Wife Beater: It's Not Just A Shirt, It's A Lifestyle

*The following guide was inspired by actual events.



6 easy steps to win over the girl of your dreams


1. Show up on the first date in a wife beater.


2. Show up on the first date in your rusty low ride sixty-somethin Impala.


3. Brag about the your rusty low ride sixty-somethin Impala's bitchin sound system.


4. Make a point of driving the girl around the parking lot to demonstrate exactly how bitchin your rusty low ride sixty-somethin Impala's sound system really is.


5. After the first date continue texting her 10 times a day. Don't worry when she never texts back, that's just her playing hard to get.


6. And finally, the last but most important step of all, send her pictures of random body parts flexing in the mirror.

It is vital that you make sure your skin is nice and wet before you take the picture, this creates a glistening affect that further enhances your big man muscles.




Just follow these 6 easy steps and you are guaranteed to make the ladies swoon!

*No, I'm not kidding, this actually happened.

Suck Face

I need some advice. My face is totally sucking. I'm getting age spots, wrinkles, and red blotches that arbitarily materialize out of no where. I haven't had a bona fide nightly/daily face routine since I was in college, which I've been told was somewhat bizarre, as Heather can attest too.


Every morning and night I would wash my face, spread on some special concoctions that my "face lady" sold to me, and finish off by icing my face. No, I didn't do it "Joan Crawford" style by immersing my head in a sink full of ice water,



I would simply take an ice cube and rub it around the circumference of my face until my skin turned bright red and had become sufficiently numb.


And every morning I had to wake up before all my roommates in order to go to drill team practice, which meant that poor Hev would wake up the same time from the sound of the freezer door opening.


She loved me. Especially when I'd accidentally drop the ice cube tray.


But ever since I got married, that routine does not exist. I am no longer seeing my "face lady" because she is 50 minutes away from me, so I no longer buy her top secret elixirs either.


So my question for you is, what is your daily face routine? Do you use any special products? Facials? Estheticians? Lazers? Chemicals?


How do I get rid of these horrid spots?


I need your help people, I usually don't let anybody see me without makeup but I thought I'd make an exception to prove my point:





Help.

Pooba's Guide To Surviving Your Colonoscopy

Follow these easy steps to make your butt hole invasion as painless as possible!

Day 1: (Also known as Preparation-For-Hell Day)

Binge - like you've never binged before, but please, no purging. Eat the biggest meal possible for dinner. Think of it as your last meal before you are sent off for execution. Because on Day 2, you will only be aloud a liquid diet. You don't want to start the day off starving do you? No, STUFF. YOUR. FACE.



Stock up - Fill your fridge and cupboards with the following:

• Jello - The best liquid that helps you feel full, I suggest jigglers which you can make on Day 1 or the morning of Day 2.

• Popsicles - Mmmmm, who doesn't like popsicles?

• Broth - Clear broth, using water and bullion. This is great for your lunch and dinner, it tricks your belly into thinking it has actually eaten something of substance, when in fact you've only eaten flavored water.

• Juice - Cranberry, Apple, Gatorade, Pop, anything clear that you can SEE THROUGH but nothing that contains red dye. Did you know the inside of your colon is a reddish pink color? How can the violating Doc find anything if your insides are all the same color? Common sense people.

• Water - I like water bottles, that way you can have one at your side all day long. Plus you can help destroy our earth by not recycling them.

• Tea or coffee. Sugar, but NO CREAM! WARNING: Too much green tea on an empty stomach leads to involuntary praying to the porcelain God. Tea in moderation people. Moderation is key.

• Medications: Make sure you've purchased your assigned medications! (Please buy your laxative in pill form, don't make the mistake of buying suppositories, your butt hole has enough abuse coming, no need to add more.)

• Baby wipes - You will be pooping all day on Day 2, you don't want a raw inflamed butt hole do you? The answer is No. Not only is it embarrassing, but it hurts like a mother to stick a huge tube through it. Baby wipes are a must.



Moviefy - Rent a butt load (pun intended, I'm a dork. Word.) of movies. You will be stuck home for two days straight, I recommend having 7-8 movies on hand.





