Hangin In

Okay here's the deal, my life has taken a very big unexpected dump in the toilet. I mean a huge fat stinky turd right there in the pot.


I think it's about time I write about it because this blog is going to be changing and I might as well spill the beans and explain what's been going on. For respect of others I can't really go into any details but I don't have any ill feelings toward anybody.


Gosh, I'm trying to write this so matter of factual and it's not working. I just need to write it as a story, it just feels better to me that way.


A few months ago, Alex and I were talking and he revealed to me that he no longer wants to have children.


Like ever.


We've been married 8 years and have always planned on having children from the start. He had never said a word about not wanting them until now and of course I have wanted children all my life! It was never a question for me, you grow up, get married & pop out the kids. So when I first learned of the news,


I was completely shocked.


Completely devastated.


Completely confused.


And extremely sad.


We didn't know what to do. In that one second, everything in our lives changed. Just like that. Thoughts were racing through my head a mile a minute. What does this mean? This isn't happening. This is a dream, a joke, it couldn't possibly be real.


So over the past few months we've been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of talking and a lot of crying. Long story short I know that I can never be happy unless I become a mother. That is and has always been my ultimate goal. It's just such a powerful feeling to want a child so badly, I can't ignore that.


He has been trying and hoping that he would get the desire to have children but that feeling has never come and he has realized that it never will. Just as strongly as I want a child, Alex does not.


Where's the compromise in something like that?


Ultimately there is no compromise. We have decided the only way for both of us to have a chance at happiness is to separate. We are getting a divorce.


Divorce.


That's such an ugly word. That word has so many horrible assumptions associated with it. Bitterness, anger, regret, jealousy, hate.


But we feel none of these. We still love and care for each other very much. Sometimes I wish I could just hate him, that maybe it would make things a little easier for me. But I can't. All I feel is an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness.


I never realized that when you go through a divorce, you not only loose your spouse, but you lose your whole life. It feels like you have to divorce everything and everyone associated with him.


It's the most painful thing I have ever gone through.


Ok, I'm probably saying way to much now and I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, I just needed you to know what was going on with me.


Now the future?


Well, two weeks ago I moved into a town home that is close to my work. Alex will be moving out of state in August to go to law school so it's just me and the kitties.


Yes, I am the Cat Lady.


But I have enrolled in school to get my masters in accounting so I'm currently taking classes (only one more week of summer semester!). I don't know why I thought I needed to start school right away, my house is still in boxes because I only have time for homework right now. Soon I hope to get my life put back together but in the mean time I am so lucky to have such a wonderful supportive family & friends who have helped me through this.


I wouldn't be able to survive this without them.


I'm also so lucky to have so many big strong men in my family to move my piano! (Thanks guys!)


So that's about it, I'm still working and just living one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. I have no idea what the future holds for me and honestly, I can't really think about that right now.


As my grandma always said:


"I'm hangin in."

LUBE

Me: "That's weird, you've got a hair growing right on your ear lube!"


Hubster: "On my what?"


Me: "Right there on your ear lube."


Hubster: "Really?"


Me: "Yeah, look."


Hubster: "Really Poob?"


Me: "I'm serious!"


Hubster: "Ok, you're right, I have hair on my ear LUBE. I have two ear LUBES. We all have two ear LUBES. My ear LUBE has a hair on it. "


Me: " I know, that's what I'm sayin!"


Hubster: "It's LOBE Poob, ear LOBE!"


Me: "Oh."

I Am SO Dead

As I mentioned in my last post, I have to pay Albert in order to post this story. That's right, my husband threatened to sue me. No joke. It's that lawyer slowly creeping out from inside of him. Oh why God? Why Law School?


This story was just too good not to post so I agreed to his terms, although we are still in negotiation. I won't even tell you the ridiculous amount he is charging for this story.


Of course I'm going to tell you the ridiculous amount. He wants $2,500 just for this one story! I told him that his whole life story isn't worth that much. I demanded that if I did pay him anything close to that amount, that I would get to post naked pictures of him on the Internet too.

