How to Pose For the Perfect Photograph

1. Make sure you look directly at the camera.





2. Hold your pose perfectly. Concentration is key, try not to make any sudden movements.





3. Make sure you hold the perfect smile as long as possible, don't be afraid to show your teeth.





4. Keep your eyes open!





5. Be aware of your hands, keep your hands to your sides as to avoid any awkward positioning. You don't want your hands to be the focus of the photo.





6. Be careful of the position of your head, you don't want to get a complete profile shot.





7. Make sure your hair and makeup are flawless, the worst thing you can do is have a photograph with your hair hiding your face.





8. Don't forget to act natural!

That Which Shall Not Be Mentioned

Just thought I'd put this out there.


Mostly for my family and friends who are confused as to why I left the church (LDS church, you know the mormons?). I may write more and stick it on a page somewhere in this lil ol blog for those who care to read it, but for now, I found this website that explains EXACTLY why I left the church.


I have done so much research on this subject (the foundation of the church) from both Mormon and Non-Mormon historians that when I came across this website it felt like I was reading my own writing.


Before I post what I believe about the church, I want to post a link to the official LDS Website just so you can have information from both views.


So, for anyone who is curious as to why I left "the church", here is the website:


20 Truths About Mormonism

Here's the rundown with links to each section:

1. False Translation of Book of Abraham

2. Kinderhook Plates Proclaimed Ancient Records by Joseph

3. Joseph's Plagiarism in Book of Mormon and Other Revelations

4. Polygamy and Joseph's Many Wives

5. Emotionality as Evidence

6. Changing Doctrine Over Time

7. False Prophecies by Joseph

8. Lying for the Lord

9. Joseph's Use of the Seer Stone to Find Treasure

10. Blood Atonement Preached and Enforced

11. Joseph's Vain Ambitions




12. Defections of Church Leaders and Scholars

13. Substantial Changes to Book Of Mormon in subsequent Editions

14. Unrealistic Population Growth in Book of Mormon

15. Genetic Evidence Discounts that Native Americans Descended from Jews

16. Critics Squelched - "Pay No Attention to that Man Behind the Curtain!"

17. Church Prejudice Against Blacks

18. Was it Nephi or Moroni?

19. No Archaeological Evidence for Book of Mormon

20. Contradictory Versions of First Vision


If you do check out the website, feel free to let me know what you think. Whether you agree, disagree or missagree (Oh yeah, that's a word) I love hearing other thoughts and beliefs.


Okay, so even if you don't check out the website, what's your opinion on religion?


Do you believe in Religion? Do you believe in God?


Oh yeah, I went there.

Kindle Schmindle or Kindle Foshizzle?

I got a kindle from my company for Christmas.



I haven't opened it yet.


I've never been quite sure if I'd like a kindle or not. I love the fresh smell of a brand new book and keeping them on the shelf.


Doesn't it start to hurt your eyes after a while? I'm already on a computer all day guys. I mean come on, I don't think my eyeballs can take anymore computer time after looking at porn all day. What?


So what do you think, Kindle good or Kindle bad?

Sexy time!

No really, I'm serious, it's about to get really sexy on this blog so brace yourselves. If you can make it through to the end, you may be rewarded for your effort!


But if your name is MOM or DAD, stop reading. Right now. (Actually maybe MOM can read since she's gettin hitched soon...)


Back to the sexiness. All women need to feel sexy. Yes, every single one of you! And dudes too, I guess, I mean I'm sure they need to feel sexy but for some reason I think they'd rather have a sexy lady than to actually be sexy themselves. I don't know about you but this type of "sexiness" does not turn me on...





Well maybe except for the bottom right, that blonde hair/brown beard has got to drive the women wild! Okay now that you all have that image stuck in your heads...let's move on.


I'm talkin about Eden Fantasys people. The hottest online company out there (and by hottest I mean sexiest), they have something for everyone. (Even MOM. Ew. I did NOT just say that.)





They have lingerie, sex toys (NOT for you MOM), sensual lotions, yummy smelling candles and anything else that you need to set the mood. If you check out their website you'll see what I'm talkin bout, the selection is HUGE! (I could SO put a pun in there but since this is a family blog, I'll reframe myself. You don't know how HARD that was for me. Hee hee okay I'll stop now.)