Day 2: (Also known as Kill-Me-Now-This-Is-Hell-On-Earth Day)



Home is where your butt is - Never, I repeat, Never leave the house during Day 2. You don't want to be the poor sap walking down the grocery isle smelling of dung do you? The answer is no, you don't.



Just say no - Whatever you do, do not use Fleet Soda as your cleansing agent. Use MiraLax. Unlike Fleet, MiraLax is not saltier than the Salt Lake, and it doesn't instigate an immediate gag reflex. MiraLax also prevents you from puking your intestines out for the rest of the day. And mix your MiraLax with Gatorade, there will be a light change in flavor but hardly noticeable at all. Yummy.



If you have to say yes, be smart - If you have to use Fleet, do not mix it with your favorite drink. If you do, you will never want that drink again. The fleet will ruin it for you. Just like how you can't eat hot dogs because you threw them up when you were a kid, it is the same concept. (If your doctor actually recommends fleet, I would turn and run as far away as possible. Fleet recently had a recall and is now in the middle of a law suit. See? Told you it was bad.)



Liquify - Drink as much liquid as possible.



Watchify - Watch your butt load of movies.



Make your bed and lie in it - You may want to make yourself a bed in your bathtub or somewhere near the toilet. Remember, you can never be too safe, your bed will need protection. Whether it be towells, a tarp, or your husband's favorite shirt, you always need protection. Don't you remember your sex-ed class?



Revert back to your infant self - You must wear a diaper to bed. Those all night maxi pads will work too. Your poop is going to be just like water and it's gonna come out whether you're ready for it or not. Trust me.






Day 3: (Or what I like to call Still-Like-Hell-But-A-Little-Better-Because-You-Get-Some-Really-Good-Drugs Day)


Be an early bird - Make sure your colonoscopy appointment is at the earliest hour possible. When you wake up, you will be dehydrated, exhausted, and starving. Why prolong it?


Bring your own lifeline - Make sure you wear socks to the hospital. You will have to get naky for everything below the waist except for your socks, they will be your lifeline, your comfort. Think of them as your teddy bear or baby blanket, a sense of home in a strange place.



Avoid eye contact - Avoid eye contact in the waiting room. Everyone is there to have their butt hole violated just like you, so nobody wants to chat. The waiting room is not a place to make friends or to hit on that hot guy sitting next to you for remember, he too will soon be violated. Butt holes should not be a conversation starter people!



Follow the buddy system - Take your spouse, or a friend with you. Not only will they have to drive you home afterwards, but they will need to be there to listen to the doctor. You will still be incoherent when she comes in to show you the beautiful pictures of your shiny diseased colon. (That was for you Justine)



Never fear the farting room - Everyone must fart before they are allowed to leave. Just like the waiting room, avoid eye contact. But really you have nothing to worry about because you will still be high on the butt drugs. Enjoy your loopy time while you've still got it.



Butt drugs are good - Drugs are the only benefit of your colonoscopy so take advantage of your loopy time. Say something to embarrass your husband. For example, when the doctor is in the room say,

"Maybe my butt hole is diseased because I let my husband in the back door last night".

Yep, that'll do it. He can't get mad. After all, you were under the influence and are likely not remember said comment anyway.



Restify - Sleep.



Watchify - Finish your butt load of movies



Pride - Hang the pictures of your colon on your fridge. Similar to hanging your college degree on your wall, people will be impressed.


Be proud of what you've accomplished!

The Art of Crotch Watching

Albert and I enjoyed dinner and a movie with our friends Kevin & Andrea over the weekend. After eating delicious sushi, we had about an hour to kill before the movie started so the boys reverted back to their 10 year old selves and played video games while Annie and I participated in some high-quality people watching.


There's nothing more entertaining then people watching, well except for that time Lance made fun of Lindee because she thought Pilgrims and Pioneers were one and the same and that Thanksgiving originated in Utah. That was pretty entertaining, but people watching is a close second.


So we sat on a bench studying the passers by and attempted to guess what kind of people they were and the types of relationships they had with those accompanying them. It didn't take long before our observations reverted to what people were wearing. Annie taught me a lot about fashion, specifically the art of wearing boots over your jeans.


I learned that this is bad:



Now the sweater, belt, and horrific sexy face aside, do you see the jeans bunching up over the top of the boots? That is bad, especially with those hooker boots.


