Friday, December 4, 2009

Thanks But No Thanks

During this season of Thankfulness I thought I'd share my list of things that I am NOT thankful for. These things MUST GO!





-Walmart


-Yard Sale signs that say "Huge Yard Sale Today!" that have been up for weeks. Take your signs down people! Unless you want me showing up on your front porch every day ready to barter with you.


-When you take the tinfoil lid off of the yogurt and it explodes all over your shirt. I heard this doesn't happen in California, is that true?


-When walking on a busy sidewalk or hallway and the person walking in front of you suddenly stops and causes you to run into them which then causes the person behind you to run into you. Don't mess with my momentum!


-Guys with long fingernails. Ew.


-Fast food places that charge for extra sauces.


-Getting into an empty elevator that someone just farted in so when the next person gets in, they think it was you who farted.


-Those homemade signs that say "If you're not making $30,000 a month, call me!". Pretty sure if you made more than $30k a month that you could afford a better sign then that of used cardboard and a magic marker.


-Mary Murphy












-Paige Davis
















-Clerks at the cash register that ask "Did you find everything okay?" When I say "No, I didn't", they just stare blankly at me. If you really didn't want to know then why did you ask?


-When clerks give you your change back and put the bills in your hands first and then try to put the change on top of the bills. Give me the change first unless you want to be the one picking up all that change after it falls on the floor.


-Chronic diseases.


-People who steal my Diet Dr. Pepper out of the fridge at work. You owe me 75 cents.


-The people who ring the bell in front of grocery stores at Christmas time.


-Talking on the phone.


-Pants that don't come in tall sizes.


-When people try to talk to you when you have headphones on.


-Blowing your nose at the dinner table or anywhere else besides the bathroom.



-People who ask me how I'm doing and when I reply "fine" they say "No, how are you REALLY doing?"


-Anyone that goes to work or church with their hair still wet.


-Checkout clerks that comment on the items you buy. Yes I AM buying KY jelly and ass cream, you got a problem with that?


-People who say & spell expecially instead of especially.


-When your shoe rubs on the floor and makes a farting sound.


-Farting.



What are YOU not thankful for?

44 comments:

Wehrle said...

Oh Kel... you crack me up! I was laughing out loud at some of those because they are oh so true!!

Rebecca Jo said...

I'm DYING!!! I'm shaking my head to most of these... ESPECIALLY the change on TOP of the dollars... its like a circus act balancing the change so it doesnt slide... I think its a conspiracy!!!

Hanging head... I like Paige Davis! hehe!!! Dont know why... I like her enthusiasm... not like Mary Murphy's enthusiasm though. No need for irritating screams - FO'SHO'

blueviolet said...

You had me laughing all the way through at these... up until the point where you mentioned people who go to church or work with wet hair.

;)

Aunt of 14 said...

HA HA HA!! Thank you... The Tamale Train has got to GO, I agree!! Mary whatsherface. But so does Nigel. UGH!

And as for interrupting your momentum... I do that on purpose. I absolutely HATE it when people walk so closely behind me (like they do in Seattle) that I can feel their breath on my neck. I hate hate hate that. So I will stop out of the blue and they'll crash into me or almost crash. Serves them right, is what I say!

The thing you said about farting. That happens in the bathroom too! People give you dirty looks if they see you in a stinky bathroom because your the only one in there at the moment. But it wasn't me! It was so and so right before me! DAMN!

Courtney said...

Oh Pube! You crack me up! Why are you buying KY jelly and ass cream? Seems like a lot going on down there! But what's wrong with Wal-Mart? I love me some white trashiness ESPECIALLY around the holidays!

Kristina P. said...

Mario Lopez and STDs. They go hand in hand, obviously.

Tiffany said...

OMG - the change thing drive me CRAZY!! I'm store manager and when I'm covering at the front register I make it a point to hand people COINS FIRST THEN BILLS ON TOP!

The coins on bills drives me especially (not expecially!) crazy in DRIVE THRUS. I drive a small, low to the ground car. Gravity is not helping!!! Morons!

