Your Mom...and Other Shit About Me

Tag Tiggity Tag Tag!

Yeah, I got tagged. Again. Guess this is what I get for only blogging once a week. Love ya Suz! This tag is called "Four Things About Me" and y'all better do it too yo!

Four Things About Me

Four shows I watch:



1. Modern Family
2. So you think you can dance
3. Dexter
4. Your mom
(Or you can just click HERE)




Four things I’m passionate about:

1. Dance
2. Family
3. Friends
4. Your mom




Four phrases I use a lot:



1. "That. Just. Happened."
2. "What the what?!"
3. "...and shit." (Just add it to the end of any sentence, it's fun and shit!)
4. "Your mom."




Four places I’d love to go:



1. A Brand New concert
2. Wine tasting at Maynard's winery
3. Any tropical destination
4. Your mom's house




Four things I did yesterday:



1. Went to Beans and Brews. Twice.
2. Drove back from Park City.
3. Procrastinated doing my homework and shit.
4. Your mom. What?!




Four things I love about winter:



1. Who loves winter?
2. It's fricken cold!
3. No, seriously, who likes winter?
4. Your mom




Four things I’ve learned from the past:



1. When you're at dinner with Mike, always check your straw before taking a drink!
2. Tanning beds = Cancer = scary doctors = stitches = scars = ugly
3. Never let Lindee borrow any clothes, cds, cell phones, and especially...YOUR BOSS!
4. Your mom jokes never get old.

Yeah Thats right, I'm Stylish. What?

Dude I leave the blogging world for a couple weeks and what do I get for it?


A freakin award that's what!





That's right, I'm pretty damn stylish and now I have proof. Jeannie says so and whatever Jeannie says goes. Don't doubt it. Don't be jealous. Just don't give up and maybe you too can be stylish one day.


Promise.


Okay, so this award wasn't really free, I actually have to work for it, here's the rules:
1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you this award.
2. Share 8 things about yourself
3. Pass it on to 8 bloggers
4. Contact those bloggers and tell them about their award


Here I go.


1. My armpits are a little sweaty right now.


2. I take steroids. (Settle down, not the illegal kind.)


3. I like to keep it a nice cool 60 degrees in my house. Yes Lindee I turn the AC on in the winter.


4. I just ended a 2 week long strike against my kitchen floor. I hate the linoleum and want my landlord to get tile so I decided it didn't deserve to be cleaned. Yeah, the strike didn't work because the linoleum is still there. Still there and now very dirty.


(I'm still on strike against my downstairs bathroom, I just can't forgive it for spitting up shit all over my house! Could you?)


5. I'm not sure if I believe in God and I am okay with that.


6. This year I gave the best Christmas gift ever. A fart machine.


7. I love my dads!


8. I'm a horrible texter. Text me and maybe, just maybe I'll text you back. And if I do text you back it will probably be a week later.


There. I did it. Half-assed but I still did it. Now to give it to peeps who actually deserve it!


Karin Katherine


Jason


Stacy


Julia


Suzi


DeAnna


Lindee (yes she's my sister but hello? Do you want me to never see my nephew again? That's right, she gets an award.)


Blue Violet


Alright you stylin bitches, come get your award!


Oh crap I almost forgot to thank Jeannie.


Thanks Jeannie!

I Can't Handle So Much Frickin Awesomeness, It Must Stop. (But Not Really Ok?)

Thank you to everyone for your concern and your frickin awesomeness! I'm serious, I should have posted about this a long time ago. It really helps just to know somebody out there cares, just a little.


Seriously. You are all fricken awesome. If I could, I would buy you all this frickin awesome shirt:





Now I didn't post about my divorce for a long time because, well, I don't really know exactly who is reading this blog. That boy I kissed in kindergarten may be reading, or that girl who I cut her hair, dunked her head in the toilet and then taped her to the flag pole with her underwear over her head could be reading. (Not a true story, I didn't cut her hair, that's just MEAN.)


When I first started blogging, I thought it was crazy how honest people were and how much information they revealed about themselves! Hell, I'm a blog stalker, I know you can find anybody who has a public blog.


(Yep, I'm stalking YOU!)


But seriously, with a public blog you never know who's reading. But now,I've known that and have accepted that fact and I no longer care. Blogging is fun and I've met so many amazing people (you) and have reconnected with so many amazing people (you) so I am comfortable with anybody reading. The more people that know how stupid and clutzy I am, the better.


The world has been warned.