I also learned that this is good:



Boots over skinny jeans is very respectable, especially cute slouchy boots with buckles as shown here.


Now back to our public surveillance, our attention turned to one girl in particular who, as I was taught, was a horrible example of the boot to jean fashion. Annie began to describe why her jeans were not the right jeans and why her boots were not the right boots but I wasn't listening, I was too preoccupied looking at her crotch.


I had never before seen such a large crotch in my life!


I began to feel jealous of this girl, bad boots or not, so I pointed out her crotch to Annie who in turn was a little bewildered by my comment. She looked at the girl and looked back at me until she finally asked me how I could tell she had a big crotch.


Well, let me try to explain. Someone is considered to have a big crotch when they have a lot of space between their legs so you can distinctively see a separation between the first thigh, the crotch, and the second thigh.


It's hard to describe without using my hand gestures that I used to explain this to Andrea but I'll try. You know those skinny bitches whose thighs don't touch? They have big crotches!


Let me just show you.


Big crotches:






Small crotches:





And the crotch size does not necessarily depend on how skinny the thighs are. Some people can have the extremely thin thighs but their legs are built so close together that a space between them is just not viable.


Or you could be built like me with mammoth thighs and colossal saddle bags that, if placed directly in front of the sun, could black out the entire Western hemisphere. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying small crotches a necessarily a bad thing, I just happen to be a small crotched person who would prefer a larger crotch.


Because we all want what we can't have right?

Piggy Crack

As I was sitting at my desk, I happened to look down at my foot and realized that I might be violating a serious fashion no-no.


I've got major toe cleavage.


What exactly is toe cleavage? Here are the shoes I am wearing today.



I'm sorry for showing you my foot so early in the morning, but I need to know, is this good or bad? Is toe cleavage like boob cleavage and the more I show, the more hookerish I become?


Am I being immodest? Is this appropriate work attire?


Personally I think I have ugly toe cleavage, I'm not exactly sure what good toe cleavage looks like but I'm pretty sure I don't have it.



I mean look at mine, my big toe is all squished in there next to my second toe and together they make these ugly toe wrinkles that make my foot look old and fat. Just look at those toes, it looks like they despise each other but Momma has forced them to hug and make up.


Instead of toe cleavage I think we should just call it piggy crack, it just doesn't look right to me, but how can you avoid it?


And what about dudes, what do they think of piggy crack, or do they even think about it at all? Attractive? Turn off?












Speaking of cracks, is butt cleavage really a good thing for a woman? Last time my sister and I went to Wendover, we got an eyeful of butt cleavage and of course I had to document the event with my camera phone.




Seriously, I don't wanna see that anymore than I wanna see this:



But people, help me out.


Toe cleavage.


Good? Bad? Sexy? Nasty?

To My Nincompoop Neighbors

When you see me walking my dog, do not wink at me and ask:


"So who's walking who?"


You know what? I'M walking my dog! That's how it works. Yes, my dog is very big but do you see him pulling on the leash? No, he is walking WITH me people. You aren't being clever, you aren't being funny, I've heard it many many times before. In fact you've probably already asked me that many many times before!



If you would have asked me this 6 years ago, it would have been different. Yes, when he was a puppy, he was the one doing the walking. As many of you have witnessed, Dozer would take off after some poor sap dragging me behind him.

Yes, I've been tripped, tangled, mowed across the grass, skid across the ice, dragged through the snow, and trampled in the dirt.

Yes, I've had both knees bloodied, (and scarred now thank you Dozer) both elbows slammed onto the pavement, the leash burned into my hand, and even had my arms ripped out of their sockets.


Yes folks, I am armless.





But that was then. It has taken a lot of training (and tricking) my dog into submission on our walks so isn't it obvious now who is walking who? I've worked hard to be the one on the right side of the leash.


So let's get it out on the table right now.


I am walking Dozer.
Dozer is not walking me.


If you are the next fool who asks me that question, I will feed you to my dog.

Then we'll see who's walking who!




Good boy.

She Is SO Dead

I'm back from Powell, bummer I know. But before I post anything about my trip I must take care of some business first.


It's personal so I won't reveal too many details but I do need to ask you for a favor. Can anyone give me an alibi for tonight?


