Freudian Slip?

Just Doing My Part...

So I was going through my 2011 expenses .... you know, like ya do ... and was happy to see that I was doing my part to help out this ominous economy.


In 2011 I spent a total of $769.99 at coffee shops.

Yes.

$770

on

C.O.F.F.E.E.

Beans and Brews: You. Are. Welcome.





So what do you spend unnecessary, ridiculous amounts of money on?

Thank God For Vodka

Yesterday's text conversation with the lil sis:


Lindee: What you doing?


Me: At school and u?


Lindee: Just locked out of my friends house with my vodka.





Thank god for vodka.

You Can All Sleep Tonight

I thought I might as well post the movies/tv shows that my favorite quotes were from because I know you were all DYING to know.


And because I don't want you to die, here they are:

• I do what I want



*Flight of the Conchords




• I'm ready for school!



*Full House




• It sucks to be me right now



*Nacho Libre




• Big gulps huh? Well, see ya later



*Dumb and Dumber







• Did we just become best friends?



*Step Brothers







• Do you not realize I have had diarrhea since Easters?



*Nacho Libre







• Here's to alcohol: The cause of and answer to all of life's problems



*Homer Simpson







• It's a satchel



*The Hangover







• Heck yes I did!



*Napoleon Dynamite




• It's funny cause it's true



*Will and Grace




• One-man wolf pack



*The Hangover




• People, please. We're all frightened and horny, but we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring!



*The Simpsons




• What does that even mean?



*Saturday Night Live-Will Ferrel




• I. drink. your. milkshake!



*There Will be Blood







• I love lamp



*Anchor Man







• What the what?
  

  *30 Rock-Liz Lemon

  
  
  
• It's business time



*Flight of the Conchords







• You can't tell me what kind of pizza to like!



*30 Rock




• Please don't mistake my anal retentiveness for actual affection



*Desperate Housewives - Bree Van de Kamp




• I want to go to there



*30 Rock - Liz Lemon







• I'm Kind of a big deal



*Anchor Man







• I'm like a peacock, you gotta let me fly!



*The Other Guys







• Stella!



*Seingfeild - Elaine




• That just happened



*Step Brothers




• This is good toast



*Nacho Libre




• Trees? Everywhere trees?



*It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia




• You're so beautiful you could be a part-time model, but you'd probably have to keep your normal job



*Flight of the Conchords







• Did you tell him they were the lord's chips?



*Nacho Libre

Heck Yes I Did!

My favorite one-liners! Can you guess what TV shows or movies they are from??



I do what I want


I'm ready for school!


It sucks to be me right now


Big gulps huh? Well, see ya later


Did we just become best friends?


Do you not realize I have had diarrhea since Easters?


Here's to alcohol: The cause of and answer to all of life's problems


It's a satchel


Heck yes I did!


It's funny cause it's true


One-man wolf pack


People, please. We're all frightened and horny, but we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring!


What does that even mean?


I. drink. your. milkshake!


I love lamp


What the what?


It's business time


You can't tell me what kind of pizza to like!


Please don't mistake my anal retentiveness for actual affection


I want to go to there


I'm Kind of a big deal


I'm like a peacock, you gotta let me fly!


Stella!


That just happened


This is good toast


Trees? Everywhere trees?


You're so beautiful you could be a part-time model, but you'd probably have to keep your normal job


Did you tell him they were the lord's chips?

Don't Act Like You're Not Impressed

Anyone remember this conversation I had with Al a couple years ago?

You know, the one where I made up a new word:

rel-e-phant [rel-uh-fuh nt]

-adjective
Bearing upon or connected with the matter at hand in a VERY BIG way.

Well, aparantly my new word has caught on, I came across this shirt the other day and decided it is a must have:






Yeah, I'm kind of a big deal.


Don't act like you're not impressed.

Why Old People Should not be Allowed to Text...

My mom just recently sold my childhood home. Yeah, she got hitched and moved in with her new husband so she had to sell the house.


