Eff The Instructions

The instructions specifically said "DO NOT RUB IN".









I should have rubbed it in.

I Sure Hope Having Babies on the Freeway Doesn't Run in the Family!

My cousin just gave birth on the Freeway!!


GO HERE TO READ STORY


What??


Why am I still in Canada right now???

I Aint Afraid of No Maze!

Pooba v. The Maze
(Please pardon my dishevled look, I just woke up ok?)



December 20, 2010

Yeah, that just happened.

Wife Beater: It's Not Just A Shirt, It's A Lifestyle

*The following guide was inspired by actual events.



6 easy steps to win over the girl of your dreams


1. Show up on the first date in a wife beater.


2. Show up on the first date in your rusty low ride sixty-somethin Impala.


3. Brag about the your rusty low ride sixty-somethin Impala's bitchin sound system.


4. Make a point of driving the girl around the parking lot to demonstrate exactly how bitchin your rusty low ride sixty-somethin Impala's sound system really is.


5. After the first date continue texting her 10 times a day. Don't worry when she never texts back, that's just her playing hard to get.


6. And finally, the last but most important step of all, send her pictures of random body parts flexing in the mirror.

It is vital that you make sure your skin is nice and wet before you take the picture, this creates a glistening affect that further enhances your big man muscles.




Just follow these 6 easy steps and you are guaranteed to make the ladies swoon!

*No, I'm not kidding, this actually happened.

Another Round of Thanks But No Thanks!

Last Thanksgiving while everyone was expressing what they were thankful for, I was expressing what I was NOT thankful for and now that the time of year is here again, I thought I'd add to my list!




So the following is a list of things that I am NOT thankful for:


Fake yawns to end a conversation.




People who flush swiffer pads down the toilet.





Those damn seals on new CD cases that are impossible to remove in one peice.





When someone holds the door open for you when you are like 10 feet away so you feel like you have to run so they can let go of the door.





Short bathroom stalls (Hello North Layton Jr High?!)





People who steal my friend's ipod from his car when it's parked in my driveway.


Bumper stickers that are too small to read.





The snow.


My rear wheel drive car.


My rear wheel drive car in the snow.





Couples who share an email address or facebook page.


MySpace





Loud breathers.


Dentists who ask you questions while their hands are in your mouth.





The fact that healthy food is always more expensive than junk food.


My legs.


Short tables.


My legs that don't fit under short tables.


Whiteheads.






Finding other people's pube hairs. Anywhere.





Creepy 50 year old men hitting on you.





Creepy 50 year old neighbors hitting on you.


Mom's who give their kids a mullet when they are too young to know any better.





What are YOU not thankful for?

Dear Pube,

Ok so apparently everyone is curious about this email that I wrote Pube so I thought, this is my blog, why not share? But I also have to share with you what my dear lil sis told me to say to him.





Wasn't she the cutest baby? Sorry, just thought I'd throw that picture in here for some reason. Anyway, she is awesome and I wish I had the balls to send her suggested email because it would have been hilarious!


Enjoy.




The actual email I sent Pube:


Pube,

Ok, wow, I’m a little taken back by your texts. Is this all because I didn’t respond to one of your texts until the next day? I was camping in park city (Not sure why that is so hard to believe) so I honestly didn’t see your text until the next day. I’m sorry if you thought I was not answering on purpose, that wasn’t it at all. Sometimes I am busy and just don’t look at my phone, especially over the weekends. I’ve explained all this to you before so stop reading into things that aren’t there. It’s just texting; if you need an immediate answer you can call me.

I don’t think we are on the same page here. We are not in a relationship, we are just dating. I know you would like a relationship right now but I've already told you that I don’t. I enjoy hanging out with you, but I think it’s a good idea if we stop dating now before anyone gets hurt. I’m sorry if I gave the impression that I wanted a relationship, with my situation I just think it is good idea to keep dating other people. I’m just not ready for commitment right now which is not good for you. Sounds like you need someone who is ready to be with you and can give you 100%.

I can’t do that.

