Hangin In

Okay here's the deal, my life has taken a very big unexpected dump in the toilet. I mean a huge fat stinky turd right there in the pot.


I think it's about time I write about it because this blog is going to be changing and I might as well spill the beans and explain what's been going on. For respect of others I can't really go into any details but I don't have any ill feelings toward anybody.


Gosh, I'm trying to write this so matter of factual and it's not working. I just need to write it as a story, it just feels better to me that way.


A few months ago, Alex and I were talking and he revealed to me that he no longer wants to have children.


Like ever.


We've been married 8 years and have always planned on having children from the start. He had never said a word about not wanting them until now and of course I have wanted children all my life! It was never a question for me, you grow up, get married & pop out the kids. So when I first learned of the news,


I was completely shocked.


Completely devastated.


Completely confused.


And extremely sad.


We didn't know what to do. In that one second, everything in our lives changed. Just like that. Thoughts were racing through my head a mile a minute. What does this mean? This isn't happening. This is a dream, a joke, it couldn't possibly be real.


So over the past few months we've been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of talking and a lot of crying. Long story short I know that I can never be happy unless I become a mother. That is and has always been my ultimate goal. It's just such a powerful feeling to want a child so badly, I can't ignore that.


He has been trying and hoping that he would get the desire to have children but that feeling has never come and he has realized that it never will. Just as strongly as I want a child, Alex does not.


Where's the compromise in something like that?


Ultimately there is no compromise. We have decided the only way for both of us to have a chance at happiness is to separate. We are getting a divorce.


Divorce.


That's such an ugly word. That word has so many horrible assumptions associated with it. Bitterness, anger, regret, jealousy, hate.


But we feel none of these. We still love and care for each other very much. Sometimes I wish I could just hate him, that maybe it would make things a little easier for me. But I can't. All I feel is an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness.


I never realized that when you go through a divorce, you not only loose your spouse, but you lose your whole life. It feels like you have to divorce everything and everyone associated with him.


It's the most painful thing I have ever gone through.


Ok, I'm probably saying way to much now and I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, I just needed you to know what was going on with me.


Now the future?


Well, two weeks ago I moved into a town home that is close to my work. Alex will be moving out of state in August to go to law school so it's just me and the kitties.


Yes, I am the Cat Lady.


But I have enrolled in school to get my masters in accounting so I'm currently taking classes (only one more week of summer semester!). I don't know why I thought I needed to start school right away, my house is still in boxes because I only have time for homework right now. Soon I hope to get my life put back together but in the mean time I am so lucky to have such a wonderful supportive family & friends who have helped me through this.


I wouldn't be able to survive this without them.


I'm also so lucky to have so many big strong men in my family to move my piano! (Thanks guys!)


So that's about it, I'm still working and just living one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. I have no idea what the future holds for me and honestly, I can't really think about that right now.


As my grandma always said:


"I'm hangin in."