Tiffany said...

That was supposed to be drives not drive - I talks me some good American!

Shandal said...

It's not just yogurt that explodes, baby food does it too. That's like 4 times a day! Annoying!

dani said...

You read my mind. Too funny Kel.

Sara said...

Wow! You covered my list pretty darn good! :D I also say no thanks to teenagers, butt cracks, knock off UGG boots, nurse maid's elbow and snotty kids on playgrounds. :)

Julia said...

You OBVIOUSLY have never had allergies like me. I must blow my nose at the table from time to time or I'd just have to set up a table over the toilet to eat dinner.

And that F-ing bell at the store makes me lunatic. Seriously. I think it is why there are more shootings during the holidays. It's all their fault.

Now the rest of that stuff. Yer pretty much right on the money.

MJW said...

Loved this list as well! I say no thanks to people who talk about how they hate fake people yet they are that person themselves.

Frau said...

OMG great list of not thankful's on your yogurt poke a hole before opening with a tooth pick or fork and it won't explode! Farting pissing me off to unless it's me! Have a wonderful weekend!!

otin said...

You know, except for Paige Davis and Mary Murphy, I think that I have thought about most of these at one time or another. One of the worst is the clerk who comments on what you are buying! I hate that with a passion. As for Paige Davis, I think she really wants to be a man!!!

African American Mom said...

Oh the change! So true!

You gotta be from Arkansas to really appreciate Walmart...LOL!

SJB said...

HAHAHA, I'm so with you on all of those. Expecially (haha) the pants that don't come in Tall sizes. Being a tall, long-legged girl...I LOVE LONGS!

OH, and I am NOT thankful for (going along w/ your farting item) my husbands ass....er - I should say what comes out of his ass. He really has a nice ass, but MAN - farting in bed and pinning me under the sheets with that rancid smell is just cruel!

Lee said...

My yogurt exploded on my shirt earlier.
It makes me so angry... you won't like me when I'm angry... HULK SMASH. RAAAAAAH.

Seriously though, they need a new anti-yogurt squirting technology. I'd pay for that.
I just paid for a staple-free stapler though... so I'd pay for anything.

Kasey Hunt said...

Thanks for the laugh . I do have to say farting i something I'm least thankful for. My husband has the WORST farts. I understand that people have to do it, and it' s a natural thing. I don't like to do it, but if I do, I go in another room, or try not to do it in front of him . His are just plain nasty!!!
Another thing I'm NOT thankful for is people who claim they are Christians but don't let my husband play on a church league because they think he doesn't believe in Jesus Christ b/c he's Mormon!!! I guess our title of our church doens't have any presidence!!

Karin Katherine said...

Oh no----I think I say EXspecially...but I do spell Especially.

I think...

Marsdinis said...

I say no thanks to any home built in the 70's.

Pretty funny post-you had me laughing out loud in parts of it. Have to stick up for Wallies, though. Not because it's not totally ghetto and trashy, but because it's totally ghetto and trashy. Jk. Ya just can't beat those prices...

Suzi said...

Did you know that if Paige took her hubby's last name she would be Paige Paige?

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm laughing too hard I can't leave a coherent comment. I guess it's really no different than usual. ;)

Amen Sister! I concur with all your No Thanks.

So, Thanks.

:)

Pricilla said...

That so you think you can dance lady is very annoying.

I could do without goat gas. Especially when I am milking. I think they hold it for just then....

Laura said...

Walmart seriously I am so over cheap crap that falls apart right away

Bloggers who don't proof read their stuff I mean a little mix up is fine but when they say whole and mean hole or they use the wrong to it drives me nuts and I can't read that crap anymore-at least at least use spell check it's a bare minimum for bloggers

Mindy, Tyler, and Kids said...

Only when you've lived outside the country can you really appreciate Walmart. Although I like other stores Walmart will always have a soft place with me.

KK said...

So funny!
How about when the show goes 5 minutes over and the DVR cuts off the ending!

Elizabeth said...

Aww. I know Walmart can be hate-able. But I miss it so much now that I can't get there in the city. It's so hard to find things now.