-Pooba










And now the email suggested by lil sis:


Pube,

I don't think we are on the same page here, I'm far from looking for someone serious which includes your bitch ass who needs your hand held everyday! I told u I'm not good at texting, u can call me and get an immediate response since that is what you need, if u continue to loose sleep over me not txting back than u can just forget this. I can't handle your leaky vagina moments at 3am anymore, man up and back off a little bit if you 'want me'

-Pooba




So what do you think, should I have used lil sis's email?


It would have made hellofa more entertaining story that's for sure. And that's all I'm looking for right now with this dating thing, entertainment.


And distraction.

Practice Safe Text

Ok confession. I have been dating. I didn't want to start dating so soon but found that it's a pretty good distraction and can be very entertaining. So I decided to date purely for the entertainment factor of it all. I know that makes me sound shallow but come on, I don't want anything right now and have found dating has helped my self esteem since it's been in the gutter as of late.


Dating.


Dating has changed a lot in 10 years, it's more hi-tech. Instead of calling, it's texting and apparently responding back via text on a timely basis is VERY important.

One thing I've learned is that I am too laid back to be dating. Good God I didn't know guys could be so much drama! Seriously. I thought it was girls who were supposed to freak out if they don't hear back from the person they are dating. I thought it was girls that would prefer spending every minute of every day with the person they are dating.


Naw, not girls, it's men in their 30s. They are like little whiny high school girls. No joke.


Case in point.


I had been dating a guy, we will call him Pube, just because I think it's funny. I had gone on about 8 dates with Pube and he was pretty nice, funny, and most importantly, not annoying. Or so I thought.


Well, he totally started ruining the whole hanging out/dating thing for me by telling me that I'm the first girl that he's thought about family and kids with.


Sigh. Why can't guys just hang out without wanting a relationship? I thought that's what guys were into, but apparently not.






....So one Friday night I was hanging out in Park City and went on a midnight hike. I knew my phone wouldn't work in the mountains so I just left it back at my friend's house. While I was phoneless, Pube had sent me a text asking what I was doing that weekend.

Of course I didn't get that text until the next day because I was in the mountains all night. So I write him back the next day. Here is our text conversation:


Friday 9:22 pm
Pube: What are you doing this weekend?


Friday 10:18 pm
Pube: Or don't respond. That always works.


Saturday 12:14 pm
Me: Sorry! Yes, I am headed to lay town tomorrow. It's my bro's bday, yay cake!


(Yes, I'm retarded)


Saturday 3:41 pm
Pube: That's the 3rd time you've said sorry in less then a week. Not good.


(WTF? Did he seriously just say that? That came out of nowhere. I'm a little pissed so I write back...)


Saturday 3:56 pm
Me: Well I went camping last night so I didn't get your text till today.


And then I didn't hear back from him that night. Which is really strange because he usually responds within the hour. He obviously is trying to give me a taste of my own medicine. Problem with that is I don't really care so it doesn't really work.


So I forgot all about Pube and his needy-ass texts until Sunday night when I was awoken at 3 in the morning by my phone beeping. What the hell? I thought. So I check my phone and this is what I get:


Monday 3:04 am
Pube: You are kind of f**king up, so what do you think? I like you, but I think I should find 1 of those "needy utah girls". They might call too much, but they have your back . . . But what I want is you. Point is you need to tell me wtf you want.


Monday 3:15 am
Pube: And those "utah girls" don't go camping past oct 15th when its 27 degrees outside. It must have been chilly.


W T F ????


Yeah, I read that and was pretty shocked, he basically just accused me of lying. This guy is like a sweetheart in person, what the hell is going on? So I go back to sleep and decide to deal with it in the morning.


Dude. Who does that?


I decide it's time to get rid of this needy dude and because I'm really classy and have no problem with confrontation, I break it off with him in an email.


At least it wasn't a text.


D-A-T-I-N-G


I guess some people take it pretty seriously.

Shit Happens

Wow. Has it really been a month since I've posted?


Dude.


I have a little story to tell you so grab your barf bags and gather round, you're in for a treat.


One fine Sunday afternoon I come home after running a few errands, ready to finish my laundary and get my homework done. I was already feeling overwhelmed with the amount of homework and studying I had to get done that day so I was particulary anxious.


