Another Round of Thanks But No Thanks!

Last Thanksgiving while everyone was expressing what they were thankful for, I was expressing what I was NOT thankful for and now that the time of year is here again, I thought I'd add to my list!




So the following is a list of things that I am NOT thankful for:


Fake yawns to end a conversation.




People who flush swiffer pads down the toilet.





Those damn seals on new CD cases that are impossible to remove in one peice.





When someone holds the door open for you when you are like 10 feet away so you feel like you have to run so they can let go of the door.





Short bathroom stalls (Hello North Layton Jr High?!)





People who steal my friend's ipod from his car when it's parked in my driveway.


Bumper stickers that are too small to read.





The snow.


My rear wheel drive car.


My rear wheel drive car in the snow.





Couples who share an email address or facebook page.


MySpace





Loud breathers.


Dentists who ask you questions while their hands are in your mouth.





The fact that healthy food is always more expensive than junk food.


My legs.


Short tables.


My legs that don't fit under short tables.


Whiteheads.






Finding other people's pube hairs. Anywhere.





Creepy 50 year old men hitting on you.





Creepy 50 year old neighbors hitting on you.


Mom's who give their kids a mullet when they are too young to know any better.





What are YOU not thankful for?

Don't You Hate It When...

You think it's Friday only to realize it's only Thursday?



You have to pee so bad but the restroom is closed for cleaning?



Your plane crashes and your stuck on an island with a bunch of people only to realize that you're all dead?



People sit right next to you on a bus when there are plenty of other open seats?



You can't get that fillet fish song out of your head?



You wake up all sweaty? It's like "What the hell was I doing in my sleep?"



When you go to shake the bottle of salsa and then realize the lid wasn't screwed on?



When the inside of your ear itches and you just want to jam a pencil in your head?



When you call Lady Gaga and she's kinda busy?



When a song on your ipod plays a lot louder than all the other songs and it scares you half to death?



Your shoe squeaks and everyone thinks you farted?



When you sleep with your boss and don't get promoted?



You pour a bowl of cereal then realize there's no milk left?



People "drunk IM" you on facebook?



Restaurants only have Pepsi products?



You sneeze right after you put on mascara?



You're riding the elevator when someone farts and gets off, then the next person who gets in thinks it was you who farted?



People just assume that you play basketball because you are like 10 feet tall?



When your milkshake brings all the boys to your yard?



You get stuck behind a slow walker?



You forget your neighbors name but it's way too late to ask?



Radio stations play Sex and Candy?



You're about to say something important but then Kanye West butts in?



You pee on your tampon string?



Your DVR cuts off So You Think You Can Dance 10 minutes too soon?



When people complain about what they hate?

Are You Really Talking About The Weather?

It has been raining.


A lot.


Rain is so annoying, I mean you spend a good hour fixing your hair and makeup just right and then it's totally ruined the second you step outside. I guess that's what umbrellas were invented for huh?


Are umbrellas in or out? In Utah, it seems that if you use an umbrella it means that you are either a very high maintanance conceited person or an 80 year old grandma.


Or a very high maintanance conceited 80 year old grandma.


Maybe this is all in my head, I don't know. I'd like to use one but I really feel silly walking around with an umbrella. I'm paranoid about it. I know everyone who looks my way is all laughing at me inside their heads. Everyone is having such a good time at my expense I just know it. After I walk by they all buckle over in laughter and give each other high fives.





Then when you get inside, what the hell do you do with thing? It's this soaking wet mess so you can't just stuff it in your purse. Now you look even more ridiculous carrying around a dripping wet canopy in doors. This is when it stops being funny and people are just annoyed with you. You get "the eye" and if you stay really quiet, you can actually hear the cuss words under their breath.


Seriously, is it okay to have an umbrella or is it a fashion no-no? Am I really a high maintenance conceited 80 year old grandma for wanting to stay dry? And what type is better? I've seen grown women with hello kitty umbrella's, is that tacky?


You see? Why do I even worry about these things? Because I'm a high maintenance conceited 80 year old grandma.


Are you?






(There is, however, one kind of umbrella that I really don't mind):

Recycling Is Sexy

And I am SO not.







Recycling scares me.




It's very intimidating. It seems everyone these days knows how to recycle and it's the "in" thing to do. Well I've never been one of the "in" crowd and recycling is no exception.


Yes Nana, you were right, I don't know how to recycle. (Which reminds me, I've got like ten bags of magazines with your name on them.)


Let me explain.