I haven't received his counter offer and I'm not about to wait for one.


************************************************

Some of you know the Hubster has been going to a personal trainer with his friend, Kevin, for a few months now. This trainer is a chick and has been kicking their asses every time they have a session with her. People have started noticing her working with them and how hard she pushes them, so they've become "gym popular".


The training has really been paying off both for Al and Kevin, they seriously are transforming right before my eyes! It's magic really. So it isn't uncommon for people to stare at them while they work out with her. I mean, hello? Two hot guys sweating and pumping iron (gross!) who wouldn't stare right?


So one day they are doing their routine with the trainer when she says to Alex,


"So did you know you have a secret admirer?"


"Yeah right!" He scoffs.


"No, I'm serious!" She replies.


Albert looks at her and she has this little smirk on her face, so he knows something is up.


"It's a dude isn't it?" Alex looks at her skeptically.



She starts laughing and shaking her head. Unfortunately his secret admirer wasn't at the gym at that time so he didn't find out who it was.


After his work out that day he came home and told me of his so-called secret admirer and I immediately started thinking of how I could perfect my ultimate punch to take this Mother Effer girl out.


I ended up going to my quiet place to do my punch dance.




After that physical and mental work out, I was ready for anything.




So back at the gym a few days later, the trainer decides to reveal who the secret admirer is.


And yes, it was a dude.


Alex was so embarrassed (to say the least) and of course Kevin thought it was hilarious! Their trainer then told them what Al's admirer said about him, besides all the "he's hot" crap, my favorite thing his crusher said was...
















wait for it...



















"I want to get lost in his eyes."



Bahahahaha! Oh you should hear Al tell this story, it is the funniest thing ever.

"He wants to get lost in my eyes!"

Face palm.

Double face palm.

I don't know why he's so embarrassed, it's a compliment for Chrissake.


Of course I can't blame the guy for crushing on Al. Yes, the guy knew that Al is straight and very married but come on, this is Utah. You never know how many gay guys out there are married and supposedly straight. This state is full of em!


So I said "More power to you admirer!" Plus, he's got good taste so I had no hard feelings toward him and didn't have to use my ultimate punch after all. Which was kind of a disappointment for me but was for the best in the end.

For the record, no, Alex is not gay.

I repeat, Alex is not gay.

(I am so dead.)

And now the icing on the cake:

Al and I went to dinner the other weekend at Asian Star. At the end of the meal Al picked up his fortune cookie and read what was inside. He sat there for a few seconds just staring blankly at it. Finally he said,


"I think this was meant for you."


I grabbed it and beheld the most appropriate fortune I have ever read in my life:

An admirer is concealing his affection for you.

No Al, that was definitely meant for you.

Kissmas Eve

Christmas is all about tradition in my family, the biggest one being the Christmas Eve party that we have at my mom's house every year. Everyone comes over for dinner, nertz, a treasure hunt, Jesus cake, and my mom always throws in some sort of churchy movie.

When we were kids, my parents would set up a treasure hunt with clues hidden around the house, the last clue leading to where our Christmas Eve presents were hidden. And every year, those presents would be pajamas accompanied by a night cap (not that kind of night cap) hand made by my mom.

Now that we're all growd up, it's the grandkids that get to do the treasure hunt, and because neither of them can read, my mom just attached a string to the presents and gave them the end so they could follow it to their treasure.




And yes, they got hats too.






Brolan wasn't a fan of his.




It was just riveting to watch!








Bob (mom's man) was the most excited about it.




And now for the spiritual moment of the night, the churchy Christmas video. Can you tell how touched everyone is? I was definitely crying behind the camera, I'm surprised this picture is actually in focus.




Everyone loves mom's spiritual moments. And what better to follow such spiritualness other than a fowl-mouthed game of nertz?!




See that chick second in from the left? You know, the one sitting next to my dad? She was crowned the Nertz Queen in 1993 and still holds that title to this day.




As you see, Albert is not playing. He refuses to play nertz with me. I don't know why the hell not, the first time we played all I did was swear at him, hit him, and threaten his life. I don't see the problem.




