Crackmart

I have a like/hate relationship with Walmart. Mostly hate.




I hate going to Walmart, it is just a huge maze filled wall to wall with people. Not just any people either, these people are like headless cockroaches attached to shopping carts wandering aimlessly with no sense of direction and no common courtesy and each cockroach has at least 10 baby cockroaches screaming and running in circles.



The idea of going to Walmart gives me more anxiety then the idea of giving a 3 hour presentation on the causes and symptoms of Gonorrhea to a crowd of pimply middle school students.


But, there are times like this past weekend when I just have to drag my sorry ass out there to find such items as these:





I am a sucker for containers.

You see that stack of white containers? A buck a piece! That's right people, I would've picked up some more but I couldn't fit anything else into my cart, I had to refrain myself from stacking them on my head just so I could buy a few more.

And look at these beauties:



I LOVE those fabric containers because there is a neat little spot right there on the front to specifically hold a label! Aren't they dreamy? The only disappointment I had was that they didn't come in pink or purple, but hey I'm still happy with my selection.

So on Saturday I spent the day organizing my hall closet. Our house is very low on storage and closet space so this closet is a multipurpose storage area for us. My main concern was organizing all of the medicine and first aid crap we have stuffed in there.

If you ever get sick, please just come over to my house because we are prepared for anything!



Doesn't that just make you smile? All the meds are sorted and labeled and are easily accessible. Hey even if your pet gets sick, I've got a container for that too.

So here is a pic of the whole closet:







This is like my crack, I totally get high on this stuff. It's a lot healthier addiction than actual crack, the high lasts a lot longer, and I can justify it by telling Alex that it's a hellova lot cheaper then buying the real thing.



I doubt you could buy 8 containers of crack for a buck a piece.


Not that I know from actual experience, I'm just sayin.

How To Give Your Husband A Heart Attack.

Leave a bottle of these on the counter:






Yes, I am taking prenatal pills. No, I am NOT pregnant or even trying to get pregnant. I am taking these pills because they help my hair. One day, many years ago I decided I didn't want to be a blond anymore so I died it brown.

Dark brown.

It was fun, I liked it a lot, but in the end it just wasn't me. So I went back blond which has been a long hard and painful process, but these pills have carried me through! Yay pills, I love you! And Andrea of course, she may have had a little something to do with it.

Apparently my dear hubster was not aware of my prenatal vitamin taking habit when he saw these left out on the counter one day.

Hubster: "Poob, what are these?"

Me: "What are what?"

Hubster, talking very slowly: "Why are there prenatal vitamins on our counter?"

Me, now realizing a great opportunity here: "Well, um, their mine."

Hubster, getting panicky: "Poob, you better not be takin these! Why are you taking these!"

Me, with this fake scared look on my face like I was about to admit something very evil: "Well..."

Hubster: "POOB!"

Me, using my acting skills to appear frightened: "Don't freak out, I've had to take them for a while."

Hubster, with a horrified look on his face: "Poob, you better not be lying to me, this isn't funny!"

Me, enjoying every minute of this: "I'm not lying, I swear!"

Hubster, barely able to contain himself: "What!?!"

Me, busting out laughing: "Silly Bert! I'm taking them because they help my hair and nails! Calm down! Breath...just breath."

Hubster: "I'm gonna kill you!"

He totally thought I was pregnant! Don't get me wrong, we want to have kids, but we have a very specific plan right now of when we will start. Oh man, you should have seen this boys face, it was priceless! I scared him to death, and boy was it fun!

I highly recommend this to anyone who wants to scare the shit out of their husband!

I'll even let you borrow my bottle.

It Also Pays To Be A Slut.

Remember the little dilemma I was in a few weeks ago? You know, where I won two tickets to the Fall Out Boy concert but there are four of us going and I couldn't decide who to give the free ticket to?

Well, if you remember I decided to give both of my sisters a free ticket which meant Andrea and I would pay full price for ours.

Should I feel guilty that I made all three girls plead their case for a free ticket from me? Maybe, but I know I should feel guilty for taking pleasure in the fact that I made them all get on their hands and knees and beg. There's just something about people bowing before me that I just can't NOT enjoy!

