What Happened To Real Life?

I wanna be a real adult in a real-life neighborhood with real-life friends.


Like the adults in Desperate Housewives. They have neighborhood parties, they chat with each other while getting their mail, the women gossip over wine in the evenings while their husbands put the kids to bed. They have neighbors who try to kill other neighbors, neighbors with dirty secrets and best of all, every single person in the neighborhood is beautiful. You know what I'm talking about, real adult life!


I want that.


I want to be that party hostess who throws the best Halloween party that everyone looks forward to every year. Just like Bree, I SO want to be Bree.

Not the new Bree that robs her own house so that she can divorce her husband without losing half of her belongings and not the Bree who cheats on her husband with her best friend's ex at a dirty motel.


No, I'm talking about the old alcoholic, anal retentive Bree. Can you imagine what her Halloween parties would be like? Amazing!


Every year when Halloween comes around I get this yearning to dress up. I love Halloween so much I have to refrain myself from kidnapping a child just so I can take him trick or treating. I have a feeling if a 5'10 & 1/2" ghost showed up on someone's porch yelling "trick or treat!" that it would not last 10 seconds before getting punched in the white face.


I just can't take that risk.


And every year I get this craving to host a Halloween party, with extravagant spooky decorations, wine and cocktails, and yes, FINGER FOODS! But then every year I realize that I am missing the main ingredient for a killer Halloween party.




People.


You need people to show up in order for the party to be a success. People who are willing to dress up, people who are willing to let loose, people who don't mind a little spiked cider, people who are willing to put up with my husband.


There are no such people in Utah. Where's the real adult life? Does it even exist?


Are you a real adult in a real-life neighborhood with real-life friends that like to have real adult Halloween parties?


Can I come?

This spooky shit was brought to you by prompt #1 of this weeks writer's workshop.

My Fantasy Footballs

That hubster of mine is one of those fantasy football players. He's the Bud Light Real Men of Genius Fantasy Football Manager Guy.


I'm so proud.


Anyway, Albert and his other really tough & brawny fantasy football buddies got together last Saturday night to spend 4 hours sitting on their asses bidding on players for their fake football teams. It's what they like to call The Draft. Sounds fun, really.

The Draft is a huge event that Albert starts planning a year in advance so I wanted to contribute this year so I decided to make some football shaped sugar cookies. Score points for me on my Bree Van De Kamp journey!

I have been looking for the best sugar cookie recipe, the kind that are nice and soft and the kind that DO NOT have that gross lemon flavor to them. Well, I found it. These things are deadly; you will eat the whole batch if you're not careful. This is the best sugar cookie recipe I have found and lucky for you, I'm here to share it!

(Warning, my footballs turned out horrid and ugly but they tasted delicious! I suck at footballs. And life.)



First thing you do is pick out your baking music, I have kept a selection of goodies here for you to choose from. For this occasion, I chose The Black Eyed Peas - The E.N.D. Great CD!









Second, you will need to get out all this crap:

In a large bowl, cream together shortening, sugar, eggs, and vanilla.

Like dis:

Next, add the dry ingredients. I like to mix the dry ingredients together first in a separate bowl so all the salt and soda get to know the flour first. Or whatever.



Then I add those dry ingredients to the wet ingredients and mix.




The dough should look like dis:




Now add the sour cream (Oooooh, secret ingredient!!!)




Stir the dough until is starts pulling away from the sides of the bowl like dis:




Cover and chill in the fridge for at least 30 minutes.


On a floured surface, roll out dough to about 1/8 inch thickness. You can make them a little thicker if you like bigger cookies.




Use desired cookie cutter, mine of course was a football.



Place cookies on an ungreased baking sheet and bake in a 375 degree oven for 8 minutes.



Now this is the important part because you don't want to over cook them. When you pull them from the oven they will not quite look done. THIS IS OKAY, do not leave them in the oven any longer than 8 minutes. They should look like dis:




Cool cookies completely before frosting.