So what I'm trying to tell you is that I love Eden Fantasys, and I'm not just saying that to get free stuff. (Although I did get to try out a product and no, I am not going to tell you which one it was!) And as you know, I am just constantly thinking of others so I wanted to let one of you lucky hotties check out Eden Fantasys for yourself so I've got a $25 gift card for you!


Yeah, the queen of entering giveaways is actually doing one of her own. Well, one that doesn't involve me getting rid of junk around my house. (Totally kidding, those of you who have won one of my giveaways knows it's only the highest quality products. From Dollar Tree.)


So let's get this party started! Since this is a sponsered giveaway there is one rule that you have to do in order to enter:


Tell me what your favorite sex position is.


Hahaha! Totally kidding. Just leave me a comment to let me know you want to enter. (Please don't tell me your favorite sex position. Well, unless you really want to but it's not gonna win you extra points, just so ya know. And for the love of God MOM, PLEASE don't answer!)


You can enter as many times as you want but if you want God to smile down on you, you can follow Eden Fantasys on twitter and become a fan of their facebook page.


So are you completely confused? Let me spell it out for you:


Rules:
1. To enter, leave a comment.
2. You can enter as many times as you like.
3. For extra blessing in your life you can check out Eden Fantasys on twitter or facebook.
4. Contest ends on July 27th.


And if you really want to decrease your chances of winning, go ahead and blog about it too!


You ready? 5 - 6 - 7 - 8!


(That's your queue to start commenting. Sorry it's a drill team thing.)

Are You Really Talking About The Weather?

It has been raining.


A lot.


Rain is so annoying, I mean you spend a good hour fixing your hair and makeup just right and then it's totally ruined the second you step outside. I guess that's what umbrellas were invented for huh?


Are umbrellas in or out? In Utah, it seems that if you use an umbrella it means that you are either a very high maintanance conceited person or an 80 year old grandma.


Or a very high maintanance conceited 80 year old grandma.


Maybe this is all in my head, I don't know. I'd like to use one but I really feel silly walking around with an umbrella. I'm paranoid about it. I know everyone who looks my way is all laughing at me inside their heads. Everyone is having such a good time at my expense I just know it. After I walk by they all buckle over in laughter and give each other high fives.





Then when you get inside, what the hell do you do with thing? It's this soaking wet mess so you can't just stuff it in your purse. Now you look even more ridiculous carrying around a dripping wet canopy in doors. This is when it stops being funny and people are just annoyed with you. You get "the eye" and if you stay really quiet, you can actually hear the cuss words under their breath.


Seriously, is it okay to have an umbrella or is it a fashion no-no? Am I really a high maintenance conceited 80 year old grandma for wanting to stay dry? And what type is better? I've seen grown women with hello kitty umbrella's, is that tacky?


You see? Why do I even worry about these things? Because I'm a high maintenance conceited 80 year old grandma.


Are you?






(There is, however, one kind of umbrella that I really don't mind):

My Pouchee

No, I don't mean pouchee as in the belly fat hanging over my pants. This is something completely different, and a lot more fun to talk about (and look at).


Okay everyone, your house isn't the only thing that needs Spring cleaning. I dare all of you out there to take a look into your purse, I bet there's a million receipts, makeup, cadburry eggs, and keys. Okay maybe the Cadburry egg is just me, but just admit it, your purse is unorganized.


I'm ashamed to say that mine was too so I did a little purse Spring cleaning with my new best friend,


The Pouchee!





Okay, check this out, the pouchee is a purse organizer where you can keep all of your purse necessities neatly organized so you can always find what you're looking for. Plus, when the mood strikes you to change your purse, the pouchee transfers easily from purse to purse.


I chose the Evening Plum Outback Pouchee, isn't it purdy?





Check out all the crap you can fit nicely into the cute little pouchee. It has a spot for everything! Plus pouchee is just really fun to say.







I could even fit a couple cadburry eggs in there too because you'll never know when you'll need a cadburry egg.


You want pouchee? Well you can havee!


Pouchee is offering their first online discount coupon that gives you 10% off your entire order, you know, because you'll probably have to buy 10 of these to share with your friends. So here is the secret code to get your savings:


poucheemom


So go check them out, they come in all sorts of colors and materials to fit any one's style.