Yes I am evil, very evil. I'm going to hell, but you already knew that.

Anyway...

So all that begging (mostly between my sisters, Andrea really didn't beg, at least not in public anyway) is now irrelevant. Why? Well I decided that I would let Andrea go to the concert for free too. Doesn't that make up for my previous naughty behavior? Yeah I thought so too, I am just THAT great of a friend ya know?

Okay so I'm lying to you. Not about Andrea going to the concert for free, but that I actually had anything to do with it. My baby sis Alyse friggin won 2 more free tickets! I'm not joking people. So yes, we all get to go to the concert FOR FREE!

Woot!

How did the baby sis accomplish this? By pimping herself out of course. She learns from the best you know. The X96 DJ, Corey Obrien, was giving free tickets to the person who could write him the best haiku about Fall Out Boy tickets. Here is her winning haiku:


Give me free tickets
To the Fall Out Boy Concert
And I will kiss you


Yeah baby, she knows what's up. I taught her well. I was at work listening to the radio and actually heard her call in and win and you could actually hear Corey's cheeks turning red after hearing her poem. Who wouldn't want to kiss this face?

So big thanks to the baby sis for sluttin it up on the radio, I knew you had it in you!

Anyone Else Love This Sign?

Found here on one of my Lunch-With-Dad Fridays:





Pay no attention to the huge bald head in the corner, it's NOT my Dad's.


Nope, couldn't be.

Where Are My Ruby Slippers When I Need Them?

Wow, it's finally Friday! I get to go home to see my sweet hubster and my lil furry babies, I'm so excited!

This week has been interesting to say the least! Let me elaborate a bit starting with my St. Patrick's Day night. (Yes the day/night thing makes perfect sense)

So after eating sushi in Elko (I know, sushi in Elko? It's true) we walk next door to this lil happenin joint where a bunch of leprechauns lured us in with their promises of rainbows and pots of gold. Of course we didn't care for the gold, I mean hello? We work for a gold mine, we could get gold anytime right? So I went in for the rainbows.


I'm all about the rainbows.





The whole town of Elko must have showed up because there were about 50 people there!






The bag piper dudes in thier kilts. They say they wore them the traditional way but I don't believe them, it was WAY to cold for that!




Oh, and I learned that all leprechauns are liars, I don't see any rainbows here do you?




Anyway, so I am a little concerned about this colleague of mine. He is from our office in Canada so I just met him in person this week for our project and he is an interestin fella!




The first day in town he made us stop at the pharmacy so he could pick himself up some booze for his hotel room. Wha? Booze in the pharmacy? I've never seen such an animal! I was definitely not in Kansas...er...Utah anymore.

So every night after work, he got drunk BEFORE we went to dinner. EVERY TIME. And the drunker he got, the worse his accent got so I couldn't understand him at all. St. Patty's day was probably the worst of his drunkenness:





So the next day at work we had this conversation:



Drunken Colleague: "I am running today."

Dumb Blond (me): "Oh, ok. On the treadmill at the hotel?"

Drunken Colleague: "No, I mean, I don't know how to say this...I am so ashamed of myself."

Dumb Blond: "Oh, don't be ashamed, everyone needs a good run now and then."

Drunken Colleague: "No, I mean...I am not feeling well, my bowels are running and I have...how you say...cramps...do you know where I can get medicine?"

Pause.

Pause.

Dumb Blond: "Oh...OH! Um no, I'm sorry maybe in the break room?"

So then I make the poor man tell someone else about his pooping issues in order to get medicine. Luckily, he found some and he was able hinder his running problem for the day.




...Anyway...




Since I already had a tour of the brothels the last time I was in town, I stayed clear of those this week. Plus I've been working long hours so I was just way too tired to go check out Sue's Fantasy Club again! And Inez's Dancin & Diddling was always closed when I got off work everday anyway. Everyone there probably missed me but hey, I can't please everyone!

So I am heading off to catch my flight now, I can't wait to get home and sleep in my own bed and spend a nice relaxing Friday night with my Hubby. Who knows, maybe we'll go a little crazy and do two puzzles tonight!

Party animals.