Sad.


While getting the house ready to sell, they realized the house needed a new roof. Her real estate agent, who's name is Rex (relevant later), suggested which roofers to go through so she hired them and they got the job done.


Why am I telling you this? Well a couple weeks after she moved she gets a text from one of her old neighbors. This neighbor's roof had a pretty bad leak and part of his roof actually caved in so he was asking if my mom was happy with the roofers she went through.


My mom replied to his text telling him that they did a good job so the neighbor asks for their phone number. Well my mom had no idea who the roofers were (she's really old) but she knew that her agent Rex would. So she started typing a text back:


"I don't know who the roofers are but I can give you Rex's number..."


But instead of writing Rex, she accidentally wrote sex. Amazingly, despite her old age, she realized her mistake and went back to fix it, but instead of hitting the delete button, she hit the send button instead. So my neighbor received the following text:


"I don't know who the roofers are but I can give you sex"


You didn't know my mom was such a giver did you? She felt so bad for the guy that she offered him sex. How nice of her!


Well, this neighbor is married and had been my mom's neighbor for over 24 years so luckily for her, he understood her very old state and knew it was a mistake. He replied:


"LOL, just wait until my wife gets home!"


And a few hours later, both parties were still laughing about it, my mom receives a text from his wife:


"Stay away from my husband! You've got your own now remember?"





Oh mom. I guess now you know where I get it from.

Another Round of Thanks But No Thanks!

Last Thanksgiving while everyone was expressing what they were thankful for, I was expressing what I was NOT thankful for and now that the time of year is here again, I thought I'd add to my list!




So the following is a list of things that I am NOT thankful for:


Fake yawns to end a conversation.




People who flush swiffer pads down the toilet.





Those damn seals on new CD cases that are impossible to remove in one peice.





When someone holds the door open for you when you are like 10 feet away so you feel like you have to run so they can let go of the door.





Short bathroom stalls (Hello North Layton Jr High?!)





People who steal my friend's ipod from his car when it's parked in my driveway.


Bumper stickers that are too small to read.





The snow.


My rear wheel drive car.


My rear wheel drive car in the snow.





Couples who share an email address or facebook page.


MySpace





Loud breathers.


Dentists who ask you questions while their hands are in your mouth.





The fact that healthy food is always more expensive than junk food.


My legs.


Short tables.


My legs that don't fit under short tables.


Whiteheads.






Finding other people's pube hairs. Anywhere.





Creepy 50 year old men hitting on you.





Creepy 50 year old neighbors hitting on you.


Mom's who give their kids a mullet when they are too young to know any better.





What are YOU not thankful for?

I'm Grounded

Yeah, I'm grounded from blogging.

So I'm sorry if I'm a sucky sucking suck suck blogging buddy.


I got in trouble for not getting my homework done.

And stealing extra rolls at the wedding.

Parents are so mean.

Oh, and Smokey wanted to say hi.

Hi Smokey .

Who Has More Fun?

Blondes?

Or Brunettes?

Don't You Hate It When...

You think it's Friday only to realize it's only Thursday?



You have to pee so bad but the restroom is closed for cleaning?



Your plane crashes and your stuck on an island with a bunch of people only to realize that you're all dead?



People sit right next to you on a bus when there are plenty of other open seats?



You can't get that fillet fish song out of your head?



You wake up all sweaty? It's like "What the hell was I doing in my sleep?"



When you go to shake the bottle of salsa and then realize the lid wasn't screwed on?



When the inside of your ear itches and you just want to jam a pencil in your head?



When you call Lady Gaga and she's kinda busy?



When a song on your ipod plays a lot louder than all the other songs and it scares you half to death?



Your shoe squeaks and everyone thinks you farted?



When you sleep with your boss and don't get promoted?



You pour a bowl of cereal then realize there's no milk left?



People "drunk IM" you on facebook?



Restaurants only have Pepsi products?



You sneeze right after you put on mascara?