Pouchee Purse Organizer


They even have pouchees for the consoles in your car and the pouchee plus! You can also find them on facebook where they keep you up to date on new deals and giveaways.














The nice peeps at Pouchee gave me my very own Pouchee to try out. I didn't recieve any other form of compensation and this post is based on my own opinion.

Me heart pouchee peeps.

I Cannot Brain Today, I Have The Dumb

Thought:
I propose a new law for the color black. Only one shade of the color black should be allowed, no variations. That way, you can buy black pants at one store and a black jacket at another store and they are guaranteed to match. There will be a test that every black color has to take and if the color does not pass, it cannot be called black.

Brilliant, I know.




Thought:
Facebook needs to have a "dislike" button, not just the "like" button.




Thought:
Why are there scuff marks on the toilet seats where I work?





Fact:
When I was little, my favorite thing to do was to press my palms against my eyes and hold them there until I could see crazy moving designs and colors in the back of my eyelids. I probably damaged my eye sight a great deal doing that.

And my brain.




Thought:
Why must people come into my office, fart, and then leave pretending like they didn't just leave a huge stink bomb hovering over my head?







Fact:
I always thought that in Prince's song "Little Red Corvette" it said "livin on up" instead of "little red corvette" in the chorus. I just found this out last year.


Listen Here.



Thought:
I hate it when people pronounce the word "our" as "are".




Thought:
I hate that dried crusty milk on top of the milk jug. Especially when it falls into my cereal.




Fact:
No matter what emotion I am feeling, it always brings tears to my eyes.


Happy? Tears.
Sad? Tears.
Mad? Tears.
Excited? Tears.







Will someone please tell my tear ducts to shut the hell up?

Observations From A Candy Dish

Is anyone else in love with these?

I'm truly amazed that I am not grossed out by the fact that eating one of these simulates eating a raw egg.



Check out the insides, there's yellow yolk and everything.







I mean, that's a future baby chick folks. You're eating a future baby chick! How does that not gross people out?



I don't know why but I love them, especially when the insides are extra runny. The more it resembles a real egg, the better. Why is that NOT disturbing to me?



Oh, and don't get me started on these:







These are TO. DIE. FOR.



I like to keep a little candy dish on top of my desk at work. I try to change my candy bowl to match each season of the year so right now, being the season of Easter Bunnies & eggs, I have a darling pink Easter basket full of pastel colored candy.







And as a bonus I have to have a small bowl of the mini cadburry eggs on my desk at all times.







This is the only way I can get people to come visit me. You see, I like to pretend I'm popular, but really everyone knows the only reason I get visitors is because of my candy dish. It's actually pretty funny how people feel like they need an excuse to come into my office when their sole purpose is to satisfy their nagging sweet tooth.



"Um hey, so, uh...doooo you know where Matt is?" A coworker stammers, making the words up on the spot.



"Why no, I don't know where Matt is but hey! While you're here, why don't you have some candy?" I reply, not taking my eyes off of my computer screen.



"Well, since you asked..." He grins as he partakes.



Dude, why would I know where Matt is? Wait, who the hell is Matt? Does a Matt even work here?



And then there's the people that come and steal handfuls of candy at a time and say the same joke every time they do so.



"You are in so much trouble. Darnit, you're doin it again, you're just trying to make us all fat!" A coworker says while filling his pockets with chocolate.



"Ha ha ha. Yep, you got me. That's my evil plan." I reply. For the hundredth time.



And then there's the big boss dude. You know, the boss of your bosses boss? He comes to browse through my selection but never takes anything. For the life of me I can't figure out what kind of candy this man likes! My ultimate goal is to please him.



Seriously, every time I buy candy I stand in the grocery isle staring at the array of bright colored bags of sugar thinking...hmmmm...what would big boss dude like?



I have yet to figure this out and every time I ask him what he would prefer, all he says is "Oh I like anything!"



No. Obviously you don't, because you never take anything. Come on big boss dude, I feel like a failure here!



Oh, and if I am absent for a day from work?



Forget about it.



The candy is gone when I come back the next day. It's amazing how fast the candy can go when there's nobody in the office to notice that you've already taken 10 handfuls.



It just makes me laugh. I really don't care how much candy you take, that's what the candy is there for! Oh people, they always feel like they need to justify themselves.



