Don't You Hate It When...

You think it's Friday only to realize it's only Thursday?



You have to pee so bad but the restroom is closed for cleaning?



Your plane crashes and your stuck on an island with a bunch of people only to realize that you're all dead?



People sit right next to you on a bus when there are plenty of other open seats?



You can't get that fillet fish song out of your head?



You wake up all sweaty? It's like "What the hell was I doing in my sleep?"



When you go to shake the bottle of salsa and then realize the lid wasn't screwed on?



When the inside of your ear itches and you just want to jam a pencil in your head?



When you call Lady Gaga and she's kinda busy?



When a song on your ipod plays a lot louder than all the other songs and it scares you half to death?



Your shoe squeaks and everyone thinks you farted?



When you sleep with your boss and don't get promoted?



You pour a bowl of cereal then realize there's no milk left?



People "drunk IM" you on facebook?



Restaurants only have Pepsi products?



You sneeze right after you put on mascara?



You're riding the elevator when someone farts and gets off, then the next person who gets in thinks it was you who farted?



People just assume that you play basketball because you are like 10 feet tall?



When your milkshake brings all the boys to your yard?



You get stuck behind a slow walker?



You forget your neighbors name but it's way too late to ask?



Radio stations play Sex and Candy?



You're about to say something important but then Kanye West butts in?



You pee on your tampon string?



Your DVR cuts off So You Think You Can Dance 10 minutes too soon?



When people complain about what they hate?

P.S. I'm Divorced

Yeah, I'm officially single and have been for over 2 months.


Apparently the court dudes don't call you or mail you a letter to let you know when your divorce is final. They just expect you to check in with them.


WTF?

And The Sexy Losers Are....

Thanks to all you sexies for entering the giveaway from Eden Fantasys, I loved hearing all about your kinky sex positions.


*ahem*


And a big thanks to Del for subtly mentioning weener and vajayay.


Weener.


Vajayay. (Mom's favorite word, she loves it.)


Ok now on to the losers.....YOU are a loser unless your name is Tiffany and your blog is called Mommy In Real Life.


(That's my way of saying Tiffany won the $25 gift card, when I say YOU are a loser I am only referring to the giveaway, I am not in any way referring to your social status. Unless you are 10 feet tall and your name is Lindee, then I am.)


SaWeet! So Tiff, just send me your mailing address and I will HOOK. YOU. UP.


The winner was selected using True Random Number Generator on Random.org, I have no idea how to paste it into this post so you're going to have to take my word for it.


Word.

Gettin My Photag On

Last week I was lucky enough to take part in a photography session with the famous Stephanie Reed from Auburn Soul Photography. She was shooting my lil sis and her cute family. I hung out in the back ground and played photographer while the professional did her thang.


It was pretty awesome.


My pictures are definitely ameteur but here's a few shots I got:





Logan was facinated with the rocks so Steph decided to incorporate his obsession into the photography session. Smart girl.




You think he's trying to say he's 3 years old don't you? Actually he was asking for 3 more beers.




This was his reaction when we only gave him two.



Logan was full of goofy faces, I'm surprised I got any serious ones at all. This is also a great shot of Steph's elbow don't ya think?









This picture makes me laugh. Steph told Logan to show her how high he could jump. I don't think this was the look she was going for:




Lovies!





This last pic is courtesy of Logan. I could learn a lot from him.




P.S. Logan is almost 4! He invited me to his birthday party but told his mom she couldn't come.






Love it.


P.S.S. One more day to enter my sexy giveaway!

Sexy time!

No really, I'm serious, it's about to get really sexy on this blog so brace yourselves. If you can make it through to the end, you may be rewarded for your effort!


But if your name is MOM or DAD, stop reading. Right now. (Actually maybe MOM can read since she's gettin hitched soon...)


Back to the sexiness. All women need to feel sexy. Yes, every single one of you! And dudes too, I guess, I mean I'm sure they need to feel sexy but for some reason I think they'd rather have a sexy lady than to actually be sexy themselves. I don't know about you but this type of "sexiness" does not turn me on...