Of course there are a lot of things that I don't post about, things that affect other people who I know do not want the world knowing about, and DEFINITELY nothing about my job, so this isn't a tell-all blog.


Which brings me to a question for you.


Is your blog a tell-all? How do you feel about the fact that ANYBODY could be reading your private thoughts? Have you ever been dooced?


(Yep, I did just blog about blogging, it was time)

Are You Really Talking About The Weather?

It has been raining.


A lot.


Rain is so annoying, I mean you spend a good hour fixing your hair and makeup just right and then it's totally ruined the second you step outside. I guess that's what umbrellas were invented for huh?


Are umbrellas in or out? In Utah, it seems that if you use an umbrella it means that you are either a very high maintanance conceited person or an 80 year old grandma.


Or a very high maintanance conceited 80 year old grandma.


Maybe this is all in my head, I don't know. I'd like to use one but I really feel silly walking around with an umbrella. I'm paranoid about it. I know everyone who looks my way is all laughing at me inside their heads. Everyone is having such a good time at my expense I just know it. After I walk by they all buckle over in laughter and give each other high fives.





Then when you get inside, what the hell do you do with thing? It's this soaking wet mess so you can't just stuff it in your purse. Now you look even more ridiculous carrying around a dripping wet canopy in doors. This is when it stops being funny and people are just annoyed with you. You get "the eye" and if you stay really quiet, you can actually hear the cuss words under their breath.


Seriously, is it okay to have an umbrella or is it a fashion no-no? Am I really a high maintenance conceited 80 year old grandma for wanting to stay dry? And what type is better? I've seen grown women with hello kitty umbrella's, is that tacky?


You see? Why do I even worry about these things? Because I'm a high maintenance conceited 80 year old grandma.


Are you?






(There is, however, one kind of umbrella that I really don't mind):

TOAST

I must be out of my mind right now, I can't believe I am actually going to tell this story.


In writing.


On the internet no less.


But it's just too good not to share. So everyone come gather around, it's story time!


Let me give you a little background about my job. As you know, I'm an accountant for a gold mine (yes gold mines still exist and no I don't get free gold). Our office is downtown in an high rise building with 23 floors (this is relevant I promise) and I work on the 18th floor.


When I first started my job, I was the youngest accountant in the office. Actually, I was the youngest employee in the region. I was 23, straight out of college, you know, a rookie.


Well after working there for over a year I was finally coming into my own. You know, making a name for myself and feeling comfortable being the youngest chick in an office where the average employee is male, and about 5 billion years old.


So one day I was in the break room making my breakfast which consisted of toast and well, just toast. I put my toast in the toaster at which point I realize that I had to go potty. Bad. The bathroom is right outside the break room so I made a mad dash to "take care of bidness".


Aw, relief.


It wasn't until I was walking back to the break room that I smelled it.


Burnt toast.


"Dammit!" I think, "Now what am I gonna eat?"


As it turns out, that would be the least of my problems. I open the break room door and am greeted with a nice big puff of smoke.


Oops.


I run to the toaster and throw what was left of my toast in the trash and frantically start waving my hands trying to dissipate the smoke, but my attempts were useless. Yes, if you haven't guessed by now, the fire alarm went off.


Crap.


Everyone starts coming out of their offices and heading to the stairs.


"It's okay!" I try to tell them, "It was just my toast!" But nobody was listening, the alarm overpowered my voice. I didn't quite know what else to do so I just followed everyone to the stairwell and walked the 18 flights of stairs down to the main level and to the small patch of grass outside.


Guess what was waiting for us outside?


The fire trucks. Not just one, but three.


THREE. FIRE. TRUCKS.


And no, I didn't get to stand there and stare at the hot firemen, they were already in the building. If I was really thinking, I would have stayed in the building so I could be carried out in one of the Fireman's arms. Like Mitchell did on Modern family.


Had I known I would be seeing firemen, I would have dressed up a bit like Claire!



(LOVE THAT SHOW!)


But com'on, me? Think? How did I get in this situation in the first place? Yeah, I don't think.


I sat there on the grass with everyone else as the whole entire building was evacuated.


All 23 floors.


Finally we get the signal that we can go back in and they announce that someone burnt toast on the 18th floor. Oh sure, they listen to the fireman when they say it but when I'm screaming it, nobody listens.


Ugh.


So everyone heads back into the building, luckily taking the elevators this time. Slowly the news that I was the idiot who burnt the toast travels around the office and soon I was the topic of conversation for the rest of the day. The pun of jokes for the rest of the year.