And then there's me.



I make absolutely sure that nobody is anywhere near the proximity of my office before I snag a piece of candy FROM MY OWN STASH.

Pooba's Guide To Surviving Your Colonoscopy

Follow these easy steps to make your butt hole invasion as painless as possible!

Day 1: (Also known as Preparation-For-Hell Day)

Binge - like you've never binged before, but please, no purging. Eat the biggest meal possible for dinner. Think of it as your last meal before you are sent off for execution. Because on Day 2, you will only be aloud a liquid diet. You don't want to start the day off starving do you? No, STUFF. YOUR. FACE.



Stock up - Fill your fridge and cupboards with the following:

• Jello - The best liquid that helps you feel full, I suggest jigglers which you can make on Day 1 or the morning of Day 2.

• Popsicles - Mmmmm, who doesn't like popsicles?

• Broth - Clear broth, using water and bullion. This is great for your lunch and dinner, it tricks your belly into thinking it has actually eaten something of substance, when in fact you've only eaten flavored water.

• Juice - Cranberry, Apple, Gatorade, Pop, anything clear that you can SEE THROUGH but nothing that contains red dye. Did you know the inside of your colon is a reddish pink color? How can the violating Doc find anything if your insides are all the same color? Common sense people.

• Water - I like water bottles, that way you can have one at your side all day long. Plus you can help destroy our earth by not recycling them.

• Tea or coffee. Sugar, but NO CREAM! WARNING: Too much green tea on an empty stomach leads to involuntary praying to the porcelain God. Tea in moderation people. Moderation is key.

• Medications: Make sure you've purchased your assigned medications! (Please buy your laxative in pill form, don't make the mistake of buying suppositories, your butt hole has enough abuse coming, no need to add more.)

• Baby wipes - You will be pooping all day on Day 2, you don't want a raw inflamed butt hole do you? The answer is No. Not only is it embarrassing, but it hurts like a mother to stick a huge tube through it. Baby wipes are a must.



Moviefy - Rent a butt load (pun intended, I'm a dork. Word.) of movies. You will be stuck home for two days straight, I recommend having 7-8 movies on hand.





Day 2: (Also known as Kill-Me-Now-This-Is-Hell-On-Earth Day)



Home is where your butt is - Never, I repeat, Never leave the house during Day 2. You don't want to be the poor sap walking down the grocery isle smelling of dung do you? The answer is no, you don't.



Just say no - Whatever you do, do not use Fleet Soda as your cleansing agent. Use MiraLax. Unlike Fleet, MiraLax is not saltier than the Salt Lake, and it doesn't instigate an immediate gag reflex. MiraLax also prevents you from puking your intestines out for the rest of the day. And mix your MiraLax with Gatorade, there will be a light change in flavor but hardly noticeable at all. Yummy.



If you have to say yes, be smart - If you have to use Fleet, do not mix it with your favorite drink. If you do, you will never want that drink again. The fleet will ruin it for you. Just like how you can't eat hot dogs because you threw them up when you were a kid, it is the same concept. (If your doctor actually recommends fleet, I would turn and run as far away as possible. Fleet recently had a recall and is now in the middle of a law suit. See? Told you it was bad.)



Liquify - Drink as much liquid as possible.



Watchify - Watch your butt load of movies.



Make your bed and lie in it - You may want to make yourself a bed in your bathtub or somewhere near the toilet. Remember, you can never be too safe, your bed will need protection. Whether it be towells, a tarp, or your husband's favorite shirt, you always need protection. Don't you remember your sex-ed class?



Revert back to your infant self - You must wear a diaper to bed. Those all night maxi pads will work too. Your poop is going to be just like water and it's gonna come out whether you're ready for it or not. Trust me.






Day 3: (Or what I like to call Still-Like-Hell-But-A-Little-Better-Because-You-Get-Some-Really-Good-Drugs Day)


Be an early bird - Make sure your colonoscopy appointment is at the earliest hour possible. When you wake up, you will be dehydrated, exhausted, and starving. Why prolong it?


Bring your own lifeline - Make sure you wear socks to the hospital. You will have to get naky for everything below the waist except for your socks, they will be your lifeline, your comfort. Think of them as your teddy bear or baby blanket, a sense of home in a strange place.