Well maybe except for the bottom right, that blonde hair/brown beard has got to drive the women wild! Okay now that you all have that image stuck in your heads...let's move on.


I'm talkin about Eden Fantasys people. The hottest online company out there (and by hottest I mean sexiest), they have something for everyone. (Even MOM. Ew. I did NOT just say that.)





They have lingerie, sex toys (NOT for you MOM), sensual lotions, yummy smelling candles and anything else that you need to set the mood. If you check out their website you'll see what I'm talkin bout, the selection is HUGE! (I could SO put a pun in there but since this is a family blog, I'll reframe myself. You don't know how HARD that was for me. Hee hee okay I'll stop now.)


So what I'm trying to tell you is that I love Eden Fantasys, and I'm not just saying that to get free stuff. (Although I did get to try out a product and no, I am not going to tell you which one it was!) And as you know, I am just constantly thinking of others so I wanted to let one of you lucky hotties check out Eden Fantasys for yourself so I've got a $25 gift card for you!


Yeah, the queen of entering giveaways is actually doing one of her own. Well, one that doesn't involve me getting rid of junk around my house. (Totally kidding, those of you who have won one of my giveaways knows it's only the highest quality products. From Dollar Tree.)


So let's get this party started! Since this is a sponsered giveaway there is one rule that you have to do in order to enter:


Tell me what your favorite sex position is.


Hahaha! Totally kidding. Just leave me a comment to let me know you want to enter. (Please don't tell me your favorite sex position. Well, unless you really want to but it's not gonna win you extra points, just so ya know. And for the love of God MOM, PLEASE don't answer!)


You can enter as many times as you want but if you want God to smile down on you, you can follow Eden Fantasys on twitter and become a fan of their facebook page.


So are you completely confused? Let me spell it out for you:


Rules:
1. To enter, leave a comment.
2. You can enter as many times as you like.
3. For extra blessing in your life you can check out Eden Fantasys on twitter or facebook.
4. Contest ends on July 27th.


And if you really want to decrease your chances of winning, go ahead and blog about it too!


You ready? 5 - 6 - 7 - 8!


(That's your queue to start commenting. Sorry it's a drill team thing.)

It's Gettin Hot In Here...

So take off all your clothes...





This is just a little warning to let you know it's gonna get a little sexy 'round these here parts.


So stay tuned!

Doggy Style

Fashion Forward . . . . And Back

Just realized that my shirt, shoes AND my underwear all match.  That's right,


I. Am. Awesome.


If you're looking for any fashion tips or just wondering "How does she do it?"  just let me know, I'll share all my secrets with you.  Here are just a few:

• Stay out until 2 AM the night before
• Wake up 15 minutes before work
• Run into the bed post 2 1/2 times
• Trip over the cat on your way out of the shower
• Get dressed in the dark

If you follow these simple steps then maybe, just maybe, you can be as fashionable as me.


Maybe.

BINGO!

I babysat Logan over the weekend which of course is always an adventure. I was especially excited to tend him because I had a special surprise:

It's my fellow tall amazon woman's first children's book.

Bingo's Big Adventure

By Julia King

I had no doubt that he was going to love it. The kid loves kitties as evidenced by his own epiphany:


"I love kitties my whole life!"

So dang cute.


So we read the book together Saturday night.  (Never mind, Julia, that it was at 11:00 at night.  I also fed him ice cream while we later watched Silence of the Lambs.   What?  He loves sheep.)


As soon as we finished the book, and as I went to the computer to email Julia to tell her how much I loved it, Logan said,


"Let's read the kitty book again!"


So we did.  About 5 more times.


The book is about a cat named Bingo who goes outside his owner's house for the first time and tells of all the adventures he has.  From run-ins with roosters, chickens & other cats, Bingo explores his beautiful new home.

