Wednesday, August 18, 2010

If It Has Balls, It Must Be A Boy

Thursday night I wake up at 3 in the morning, I guess that makes it Friday morning doesn't it? Anyway so 3 in the morning I wake up to feeling like my insides were havin a fricken bowling party or something. In other words, my tummy hurt. So I got up and took some good old Pepto Bismol because that fixes everything right?


Apparently not.


So after arguing with myself for an hour of whether to go to the ER or not, the pain in my stomach finally won and I got my pathetic ass out of bed and drove to the ER. I was expecting kidney stones, but no, the doc came back after the test results were in and told me he wanted to take out my gallbladder.


Sweet.


Sure, why not? That's exactly what I wanted to do on Friday the 13th. You know, wake up, go to brunch, get my gallbladder taken out, maybe catch a matinee. It's the perfect start to the perfect weekend.


So I decide it's time to call the parents, who of course yell at me for not calling them earlier and blah, blah, blah. Come on, if it was just indigestion would you appreciate being woken up at 4 am to travel 20 minutes to the ER?


No, I didn't think so.







So pretty soon the whole fam shows up and I'm lovin it. Not the pain or the situation, just that my family makes the best out of any situation. Lin shows up with this card, balloon, and a large B&B Chai (Which I can't drink until after the surgery but still). The balloon says:


"We'll miss you"







The card wasn't actually for me, it was addressed to "Golly". She's so cute huh? And Logan drew me some sweet pictures of me and my cats, don't they look just like me?









Then Alyse shows up with some candy, a card and a balloon that says:


"It's a Girl!"











Apparently baby golly was a girl. Actually we're still not quite sure if it was a girl or a boy. Golly had a bunch of marble sized stones in it which my dad decided to refer to as balls, so according to him, if golly had balls it was definitely a boy.


Makes perfect sense to me!





And Gary shows up with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers! He's such a sweetheart. And my work also sent flowers, not because I had surgery, but because they felt so bad that I have to live with such a crazy little sister who draws penises on peoples faces.


Bout time they sent flowers for that.





So I was high on morphine this whole time so I was a little loopy.


Okay, a lot loopy.


And of course Chad shows up and decides to take it upon himself to push my morphine button for me.


"You'll thank me later" He says. Awwwww, big bro always lookin out for his lil sis.





So they made me stay over night at the hospital after the surgery and did you know that morphine apparently makes you forget how to pee? Yeah, I forgot how to pee. All this IV fluid going in and nothing was going out. I was going to pop like a water balloon. So this may be TMI but they had to give me a catheter to avoid such an explosion.


Little did I know they will not let you leave the hospital until you can pee, or "vacate" as they call it. So they say I'm good to go at 11 am but I can't effin pee!


I drink and drink and drink and have to pee so bad but when I try? Nothin. NOTHING. Why can't I pee? What the hell is wrong with me? I felt like a two year old, turning the water on in the sink and everything. My mom and dad anxiously waiting outside the door to see if I left a surprise in the toilet.


So long story short, they change my meds, go through another catheter until finally at 6:00 pm I peed all by my big girl self!!


I was so excited I walked out to where the nurses were stationed and yelled:


"I peed! I peed all by myself!"


After a few shocked stares from the nurses and other patients, my nurse comes running over. She was as excited as I was.


And of course I had to send out a text to everyone announcing that I finally peed and could leave the hospital.


I'm surprised Lindee didn't announce it on Facebook, she does everything else.


It was such a joyous occasion.












So now I am gallbladderless. What does a gallbladder do anyway? Girl or boy, I won't miss it.


Golly was such a pain in the ass.

48 comments:

foxy said...

Hahahaha... I absolutely LOVE the balloons and cards they got you. Those are AWESOME. If that doesn't make you laugh, then there's something wrong with you. :)

Good riddance, Golly!

Jen said...

I am glad that everything turned out alright.

And your gallbladder helps you digest fat so be careful what you eat. But maybe you already knew that.

Megan said...

Ohmygosh! I'm LMAO with tears streaming down my face about screaming out the door that you frickin peed! Thanks, I needed that laugh today!

I love your family! You're all nutcakes that are just too much fun!

Glad all is better in your insides now that Golly has departed. ;0)

Rebecca Jo said...

First - your family is hilarious with those balloons!!!! I bet the nurses coming in got a tad confused on what you were in for with those balloons hanging over your head!!!

I got sad at the idea of you driving yourself to the hospital.... call me - I'll drive from Indiana to come get you & get you quickly to the ER!!!!