So Alyse was my partner, and I'm pretty sure I only yelled at her once. Not sure how many times I swore during the game but it doesn't matter because when we play nertz, the non-swearing rule goes out the window and we're allowed to say whatever is needed in order to win.

Shit. Damn. Hell.

That's about the extent of my family's swears. However this time I may have called someone a bastard, but I can't be sure.

Oh, and can you guess who won?




No, not Al, ME! Yep, I'm still the queen, but that was no surprise to anyone. If any of you out there want to challenge my current title, then by all means, it is so on. I'll kick your trash.


Moving on...it's time for Jesus cake!





For your information, that gaping hole in the side of the cake was not from me. I definitely did not sneak a couple bites before it was time to serve the cake, and if I did, it was definitely not to get back at everyone for wanting to wait until AFTER we played nertz to eat the cake. Don't mess with my cake bitches!




Logan helped blow out the candles on Jesus' birthday cake. I'm pretty sure Jesus is probably 2007 years older than 3 but we didn't have any more candles, plus my mom didn't want to start her house on fire so we just stuck with the 3. I'm sure Jesus didn't mind.


Here's Chad, Kels & Brolan waiting patiently for cake.





Sorry Karn Katherine, it looks like Brolan is already groping girls, I'll try to straighten him out for Cutie Pie! (I'm 99.99% sure that it is my brother's fault)

Lindee loves it when I take her picture. She begged me to take this and I was like "fine, whatever".




Other cute pics...Mom and her dude.




And of course, my cute dad.




Okay so you all know I'm constantly on the quest of becoming the favorite aunt right? Well I'm pretty sure I've achieved that with Logan but I'm still working on Brolan. So that night I was devastated to watch this phenomenon occur.

Brolan wanted Alex.




The baby wanted to play with the big scary dude. And not only that but he wanted to feed him.




Over and over.




And when it was done? Then guess what happened.




Yes, Brolan gave Alex a kiss! I couldn't handle the betrayal, Christmas is supposed to be filled with love and peace, not hatred and jealousy.




I better step up my game.





Ok if you all can keep a secret, then I'll show you some top secret pictures. Logan and I may or may not have snuck away during the spiritual moment to work on our face making abilities.


Happy Face.




Sad face.




Cute Face.




Surprised Face.




Angry Face.




Scared Face.




Silly Face.





And finally,



Pissed Face.



Don't mess with us.

Ochoversary

Happy 8th Anniversary Albert!

Eight reasons Why I love Alex:

1. Because he always makes me laugh (But I'm still the funny one).

2. Because he loves me even though I'm the most awkward human being in the world.

3. Because he has the cutest "sad boy" face I've ever seen.

4. Because he always takes care of me when I'm sick.

5. Because he always gives me the best advice.

6. Because he has always been my rock (Not just his muscles).

7. Because he listens to me and is NEVER afraid to admit when he is wrong.

8. Because everything he does, he does for our little family and our future.

9. Because he has the best laugh ever.

10. Because he makes up songs and sings them to me daily.

11. Because I love the "Casual Friday" song he sings to me every Friday morning.

12. Because he can always be himself around me and he shows me a side of him that nobody else can see.

13. Because I know that I can tell him anything.

(Couldn't keep it at eight, sorry)

First Day we met (in person):

At our wedding dinner:

I actually proposed to him. Ok, not really.

Christmas Eve 2009

I love you Bert!

Nipples, The Perfect Conversation Starter

We're finally back from Hawaii! It always sucks coming home after a vacation, especially coming home from a beautiful 80 degree paradise to a dark and grey 27 degree inversion.

But hello? I came home to my fury babies and all is well!

I've got 526,437 pictures from the trip to post for you but all in good time my friends, all in good time. For now I will leave you with another intelligent conversation I had last night with the hubster.

Me: "Nipples are so weird"

Hubster: "I know they really are huh?"

Me: "Why do guys even have nipples anyway?"