If you've ever read Julia's blog, you know she has a way with words that is naturally poetic. This book is no different. The photography is amazing and it was all done by Julia herself.  You can tell how much time and love she has invested in this book which she dedicates to her children.

The true judge of a children's book is of course a child and according to Logan, it passed with flying colors.


I wanted to keep the book at my house to read to him whenever he came over but he insisted he take the kitty book with him and because I'm like the best aunt in the world, I let him. (That along with a six pack of bud light.  It's his favorite, and less calories than the original.  Lindee, you can thank me later.)


I'm going to buy another copy for Brolan who also loves kitties as he has three of his own!

If you want to add Bingo's Big Adventure to your library, it is available on Amazon (Books are temporarily out of stock but more are coming) or just go to Bingo's website and click on the Pay Pal option:

http://www.bingoadventures.com/

Douche Bags

So let's talk douche bags. It wasn't too long ago when I thought douche was pronounced dew-shay instead of doosh.


A dew-shay bag, if you will.


I don't remember where I had read about a douche bag, but in my head I was pronouncing it dew-shay.


Because I'm awesome like that.


So....one fine evening Alex and I went out to eat with a bunch of friends and someone called someone else a douche bag. Of course, being the mature adults we were, everyone busted up laughing. During the laughter I thought to myself, what is a douche bag anyway? And of course, since I never think before I speak, I blurted the question out loud to the group.


"What is a douche bag anyway?"


And of course, that made the group laugh even louder. Because, well, we are mature adults.


"You don't know what a douche bag is?"


"Um. No?" I immediately regretted opening my mouth and I started scolding myself in my head. Bad Pooba! Bad! No soup for you!


And so someone finally took pity on me and explained, right there at the restaurant mind you, exactly what a douche bag was. After I heard this, something clicked in my head and before I could stop my mouth, I said:


"Oh! You mean a dew-shay bag!"


That's when everyone got quite and stared at me with confused faces.


"Yeah, that's a dew-shay bag right?" I said again.


More blank stares. And then something clicked again in my head and I said:


"It's pronounced doosh isn't it? Doosh and dew-shay are one and the same aren't they?......I'm retarded."


And boy did everyone have a good laugh over that one. Will someone please teach me how to think before I speak?


Idiot.

I'm On Fire!

Just wanted to thank the United States for celebrating my birthday yesterday.

The fireworks were to much, you really didn't have to do that.

But after 29 years of this, I pretty much expect it.

I Can't Handle So Much Frickin Awesomeness, It Must Stop. (But Not Really Ok?)

Thank you to everyone for your concern and your frickin awesomeness! I'm serious, I should have posted about this a long time ago. It really helps just to know somebody out there cares, just a little.


Seriously. You are all fricken awesome. If I could, I would buy you all this frickin awesome shirt:





Now I didn't post about my divorce for a long time because, well, I don't really know exactly who is reading this blog. That boy I kissed in kindergarten may be reading, or that girl who I cut her hair, dunked her head in the toilet and then taped her to the flag pole with her underwear over her head could be reading. (Not a true story, I didn't cut her hair, that's just MEAN.)


When I first started blogging, I thought it was crazy how honest people were and how much information they revealed about themselves! Hell, I'm a blog stalker, I know you can find anybody who has a public blog.


(Yep, I'm stalking YOU!)


But seriously, with a public blog you never know who's reading. But now,I've known that and have accepted that fact and I no longer care. Blogging is fun and I've met so many amazing people (you) and have reconnected with so many amazing people (you) so I am comfortable with anybody reading. The more people that know how stupid and clutzy I am, the better.


The world has been warned.


Of course there are a lot of things that I don't post about, things that affect other people who I know do not want the world knowing about, and DEFINITELY nothing about my job, so this isn't a tell-all blog.


Which brings me to a question for you.


Is your blog a tell-all? How do you feel about the fact that ANYBODY could be reading your private thoughts? Have you ever been dooced?


(Yep, I did just blog about blogging, it was time)