I walk into my house and see something on the floor in front of the bathroom door. I walk closer to investigate and realize that it was water from the toilet overflowing!


What? Did someone break into my house and try to flush a huge brown bomb down the toilet while I was gone?


So I open the bathroom door to stop the overflow. Bad idea. As soon as I open the door, brown water comes shooting out and starts flowing into my dining room.


WTF?


I look at the toilet and it is was litterly spewing shit. Shit water. Along with other things you find in a sewer. I was shocked. I knew I should turn off the water to the toilet but in order to do that I would have to wade through the shit water. And of course, without thinking, that's exactly what I did.


In my flip flops.


Gagging the whole time.


I turn off the water but it does nothing to stop the spewing toilet. Crap! Now what do I do? I stand back and just look helplessly as the water continues to saturate my dining room carpet. I need towells. Yes, thats what I need! So I throw off my flip flops and wash my feet off in the kitchen sink so I can run upstairs and grab my bath towels.


All of my bath towels.


I come back downstairs and by this time the water was creeping closer and closer to my kitchen table. So I drop the towels and have to move my kitchen table and chairs into the living room but in order to do that I have to move the couch and the automan first. So I finally finish rearranging my living room and get back to work at the matter at hand.





I try to create a dam the best I can with the bath towels. This seems to work for the moment and I was finally able to call a plumber and of course the soonest they could get there was in an hour.


An hour! My house would be full of shit by then! I hang up and start thinking, isn't there someway to turn off the water to the whole house? Maybe that will stop it. So I call my neighbor for his advice.


FYI: This is my next door, we share a wall, 50 year old single neighbor who likes to lay out in the back yard every time I do and periodically asks me out for drinks. (But that's a whole different story.)


Anyway...he's no help. I don't think he realized the magnitude of the situation, this wasn't just a little clogged toilet dude! Meanwhile the toilet is still going.


And going.


My towels are soaked, it's now leaking into the kitchen. I'm screwed. My landlord won't answer his phone, the plumber isn't going to be there for an hour so I call an emergency flood cleanup guy who also won't be there for 45 minutes!


So I just sit back and watch the sewer continue to make it's home in my house.


Turns out that there was a problem with the pipe outside my house. I live in a little subdivision of townhouses and the plumbing is set up so that each place has a pipe going directly from their toilet into the ground under the street & then combines into one big pipe that takes it out of the neighborhood.


The meeting point for everyone's pipes is right in front of my house soooo, when the main pipe got plugged, the sewer chose MY pipe, to MY toilet to MY house to use as it's exit.


So yes, I had the entire communitiy's poop in my house. And everything else they flush down the toilet. By the way whoever is flushing swiffer pads down their toilet needs to be shot. Just sayin.








Eventually the plumber got there and was able to remove the toilet and plug up the pipe to stop the sewer from coming in. My landlord finally got the message and came over after I had the flood guy and the plumber there working on the mess. He felt horrible, but he did stop and buy me donuts.


That makes everything better.


Thanks.


Anway so the past month I've been living in a construction zone. I got about 5 new roommates and they didn't even help with rent! The plumber dude, the flood dude, the carpet dude, the sanatizer dude, my landlord and a couple of construction workers lurking outside my house. They had to tear into my front yard and dig into the cement in my garage to get at the pipes.


Oh, and I forgot to mention that the flood seeped down through the floor and flooded into the basement too. Poop dripping from the ceiling.


Awesome.





So everything is pretty much cleaned up now, the kitchen floor still needs to be replaced but everything else is pretty much done.


Finally!


These pics are after the poop is all gone, I'll spare you any shitty pics.









Even though the bathroom is fixed, I don't go in there.


I refuse to use it.





It scares the shit out of me.

Don't You Hate It When...

You think it's Friday only to realize it's only Thursday?



You have to pee so bad but the restroom is closed for cleaning?



Your plane crashes and your stuck on an island with a bunch of people only to realize that you're all dead?



People sit right next to you on a bus when there are plenty of other open seats?



You can't get that fillet fish song out of your head?