I'm not a complete idiot, I know that you can recycle paper and cardboard and crap like that but what confuses me is which items go in which recycling bins? Can I put glass bottles and paper in the same recycling bin? What about pop cans?


The other day I saw a sign left on the recycling bin in the break room at work that said you can't throw paper towels in it.


What? I'm just so confused. And why are some green and some blue? Do the different colors mean something like green is for glass and blue is for paper? Can you recycle plastic bags? What about empty wine bottles? Empty tequila bottles?


Not that I drink tequila or anything like that, I'm just curious.


Ok, here is a little scenario for you:


So I'm in the break room holding my empty frozen meal box and wondering if I can put it in the big blue recycling bin.


This is what my mind does:


"Crap. Someone just walked in, now they're going to see me.


I am so screwed.


If I put it in the recycling bin and it's not supposed to go there, they'll think I'm an idiot. If I throw it in the trash can when it can go in the recycling bin they're going to think I'm an ignorant idiot. They would be correct in both cases but I don't want them to know that!


Maybe if I pretend to be getting a drink I can stall long enough for them to leave. Oh no! They just put something in the microwave for 3 minutes! I have to stall for 3 minutes!"


My heart starts pounding and just as I reach for a cup, the the person decides to leave the room while his food is cooking.


"Oh thank God!" I throw the box in the recycling bin and make a mad dash for the door.





Jeebus I need some Xanax just so I can recycle!


Oh, and what about dirty stuff? Like paper plates with food stuck on it, can you stick that in the recycling bin?


And what the hell is composting? Why would anyone in they're right mind want to keep rotten food?


Is it really this hard to be environmental conscious?

Permission For An Ass Kickin

Will someone please come and kick my ass?


I'm in desperate need of some motivation right now.


*When I originally wrote the first sentence of this post I accidentally wrote kiss instead of kick. I guess either one would work.

Thanks so much.

I Like Boys Who Like Boys

Well it was nice to sleep in my own bed last night after I've been away for work in a nice little mining town in Nevada. Sounds exciting no? Well the highlight was hanging out with my drunk bosses at the hotel casino. Drunk bosses are the best bosses, very entertaining and you definitely learn a lot!


Good times.


I'm pretty sure I got all the smoke smell out of my hair now so I'm no longer a walking cigarette. Gotta love the casinos.


Anyway....


This morning I heard this story on the radio and it made me so sad and so mad at the same time. I looked it up online to check it out for myself and I still can't believe it.


Two elderly men, Clay and Harold, have been partners for 20 years. Though they were never married, they had all their legal paperwork in place naming the other for such things as beneficiaries, medical decisions, etc.


Harold, 88, fell down the stairs in front of the men's home and was taken to the hospital. The hospital workers refused to let Clay, 77, to see Harold at all when legally he should have been the first person consulted about Harold's health.


That right there pissed me off, but here's the sad part. While Harold was in the hospital, the county fought for conservatorship of their estate, saying that Clay was just his "roommate"! The court only allowed the county limited access, but the county was able to take their home, their vehicles, and all their assets!


Not only that but the county put Clay in a nursing home against his will and denied his requests to see his partner. After three months of this separation, Harold died! Clay was never allowed to see Harold before he died! They've been together 20 years!


Can you believe that? The only thing Harold has left is one photo album.


ONE. PHOTO. ALBUM.


Clay was finally released from the nursing home, thanks to his lawyer, but as of yesterday, he has not been able to get back any of his possessions that the county just auctioned off!


Can you imagine losing your partner and everything the two have you have owned together? Everything that reminds you of them? It just makes me sick. Seriously, what is wrong with giving gay and lesbian couples the same rights as straight married couples?


Aaaaarrrrggghhhh! It makes me so mad that people get treated like this, what is this world coming to?

Thanks But No Thanks

During this season of Thankfulness I thought I'd share my list of things that I am NOT thankful for. These things MUST GO!

-Walmart


-Yard Sale signs that say "Huge Yard Sale Today!" that have been up for weeks. Take your signs down people! Unless you want me showing up on your front porch every day ready to barter with you.


-When you take the tinfoil lid off of the yogurt and it explodes all over your shirt. I heard this doesn't happen in California, is that true?


-When walking on a busy sidewalk or hallway and the person walking in front of you suddenly stops and causes you to run into them which then causes the person behind you to run into you. Don't mess with my momentum!


-Guys with long fingernails. Ew.


-Fast food places that charge for extra sauces.