The next morning when I showed up to work, I found something on my name tag on the wall outside my door. Written on a sticky note was my new nickname, the name I would be referred to by everyone in the halls, and anyone who came to visit my office:

TOAST

Metal Mouth Horse Face

I'm still digi-scrappin.


No, Tara, I promise I really am!


It's been a while since I've shared any of my pages with you so I thought I'd make your day a little brighter and post some purely for your enjoyment.


Now you can finally get a good night sleep tonight. Your significant other can thank me tomorrow. With Flowers.


And Chocolates.





This first one is from that weekend last year when Logan taught me a few things about photographay. I love the picture of his legs on the right hand side, so cute!







This second one is of my niece last Easter. I can't believe it's already been a year since then, I will have to get some more pictures of her this weekend at our Easter party!





Now you need to prepare yourself for this last one, it is very scary and I don't want you to faint so you better sit down before you look at it.
























So, okay, here it is.











The hair.


I know, the hair is big and frizzy and tacky but I didn't do it. This was a drill team picture so some chick right out of beauty school decided that this fro would be perfect for my skinny horse face.


She gave me a mane. I was closer to a horse then I'd ever been in my life. You could have stuck some carrots in front of my face and I would have followed you anywhere.






The braces.


I was a Junior in High School. A Junior in High School with Braces.


I didn't lose my last tooth until I was in 11th grade! The dentist finally had to pull it out because my adult tooth was growing sideways into my gum. I had to get braces to pull that bastard down.


They hooked a chain to that bastard tooth and attached the other end to the wire on my braces, so it would essentially pull the tooth down.


So not only did I have a gaping HOLE in my mouth, which made me feel like I was twelve, but I had geek braces with a freakin chain hanging below my teeth.


It wasn't a pretty sight. Luckily that picture was taken on the "good" side and you can't see the gaping hole and chain.


But you can still see the braces.


God I hated those braces.

Gettin Serious On Your Ass

Do you ever look back to when you were younger and how you imagined what your life would be like at the age you are now?


I just have to laugh when I do that because I was such a different person way back when. I'm still "me", but my beliefs have changed, my priorities have changed, what I want in life has changed, but I do feel like I am a better person now because of these changes.


(My brother and I a long, long time ago)


I was reading my old journal the other day and just laughed at myself. I had written down a few goals that I wanted to accomplish in the summer between my 7th and 8th grade years in school. Here are just a few:


1. To be in a good and happy mood.

2. To walk Sugar (my dog) everyday.

3. To do good in ballet class.


Those were the most important things to me at that time! They just seem so trivial to me now. To be in a good mood? Who makes that goal?


I'm such a dork. (I guess some things never change.)


(My twelth birthday party. Yes, that is you and you and you in this picture. And you too.)


Have you ever sat down and thought what your ultimate goal is in life? The reason why you are living?


For some people it is to be successful, for others it is to have a family and be a parent, and for some people religion plays a big role in their life and they ultimately want to make it into what their belief of heaven is.


So obviously I've been thinking lately what my ultimate goal is in life. What do I need to accomplish in order to feel happy, to feel satisfied, and it has me curious to see what everyone else's goals are.


What's your ultimate goal? Be a mom or dad? Be happy? Successful?

Has it changed throughout your life?

Total Awesome Nerdiness

As Bert tells me every day, I am a nerd.


Specifically a checklist nerd.


I love checklists! I have checklists for everything. Packing, home inventory, wine inventory, medication, household chores, pet care, groceries, Internet websites, etc.


But now, I have taken my checklist nerdiness to new heights and have merged it with my movie geekiness. A simple math equation really.


(Yes I have math nerdiness too).



Checklist Nerdiness + Movie Geekiness = Total Awesome Awesomeness!



I am a huge movie lover as I've mentioned many times before. Ever since I took a film class in college, I just love dissecting films and giving them my own, very influential, *rating. Old new, black & white, color, it doesn't matter I will watch any movie.


So I decided that I cannot call myself a true movie lover unless I have seen the top 100 movies, and of course when I got that idea, my nerdy mind went directly to:


CHECKLIST! Booyah!


So, I'd like to invite everyone to join me in this journey so you too can reap the total awesomeness that is total awesome awesomeness! Yes, I have decided to share that very checklist with you.


For FREE!


I could easily have this checklist copyrighted and charge ridiculous amounts of money for it, but out of the kindness of my wee little heart, I'm giving it to you free of charge.


Because I like free.