Hope you are healing up... I had my gallbladder removed when I was 23... dont even miss it... & I didnt get fun flowers & balloons! I want a re-do!!!

Brian Miller said...

whew...glad everything came out ok...gallbladder and pee...and what a way to spend friday the 13th...lol.

Stacie's Madness said...

wow...what a great family. ;)

AmyLK said...

Buh bye Golly! Your family is awesome! Glad you accomplished the big girl pee-ing! Feel better soon.

Meathead said...

8 yrs ago I had mine removed. I remember the pain. (before I found out it was my gallbladder) It was so bad I was delirious and I was 100% certain that my landlords had broken into my house and poisoned me :P

I sure as hell didn't have a party like you did. I'm slightly jealous! :)

Heal quickly!!

Synergy Girl said...

That is too funny...!! I had that same problem after one of my surgeries...you feel like a freakin retard...the easiest thing in the world to do, and yet, you cant make your body comply...!! So, I felt your sincere excitement!!!! Well, glad that Golly is gone...by golly...yep, just said that...hope you are doing great!!!

Closer to Lucy said...

OMGoodness, hope you're feeling better!

Love the cards!! Did you get a potty prize too?

Closer to Lucy said...

OMGoodness, hope you're feeling better!

Love the cards!! Did you get a potty prize too?

Closer to Lucy said...

OMGoodness, hope you're feeling better!

Love the cards!! Did you get a potty prize too?

Together We Save said...

Oh you are feeling better now!

singedwingangel said...

Umm Note to you no greasy food or dairy products for about 4 weeks trust me.. That is what your gall bladder is for and now your body has to figure out how to process those without it.. I am glad you are alright though.. I had mine out when my son was 3 months old

Kasey Hunt said...

I hope you are recovering well. Look at all those beautiful flowers. The balloons are great. Love the humor.

blueviolet said...

You really are a big girl now!

Sorry you had to go through all that though!

PS.You need to update your profile pic. ;0

Heather@WHMB said...

Hi!!!! It's been forever since I've been in blog land but as always you are still cracking me up. And your family - awesomeness.

Kristina P. said...

Oh, holy crap! I hope you feel OK. I've often wondered if I needed my gallbladder out, but ny gastroenterologist didn't even check.

Dari said...

Dang girl, I am glad you are doing ok. As a woman who has had a c section I can relate to the joy that the release of bodily waste and fluids can bring! HA I love your balloons too!

Call Me Cate said...

You need to have less excitement in your life. But I hope you know you have the best family in the world. With all those sisters running around, maybe you won't notice if I sneak in and declare myself adopted.

Hope you're feeling better now!

KK said...

I love your family :) Glad you are on the mend and congrats on peeing! I announced it to the nurses station after my surgery too. I knew they wouldn't let me go home until I did!

St. Jeor Family said...

I'm glad that you were ok. You are crazy though for driving yourself to the hospital! My husband just had his out and when he was having an attack and I had to take him to the ER there was no way that he could have drivin himself!

TMI Tara said...

So sorry girl! Glad your fam was there and you finally peed like the big girl you are!

piecemeal people said...

I was relieved to find out that your sister's "We Will Miss You" balloon was intended for Golly, and not a sick joke about you not surviving your surgery. Which is what I thought at first.

(I'm going to tell you a little secret: both times I was in labor, I absolutely LOVED have a catheter. After having to pee every 15 minutes for 40 weeks, it was a nice change of pace.)

Mama Mel said...

Glad you are okay. Your family is so funny! My mom had her gallbladder out when she was my age (30s).

I'm gonna get technical because I loved anatomy and physiology! ;) Your gallbladder stores bile, which helps digest fatty foods and meats. Your body will still be able to produce bile to help you digest fats, but you won't have any on reserve, so be careful what you eat. :)

scrappysue said...

it's such a weird sensation - trying to pee after a catheter - i remember it well! so glad golly is gone and that you're ok! and that your family had such a fun time at the hospital at your expense!

Mandy said...

Sheesh! Glad you are Ok. I love how you always put such a positive spin on everything. Hope you feel better soon!

Bee and Rose said...

Glad to hear that all is well now! You are amazing! Your family is fantastic! I love the all of your hospital goodies!

Wishing you a very speedy recovery!!

(your post title rocks!)

Sara said...

Glad all is well! My work blocked the pictures. WTHeck?!

Princess Andy said...

you totally live in awesome-ville.

here, we have to wait a couple of months for that surgery...i had to eat less than 8 grams of fat per meal to avoid another "attack". this is why i managed to lose 20lbs prior to my "removal of killer gallbladder".

also, this pain is absolutely worse than labour...so you're ahead of the game now, lovey!

get well soon! plus, your family is so fabulous. i want them.