-Getting into an empty elevator that someone just farted in so when the next person gets in, they think it was you who farted.


-Those homemade signs that say "If you're not making $30,000 a month, call me!". Pretty sure if you made more than $30k a month that you could afford a better sign then that of used cardboard and a magic marker.


-Mary Murphy












-Paige Davis
















-Clerks at the cash register that ask "Did you find everything okay?" When I say "No, I didn't", they just stare blankly at me. If you really didn't want to know then why did you ask?


-When clerks give you your change back and put the bills in your hands first and then try to put the change on top of the bills. Give me the change first unless you want to be the one picking up all that change after it falls on the floor.


-Chronic diseases.


-People who steal my Diet Dr. Pepper out of the fridge at work. You owe me 75 cents.


-The people who ring the bell in front of grocery stores at Christmas time.


-Talking on the phone.


-Pants that don't come in tall sizes.


-When people try to talk to you when you have headphones on.


-Blowing your nose at the dinner table or anywhere else besides the bathroom.



-People who ask me how I'm doing and when I reply "fine" they say "No, how are you REALLY doing?"


-Anyone that goes to work or church with their hair still wet.


-Checkout clerks that comment on the items you buy. Yes I AM buying KY jelly and ass cream, you got a problem with that?


-People who say & spell expecially instead of especially.


-When your shoe rubs on the floor and makes a farting sound.


-Farting.

What are YOU not thankful for?

Dear Rob, Jesus Hates You

Rob, I thought you were better then this. Seriously, was this a joke?


Because I didn't find it very funny. The only reason I rented this movie was because YOU were in it. I thought, Hey look, he's even pale in this movie too so it'll be just like watching Edward so it's gotta be good right?


Oh Rob, can't you see that this movie was just amateur-ish (word) and so bad that it was funny? I had to stifle my laugh to avoid hurting your precious feelings. I'm for real. I was covering my mouth and my face was so red that Dozer thought I was dying. You almost gave my dog a heart attack.


WTF?


Whoever made this movie should be spanked. No, they should be shot.


Shot and killed.


Seriously, what were you thinking? I know this was made almost 5 years ago so it technically was pre-twilight, but for us here in the United States, where we actually prefer our actors to ACT in their movies, it was just released this year so we expected magic. But no, now I'm scarred Rob,


SCARRED.


Now how do you expect me to watch New Moon this Friday and still take you seriously? I don't know if I can do it. Luckily for you your character is absent for the majority of the film, or at least should be according to the book.


I'm sorry but I think this means it's over between us.


I am SO team Jacob now and Edward can thank YOU for that.





Even Jesus is mad at you.


Repent Rob, REPENT!

Picutre. It's French for Picture.

Why didn't anyone tell me that I misspelled the word "picture" under the Enjoying section on my sidebar?


That's like not telling someone they have spinach in their teeth.


I thought we were better friends than that.

What Happened To Real Life?

I wanna be a real adult in a real-life neighborhood with real-life friends.


Like the adults in Desperate Housewives. They have neighborhood parties, they chat with each other while getting their mail, the women gossip over wine in the evenings while their husbands put the kids to bed. They have neighbors who try to kill other neighbors, neighbors with dirty secrets and best of all, every single person in the neighborhood is beautiful. You know what I'm talking about, real adult life!


I want that.


I want to be that party hostess who throws the best Halloween party that everyone looks forward to every year. Just like Bree, I SO want to be Bree.

Not the new Bree that robs her own house so that she can divorce her husband without losing half of her belongings and not the Bree who cheats on her husband with her best friend's ex at a dirty motel.


No, I'm talking about the old alcoholic, anal retentive Bree. Can you imagine what her Halloween parties would be like? Amazing!


Every year when Halloween comes around I get this yearning to dress up. I love Halloween so much I have to refrain myself from kidnapping a child just so I can take him trick or treating. I have a feeling if a 5'10 & 1/2" ghost showed up on someone's porch yelling "trick or treat!" that it would not last 10 seconds before getting punched in the white face.


I just can't take that risk.


And every year I get this craving to host a Halloween party, with extravagant spooky decorations, wine and cocktails, and yes, FINGER FOODS! But then every year I realize that I am missing the main ingredient for a killer Halloween party.




People.


You need people to show up in order for the party to be a success. People who are willing to dress up, people who are willing to let loose, people who don't mind a little spiked cider, people who are willing to put up with my husband.


There are no such people in Utah. Where's the real adult life? Does it even exist?


