Oh The Shame!

I really wasn't going to write about this, but I've written every other embarrassing moment in my life so why stop now right?


As you know I went to the fair a couple weekends ago.




I love the fair. I love anything with rides. And cotton candy. My husband thinks quite the opposite though, hates rides, hates fairs, hates people. Not all people, just those ones that breathe. So I went to the fair with my mom, Alyse (baby sis), Lindee (lil sis), and the neph Logan.






And yes, Alyse really did wear this outfit ALL day. And yes, she really did think it was stylish.




We made the mistake of taking Logan on the Tea Cup ride first. He hated it.


Hated. It.


So of course he was too scared to go on any other ride, good thing there was a train ride. He is obsessed with Thomas the train and love, love, loves trains. So we went on this ride quite a bit.




My goal at this fair was to try the deep fried goodness that I had heard so much about. Apparently you can deep fry anything snickers, oreos, even Coke! When in Rhome right? So this was our lunch:


A Navajo taco,




funnel cake,




deep fried peanut butter & Jelly sandwich,




and for dessert, deep fried cheesecake.




So after we each gained 30 pounds, we thought it only fitting that we go visit the pigs den.





There were some huge cows!




Among other BIG things.






So by this time, we were all exhausted, it was hot, dry and I was feeling dehydrated. I felt like I couldn’t drink enough water. You know how you are so thirsty but your stomach is so full you can’t drink anything more? That’s how I felt.



So we were about to call it a day when I realized that we hadn’t gone on one of my favorite rides, The Starship. You know the one where everyone climbs into a cylinder room and stands against the wall as the room begins to spin a billion times a minute?


Oh it’s the best!


So Lin, Lyse and I took our places against the wall. We laughed in anticipation as the Starship slowly started to turn. It wasn’t long before I could feel all my weight begin to press against the wall. We were then able to lift our feet off the ground and climb up the wall on our backs.


The Starship then went faster and my organs began to fight for space as they were all crammed up into my ribs. I looked over at Lindee and Alyse and they were laughing and truly enjoying the sensation.


I on the other hand felt something that I have never felt before on a ride, I was feeling nauseous. I closed my eyes as I tried to coax my stomach into settling down, and promised that soon the intestines would return to their home and all would be well again.


It wasn’t listening. While I was concentrating, the wall that I was forced against slid upward and I hit my head on the ceiling. That didn’t help things. Finally, the ride started slowing down and I could feel my intestines sliding back down into place and my heart finally left my throat to its home behind my ribs.


I opened my eyes just before the ride had stopped spinning. Big mistake.


I looked over at Lindee and realized this was it, this was the end and there was no going back now. I grabbed my mouth with my hand as my stomach forced the deep fried goodness from my belly back out the way it came in.


I spewed.


Luckily the other riders were not in target range so they were able to avoid any flying remnants. I, on the other hand, was not so lucky. I tried to clean myself up as best I could while trying to hide my face from other’s view. I heard sweet sis Lindee say that the ride operator would clean it up for me so I kept my head down as we exited the ride.


I heard the kids waiting in line moaning to their parents because they would have to wait until the mess was cleaned up before they got their turn on the Spewship. Yes I was embarrassed, but I felt even worse because I let myself down.


I not only disappointed those kids, I disappointed myself. I have always prided myself in my ability to handle any ride no matter how fast, no matter how high. But no longer, I am a failure.


I hang my head in shame.

This Is Why I Want To Be Greek

I think this hair cut would do wonders for my complexion don't you?


Oh, and I love the food.




My Dad is in love with Greek food, Indian food, Thai food, Mediterranean food, Armenian food and basically any food that he can put in his mouth, chew, and swallow.


He grew up in Idaho and lived off of potatoes until he was 18. He was deprived when it came to food variety, when his mom made his family their first pizza pie, he thought it was completely bizarre. Pie with meat on it? He just couldn't wrap his limited palate around the idea.


So not only did he grow up eating the same monotonous food every day, but that food was usually watered down for the sake of saving the family money. He had no idea of the deliciousness the world had to offer and it wasn't until he was older with kids of his own that he learned you didn't need to water down scrambled eggs.


When I was little, my grandma was watching him make scrambled eggs for breakfast and when he started pouring water into the eggs, she asked him what the hell was he doing.


He was a little baffled and explained that he was just making scrambled eggs. My grandma gave him her famous condescending glare and told him that she only added water to make the eggs go further, you don't HAVE to put water in the eggs!


Yeah, thanks for that Grandma.



So now that he is a big boy and all growed up, he is determined to try any and all cuisines. He is now a foodie. He will try anything, he even ate chicken feet.





**Excuse me while I barf.**



So every year he takes us to the Greek Festival, which was where we went for lunch last Friday. The food is delicious but I can't pronounce a thing on my plate! I'm not even sure if I'm pronouncing gyro correctly.