Just curious.


Oh, and if you don't hear from a certain someone, her disappearance has nothing to do with this.




Never, ever, ever give your sister your blog username and password.


Ever.

Helping Cure Fugliness, One Blog At A Time

You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.


That's you! All you out there with fugly blogs need to listen up. So I entered this contest at Blogalicious Designs for a total blog makeover and by using a combination of my telepathy and "the force" I was able to win that sucka! Which is why I have this lovely new look and navigation.


I'm gonna go all pop radio on you and give a "shout out" to Stephanie and Staci, the masterminds behind blogalicious designs.



Can I tell you that I am annoying as hell and the most indecisive person on this side of the Mississippi and these girls not only put up with me, but went out of their way to assure my blog was exactly the way I wanted.


And now they want to share the love with YOU! So here's what they will do for you:


You will receive $20 off any blog makeover package! All you need to do is mention Grand Pooba when you contact them.


They also have gone all high tech with a cool new feature, Rotating Headers. Can't make up your mind on a header? Well this allows you to add additional headers which will change each time your page is refreshed. Pretty Cool eh? And they are only $12 each!


So get your booty over to Blogalicious Designs and become a follower, you won't regret it peeps!

You Can Learn A Lot From TV

I was trying to keep my eyes open Friday night while lying on Andrea's couch when a comedian on TV caught my interest. We had just eaten dinner at Mikados and returned to Kevin & Andrea's house for some action packed card games, which didn't actually happen because Andrea fell asleep.

Okay, okay, it was me alright? I fell asleep. I ruined the evening okay? Don't act like you're surprised.

But back to the comedian. Before I dozed off this comedian went into a bit about his relationship with his wife and married couples in general. It seems that women are constantly battling to get their husbands to help out more around the house.


Um, duh!


He relayed a story about when he was a bachelor sharing an apartment with his roommates and how much easier it was to get them to clean. All he had to do was walk into the living room while his roommate was watching TV and say:


"Hey Dick! Do the the dishes!"


The roommate would say "Hey, who ya callin a dick?" on his way to the kitchen and guess what? He would do the dishes every time. So the comedian suggested that this is the way wives need to get their husbands to do the dishes, instead of whining and yelling and talking about it over and over.





Fast forward to Saturday morning

I'm making the bed when I look over at the mountain of Al's stuff that has accumulated on our dresser. He uses the dresser as his "catch all" space and it has been slowly driving me insane. I cringe at the site of all his receipts, paper, books, coins, golf tees, used condoms, and hats.


I'm kidding people, there are no books, why would Al have any books?


So Al gets home from golfing and thinks that he is going to start playing video games. Ya know, like ya do after golfing.


Golfing is hard.

I am now in the kitchen thinking, no way in hell is he gonna sit and play video games when there is a dresser sitting there taunting me with it's filthiness! So I casually stroll past the bedroom and say,


"Hey Dick! Clean off the dresser!"


And then I continue on my way. Minutes later, the dresser is spotless.

Unsolicited Advice

Holy crap it's already Wednesday, or hump day, whichever you prefer.


Of course I prefer humping over anything else.



I have a feeling that hundreds of new bloggers are going to be visiting me today to say hi. Why? Because I'm being featured over at SITS, a cute lil ol' bloggin network I joined decades ago.

Ok, so it was just last year but it sure feels like decades (love you guys btw). But since I have all your attention, I'd like to take this opportunity to offer some bloggy blog blog advise to y'all (crap, there's that accent again).

Please for the love of all that is holy, change your comments page to a pop-up window. Please! If you have your comments set up so that they are embedded below your post, poor Pooba cannot comment.

Tragic! I know.

My computer blocks me from commenting only on blogs that have that embedded feature so please everyone go right now to their "Settings" tab in blogger, Click on the "Comments" header and where it says:


Comment Form Placement

• Full page
• Pop-up window
• Embedded below post

Click on Pop-up window!

If you do this, you will win a prize! You will get into heaven and all your dreams will come true. So take my advice peeps, if for no other reason than to make me happy, cuz I know that's all y'all (sh**!)wanna do.

(Make me happy that is, not sh**, I was just cussing my southern accent there. Although, I guess we all sh** too so either way.)