Are you a real adult in a real-life neighborhood with real-life friends that like to have real adult Halloween parties?


Can I come?

This spooky shit was brought to you by prompt #1 of this weeks writer's workshop.

Magazine Hell

One thing I hate and have a serious problem with is paper. I hate paper. Mail, magazines, notepads, fliers, receipts, bills, I just hate how papers make my house look, like a fricken pig sty. (If pigs rolled in magazines, ate paper, and pooped out receipts.)


So if I hate it so much then why do I let it control my life? I used to be so good at filing my papers away, up until about 4 years ago when I started my first accounting job which included filing banks statements, journal entries, and account recons. I did enough filing at work the last thing I wanted to do was file at home.


I used to get excited over filing. I loved making the new file folders using colorful markers to make decorative labels and making sure everything was in it's place. I still have a system in place but now it's just a chore.


So you think I'd try to minimize the incoming paper to my house right? Yeah I thought so too until I was offered free magazine subscriptions.


Did you see the key word there? FREE


I can't turn down anything free. I grew up going to garage sales with my dad learning the value of bartering for a bird cage just in case one day I decide to buy a bird, and if it's free?


No question, you take it.


So I jumped on that offer faster then David Letterman jumped on Stephanie Birkitt! I filled out a stupid survey (a small price to pay) and signed up for 4 free magazine subscriptions.


FOUR!


They started arriving last month. Do I read them? No. Do I save them? Yes. Will I ever read them? Probably not. So why the hell do I keep them if they are making my life miserable? Well, it's easy,


THEY WERE FREE GODDAMMIT!


Worst part is that none of the subscriptions offered were the good trashy celeb gossip kind like:















No, the 4 magazines that I am now stuck with for a WHOLE YEAR are:














They're all good right? Maybe. You know how you can tell if a magazine is good? A magazine worth taking a survey for?


If it contains crossword puzzles.


Four fricken magazines and not one crossword in sight.


What have I done?





So tell me, how do you control the paper coming into your home? What's your system?

Hungry is to Food as This Post is to Intelligence

Ok, remember when I told you about my flower beds and how the hubster totally ruined them by planting the tall flowers in the front and the short flowers in the back?

Well, you all told me not to worry, that once all the flowers started filling in that nobody would even notice my awkward flower beds.

Well thanks guys but you were wrong.

My flower beds still suck. Not only are the tall flowers awkwardly towering over the short flowers in the back, but they are growing sideways!



Sideways!


Seriously, I had a fabulous plan for these flowers to be planted in the back, all bunched together to avoid the lonely one plant awkwardness as shown below.




When turning into my driveway every day and seeing these hideous inept creatures I can't help but think how fitting it is for Al & I to have these flower beds in our yard.



Just like these flowers look out of place among the other flowers, Al & I are totally out of place in our neighborhood. Most of our neighbors just avoid us, they try not to look at us as we are driving through the neighborhood. Of course there are a few nice ones like our neighbors to the left of us, but for the most part nobody talks to us.


Our very next door neighbor especially goes out of his way to avoid us. When we were in-active members of the prominent religion in the neighborhood this neighbor was assigned to visit us every month. Instead of actually coming inside, he would just leave brownies on our doorstep (which were always disgusting), but that was fine by us. I think the day that he found out he no longer had to visit us was a huge relief for him, now he has no obligation to like us.


Then there's the dog hater neighbor who calls the cops on every single dog in the neighborhood. When we first moved in we thought it was just our dog that he was targeting but no, we found out that he is well known as the dog-hater dude.


He's retired and stays at home all day with nothing else to do but leave notes on our door and spy on our dogs. When Bain was alive he would call me and tell me exactly what dog was misbehaving and what their individual bark sounded like. I swear he would sit in his yard with binoculars and watch our dogs all day long.


Get a hobby dude.


Oh, and yelling at your wife is not a hobby. I swear they've got to be the two most miserable people. I have to fight the urge to take Dozer over to poop on his lawn.


And I'm not even going to get into the neighbor that came to visit us one day to tell us we were basically throwing our lives away and going to Hell. After Al had his say to this guy, he has never come back.


Thank God.


Living in our neighborhood reminds me of those stupid analogy questions on the SATs.


TALL AWKWARD EVIL FLOWERS are to THE FLOWER BED as POOBA & ALBERT are to THE NEIGHBORHOOD


But we've lived here seven years now and are pretty happy people so it must work for us.


Maybe those tall flowers aren't too bad after all.