a large crotch in my life!


I began to feel jealous of this girl, bad boots or not, so I pointed out her crotch to Annie who in turn was a little bewildered by my comment. She looked at the girl and looked back at me until she finally asked me how I could tell she had a big crotch.


Well, let me try to explain. Someone is considered to have a big crotch when they have a lot of space between their legs so you can distinctively see a separation between the first thigh, the crotch, and the second thigh.


It's hard to describe without using my hand gestures that I used to explain this to Andrea but I'll try. You know those skinny bitches whose thighs don't touch? They have big crotches!


Let me just show you.


Big crotches:






Small crotches:





And the crotch size does not necessarily depend on how skinny the thighs are. Some people can have the extremely thin thighs but their legs are built so close together that a space between them is just not viable.


Or you could be built like me with mammoth thighs and colossal saddle bags that, if placed directly in front of the sun, could black out the entire Western hemisphere. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying small crotches a necessarily a bad thing, I just happen to be a small crotched person who would prefer a larger crotch.


Because we all want what we can't have right?

51 comments:

Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

I guess it is true.....you learn something new everyday. Because I never thought about the whole big vs. small crotch thing. But I am sure that going forward in life I will always, always think of this.

Im not sure if that makes me happy or sad. LOL

Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

BTW...I fit into a whole different category. The "oh no I gained so my weight I lost my crotch" category.

Kristina P. said...

Awesome. I have a miniscule crotch.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

I will never look at crotches the same way again..... um.... this is awkward....lol

blueviolet said...

I have GOT to find out what size crotch I have! If I send you a picture will you tell me? LOL

Alivia Stutzman said...

Ok I just need to say something here. The big crotched girls in the pictures you posted are gross and need some nourishment. I'm happy with my small crotch and the corn dog I will be eating for lunch!

Janelle said...

it's always funny how something as simple as waiting for a movie turns into crotch watching hour! LOL! Thanks for today's lesson!

Sara said...

Is there a category of crotches for women who have had children? Cause that does a number on them. :S Honest to Goodness I've never categorized crotches. Now I need sexy boots.

Rebecca Jo said...

Oh... I guess I should be embarassed... I had my jeans tucked into my ugg boots this weekend... hanging head in shame...

I LOVE when thighs dont touch!!! That's a sign of a skinny *itch!!! Which I wanna be! I will stand in front of the mirror & grand the back of my legs & pull the fat back & tell my husband - THIS is how I want my thighs to look!!!! He just shakes his head!

foxy said...

Man, this had me ROLLING. Ha...

Cairo Typ0 said...

hahahah I've never heard it described that way! Perfect! Love it!

There's no shame in thighs touching. Mine are codependant and get sad when they're apart. :p

otin said...

I myself, like a woman with a small crotch!!!! lmao!

Heather said...

HAHA - nice. I love to people watch - airports are another fantastic spot for that.

Now that I've looked through those pictures, I want a big crotch too!

Hernandez Family said...

Gee, and all this time I thought guys wanted a girl with a "small" crotch.

WhisperingWriter said...

Oh my gosh this gave me the giggles.

Now I'm wondering what kind of crotch I have. I'm peering down and now my husband is looking at me funny so I better go explain...

Stephanie Faris said...

I guess the thighs would squeeze out some crotch space. Back in school they theorized that was how you could tell if someone was a virgin or not. Virgins had thighs that touched...non-virgins didn't. That seemed absurd to me!

Hit 40 said...

I have never noticed this before?? I will be checking this out next time I people look...

I thought you meant big crotch like something else was maybe down there??

Shandal said...

When I stand with my feet together there's no space between my thighs, but if I stand with my feet shoulder length apart then I have a space... So is that a medium size crotch?

Ms. Wanda said...

Interesting:) LOL! For the record my thighs have always been together so I guess I'm small. I was told once that men like small crotches. Hmmmm,
I don't know I'm just sayin'

Debbi said...

my man likes my small crotch. :)

I'd like a bigger one. I remember Oprah had a show about 'air in there'. I remember it all the time. I have a small (ABNORMALLY SMALL, I'd say) crotch. Some bitches have all the luck! ;)

Cindi said...

LMAO--

"like me with mammoth thighs and colossal saddle bags that, if placed directly in front of the sun, could black out the entire Western hemisphere."....

Three cheers for a$$-ee-clipses!!

Lee said...

I guess I have a big crotch. With panties at least.
In jeans my legs do have a LITTLE gap.
But enough burgers and that's gonna change mighty quick.

Alexis AKA MOM said...

Girl you always crack me up. I always learn something new.

Blocking out the sun that is great, avoid your eyes ... LOL

Mayhem and Moxie said...

I always knew that you were a woman of many, many talents, Poob. However, this post takes things to an entirely new level. You are my first friend to be a crotch expert.

I am humbled.