You wake up all sweaty? It's like "What the hell was I doing in my sleep?"



When you go to shake the bottle of salsa and then realize the lid wasn't screwed on?



When the inside of your ear itches and you just want to jam a pencil in your head?



When you call Lady Gaga and she's kinda busy?



When a song on your ipod plays a lot louder than all the other songs and it scares you half to death?



Your shoe squeaks and everyone thinks you farted?



When you sleep with your boss and don't get promoted?



You pour a bowl of cereal then realize there's no milk left?



People "drunk IM" you on facebook?



Restaurants only have Pepsi products?



You sneeze right after you put on mascara?



You're riding the elevator when someone farts and gets off, then the next person who gets in thinks it was you who farted?



People just assume that you play basketball because you are like 10 feet tall?



When your milkshake brings all the boys to your yard?



You get stuck behind a slow walker?



You forget your neighbors name but it's way too late to ask?



Radio stations play Sex and Candy?



You're about to say something important but then Kanye West butts in?



You pee on your tampon string?



Your DVR cuts off So You Think You Can Dance 10 minutes too soon?



When people complain about what they hate?

P.S. I'm Divorced

Yeah, I'm officially single and have been for over 2 months.


Apparently the court dudes don't call you or mail you a letter to let you know when your divorce is final. They just expect you to check in with them.


WTF?

Hangin In

Okay here's the deal, my life has taken a very big unexpected dump in the toilet. I mean a huge fat stinky turd right there in the pot.


I think it's about time I write about it because this blog is going to be changing and I might as well spill the beans and explain what's been going on. For respect of others I can't really go into any details but I don't have any ill feelings toward anybody.


Gosh, I'm trying to write this so matter of factual and it's not working. I just need to write it as a story, it just feels better to me that way.


A few months ago, Alex and I were talking and he revealed to me that he no longer wants to have children.


Like ever.


We've been married 8 years and have always planned on having children from the start. He had never said a word about not wanting them until now and of course I have wanted children all my life! It was never a question for me, you grow up, get married & pop out the kids. So when I first learned of the news,


I was completely shocked.


Completely devastated.


Completely confused.


And extremely sad.


We didn't know what to do. In that one second, everything in our lives changed. Just like that. Thoughts were racing through my head a mile a minute. What does this mean? This isn't happening. This is a dream, a joke, it couldn't possibly be real.


So over the past few months we've been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of talking and a lot of crying. Long story short I know that I can never be happy unless I become a mother. That is and has always been my ultimate goal. It's just such a powerful feeling to want a child so badly, I can't ignore that.


He has been trying and hoping that he would get the desire to have children but that feeling has never come and he has realized that it never will. Just as strongly as I want a child, Alex does not.


Where's the compromise in something like that?


Ultimately there is no compromise. We have decided the only way for both of us to have a chance at happiness is to separate. We are getting a divorce.


Divorce.


That's such an ugly word. That word has so many horrible assumptions associated with it. Bitterness, anger, regret, jealousy, hate.


But we feel none of these. We still love and care for each other very much. Sometimes I wish I could just hate him, that maybe it would make things a little easier for me. But I can't. All I feel is an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness.


I never realized that when you go through a divorce, you not only loose your spouse, but you lose your whole life. It feels like you have to divorce everything and everyone associated with him.


It's the most painful thing I have ever gone through.


Ok, I'm probably saying way to much now and I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, I just needed you to know what was going on with me.


Now the future?


Well, two weeks ago I moved into a town home that is close to my work. Alex will be moving out of state in August to go to law school so it's just me and the kitties.


Yes, I am the Cat Lady.


But I have enrolled in school to get my masters in accounting so I'm currently taking classes (only one more week of summer semester!). I don't know why I thought I needed to start school right away, my house is still in boxes because I only have time for homework right now. Soon I hope to get my life put back together but in the mean time I am so lucky to have such a wonderful supportive family & friends who have helped me through this.


I wouldn't be able to survive this without them.


I'm also so lucky to have so many big strong men in my family to move my piano! (Thanks guys!)


So that's about it, I'm still working and just living one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. I have no idea what the future holds for me and honestly, I can't really think about that right now.