Okay now I also found this great frosting recipe, you can either use this or just buy some cream cheese frosting already made. Whichever you prefer.

To make good frosting, you've GOT to cream the butter first.




And then add the remaining ingredients, milk, powdered sugar & vanilla. Just check out this frosting, it's so yummy!




Now here is where I began my downfall. I needed to turn this white frosting into brown frosting for my footballs. Seems easy enough right? Just add red and green food coloring and you'll get brown right? Easy.




Well, not so much. I used the rest of my red and green food coloring and this is as brown as it got:




Not quite what I was going for but I was determined NOT to use chocolate frosting on these cookies so I had to make do. And here is where they turn really ugly, frosting the cookies.




Yes I am aware it looks like puke or poop, but I promise they taste delicious! When frosting these things you really want to use a bit more frosting then usual. Trust me, there's no such thing as too much frosting on a sugar cookie the last thing you want is for them to be dry.

Then I had to add my 3 little white stripy things to make them look like footballs. I can't even do that right. Straight lines? Not possible with my shaky hands. So here is the final result:






Not the prettiest things but they were so fricken delicious; I think I ate a dozen by myself. So be careful!

And here are both recipes written out in full for you to copy:


The Best Sugar Cookie Recipe Ever

1 cup shortening
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
½ tsp. vanilla
3 cups flour
½ tsp. soda
½ tsp. salt
1 tsp baking powder
½ cup sour cream (you can use yogurt or buttermilk also)


Cream shortening, sugar, eggs, and vanilla. Add dry ingredients and sour cream. Mix well. Cover bowl and chill dough at least 30 minutes. On floured surface, roll out to 1/8 inch thickness. Cut into desired shapes. Place on ungreased cookie sheets. Bake in a 375 degree oven for 8 minutes. Do not over bake!

Makes 4-5 dozen



Sugar Cookie Frosting:

4 cups confectioners' sugar
½ cup shortening (or butter)
5 tablespoons milk
1 tsp vanilla extract
food coloring

In a large bowl, cream shortening until smooth. Add the confectioners' sugar and mix again until smooth. Gradually mix in the milk and vanilla with an electric mixer until smooth and stiff, about 5 minutes. Color with food coloring if desired.


Don't forget your aprons! I was sporting this one:



With nothing underneath of course.

Confessions of an Addict

All my life I've had a love affair with cold cereal. Not one, but many affairs. If I had my choice, I would eat cold cereal for every meal of every day. That would be heaven to me.


But it is not until recently that my love affair has caused a problem with my domestic duties. Now I fear that on my road to becoming Bree I have taken a wrong turn on the "I Must Eat Cereal Every night Instead Of Making Dinner" Street.


I of course LOVE this street! There's no speed limit, the road is paved with Fruity Pebbles and lined with Apple Jacks Trees and fields of Rice Krispies and waterfalls of milk. Heck, it even snows Frosted Flakes here! I feel like Homer Simpson skipping down the graham cracker pavement with the chocolate bunnies!



My hubster, however, has suffered.


Unlike me, he needs real food for dinner. I don't know why, but he does. So while I've been speeding down my fruity pebble highway with the top down and my head back with my mouth wide open to catch any frosted flakes falling from the sky, he has had to fend for himself.


This is a problem. I come home from work starving and all my belly wants is Frosted Mini Wheats, or Lucky Charms, or Honey Nut Cheerios. So I give in and eat a bowl....or two....or three, so by the time Hubster gets home from work....I'm full and when I'm full I'm done.


I don't want to cook dinner for just one person, it's hard enough finding recipes for just two people. I used to plan my meals on Sunday for the week and have the grocery shopping done and my ingredients ready to go.


Not anymore.


How can I maintain my love affair for cereal and feed my husband at the same time? The poor guy hasn't complained...much, and he has been making his own dinner for weeks now.