AFI Top 100 Movie Checklist


Just click on the link to download. (It looks much cuter on my computer but for some reason the font wouldn't stay when I uploaded it.)


In 2007, AFI presented the top 100 movies of all time. (Which means any movies made after 2007 will not appear on the list.)


I decided to start at 100 and move my way on up to the number one movie. Right now I am on number 96, Pulp Fiction. (A movie that I LOVE! *4.5)


To help you in rating the movies, I will share with you my special rating system. (It is a very accurate movie rating system. *ahem*)



*RATING GUIDE:

Scale 0.0 tot 5.0

0.0 - Worst. Movie. Ever: "I would rather die than watch this movie again."

0.5 - I really hated this movie: "I wouldn't wish this movie on my worst enemy."

1.0 - I hated this movie: "I wanted to poke my eyes out."

1.5 - I really didn't like this movie: "I just wasted 2 hours of my life on this?"

2.0 - I didn't like this movie: "I would never rent or buy this movie."

2.5 - This movie was just so-so: "Meh, I could take it or leave it."

3.0 - This movie was okay: "Definitely rental worthy but I wouldn't see it in theaters."

3.5 - I liked this movie: "Definitely theater worthy, I would go see this movie again."

4.0 - I really liked this movie: "I'm definitely buying this for my movie collection!"

4.5 - I loved this movie: "I totally connected with this movie, I could watch it again and again."

5.0 - Best. Movie. Ever: "I want to marry this movie and have it's babies."



So download the list, print it out and get to watching!


Do it for the children.

If it Wasn't For Her, I'd be That Crazy Cat Lady With a Human to Cat Ratio of 1:152

I just went to lunch with my bestest!


I NEVER get to see her! Like ever. She lives 4 hours away, so imagine my surprise when she calls me up and says she's in town and wants to go to lunch!


2010


Me love her.


De has taught me many things throughout our 16 year friendship and I'd like to share a few with you.



I learned...


1. That the most delicious snack is toast with peanut butter, cinnamon and sugar.


2. How to get grounded for months at a time.


3. That it is not a sin if a guy touches your stomach...phew.


4. How to do the centipede.


5. The lyrics to "Shoop" by Salt-N-Pepa, and how to properly sing it gangsta style.


1999


6. How to kick a soccer ball into the air and not let it touch the ground.


7. How to play cards in an elevator in Wendover and not get kidnapped.


8. How to make No Bake Cookies, Egg & Tortilla, Breakfast Cake, and Homemade Tortillas.


1999


9. To be 1% Mexican.


10. That kissing boys with tongue is not gross.


11. The proper way to tan on your roof.


12. How to be a good mom. You know, if by chance I ever become one.


2008


13. How to fake cry while singing "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men.


14. How to shave down there.


15. How to flirt with a boy without pooping myself.


2000


16. How to keep a secret.


17. How to be a friend.


1999


Love you De!

At Least I Never Turned Into The Old Cat Lady. I Could Never Afford That Kind Of Lifestyle Anyway.

Today is the 5th day I've spent as a single woman living alone with her cats (and dog).


When I was 19 I always thought I'd end up being that single 25 year old (Yes, that was really old in my 19 year old mind, remember I live in Utah) with curlers in her hair who spends her days in her pajamas tending to her 25 cats.


Damn, I never thought of all the litter box scooping that would require. That's a ton of cat poop. I can't imagine how much money I'd be spending on litter. I guess I could just teach all the cats to use the toilet, that would solve the litter problem but then I'd have to buy a lot of toilets. I guess it's a good thing I didn't turn into the cat lady. I don't have enough energy for all the poop.


Well this week I had a little taste of that life. Alex has been out of town to visit his grandparents in Colorado. His grandpa is very ill and not doing very well, they thought he might not make it through the week so my husband, his brother and his parents flew out there on Monday.




Luckily Grandpa is doing better now and should be coming home from the hospital today. That is great news! I love Grandpa Leon and Grandma Irma so much. When I met them for the first time it was like I had been their grand daughter my whole life.


I'm so happy Grandpa and his big ears are doing better. Aren't they cute?




I also can't wait to get my husband back. Our trash cans are full because I forgot to take out the trash Monday night, that's his job.


Our mailbox is also full because I keep forgetting to bring in the mail, that's his job.


Dozer, on the other hand, gets pretty excited when Dad goes out of town because that means he gets to sleep in the bed with me. Of course he misses Dad too, I'm sure.


Maybe.


I'll be spending the day tomorrow as a single mom. Yep, I went from being a married woman, to a single chick, to a single mom all in one week. Who knows where my life will be next week.