As my grandma always said:


"I'm hangin in."

Auto Desecration

Driving home from work yesterday I took an alternate route to stop at Petsmart. I was sitting at a light downtown right next to some car dealership when in the corner of my eye I see something running toward me.


I look to my right, outside the passenger side window, and see this big smiling face and hands motioning me to roll down my window.


Scared the shit out of me.


After the initial shock wore off, I rolled down the passenger side window just a little bit to hear what the guy had to say. He was young, clean cut and nicely dressed so I assumed he worked at the car dealership across the street.


"Hi! I would LOVE to buy your car!" He said enthusiastically.


*blink blink*


I just sat there and looked at him for a couple seconds and said,


"Ok....?"


"How long have you had it?" He asked.


"About three years." I replied


"Yep, it's probably time for you to upgrade." He said this as he looked my car up and down like he was checking out a chick. He was undressing my car with his eyes!I'm surprised he didn't start humping it right then and there.


My car felt violated.


I notice the cars in front of me started moving and I realize the light had turned green. That didn't matter to this guy, he still stood there hanging over my window.


"What's your name?"


"Grand Pooba" I said quickly as I slowly started inching my car forward noticing the long line of cars stuck behind me.


He didn't budge.


"Nice to meet you Grand Pooba, my name is Rick, here's my card, give me a call!" And with that he reached in the window to hand me his card while the car was still inching forward.


He about lost his arm after I grabbed the card and took off!


I looked in my rear view mirror and saw that he was now stuck. This dude was in the middle of the road with cars whizzing by on both sides of him. I turned the corner so I'll never know if he made it back to the safety of his precious car dealership.


For all I know, some impatient driver decided to teach him a lesson and introduced him to the pavement.


Sheesh. I didn't realize the economy was that bad.


My car hasn't been the same since.





Poor baby.

We Had A Deal!

I pulled a George.

I'm not going to say that I hit a bird with my car because it was more like the bird hit me. There I am driving and all the sudden a bird hits my windshield!


Seriously. The bird was sitting in the middle of the road, outside the range of my car, and decided to fly right into me as I drove by.

"We had a deal!"

I feel so bad but there wasn't anything I could do. He broke his side of the deal!


Poor little guy. Should I have stopped to see if the bird was knocked out or laying in the road unable to fly? Well I didn't, I just kept driving. Does that make me a bad person?

Wait, don't answer that. I must have been in shock.

I can only conclude that the bird had just lost his job, lost his girlfriend, watched his nest burn to the ground, and found out that he only had 30 days to live.

He was obviously suicidal.

I sure hope PETA isn't reading this. Please forgive me.

What the What?

At my place of employment, I have this one particular coworker who just isn't "all there".


And everyone knows it.


You know who I'm talking about, there's one in every office.






Don't get me wrong, he does his job, but he creates most of the work he does himself because he's so old fashioned. For the purposes of this post, we will call him Mr. Barfboogerface.


Mr. Barfboogerface says the most random things to you out of the blue and everyone in the office just humors him.


It. Is. Hilarious.


So I've decided to keep an account of the things he says because well, who says stuff like that?


A little background on him first, he is in his early 50's, is overweight, is bald & freckled, has never been married, has never had kids, lives alone, and his life is his work.


He has back problems and other health issues of which he is determined to let everyone in the office know about. Not only know about, but know every detail of his medical history.


The only interaction he has with other human beings is at work, which is why he always stays at work late. There's no point in him going home, he has nothing to go home to. I know it's sad but he lives in his own reality he makes for himself, I don't ever see this changing.


His office is full of papers. No, I don't think you understand, I mean papers all over his desk, his shelves, piles and piles on the floor, people can't even walk into his office it's that bad!

(Not his real office but pretty close to it!)

And of course they recently moved his office right next to mine so guess who gets to be the recipient of any new health issues and/or big problems with important things like paper towels?


You guessed it. Me.


This here is a conversation, though mostly one sided, between Mr. Barfboogerface and another coworker of mine in the break room. The normal coworker, we'll call him Dave, was warming up his lunch in the microwave when Mr. Barfboogerface walks in.