Hubster: "Come on Poob, that'd just be weird. Can you imagine me with no nipples, just extremely huge manly pec muscles?"

Me: Laughing, "I don't think it'd look too bad. I'm glad you don't have those gross saggy kind of nipples, I can't stand those. But seriously, why do guys have nipples? They have no use at all."

Hubster: "Yes they do."

Me: "Oh really, and what is that?"

Hubster: "To pierce."

Me: Laughing, "Oh Al"


Inside Joke:

My husband served an LDS (Mormon) Mission in Boston when he was nineteen. Of course there are so many rules for missionaries such as they can't be alone with girls, they can't even think about girls, they have to wear suits and ties, they have to have their hair short and cannot have any facial hair, the can't go anywhere without their companions, they can't be gay, they can't listen to worldly music, watch TV, or read worldly books, talk on the phone with family except for Holidays, they can't even steal from old ladies, they can't hold seances and worship the devil, they can't perform human sacrifices,

etcetra, etcetra.


But there are a few who like to bend the rules a bit, maybe to show rebellion, maybe to feel normal again, or maybe just for fun, who knows? Well, my husband was one of those and decided his form of rebellion would be...



Wait for it....




Piercing his nipples.




(But you've already figured that out by now haven't you.)


Yes, he got his nipples pierced while on his mission when he was supposed to be serving the Lord. But don't worry, he took his companion with him so he didn't break that rule. The church discourages such piercings and tattoos for all it's members, not just missionaries so this was a big no-no.

He was such a rebel wasn't he?


He said it hurt like hell. He had never experienced pain of that magnitude before in his life. He honestly can't say what hurt worse, getting into his motorcycle accident or getting his nipples pierced. But I don't feel sympathy for his nipple affliction.

It was obviously God's punishment.

We Are The Epitome Of Perfection When It Comes To Communication In A Relationship. Get Out A Pen, You Need To Take Notes.

Date night conversation between my husband and I in which we discuss what time we should leave for dinner.


Time: 6:45 pm


Place: The bed. Me laying on my stomach holding my head in my hands staring at the hubster. Him laying on his back, one hand behind his head, staring at his iphone.


Me: "Ok, so lets say we leave at 7:00." (Meaning he better be ready to leave at 7 o'clock)


Him: "I'll try but I have to shower."


Me: "Come on, you're a Dude." (Meaning dudes take fast showers and don't require much time get ready because, well, they're dudes.)



Him: (Thinking that when I said "You're a dude" that I meant he didn't need to take a shower. (Ew) Why he thought this I have NO idea because everyone knows it's girls who can go a day without taking a shower, not dudes. Duh.)


Him: "I went tanning" (This reply meant that he really did need to take a shower because he had gone tanning that day and was emitting a very pungent odor similar to rotten eggs and death.)


Me: "What? Why does that matter?" (Having no idea why he mentioned that he went tanning and wondering if he meant that he would have to do something special in the shower because he smelled like rotten eggs and death. Which still doesn't make sense, a shower is a shower.)


Him: Sighing, "Never mind Poob." Starts playing with his iphone.


Me: "No wait, let's recap. I said let's leave at 7:00, you said you need to take a shower, I said you're a dude meaning that you should be able to take a fast shower, you said that you went tanning. Why would you say that? It isn't even relephant!"


(Pausing, realizing I just said relephant instead of relevant.)


Him: "Really Poob?" Raising an eyebrow.


Me: "I just said relephant." Busting up laughing.


Him: "You. Dork."


Me: Tearing up, "I am hilarious. I just made up a new word, I'm the funny one!"


*Side Note: We constantly fight over who the funny one is in the relationship. I always win obviously.


Him: "No, you're not the funny one, notice you're the only one laughing?" Trying not to laugh (or cry) as I start punching him in the man boob.



rel-e-phant [rel-uh-fuh nt]

-adjective
Bearing upon or connected with the matter at hand in a VERY BIG way.

At Least I Never Turned Into The Old Cat Lady. I Could Never Afford That Kind Of Lifestyle Anyway.