I get to babysit my nephew Logan, Lindee's son, for the weekend. I'm SO excited, I love playing "house". Dozer and the kitties love when Logan comes over too. Logan knows all the commands and hand gestures to keep Dozer under control. And the kitties just love it when Logan pulls on their tails. Love it.


Lindee told me the other day that Log was playing with a toy truck that looked like a Hummer and he said,


"Look Mom, it's Kelly and Alex!"


That just melts my heart, seriously I could die from a melted heart if I'm not careful. Too bad we sold the hummer, hopefully Logan will forgive us.

I Want To Have SYTYCD's Babies

I'm in love with this dance. It's my favorite so far from this season's So You Think You Can Dance.


This is Kathryn McCormick & Legacy Perez dancing to "2 Steps Away" by Patti LaBelle. Choreographed by Stacey Tookey, it's about a girl who is struggling with fear.


Watch it, you'll fall in love too.




Seriously makes me cry. I miss dancing so much. I love when he jumps and wraps himself around her waste (about 1.06 seconds in).


That dance reminds me of Kayla and Kupono's Addiction dance choreographed by Mia Michaels last season, which in itself was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!

Didn't see that one? Why the hell not?

Enjoy.





Brilliant.


I'm going to hump So You Think You Can Dance one day.

Why Today Is Going To Be A Good Day

Because I found a zit on my elbow.

Yep, right there on the outer portion of the arm hinge, the olecranon to be exact. Not on my triceps, not on my forearm, but directly smack dab in the middle of my elbow amidst that wrinkly pliable skin.

I have Elbow Acne.

I immediately went to demolish the sucker in the bathroom. Though a little challenging using one hand, I was able to contort my body into the optimal pinching position and I executed the problem at hand, and at elbow.

I never turn down a challenge.

Nothin better then that feeling of accomplishment you get after pinching such a ripe zit. In fact I've been so high on triumph that I didn't even notice the SNOW falling outside my window.

And you know what? I don't care, I got to pop a zit today. And not just any zit, an ELBOW ZIT. One can only hope and pray that this elbow acne continues.

Yes, today is going to be a great day.


(My apologies for creating a whole post dedicated to an elbow zit, but if you know me well, then you know how exciting this day really is for me. My apologies go out to all the normal people out there.)


(I'd also like to apologize to my elbow for such tactless exploitation.)

The Art of Crotch Watching

Albert and I enjoyed dinner and a movie with our friends Kevin & Andrea over the weekend. After eating delicious sushi, we had about an hour to kill before the movie started so the boys reverted back to their 10 year old selves and played video games while Annie and I participated in some high-quality people watching.


There's nothing more entertaining then people watching, well except for that time Lance made fun of Lindee because she thought Pilgrims and Pioneers were one and the same and that Thanksgiving originated in Utah. That was pretty entertaining, but people watching is a close second.


So we sat on a bench studying the passers by and attempted to guess what kind of people they were and the types of relationships they had with those accompanying them. It didn't take long before our observations reverted to what people were wearing. Annie taught me a lot about fashion, specifically the art of wearing boots over your jeans.


I learned that this is bad:



Now the sweater, belt, and horrific sexy face aside, do you see the jeans bunching up over the top of the boots? That is bad, especially with those hooker boots.


I also learned that this is good:



Boots over skinny jeans is very respectable, especially cute slouchy boots with buckles as shown here.


Now back to our public surveillance, our attention turned to one girl in particular who, as I was taught, was a horrible example of the boot to jean fashion. Annie began to describe why her jeans were not the right jeans and why her boots were not the right boots but I wasn't listening, I was too preoccupied looking at her crotch.


I had never before seen such a large crotch in my life!


I began to feel jealous of this girl, bad boots or not, so I pointed out her crotch to Annie who in turn was a little bewildered by my comment. She looked at the girl and looked back at me until she finally asked me how I could tell she had a big crotch.


Well, let me try to explain. Someone is considered to have a big crotch when they have a lot of space between their legs so you can distinctively see a separation between the first thigh, the crotch, and the second thigh.


It's hard to describe without using my hand gestures that I used to explain this to Andrea but I'll try. You know those skinny bitches whose thighs don't touch? They have big crotches!


Let me just show you.


Big crotches:






Small crotches:





And the crotch size does not necessarily depend on how skinny the thighs are. Some people can have the extremely thin thighs but their legs are built so close together that a space between them is just not viable.