Mr. B: "Hi, what's going on?"


Dave: "Just warming up my lunch." In his mind he's thinking, oh crap, my food has 4 more minutes! I'm stuck with him for 4 whole minutes!


Mr. B: "Oh. I just need to get some paper towels."


The paper towel roll was empty so Mr. Barfboogerface gets another roll out of the cupboard and while he is replacing it he says,


Mr. B: "You know, I blow my nose with these."


Awkward pause.


Mr. B: "Well, not these ones here at work of course, but when I'm at home."


Dave: Nods his head trying not to laugh.


Mr. B: "Now these paper towels only have the big sheets but I like the ones that are smaller so you can pick your size. Those are the ones I use."


Dave: Blank stare.


Mr. B: "Ya know, I always run out of these at home. I usually buy two at a time but since I use them so often, I just bought a 10 pack and put two inside my house and the rest in the garage." He is speaking very matter-of-factly as if this is important and valuable information.


Dave: Blank stare.


Mr. B: "But my garage isn’t attached to my house and I hate going out there so when I run out of paper towels I never want to go get more. And then when I get home from work and park in the garage, I never remember to bring some more up! " Sighs.

Dave: Blinks.


Mr. B: "Finally I found some extra space in my pantry where I can store them all so I don’t have that problem anymore."


Pause.


Mr. B: "I should probably stop using these to blow my nose."


And with that, he walked out of the break room.





Dave said nothing this whole time but was pretty excited to come and recite his whole "conversation" with Mr. Barfboogerface to me.



My response?


"What the what?"

We're All Mad Here. Seriously.

Well.


Friday night was...interesting.


The plan was that after work, I would pick up Andrea and we'd go eat sushi at Blue Fish for dinner and then see Alice In Wonderland.





That was the plan.


Work that day was a little stressfull. Okay a lot stressful, but not enough to prevent me from dreaming of my favorite sushi roll, The Hungry Roll, at Blue Fish. It is SOOOOO delicious, any roll topped with lobster has to be good right?


Why it took me 25 years to try sushi I will never know, but it is food of the Gods.


I think the Sushi Gods were conspiring against me for my lack of sushi interest for so many years because complication after complication developed at work that day. As 5:00 rolled around, I started getting nervous, I couldn't leave work until I met my deadline, which, at the time, was NOW!


I was supposed to pick Andrea up at 6:00, and as I watched the clock tick away on my computer while progress continued to slow, my dreams of sushi began to diminish.


6:00 came and 6:00 went.


Damn you Sushi Gods.


Finally I was able to leave at 7:00. SEVEN! The movie started at 7:45 so I was racing the clock driving straight from work to Andrea's house, about twenty minutes.


I was a mess at this point. My hair was all frizzy from trying to pull it out all day, my makeup had pretty much worn off, and my heart was pounding out of my chest.


Shit. I don't know how to get to her house from the freeway! So she tries to explain directions to me over the phone. This proved to be very difficult for her to do, being that she DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE SHE LIVES! How many years have you lived there now Annie?


Serioiusly, the directions I got went something like this:


"So you turn at the light, then there's a church and then a few streets down from that there's a street sign that kind of sticks out a little bit more then the others and you turn there. Oh, but when I said turn at the light, I meant the second light, not the first. Okay, so then the road winds around and you turn at a creepy looking house. Then there are big houses and you make another turn and keep driving around until you get to my house."


Huh.


I only took two wrong turns out of three and only went in one full circle before I reached her house. Do you realize how many spooky houses there are in that neighborhood? Sheesh.


I honk as I'm pulling into the driveway.


Wait.


Wait.


Okay, I think, maybe she didn't hear me. So I leave the car running as I hop out and go knock on the door. Halelujah she answers the door!


Sigh, relief!






While she puts her dog away I run back out to the car. In my haste, I grab the handle to my car door and pull extra hard expecting it to open. But no, I almost rip my shoulder out of it's socket.


The door doesn't budget. I tug again.


Nothin.


I look closer and noticed that the door wasn't shut all the way so I thought if I could just pull a little bit harder....