It's All Business, No Pleasure.

So I'm away from home this week on a business trip to the great exciting city of Elko. Today is St. Patty's day and I don't even get to spend it at home with my hubster eating green mint chocolate chip ice cream.

Instead I am spending it with a drunk colleague. Happy St. Patty's Day anyway!

Aunt Kellah Must Have Extra Soft Carpet.

Remember this post? The post where I asked what was worse, cleaning up after animals or cleaning up after kids? Well after this weekend I think I am in a better position to determine the winner.

I babysat my sweet nephew Logan from Friday to Saturday. I LOVE babysitting this boy, he is just so sweet and will say the funniest things! My baby sis drove Logan to my pad and slept over too. If that isn't proof enough that I am her favorite sister, I don't know what is. I don't see her going to sleep over at Lindee's house, well at least voluntarily.

Because it was Friday the 13th, I thought it'd be great fun to watch a scary movie so that Alyse could have some sweet nightmares. So we did, we watched Kung Fu Panda. Very scary I know. I don't know about Alyse but I had nightmares of fat Pandas threatening to hug me to death! I'm still a little shaken.

So Saturday was very chill, just hangin out coloring and tryin to keep Logan from pulling the kitties' hair out. After Logan decorated my chairs, table and his clothes with green marker, I put him and Leeser down for a nap.

After about an hour or so I hear giggling coming from the hall. I walk around the corner and there's Logan with a huge smile on his face and no pants on his butt. You know I can't post about Logan without his pants off, so no surprise there. For example:



So he says to me:

"My poop"

So I ask him if he needs to go potty and he says,

"No I lost my poop"

He runs into the get ready room and I of course follow just knowing what he's going to do. I look behind his crib and there it is, a nice runny pile of kid poop on my carpet!

"Logan! We do not poop on the carpet!" He wanders into my bedroom and says,

"I found poop!"

And there it is, a well formed terd on my bedroom floor. Nice. Looks like he started in the bedroom and finished up in the get ready room. But how can you get mad at the boy when he says,

"I clean Kellah!" (That's how he pronounces my name, so funny!)

He offered to clean up his own poop. Awe that sweet kid, his mom taught him to be so polite!



So of course we go into the bathroom and clean up his butt and luckily I have some carpet cleaner so Logan and I cleaned up his poopy mess together.

By the way, where is Alyse during all this? Sitting on the couch continuing to watch TV. It's okay, she's the baby in the family. She's never had to lift a finger. Love you Leese!

So who is messier, pets or kids? I now know from experience that there is no difference. Dogs poop on the carpet, kids poop on the carpet. Dogs leave dirty paw prints on the floor, kids leave dirty paw prints on the windows. Dogs drool all over the couch, kids drool all over my pillow.

It's a tie.

We Are Just That Cool

I remember the days of staying out late going dancing and to parties until 3 and 4 in the morning. You know those good old college days when you could survive on 3 hours of sleep with no problem?


Well now a days Albert and I are just a bunch of party poopers, seriously. I start getting tired at 8:30 pm and staying up late for us is like 10 pm. There are rare occasions when we stay late at a friends house on the weekends but still, we just can't stay out as late as we used to.


Is this a sign of old age or just uncoolness? Probably both.


Well, I think we figured out how to fix this problem. Last Friday night we had ourselves a rockin good time and stayed awake until the wee hours of the morning. How did we do this?


Did we inject ourselves with speed and 400 mg of caffeine? Well maybe, but the main reason we stayed up late was this:





Do you want to feel young and hip again? Get yourself a puzzle. Specifically one with 500 to 1000 pieces, I'm talking hardcore, none of that 100 piece sissy stuff.


We started this puzzle (brought to us by Mamarazzi) at 8:30 pm and by 3:30 am I about had it, I told Alex that we are too old to be staying up this late and we should go to bed. But that puzzle had some sorta power over him and he couldn't break free. He couldn't let the puzzle win. I finally went to bed assuming that he was right behind me.


When I woke up in the morning Alex was passed out next to me and I went into the kitchen to find this:





He had he stayed up until 5:30 in the morning to put that damn puzzle together only to find one piece missing. Of course he immediately blamed me and thought I hid the piece to sabotage him.