Or you could be built like me with mammoth thighs and colossal saddle bags that, if placed directly in front of the sun, could black out the entire Western hemisphere. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying small crotches a necessarily a bad thing, I just happen to be a small crotched person who would prefer a larger crotch.


Because we all want what we can't have right?

Magazine Hell

One thing I hate and have a serious problem with is paper. I hate paper. Mail, magazines, notepads, fliers, receipts, bills, I just hate how papers make my house look, like a fricken pig sty. (If pigs rolled in magazines, ate paper, and pooped out receipts.)


So if I hate it so much then why do I let it control my life? I used to be so good at filing my papers away, up until about 4 years ago when I started my first accounting job which included filing banks statements, journal entries, and account recons. I did enough filing at work the last thing I wanted to do was file at home.


I used to get excited over filing. I loved making the new file folders using colorful markers to make decorative labels and making sure everything was in it's place. I still have a system in place but now it's just a chore.


So you think I'd try to minimize the incoming paper to my house right? Yeah I thought so too until I was offered free magazine subscriptions.


Did you see the key word there? FREE


I can't turn down anything free. I grew up going to garage sales with my dad learning the value of bartering for a bird cage just in case one day I decide to buy a bird, and if it's free?


No question, you take it.


So I jumped on that offer faster then David Letterman jumped on Stephanie Birkitt! I filled out a stupid survey (a small price to pay) and signed up for 4 free magazine subscriptions.


FOUR!


They started arriving last month. Do I read them? No. Do I save them? Yes. Will I ever read them? Probably not. So why the hell do I keep them if they are making my life miserable? Well, it's easy,


THEY WERE FREE GODDAMMIT!


Worst part is that none of the subscriptions offered were the good trashy celeb gossip kind like:















No, the 4 magazines that I am now stuck with for a WHOLE YEAR are:














They're all good right? Maybe. You know how you can tell if a magazine is good? A magazine worth taking a survey for?


If it contains crossword puzzles.


Four fricken magazines and not one crossword in sight.


What have I done?





So tell me, how do you control the paper coming into your home? What's your system?

Hungry is to Food as This Post is to Intelligence

Ok, remember when I told you about my flower beds and how the hubster totally ruined them by planting the tall flowers in the front and the short flowers in the back?

Well, you all told me not to worry, that once all the flowers started filling in that nobody would even notice my awkward flower beds.

Well thanks guys but you were wrong.

My flower beds still suck. Not only are the tall flowers awkwardly towering over the short flowers in the back, but they are growing sideways!



Sideways!


Seriously, I had a fabulous plan for these flowers to be planted in the back, all bunched together to avoid the lonely one plant awkwardness as shown below.




When turning into my driveway every day and seeing these hideous inept creatures I can't help but think how fitting it is for Al & I to have these flower beds in our yard.



Just like these flowers look out of place among the other flowers, Al & I are totally out of place in our neighborhood. Most of our neighbors just avoid us, they try not to look at us as we are driving through the neighborhood. Of course there are a few nice ones like our neighbors to the left of us, but for the most part nobody talks to us.


Our very next door neighbor especially goes out of his way to avoid us. When we were in-active members of the prominent religion in the neighborhood this neighbor was assigned to visit us every month. Instead of actually coming inside, he would just leave brownies on our doorstep (which were always disgusting), but that was fine by us. I think the day that he found out he no longer had to visit us was a huge relief for him, now he has no obligation to like us.


Then there's the dog hater neighbor who calls the cops on every single dog in the neighborhood. When we first moved in we thought it was just our dog that he was targeting but no, we found out that he is well known as the dog-hater dude.


He's retired and stays at home all day with nothing else to do but leave notes on our door and spy on our dogs. When Bain was alive he would call me and tell me exactly what dog was misbehaving and what their individual bark sounded like. I swear he would sit in his yard with binoculars and watch our dogs all day long.


Get a hobby dude.


Oh, and yelling at your wife is not a hobby. I swear they've got to be the two most miserable people. I have to fight the urge to take Dozer over to poop on his lawn.


And I'm not even going to get into the neighbor that came to visit us one day to tell us we were basically throwing our lives away and going to Hell. After Al had his say to this guy, he has never come back.


Thank God.


Living in our neighborhood reminds me of those stupid analogy questions on the SATs.


TALL AWKWARD EVIL FLOWERS are to THE FLOWER BED as POOBA & ALBERT are to THE NEIGHBORHOOD


But we've lived here seven years now and are pretty happy people so it must work for us.


Maybe those tall flowers aren't too bad after all.