You're riding the elevator when someone farts and gets off, then the next person who gets in thinks it was you who farted?



People just assume that you play basketball because you are like 10 feet tall?



When your milkshake brings all the boys to your yard?



You get stuck behind a slow walker?



You forget your neighbors name but it's way too late to ask?



Radio stations play Sex and Candy?



You're about to say something important but then Kanye West butts in?



You pee on your tampon string?



Your DVR cuts off So You Think You Can Dance 10 minutes too soon?



When people complain about what they hate?

It's Gettin Hot In Here...

So take off all your clothes...





This is just a little warning to let you know it's gonna get a little sexy 'round these here parts.


So stay tuned!

Douche Bags

So let's talk douche bags. It wasn't too long ago when I thought douche was pronounced dew-shay instead of doosh.


A dew-shay bag, if you will.


I don't remember where I had read about a douche bag, but in my head I was pronouncing it dew-shay.


Because I'm awesome like that.


So....one fine evening Alex and I went out to eat with a bunch of friends and someone called someone else a douche bag. Of course, being the mature adults we were, everyone busted up laughing. During the laughter I thought to myself, what is a douche bag anyway? And of course, since I never think before I speak, I blurted the question out loud to the group.


"What is a douche bag anyway?"


And of course, that made the group laugh even louder. Because, well, we are mature adults.


"You don't know what a douche bag is?"


"Um. No?" I immediately regretted opening my mouth and I started scolding myself in my head. Bad Pooba! Bad! No soup for you!


And so someone finally took pity on me and explained, right there at the restaurant mind you, exactly what a douche bag was. After I heard this, something clicked in my head and before I could stop my mouth, I said:


"Oh! You mean a dew-shay bag!"


That's when everyone got quite and stared at me with confused faces.


"Yeah, that's a dew-shay bag right?" I said again.


More blank stares. And then something clicked again in my head and I said:


"It's pronounced doosh isn't it? Doosh and dew-shay are one and the same aren't they?......I'm retarded."


And boy did everyone have a good laugh over that one. Will someone please teach me how to think before I speak?


Idiot.

I Can't Handle So Much Frickin Awesomeness, It Must Stop. (But Not Really Ok?)

Thank you to everyone for your concern and your frickin awesomeness! I'm serious, I should have posted about this a long time ago. It really helps just to know somebody out there cares, just a little.


Seriously. You are all fricken awesome. If I could, I would buy you all this frickin awesome shirt:





Now I didn't post about my divorce for a long time because, well, I don't really know exactly who is reading this blog. That boy I kissed in kindergarten may be reading, or that girl who I cut her hair, dunked her head in the toilet and then taped her to the flag pole with her underwear over her head could be reading. (Not a true story, I didn't cut her hair, that's just MEAN.)


When I first started blogging, I thought it was crazy how honest people were and how much information they revealed about themselves! Hell, I'm a blog stalker, I know you can find anybody who has a public blog.


(Yep, I'm stalking YOU!)


But seriously, with a public blog you never know who's reading. But now,I've known that and have accepted that fact and I no longer care. Blogging is fun and I've met so many amazing people (you) and have reconnected with so many amazing people (you) so I am comfortable with anybody reading. The more people that know how stupid and clutzy I am, the better.


The world has been warned.


Of course there are a lot of things that I don't post about, things that affect other people who I know do not want the world knowing about, and DEFINITELY nothing about my job, so this isn't a tell-all blog.


Which brings me to a question for you.


Is your blog a tell-all? How do you feel about the fact that ANYBODY could be reading your private thoughts? Have you ever been dooced?


(Yep, I did just blog about blogging, it was time)

Are You Really Talking About The Weather?

It has been raining.


A lot.


Rain is so annoying, I mean you spend a good hour fixing your hair and makeup just right and then it's totally ruined the second you step outside. I guess that's what umbrellas were invented for huh?


Are umbrellas in or out? In Utah, it seems that if you use an umbrella it means that you are either a very high maintanance conceited person or an 80 year old grandma.