Avoid eye contact - Avoid eye contact in the waiting room. Everyone is there to have their butt hole violated just like you, so nobody wants to chat. The waiting room is not a place to make friends or to hit on that hot guy sitting next to you for remember, he too will soon be violated. Butt holes should not be a conversation starter people!



Follow the buddy system - Take your spouse, or a friend with you. Not only will they have to drive you home afterwards, but they will need to be there to listen to the doctor. You will still be incoherent when she comes in to show you the beautiful pictures of your shiny diseased colon. (That was for you Justine)



Never fear the farting room - Everyone must fart before they are allowed to leave. Just like the waiting room, avoid eye contact. But really you have nothing to worry about because you will still be high on the butt drugs. Enjoy your loopy time while you've still got it.



Butt drugs are good - Drugs are the only benefit of your colonoscopy so take advantage of your loopy time. Say something to embarrass your husband. For example, when the doctor is in the room say,

"Maybe my butt hole is diseased because I let my husband in the back door last night".

Yep, that'll do it. He can't get mad. After all, you were under the influence and are likely not remember said comment anyway.



Restify - Sleep.



Watchify - Finish your butt load of movies



Pride - Hang the pictures of your colon on your fridge. Similar to hanging your college degree on your wall, people will be impressed.


Be proud of what you've accomplished!

Now YOU Can Thank God I'm A Sucker (Yes, This Is A Giveaway)

Two days before Christmas, I had to venture to the ghastly mall to pick up a few last minute gifts. You all know I hate shopping so this was a big deal for me and I was dreading the mall.

So there I was, minding my own business when some little woman with a beret and an accent asks me to hold out my hand for her. Ummm, I'm thinking, I'll just humor her but I'm not buying anything. This has happened to me many times before so I am now prepared for this type of situation.

So she starts filing my fingernail while she's talking a mile a minute telling that what she is doing is going to change my life. Finally she finishes and she asks,

"Are you ready to be amazed?"

She was dead serious, at first I kind of giggled because, hello? She was a walking infomercial. But she didn't laugh, she just looked at me anxiously waiting for my reply so I said,

"Um, yes?"

Then she lets go of my hand and I look down at the fingernail she had worked her magic on and behold, it was beautiful! The surface was smooth and I almost had to shield my eyes from the shine that glared back at me.

And yes, I was amazed.

She then asked me to try it myself so she walked me through it and in a couple of seconds I was done. Before I was able to look at the nail she grabbed my hand and asked,

"Now are you ready to amaze yourself?"

By this point I was totally mesmerized by her so I firmly said "Yes!" And she removed her hand from mine and behold, I performed the same miracle that she had performed just seconds before.

My nails were brilliant.

Then she told me that they would look that way for two weeks.

Two weeks!

Finally I just asked her the price. She started explaining about all the secret crap that they use to make it and blah blah blah, the kits were $59.99 a piece.

What? No way, I know when I'm getting ripped off and I'm not spending 60 bucks on some nail kit. She sees the excitement drain right out of my face so before I could say no, she throws out her lifesaver.

"Well, how about I throw in a second one for free? You get two for the price of one!" She exclaimed.

And then it was over.

"OK! Why not!?" The words left my lips before I even realized what was happening.

She got me. I was suckered once again. Albert is going to kill me! I thought, but I let her ring me up and I went on my merry way.

But I have to tell you, I LOVE this kit!! It comes with the buffer, a nail file, cuticle oil and lotion. When I got home that day I used it on all my nails and guess what? They are still shiny and smooth as I type this today!

But now I have an extra one that's been sitting on my dresser for weeks now and I've been trying to figure out who to give it to. I have two sisters so I can't just give it to one of them because the other one would most likely murder me and then knock the other sister out to grab the kit and run.

So, the only solution is to give it away. And what better people to give it to then YOU!?

Behold, Seacret Minerals From the Dead Sea NailCare Collection:

You want it? Just leave me a comment to enter! The contest will end Tuesday 1/19/10 at Midnight MST.

You can enter as many times as you want!

Anyone can enter, but if you are anonymous or don't have your email set up in your blogger profile, then please leave me your email address so I can notify you if you win.

Ready, set, go!