When I go to the grocery store, I don't feel like buying anything else but cereal so sadly our fridge has been neglected a bit. Last night as I was lying in bed, I swear I heard a muffled cry coming from the kitchen and I swear to you every time I open that refrigerator door, the light dims. I think my fridge is trying to tell me something.


So this is my cry for help, is there anyone else out there with this problem? Can we start a Cereal Addict Support Group?


I think it's time I stop this behavior. But before I do, I'd like to share my top 5 favorite cereals, and yes, they are all full of sugar!


So here's to you Cold Cereal!

Mis Ochos

My Eights:

8 TV shows I love to watch:
















8 things that happened yesterday:

1. Colin's birthday party, he's 6!
2. Did the laundry
3. Ran 3 miles with Dozer in the rain
4. Watched my weekly Sunday morning movie with my eggnog latte
5. Cleaned house
6. Uploaded pictures to my computer
7. Got a mist on tan for the first time ever
8. Listened to Albert yell at the Broncos for losing. Again.

8 favorite places to eat:

1. Fresca's
2. Tiburon
3. Lugano's
4. Sweet Home Chicago Pizza
5. Fleming's
6. Market Street Oyster Bar
7. Village Inn (best pancakes ever!)
8. The Star

8 things I am looking forward to:


1. Having Children
2. Finding out where Albert is going to Law School!
3. Visiting De in St. George
4. Visiting Dennelle in California
5. Decorating for Thanksgiving
6. Decorating for Christmas
7. My house getting cleaned
8. Getting my hair done today




8 things on my wish list:

1. World peace and all that shiz
2. A new wardrobe
3. A skinny body
3. Bain
4. To be a mommy
5. To be Bree
6. To be healthy and keep my family healthy
7. To move my family with me & get the "heck" out of Utah :)
8. My house to be like hers:


8 people I tag:

1. Annie
2. Rae
3. Cris
4. Lin
5. Ash
6. Rachael
7. Shae
8. Diana

"Don't Mistake My Anal Retentiveness For Actual Affection"

I'm trying to channel my Bree Van de Kamp inner self.

Have you seen this woman? She is seriously my inspiration.

I want to be Bree.

I want to be able to keep my house spotless, while baking delectable desserts, while planning the neighborhood social, while alphabetizing my cook books while wearing my cutsie apron,
while my hair is in perfect condition and my makeup impeccable, while setting the table for tonight's dinner party, while wearing my housewife dress and heals, while wearing my ever so perfect set of pearls, while folding the world's best smelling laundry, while dating my pharmacist who killed my first husband, while pretending to be pregnant to hide my daughter's fornication, while my murderous second husband goes to jail, while...

Okay maybe not those last few items...

But I want to do it all with a smile on my face just like Bree.



I love this apron she wears and I want one soooo bad! I only wish I could stay at home all day and make my house into the most clean, organized, sparkly, fabulously engaging humble home ever!



I want to throw dinner parties and serve more than one course. I want to have my friends over for a cup of tea and civilized conversation and dirty gossip!



I want to bake the most fabulous cakes and run the biggest fund raisers and grow the biggest, brightest flowers in my garden.



I want to quilt and sew and plan my dinner menus a month in advance.

I want to clip coupons and decorate for holidays and keep my mail off my counter.

I want to take muffins to my neighbors in plaid picnic napkin lined baskets.



You can call me obsessed, you can call me a freak but only if you can admit that it'd be great to be Bree! I will leave you now with some great Bree quotes:


Bree: My daughter is planning on giving you her virginity and I'd consider it a personal favor if you wouldn't take it.

Rex: You're using the good china, freshly pressed napkins, flowers from the garden. This tray was prepared with loving care.
Bree: Do me a favor, Rex. Please don't mistake my anal retentiveness for actual affection.



Rex: I can't believe you tried to kill me.
Bree: Yes, well, I feel badly about that.