Nope. Oh, I know! I'll push it all the way shut and then it will open.


Nada.


We are officially locked out of my car.


My car is running.


I'm hitting my car door.


Andrea is trying not to laugh.


Like my keys, my phone and purse are locked in the car so I borrow Andrea's phone and try to call Al. Of course she has to have one of those fancy touch phones that I have no idea how to use.


I try dialing three times.


"You must dial the area code when dialing this number..."


Damn you operator!


"Andrea! How do you hang this up?!"


This goes on until finally I'm able to get through to Al.


Al was not happy.


But he comes, and brings my keys. Andrea and I were waiting inside the house when we hear a knock on the door.


Yay! Finally, every thing's going to be okay. I think.


Oh no. My car keys aren't actually real keys, they are just car remotes that you stick straight into your ignition. Because my other remote was already in the ignition, the spare remote couldn't override it.


So the doors wouldn't unlock. The trunk wouldn't pop open. The spare remote was useless.


And the car was still running.


Then, my predominate brilliance takes control and a light bulb appears above my head. There's an emergency key in the remote! Take the key out, take the key out!





Others were doubtful.


I knew it would work.


What d'ya know, the brilliant blonde saves the day. (The day that she totally ruined)


With no time for goodbyes, Andrea and I hop in the car and as soon as the doors are shut I try to put my seat belt on but, like the car door, it wouldn't budge. I let it go and try again.


Stuck.


Third time, stuck.


Andrea busts up.


I bust up.


We made it just in time for the previews.



Was it worth it? Yes.


Why?


Because after the movie we walked into Blue Fish 5 minutes before they closed and ate to our hearts' content.


The Sushi God's were very pleased.

I Wasn't Kidding, I Really Am A Sinner

I walked into Harmons last night to pick up some powdered sugar (to feed my new addiction, Muddy Buddies) and my prescriptions. I go through the check out line and pay for my goods then I head over to the pharmacy. While waiting in line I realize that I need some band aids so I grab a box to have the pharmacy add it to my "tab".


I stood in line for about 2 years and totally forgot about the band aids, even though they were still in my hand. Without thinking I set the band aids down on the counter when it's my turn to give my arm and leg for my prescriptions (Hence the band aids).


The pharmacist must not have noticed because he didn't ring them up. So when I was done, I grabbed the band aids with the one arm I had left and hopped out of the store. Not even realizing that I totally just stole the band aids.


And yes, I did realize this after I started driving out of the parking lot. Did I turn around to go back and pay for them?


No.


Why? Because it was like double negative degrees outside and the Utah Health Dudes said that we should avoid going outdoors because of the current air quality. Was risking my life worth 3 bucks?


I'm pretty sure I'm worth more than 3 bucks. I'd say 10 at least.


So now I owe Harmons $3.


Anyone have any spare change?

I Was Going to Title This Post "ALOHA", But I Know Some of You Don't Speak Hawaiian. So I Didn't.

We have now safely returned from Hawaii. I wish I could say the same for one certain piece of luggage but that's a whole other story.


Holy Jeebus I don't even know where to start. The Hawaii trip was a Christmas gift from Alex's parents, the whole family went and stayed for a week on Maui. We stayed at a gorgeous house in Lahaina, here are a few photos of the place we stayed.






The view from the house:



This was a trip full of surprises. My mom-in-law surprised us by getting everyone first class tickets for the flight! Not only that but she also gave us all Bose headsets to watch movies and listen to our ipods with. (And I was in desperate need of a new headset, score!)


Now I know why they say "first class is the only way to fly." You don't have to wait in that awful long line to get through security and you get to board the plane first. When you sit down the first thing they do is give you a Mai Tai, and then another, and another. I asked Al if they paid the flight attendants who worked in first class extra because they all were just so happy to help you.


Weird.


I totally soaked it up because I knew it would be the one and only time I would fly first class. I kind of felt like Jack in Titanic, you know trying to fit in with Rose and all the elite? Only I didn't spit off the side of the boat. Because we weren't on a boat. And well, I don't know how to hock a loogie.


Ok got a little side tracked there, where was I?