Today is the 5th day I've spent as a single woman living alone with her cats (and dog).


When I was 19 I always thought I'd end up being that single 25 year old (Yes, that was really old in my 19 year old mind, remember I live in Utah) with curlers in her hair who spends her days in her pajamas tending to her 25 cats.


Damn, I never thought of all the litter box scooping that would require. That's a ton of cat poop. I can't imagine how much money I'd be spending on litter. I guess I could just teach all the cats to use the toilet, that would solve the litter problem but then I'd have to buy a lot of toilets. I guess it's a good thing I didn't turn into the cat lady. I don't have enough energy for all the poop.


Well this week I had a little taste of that life. Alex has been out of town to visit his grandparents in Colorado. His grandpa is very ill and not doing very well, they thought he might not make it through the week so my husband, his brother and his parents flew out there on Monday.




Luckily Grandpa is doing better now and should be coming home from the hospital today. That is great news! I love Grandpa Leon and Grandma Irma so much. When I met them for the first time it was like I had been their grand daughter my whole life.


I'm so happy Grandpa and his big ears are doing better. Aren't they cute?




I also can't wait to get my husband back. Our trash cans are full because I forgot to take out the trash Monday night, that's his job.


Our mailbox is also full because I keep forgetting to bring in the mail, that's his job.


Dozer, on the other hand, gets pretty excited when Dad goes out of town because that means he gets to sleep in the bed with me. Of course he misses Dad too, I'm sure.


Maybe.


I'll be spending the day tomorrow as a single mom. Yep, I went from being a married woman, to a single chick, to a single mom all in one week. Who knows where my life will be next week.


I get to babysit my nephew Logan, Lindee's son, for the weekend. I'm SO excited, I love playing "house". Dozer and the kitties love when Logan comes over too. Logan knows all the commands and hand gestures to keep Dozer under control. And the kitties just love it when Logan pulls on their tails. Love it.


Lindee told me the other day that Log was playing with a toy truck that looked like a Hummer and he said,


"Look Mom, it's Kelly and Alex!"


That just melts my heart, seriously I could die from a melted heart if I'm not careful. Too bad we sold the hummer, hopefully Logan will forgive us.

Did I forget to mention...

...that we ran over a deer last weekend? Yep, on the way to the movies no less.


There we were, driving along Bangerter highway when it happened. Albert was driving while I was blabbering away, raising my voice in an attempt to be heard over the blasting music.


Rap music no less.


(Sorry, that's two "no lesses" in like four sentences, what does that phrase even mean anyway?)


Up ahead, Albert noticed a car oddly parked on the side of the road and a few cars touching their breaks. Then the car directly in front of us swerved to the right at which point we saw it, lying directly in front of us, a huge buck lying in the middle of the road, antlers pointing straight up.


Albert quickly assessed the situation and realized that we would not be able to swerve out of the way seeing as there were cars on either side of us. At first glance, I thought it was a pile of wood but that thought quickly changed when Albert said,


"Hold on, WE'RE. ABOUT. TO. RUN. OVER. A. DEER."


I grabbed the OS (Oh Shit) handle and braced myself for impact. I then heard a clunking sound as the buck's antlers passed underneath my feet.


And then it was over.


We had just glided over the buck with no problem at all. I should inform you that we were driving the Hummer so Albert was pretty confident that we would run right over the poor guy.


"Something definitely flashed there!" I said, still gripping the OS handle.


"Do you mean your life flashed before your eyes?" He smirked.


"Um something like that. I don't know what, but something definitely flashed!"


"Oh Poob." He said rolling his eyes. (He seems to do that a lot, I think he should get his eyes checked or something.)


"I felt his antlers under my feet!" I shuddered.

At this point we were both excited feeling indestructible and thinking we were pretty hot stuff for being alive at that moment.


I should have realized that the Buck was no big deal, during the winter Al constantly runs the Hummer through huge snow banks on the side of the road just because he can. And now he wants to sell it? I don't think so.


Bucks? Meh. No big deal.


Bring on the Elephants.