**Sorry, must barf again, I just looked at those damn chicken feet.**



So we had that macaroni meat thingy that tastes almost like dessert and dinner in one and then that spinach thingy that looks like baklava and well, a bunch of other crap I'm too lazy to explain.






This is my dad's hungry face. I wouldn't let him start eating until I took pictures of our food.




Then he got really hungry and was about to cry, so I let him eat. Could you say no to that sad, sad face?




Me neither, I am determined NOT to turn into my grandmother, he's had enough deprivation in his life.

My Fantasy Footballs

That hubster of mine is one of those fantasy football players. He's the Bud Light Real Men of Genius Fantasy Football Manager Guy.


I'm so proud.


Anyway, Albert and his other really tough & brawny fantasy football buddies got together last Saturday night to spend 4 hours sitting on their asses bidding on players for their fake football teams. It's what they like to call The Draft. Sounds fun, really.

The Draft is a huge event that Albert starts planning a year in advance so I wanted to contribute this year so I decided to make some football shaped sugar cookies. Score points for me on my Bree Van De Kamp journey!

I have been looking for the best sugar cookie recipe, the kind that are nice and soft and the kind that DO NOT have that gross lemon flavor to them. Well, I found it. These things are deadly; you will eat the whole batch if you're not careful. This is the best sugar cookie recipe I have found and lucky for you, I'm here to share it!

(Warning, my footballs turned out horrid and ugly but they tasted delicious! I suck at footballs. And life.)



First thing you do is pick out your baking music, I have kept a selection of goodies here for you to choose from. For this occasion, I chose The Black Eyed Peas - The E.N.D. Great CD!









Second, you will need to get out all this crap:

In a large bowl, cream together shortening, sugar, eggs, and vanilla.

Like dis:

Next, add the dry ingredients. I like to mix the dry ingredients together first in a separate bowl so all the salt and soda get to know the flour first. Or whatever.



Then I add those dry ingredients to the wet ingredients and mix.




The dough should look like dis:




Now add the sour cream (Oooooh, secret ingredient!!!)




Stir the dough until is starts pulling away from the sides of the bowl like dis:




Cover and chill in the fridge for at least 30 minutes.


On a floured surface, roll out dough to about 1/8 inch thickness. You can make them a little thicker if you like bigger cookies.




Use desired cookie cutter, mine of course was a football.



Place cookies on an ungreased baking sheet and bake in a 375 degree oven for 8 minutes.



Now this is the important part because you don't want to over cook them. When you pull them from the oven they will not quite look done. THIS IS OKAY, do not leave them in the oven any longer than 8 minutes. They should look like dis:




Cool cookies completely before frosting.



Okay now I also found this great frosting recipe, you can either use this or just buy some cream cheese frosting already made. Whichever you prefer.

To make good frosting, you've GOT to cream the butter first.




And then add the remaining ingredients, milk, powdered sugar & vanilla. Just check out this frosting, it's so yummy!




Now here is where I began my downfall. I needed to turn this white frosting into brown frosting for my footballs. Seems easy enough right? Just add red and green food coloring and you'll get brown right? Easy.




Well, not so much. I used the rest of my red and green food coloring and this is as brown as it got:




Not quite what I was going for but I was determined NOT to use chocolate frosting on these cookies so I had to make do. And here is where they turn really ugly, frosting the cookies.




Yes I am aware it looks like puke or poop, but I promise they taste delicious! When frosting these things you really want to use a bit more frosting then usual. Trust me, there's no such thing as too much frosting on a sugar cookie the last thing you want is for them to be dry.

Then I had to add my 3 little white stripy things to make them look like footballs. I can't even do that right. Straight lines? Not possible with my shaky hands. So here is the final result:






Not the prettiest things but they were so fricken delicious; I think I ate a dozen by myself. So be careful!

And here are both recipes written out in full for you to copy:


The Best Sugar Cookie Recipe Ever

1 cup shortening
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
½ tsp. vanilla
3 cups flour
½ tsp. soda
½ tsp. salt
1 tsp baking powder
½ cup sour cream (you can use yogurt or buttermilk also)


Cream shortening, sugar, eggs, and vanilla. Add dry ingredients and sour cream. Mix well. Cover bowl and chill dough at least 30 minutes. On floured surface, roll out to 1/8 inch thickness. Cut into desired shapes. Place on ungreased cookie sheets. Bake in a 375 degree oven for 8 minutes. Do not over bake!

Makes 4-5 dozen



Sugar Cookie Frosting:

4 cups confectioners' sugar
½ cup shortening (or butter)
5 tablespoons milk
1 tsp vanilla extract
food coloring

In a large bowl, cream shortening until smooth. Add the confectioners' sugar and mix again until smooth. Gradually mix in the milk and vanilla with an electric mixer until smooth and stiff, about 5 minutes. Color with food coloring if desired.


Don't forget your aprons! I was sporting this one:



With nothing underneath of course.