Oh yeah, Hawaii. It rocks. I want to live there. Forever.


And Ever.


Cris surprised us again by getting us all lei'd when we stepped off the airplane at 4 in the morning.





You'd think it'd be awkward all getting leid at the same time but it was so late we were all okay with it. (Hey, I know the whole "getting leid" joke has been done many times before but I still think it's funny, and that's all that counts. Sorta. Ok I suck I should have just left it alone but now I've gone on too long and totally ruined the whole joke. Good God will someone just shut me up?)


While at the house, the majority of our time was spent throwing children.





When not throwing children, we were at the beach. On our first day at the beach we were all minding our own business, the kids playing in the water, the girls wading on the shore, and the guys snorkeling in the ocean.






(For the record, Cris was NOT picking her nose. At least that's what she tells me.)


Like I said, minding our own business.


At the time I was laying on my towel reading a book, you know, minding my own business.


So we were all minding our own business, nobody's business but our own, when I see in the corner of my eye some strange old man walking my direction.


In my head I'm thinking, "Please keep walking, please keep walking, please keep walking" but guess what he did?


He kept walking.


No, he didn't keep walking, why would I bring him up if he just walked by? He stopped right next to my towel and said, "Excuse me?"


Annoyed, I look up and see him holding out some coral in one hand and a rolled cigarette in the other. (Identical to some illegal substance that one might roll up and smoke, or cook into brownies. Or so I hear.) He started blabbing to me about how the coral was clean and dry and was already dead so I couldn't get into trouble for taking it home.


He hands it to me and I'm not sure what to do. I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I walk over and show the kids the coral, pretending to be fascinated by it, and then I hand it back to Crazy Weed Dude.


He tells me to keep it, I'm like, okay thanks, and I put it on a towel by our stuff.



I expected Crazy Weed Dude to walk away but he doesn't. He approaches me and Rachael mumbling something totally incoherent so we just brush him off and he leaves.


Finally, he's gone!


Oh but he wasn't gone. He walked into the ocean to swim for a bit but stayed near by.



After his little dip in the ocean, he comes back and approaches Rachael again, this time she understands what he says. He asks her if he can use the kids' bucket and she politely says no, the kids are using it. He then explains that the reason he gave us the coral was in exchange for him to use our bucket.


What? Crazy Weed Dude just won't quit and we start thinking that maybe he's trying to distract us while his accomplice steals all of our stuff from the beach. So just to be safe, I walk back to my towel and grab my bag, when I turn back around I see this:



Somehow Crazy Weed Dude managed to get the coveted bucket. We all watched while he taught the kids how to use the sand and water to drip onto the sand castle and make strange looking peaks.



And of course we all stayed close and watched him (and our stuff) like a hawk while he interacted with the kids. We were all just humoring the guy because he clearly wasn't "all there".


About that time we decided to pack up, leaving the crazy son of a bitch by himself.


I left the coral behind, lying on the beach, and I'm sure he used it on some other poor family to get into their bucket too.


When we weren't being accosted on the beach, we were kickin back with Buddha.


(Sorry bad phone pictures)



When we weren't with Buddha, we were getting lei'd (yes, again) at the Luau.





This is Albert's usual face after getting lei'd:



And yes, I am really that white and Alex is really that tan. I hate him.




And while the dancers were doing this:



Ava was doing this:





She is quite the dancer (and no she did not learn this from me, I only teach pole dancing, not Hula Striptease). When Rachael asks Ava if she wants to do dance or gymnastics, Ava says she wants to do "fighting" instead.


Yes, fighting.


And with two older brothers, she has plenty of fighting experience! But she is also such a girly girl. She wanted her toe nails painted almost every day. She'd bring me my nail polish bag and tell me that she needed her toe nails painted again. Of course I was happy to oblige.

(These two pics courtesy of Cris)


I love this girl.




If you're actually still reading this I will now put you out of your misery. Stay tuned for more Hawaii including magic tricks on a boat, sharks, sea turtles & a 5 foot 10 inch praying mantis!


And best of all, Albert's awesome fishy face.


You DO NOT wanna miss that. Promise.