Jealousy Is As Sweet As Native Honey

I guarantee you will be jealous by the time you finish reading this post.


Looky what I got!





Oh yeah, you remember when I told you about Native Honey? Well yesterday I got an original Native Honey purse of my very own! I don't mean to rub it in your face but look how cute it is?





You want one don't you?


Well Native Honey now has a kiosk open at the Fashion Place Mall in Murray Utah where you get to physically pick out your favorite handbag in person. And of course now is the perfect time to buy two (one for you and the second for me) because they are going on sale!


Starting Thanksgiving night all purses will be going on sale to 20% off WHOLESALE PRICES.


No joke. I wouldn't joke about this. The 20% sale goes from Thursday 11/25 through Sunday 11/29 and after that the handbags will be sold at WHOLESALE PRICES through Christmas!


So go check out their kiosk now before they are all gone. There is a cute girl there who is happy to help you choose the best one for you. And if you're like me (the most indecisive person in the world) you can do what I did and make her decide for you.


And of course I'm happy with "my" choice!



Ok so I realize not everyone lives in Utah. (I know, I bout died when I found out too) So if you are outside of Utah and really want one I'd be happy to go pick it up for you. And that is a big favor because it means I'll have to STEP. FOOT. INTO. A. SHOPPING. ESTABLISHMENT.


Yeah, they're that spectacular.



              The Candor:                      The Tumbleweed Canvas:










              The Original:                    The Tumbleweed Leather:









The pictures do not do them justice. I mean these purses are not kidding people, they are so well made the quality is impeccable. I wish I could hand it to you through the screen so you can see for yourself. (And to actually rub it into your face.)


I could go on and on about my new purse but I'll spare you my squealing.


Jealous?


Cure: A Native Honey Handbag!




Just sayin.

Team Eerie Nipple Guy? Palease.

I did it.


I saw New Moon. As I'm sure everyone else in the world did, and I'm going to blog about it. As I'm sure everyone else in the world is too.


I'm a follower, not a leader and I'm okay with that.


Now excuse me while I get my "Kate Gosselin" on and conduct my own interview by answering my own questions.


1. Did I like it? Yes.

2. Did I like it better than Twilight? Yes.

3. Do I think Edward has weird nipples? Yes.

4. Do I think Jacob has weird nipples? Hell No.

5. Did I like Jacob's wig? No.

6. Do I think that Jacob is beautiful and should be added to my "To Do" list? Yes.

7. Do I think that Jacob has a secret crush on me and is totally going to blow off Bella to come take me away to a secret house on the beach to spend many romantic nights staring into the sunset while professing his undying love for me? Hell Yes.

8. Do I think the hubster is okay with that? Of course.


Ok, raise your hand if you DID NOT switch to team Jacob after seeing that movie? You better not have your hand up.


Put your hand down DeAnna!


Edward is creepy, did you see his nipples? One is totally bigger than the other, how can you be pro eerie nipples?



If you had a choice between that and this:



Would you really choose eerie nipple guy? Didn't think so.


Still not convinced?! Okay lets compare.




















And...



















Okay, now that we are all on the same team, let's continue.


Bella was not so annoying in New Moon as she was in Twilight. There was far less tourettish blinking and twitching, however I'm pretty sick of seeing her lazy eye. I bet out of the 2 hour film, 1 1/2 hours were spent pausing 2 inches away from her face. I wanted to tape her eyelid to her eyebrow so it would open all the way.


I can't stand it when things aren't even. (Hence my nipple issue.)


After Edward left I don't think the movie portrayed her depression accurately. She just looked tired, that's all. And filming her in a chair staring out the window while the camera rotates around her to indicate the changing of seasons does not sit well with me.


And actually counting down the months on screen, October, November, December...come on people, you could come up with something better than that to show the passage of time.


Just sayin.


Bella's dad? LOVE HIM. I think they got his character right on.


Buggin:
Vampire eyes, can we please choose a little more subtle contact lens next time? That combined with the awful vampire makeup was over the top.


Don't you know the humans are not supposed to realize that the Cullins are vampires? Either the humans in this movie were just blind or they're all dumb asses not to realize they are surrounded by undead blood sucking vampires.


F'real.


And I'm not sure why Dakota Fanning was even in this movie.


That is all.


















Word.