Or a very high maintanance conceited 80 year old grandma.


Maybe this is all in my head, I don't know. I'd like to use one but I really feel silly walking around with an umbrella. I'm paranoid about it. I know everyone who looks my way is all laughing at me inside their heads. Everyone is having such a good time at my expense I just know it. After I walk by they all buckle over in laughter and give each other high fives.





Then when you get inside, what the hell do you do with thing? It's this soaking wet mess so you can't just stuff it in your purse. Now you look even more ridiculous carrying around a dripping wet canopy in doors. This is when it stops being funny and people are just annoyed with you. You get "the eye" and if you stay really quiet, you can actually hear the cuss words under their breath.


Seriously, is it okay to have an umbrella or is it a fashion no-no? Am I really a high maintenance conceited 80 year old grandma for wanting to stay dry? And what type is better? I've seen grown women with hello kitty umbrella's, is that tacky?


You see? Why do I even worry about these things? Because I'm a high maintenance conceited 80 year old grandma.


Are you?






(There is, however, one kind of umbrella that I really don't mind):

MIA

I have lost myself.

I will be back as soon as I am found.

In the meantime, please enjoy these adorable kitties and try not to "Awwwwwww".

AWWWWWWWWW!

(Couldn't help yourself could ya?)

All Metal Mouths Go To Hell

My Lil Sis texted me yesterday to tell me that she has to get braces.


She had just stepped out of the dentist's office and was a little upset. Naturally. I text her back to ask her why she had to get them. Her response?




"Cuz Jesus hates me."




That's right, so all you 12 year old metal mouths out there listen up:


You better "straighten up" cuz Jesus hates you too.

Auto Desecration

Driving home from work yesterday I took an alternate route to stop at Petsmart. I was sitting at a light downtown right next to some car dealership when in the corner of my eye I see something running toward me.


I look to my right, outside the passenger side window, and see this big smiling face and hands motioning me to roll down my window.


Scared the shit out of me.


After the initial shock wore off, I rolled down the passenger side window just a little bit to hear what the guy had to say. He was young, clean cut and nicely dressed so I assumed he worked at the car dealership across the street.


"Hi! I would LOVE to buy your car!" He said enthusiastically.


*blink blink*


I just sat there and looked at him for a couple seconds and said,


"Ok....?"


"How long have you had it?" He asked.


"About three years." I replied


"Yep, it's probably time for you to upgrade." He said this as he looked my car up and down like he was checking out a chick. He was undressing my car with his eyes!I'm surprised he didn't start humping it right then and there.


My car felt violated.


I notice the cars in front of me started moving and I realize the light had turned green. That didn't matter to this guy, he still stood there hanging over my window.


"What's your name?"


"Grand Pooba" I said quickly as I slowly started inching my car forward noticing the long line of cars stuck behind me.


He didn't budge.


"Nice to meet you Grand Pooba, my name is Rick, here's my card, give me a call!" And with that he reached in the window to hand me his card while the car was still inching forward.


He about lost his arm after I grabbed the card and took off!


I looked in my rear view mirror and saw that he was now stuck. This dude was in the middle of the road with cars whizzing by on both sides of him. I turned the corner so I'll never know if he made it back to the safety of his precious car dealership.


For all I know, some impatient driver decided to teach him a lesson and introduced him to the pavement.


Sheesh. I didn't realize the economy was that bad.


My car hasn't been the same since.





Poor baby.

Permission For An Ass Kickin

Will someone please come and kick my ass?


I'm in desperate need of some motivation right now.


*When I originally wrote the first sentence of this post I accidentally wrote kiss instead of kick. I guess either one would work.

Thanks so much.

At Least It Wasn't My Boob This Time

Iron: 1

Pooba: 0

At least it wasn't my boob this time.


I probably shouldn't say that, I still have 2 more pairs of pants to iron at home.


Hopefully my boob will come out unscathed.