Kristin said...

My neighbor who thought it would be cool to leave plastic wrap over their broken window for a YEAR!

Life with Kaishon said...

This was too funny for words. OH MY GOSH! That elevator thing is the worst! And so are grocery store check out clerks that don't really want to tell you where to find everything!

I hope you can go home from work soon! I just say your tweet from 42 minutes ago! That is crazy!

Alexis AKA MOM said...

Yup I'm sorry to say I'm a Walmart shopper it saves me too much on groceries ... Man wish I could fit the man!

Oh man really Paige .. she's so cute! LOL ;)

How about the oh you're doing some baking and then they look at my waste. Should I look at their missing teeth (yes walmart shopper) and say need some toothpaste? Oopps just kidding :) Yes weight sensitive back off ... LOL

Queenie Jeannie said...

Thank you for the belly laughs this morning!! I'm too busy laughing at your list to think of anything myself, but I'll get back to ya...

Chief said...

a very eclectic and extensive list you have there. expecially all the references to farting

Justine said...

You mean to tell me you're not thankful for farts? Come on girl! Without them you'd be in a heap of pain!

Expecially. Yep, that's a pain in the ass. As is "all of THE sudden". That one has always driven me mad.

Ewww... my mil blows her nose at the table EVERY time and she does this after-blow, let's fish around in the huge, cavernous nostrils thing that always makes me want to slap her ugly face.

Oops, did I just say that?

Justine :o )

CLUFF FAMILY said...

You are too funny. I hate it when I text friends and they never text back! (hint hint)

Christie-The ChatterBox said...

Too fricken hilarious!! I agree with the majority of your list! You've inspired me to write one of my own (will of course link to you and give you all the glory for it!!) I may not get to read blogs that often but when I get the chance to stop by here, I get a good ol' belly laugh! That I am truly thankful for!

Orr's said...

Mary Murphy is my Hero kel, how dare you. I don't agree with anything on your list and think your a mean sister for doing no thanks on thanksgiving. My contempt has nothing to do with your previous post of me and the pilgrams. None at all. Watch your back, your dogs, your husband, and your... label maker bitch.

foxy said...

I gotta say, that yogurt thing is a real bitch. I hate it when that happens.

I'm with ya on Mary Murphy. HATE.

Along the lines of exspecially, I also hate it when people say "ideal" instead of "idea"... and also "take for granite" instead of "take for granted". Ugh. There are SO MANY MORE... and mis-saying something is probably one of my BIGGEST pet peeves.

But farting? Come on, that's just fun, all around.

Heather@WHMB said...

Yogurt - that is SO annoying and you know you've tried several different ways of opening, nothing works. Happens with baby food too, which I have declared is worse.

Mary Murphy. Exhausting.

I'm with you on farting and long fingernails too. Ew.

Annie Harper said...

I say no thank you to people who don't like Walmart.

How bout THAT.

I also say no thank you to Sweet Home Chicago Pizza. And I'm sorry about that. Really, I am. I just CANT eat something I threw up (among other things) every 15 minutes ALL NIGHT LONG. Even thinking about that salad Kelly, well it makes me break out in a cold sweat. I SAID IM SORRY.

But I'm not sorry about the Walmart comment. THAT i stand by.

Megan said...

I'm gonna say I agree with all of the above, minus Paige Davis...I like her. But totally cracking up at this list! So awesome!

texas math said...

It's not so much when people stop walking on the sidewalk (or in the hallway) as when they don't start walking right after they get off the escalator.

If I'm right behind them, I have absolutely NO way of stopping, so I just have to barrel into them. Which prompts the "WTF, watch where YOU'RE going?" look from them.

LadyStyx said...

Some of those...I agree with...some, not so much. Many great choices for elimination, though.

scrappysue said...

people who leave their supermarket trollies in the middle of the aisle while they take THREE days to decide what cereal they want.

people who randomly stop walking - RIGHT in front of you

people who talk overly loud on the phone

the Original NOKIA ring tone. i swear it's going down someone's throat the next time i hear it...