-Francesca

PS: I went back and read the two posts that I missed last week. Your post on your neighborhood and flowers reconfirmed that you and Al are overdue to move. :)

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

AHAHAHAHA! I love it! I've never been a crotch-watcher before when I people watch...but now? I'm so going to be checking out the big vs. small crotch. I may need some serious professional help.

;)

Aunt of 14 said...

OMG!!! LOL

Now why would you want a large crotch? To me, that speaks of anorexia, of slutdom, of being extremely loose in that region that men do not find it appetizing. That is just me though. I would much prefer to have a small crotch, because it is more mysterious... I got to stop talking.

Justine said...

See now, your phrasing of this... the small crotch and the large crotch... well, it just isn't right. Because even after realizing exactly what you meant, I'm still picturing a little, tight twat and then a gaping hole of a twat. Oy, you need help woman!

Justine :o )

Nana said...

Ummm. I don't know if I want to weigh in on this one. I will just say I agree w/ Justine. Except I hate the word Twat. Yet I can't think of a word that I would like to substitute for it.

I have never sat down to observe crotches, maybe I should. No I think I will just keep trying to find women w/ bigger butts than mine. There are very few.

Mrs. Cullen said...

LOL
1. I want sushi!
2. I agree about the hooker boots and jeans. I tried that once with skinny jeans and hooker boots, only my hooker boots aren't that long. Anyway, I got a lot of compliments, but I hate it. Never again. Hooker boots need to go under your jeans.

Aleta said...

I have to admit that I was very curious as to this blog post when I read the title. I have never called it ehhhh a crotch size. This was hilarious. Thank you for the education!!!

TMI Tara said...

LOL. I have nothing to add, just wanted to let you know you made me laugh!

survivinglifedaily said...

You are correct, I have to admit to watching the space there as well! I also want a larger crotch, so to speak! lol

christy said...

kel, you are hillarious! i miss you!!!

Orr's said...

OMG did someone really say their crotch was going o eat a corndog for lunch? LOL I def have an iddy bitty croth, damn!

Frogs in my formula said...

LOL. Learn something new every day. This had me giggling the whole way through!

Synergy Girl said...

Oh hell no!! We ALL want the "separation"...!! When I was in High School, my description of a fat girl was anyone who's legs rubbed against each other at the crotch...I am NOW the fat girl. After birthing four kids, I no longer have that SLAMMIN ass body...DANG!!!!! I LOVE that you were people watching. The whole date sounded like last weekend out with the friends...HAHAHA!!! Our people watching usually ends in the questions...what are people watching about us....??

Chief said...

you have no idea what hoops I jumped through to get on your site! I am on the family computer and it has a very good filter. Obviously you violate many of NetNanny protocols. Just thought you should know. ~wink~

Adrian's Crazy Life said...

Another entertaining post. I've noticed these, but never out loud. It's just a weird, random subject. Speaking of weird and random, I saw a guy at Smiths the other day who had the small crotch. He was totally walkin' around on two tree trunks. It was so weird - usually men carry all their weight in their stomachs, not in their thighs.

Megan said...

Oh wow. LMAO!!! You're crazy! LOL I am NOT a big crotch person. My thighs are too damn big! :0P

Constructive Attitude said...

I used to ALWAYS people watch with my sisters.

Jeve (aka John and Steve) said...

Wow. I never thought about female crotches so much in my life. Excuse me while I question my sexuality...wait hold...yeah...nope still gay.

CLUFF FAMILY said...

Kelly Kelly Kelly You are too funny. Thanks for proving my point that you have issues. lol I have never nor will I ever hear that term again!I never would have thought of it as a crotch.

Stesha said...

Pooba, you have just turned me into a pervert!

I'll be crotch watching all day.

Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha

The Green Family said...

OMG!! This is this is the funniest thing I've read! I secretly read your blog...we went to school together, I'm sure you don't remember me Ü BTW - I'm a animanl lover also. And I want you to know that like you've done for many others with this post..I'll never look at another crotch the same. (Not saying I've looked before or anything ;)

Yaya said...

Oh my gosh. Big crotch...hahaha!


I like to people watch and make up theme songs for people or try to guess what their career is.

jennster said...

dude, those girls thighs that don't touch are fucking DISGUSTING!! they can't even be called legs. they should be called something else. ... something else BAD

AmyK said...

I gotta say, skinny jeans kind of make the crotch look bigger. It's weird but it works for some people. Meh...

Ryan Ashley Scott said...

I think I'd prefer skinny thighs to a large crotch... but I have neither.

colleenroselle said...

bahahaha I LOVE THIS

Anonymous said...

My friend and I were recently discussing about technology, and how integrated it has become to our daily lives. Reading this post makes me think back to that debate we had, and just how inseparable from electronics we have all become.


I don't mean this in a bad way, of course! Societal concerns aside... I just hope that as the price of memory falls, the possibility of downloading our brains onto a digital medium becomes a true reality. It's a fantasy that I daydream about almost every day.


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