Come on Al, I would never do anything like that!


It wasn't until later that he found the missing piece in the pocket of my hoody that I wore the night before. I still deny having anything to do with that, the piece must have fallen in my lap, I'm not even joking people.


Oh dear, we are just that cool.





Once the last piece was in place, we could finally relax and peace was restored to the Silkman household. The puzzle is still sitting on our table, Al refuses to let me put that thing away after all the hard work we, well mostly he, spent on it.


He thinks that he beat the puzzle. Really?


You beat the puzzle that you couldn't walk away from? The puzzle that made you stay up against your will until the ungodly hour of 5:30 in the morning? The same puzzle that laughed at you when one piece somehow went missing? That puzzle?


Ok Al, you beat the puzzle, you win.


Now can I put it away?

I Need Full Protection

They need to start making full body aprons for people like me.

I'm thinking maybe something like this:

But in pink.

As Close As I'll Get

As much as I wish it was not true, I am a girl. Okay wait, that didn't come out right, let me start over.

Because I am a girl, I am susceptible to jealousy. This predisposition to jealousy is the part I wish wasn't true, not the whole being a girl part. I am very happy to be a girl, very happy indeed!

So when I see people like Suzi livin the good life where she can just hop in the car and drive to the beach anytime she wants, I get extremely jealous. After she posted about her little trip to the beach I couldn't contain my envy any longer. I must have left a pretty pathetic comment about how I was freezing my ass off in Utah while she was looking for sand dollars on the beach because she offered to send me some sand dollars of my own!

Check. It. Out.



Isn't that an adorable little ribbon? The sand dollars even left me a little note too!



I got part of the beach in the mail! Aren't they cool lookin? I've never seen a sand dollar before in my life!



Neither had Dozer.






This is probably as close as I'll ever get to living by the ocean so thanks Suzi!

My Leg Lamp

I'm in love. With Mamarazzi. I claim her now, she is mine and you can't have her.

If you remember back a few weeks ago I joined the Mamarazzi's Favorite Things swap and guess who I got paired up with? The one and only Mamarazzi herself! So for the past few weeks I've been gathering a few of my favorite things to send her and she's been doing the same for me.


So the day finally came and I received Mamarazzi's favorite things in the mail. I felt like Ralphie's Old Man when his leg lamp award finally arrived at his house! She spoiled me rotten, not literally of course, I am definitely not some stinky egg or that 6 month old gallon of milk hiding in the back of your refrigerator, I just mean she gave me a lot of good stuff. Lets see what she sent me:



Now check out how cute she wrapped everything, you can tell she spent some time doing this which makes all the difference in the world!




Can you see why it was like Christmas morning for me? She wrote cute little notes on each item she sent, this is why I have claimed her and she is mine and not yours. So lets check out the goods:



- A bath fizzy ball to relax in the tub
- A puzzle, which I lurv to do.
- Molten Chocolate Cake...mmmmm, did somebody just say cake?
- A Tidy Tote to keep my car organized, I love this idea!
- A cute dry erase magnetic board which I now have hanging on the fridge.
- Phase 10, Mamarazzi loves games but she didn't know that I love them too!
- Mary Kay yummy smelling lotion. Take a good whiff, it's heavenly.
- Her favorite recipes. I love that she did this for me can't wait to try them!
- Shout wipes, for every time I spill my mocha down my shirt while driving to work.
- Mini Cadbury eggs, have you tried these people? Very addicting!
- Crayons, hello? Did she just magically know that I still love coloring?
- A magnetic shopping list note pad, these are adorable!
- Pedicure kit including polish, nail file, toe separators and foot soak.
- Comfy socks. It was so funny because we both sent each other the same comfy socks just in different colors, and yes I am wearing them as we speak...er type...er whatever.


If you want to see my favorite things that I sent her, just go here. I'm telling you my gift was not wrapped as nearly as cute as hers so don't get your hopes up. I highly recommend everyone to sign up for her next swap, who doesn't love receiving a little, or in my case, a lot of Good Mail?!


Thanks Mamarazzi! I HEART U!