<3

CLUFF FAMILY said...

Glad you finally peed. Hope you are feeling better. Love ya!

heathersister said...

Seriously, the weirdest, worstest shit happens to you. You are like a weird shit magnet.

I also take it you like pez?!

Hope you feel better soon.

Justine said...

Well. I'm glad I popped in for this post, because OMG, your family is demented and I LOVE IT!!!! I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain, but damn, it made for entertaining reading.

Btw... you cut your fucking hair off and it looks FABULOUS!

Btw... Loved the picture of Lin's boobie.

Justine :o )

Pricilla said...

I am sorry I missed this post.
I am glad you are feeling better and are peeless.

Mindy, Tyler, and Kids said...

Hospitals are just terrible. They make lay in a terrible bed, wear a terrible gown, it smells terrible, they hurt you by taking something out, and you have no privacy!! Thank goodness for drugs right?! I hope you recover quickly!

Heath'e' said...

Holy Hell Kel, you have too many blogging friends! I mean that in a totally jealous way :) I'm so sad I'm not there I want to visit you in the hospital and laugh while you try to go potty ;0) hahahaha.
Surgery SUCKS. Glad you're ok though. Love you Kapowski, be good girl K, K. No seriously I'm glad your ok. btw, shouldn't i be under the blood list? I'm just saying

Chief said...

LMAO! Your crew kills me.

I had my Gally removed too. It is VEERRRYYY painful to have a sick GALLY

I remember I checked myself out of the hospital the same day and came home and vacuumed...

not a good choice.

Im glad you are feeling better though!

Jason, as himself said...

For a minute, after just glancing down the post, I thought for sure you had had a baby girl with balls.

Isn't there a special name for that? :)

Adrian's Crazy Life said...

Your family is so funny! Even though you've had kind of a sucky year, just imagine what it would have been like without your hilarious family by your side!

Queenie Jeannie said...

We have just a crazy, awesome family don't we??? Remember? I decided to let you guys adopt me. I'm selfless like that.

Anywaysers, I'm glad Gally is gone and you're still here. Get better and way to go on peeing like a Big Girl. The Bella is SOOO proud of you!!

Chitown Meg said...

Glad you're ok!! Do you have to take any meds or watch anything you eat now?

dani said...

Kelly! Only you could turn that into such a funny story! Glad ol Golly is gone. Get better girl!

LadyStyx said...

omigoodness!!LOL! I had mine out in 2006. I'd been suffering for years with what I thought was a lactose allergy but it turned out to be the gall bladder poppin out a stone occasionally and it (the stone) getting stuck outside the pancreas so I was having these attacks rather frequently. I ended up in the hospital for a WEEK over Thanksgiving (mind you, it was my first Turkey Day with the new hubby so I was kinda pissed). As for waiting til ya pee?? Oh no. The hospital I was at wanted the other line of production working before they let you leave.

Scraps said...

It holds extra bile to help you digest large meals and extra-fatty stuff which is more important than you know, some days!

I had mine out but it was slightly more planned (and not on a Friday the 13th, lol). Not that that stopped it from almost being a disaster with the 300 stones taking up so much space that they didn't *want* to come out THEN proceeded to spill all over the operating room floor.

I'm amazed you couldn't pee. By the end of my overnight I was adept and unhooking myself from the wall and those blasted leg compressor things and wheeling myself and the IV into the little girls room every 3 hours as those ringers went straight through. You poor thing!

Alexis AKA MOM said...

HOLY crap, I should have read further down before I asked surgery. Duh like you wouldn't tell us!

Oh hun what a heck of thing to wake up to. Friday 13th is no joke girl! I love your family they can make every situation a fun party! I so agree w/ your dad balls is a boy .. :).

Those drugs are nasty on your bladder. After having Cole I had the same thing happen to me. You're so excited to be able to pee on your own you just want to do a little jig :)

Orr's said...

Ha ha omg that made me laugh. And dads right, it probably was lances son since it had 3 balls.

Karin Katherine said...

Yay! You are all better! So glad you had your FAB Family there to take care of you, spoil you,and of course make fun of you!

Still so jealous. Your family make me want to have gallbladder surgery

Eve said...

Hahahahahahahahahahahah...
I'm SO HAPPY for you that you could finally pee!
OMG - you are too funny, but I'm glad surgery was a success and that Troublesome Golly is gone! ;)