Practice Safe Text

Ok confession. I have been dating. I didn't want to start dating so soon but found that it's a pretty good distraction and can be very entertaining. So I decided to date purely for the entertainment factor of it all. I know that makes me sound shallow but come on, I don't want anything right now and have found dating has helped my self esteem since it's been in the gutter as of late.


Dating.


Dating has changed a lot in 10 years, it's more hi-tech. Instead of calling, it's texting and apparently responding back via text on a timely basis is VERY important.

One thing I've learned is that I am too laid back to be dating. Good God I didn't know guys could be so much drama! Seriously. I thought it was girls who were supposed to freak out if they don't hear back from the person they are dating. I thought it was girls that would prefer spending every minute of every day with the person they are dating.


Naw, not girls, it's men in their 30s. They are like little whiny high school girls. No joke.


Case in point.


I had been dating a guy, we will call him Pube, just because I think it's funny. I had gone on about 8 dates with Pube and he was pretty nice, funny, and most importantly, not annoying. Or so I thought.


Well, he totally started ruining the whole hanging out/dating thing for me by telling me that I'm the first girl that he's thought about family and kids with.


Sigh. Why can't guys just hang out without wanting a relationship? I thought that's what guys were into, but apparently not.






....So one Friday night I was hanging out in Park City and went on a midnight hike. I knew my phone wouldn't work in the mountains so I just left it back at my friend's house. While I was phoneless, Pube had sent me a text asking what I was doing that weekend.

Of course I didn't get that text until the next day because I was in the mountains all night. So I write him back the next day. Here is our text conversation:


Friday 9:22 pm
Pube: What are you doing this weekend?


Friday 10:18 pm
Pube: Or don't respond. That always works.


Saturday 12:14 pm
Me: Sorry! Yes, I am headed to lay town tomorrow. It's my bro's bday, yay cake!


(Yes, I'm retarded)


Saturday 3:41 pm
Pube: That's the 3rd time you've said sorry in less then a week. Not good.


(WTF? Did he seriously just say that? That came out of nowhere. I'm a little pissed so I write back...)


Saturday 3:56 pm
Me: Well I went camping last night so I didn't get your text till today.


And then I didn't hear back from him that night. Which is really strange because he usually responds within the hour. He obviously is trying to give me a taste of my own medicine. Problem with that is I don't really care so it doesn't really work.


So I forgot all about Pube and his needy-ass texts until Sunday night when I was awoken at 3 in the morning by my phone beeping. What the hell? I thought. So I check my phone and this is what I get:


Monday 3:04 am
Pube: You are kind of f**king up, so what do you think? I like you, but I think I should find 1 of those "needy utah girls". They might call too much, but they have your back . . . But what I want is you. Point is you need to tell me wtf you want.


Monday 3:15 am
Pube: And those "utah girls" don't go camping past oct 15th when its 27 degrees outside. It must have been chilly.


W T F ????


Yeah, I read that and was pretty shocked, he basically just accused me of lying. This guy is like a sweetheart in person, what the hell is going on? So I go back to sleep and decide to deal with it in the morning.


Dude. Who does that?


I decide it's time to get rid of this needy dude and because I'm really classy and have no problem with confrontation, I break it off with him in an email.


At least it wasn't a text.


D-A-T-I-N-G


I guess some people take it pretty seriously.

I'm Kind Of A Big Deal

I went to my friends house in Park City for a little Halloween get together. We hung out at his house for a bit and then a bunch of us headed to main street to partake in the Halloween festivities.


Here's a picture of us before we left, if you can't tell, he is a midget on stilts and I am little red riding hood. Sorry the picture is so fuzzy my cell phone sucks and I forgot my camera.




So M (the dude in the pic) was hilarious. Wherever we went, he had everyone laughing with that midget costume. He even won $100 for the best fricken costume ever.


Yeah, he's kind of a big deal (His shirt even says so).


Oh, and here I am with my severed wolf head. I carried him around in my little basket as a warning to others.





If ya couldn't tell, I'm a pretty bad ass little red riding hood.


Don't eff with me.

Little Red Riding Slut

So my last minute costume for Halloween is going to be Little Red Riding Hood. This is the first time in 10 years that I've dressed up for Halloween and I'm way excited. When I saw this costume I knew I just had to have it. It is perfect don't ya think?





I mean, it is exactly what Little Red Riding Hood looked like in the story books. Isn't that awesome!!!


Yeah, I'm going to a Halloween party tomorrow night in Park City, well it's a "house crawl" party which is like a bar crawl except you go from house to house instead of bar to bar. So it's a good thing my costume has a hood to keep my head warm when walking outside!


Yeah if you can't tell, I'm pretty stoked.


Okay, seriously guys, you really think I would wear that? Yeah, you're right, I totally would. Shopping for a girl's Halloween costume is a joke! Everything is slutty this and slutty that. Trying to find a costume that didn't show my ass was quite the challenge. The most non-slutty costume I found was the Little Red Riding Hood costume. Not the one above, mine looks like this:





Except I have a severed wolf head to put in my basket! And of course I have my red Mary Jane's, a wig and false eyelashes. I'm thinking about splattering the costume with blood, you know because I just chopped the wolf's head off. I want to be a scary Little Red Riding Hood, I don't know, what do you think?


What are YOU going to be for Halloween?

I Would Prefer Blood With My Pancakes Please, Thanks.

I love my sis. I love to make fun of her, I love to make her cry, and I love to punch her in the head. But I also love goin out on the town with her, and we're both waiting for the day our baby sis turns 21. You know, so she can be our designated driver.





(Just kiddin Alyse, we want to hang out with you, the DD thing is just a plus. Love you.)


Anyway, so a few weekends ago Lin and I made Alyse babysit Logan so that we could go out. (See? We are awesome older sisters!) We started making the rounds looking for the best club to dance at and while waiting for the dance floor to open at a certain bar in town, we met an interesting fella who we named Bob.


Bob was pretty entertaining so we decided to hang out with him and his friends for a while. So we stayed out dancing until the club closed at which point it was time for breakfast! Yeah, my favorite part of going out is having breakfast at 3 in the morning, love it!


So we realize we're not fit to drive so we get a cab to take us to Village Inn. The cab turns out to be a van so Lin, Bob, and I pile into the back anxiously awaiting pancakes.


We finally get to Village Inn and Bob and Lindee get out of the cab first. Apparently Lindee forgot I existed because as I start to step outside the cab she decides to slam the van door.


On my hand.


I just sat there staring at my hand in the door. Finally my brain registered what had just happened and I thought to myself "Someone should open the door". Granted I was a little buzzed at the time so I blame the alcohol for my behavior, but it seems like I stared at my hand in the door for 10 minutes.


Obviously it was only a few seconds until I snapped out of it and opened the van door to release my hand. Lindee, who is in nursing school, immediately took action as my fingers began to bleed all over.


You'd think we'd skip the breakfast and go home to tend to the injury but no. Hell no, I wanted my pancakes dammit! So we go into the restaraunt and Lindee and I immediately head to the bathroom. We wrap it in paper towels and head back to the table.


Here is fuzzy cell phone picture of my hand a couple days later.




I'm sitting there changing my bloody paper towels, trying to eat my pancakes while simultaneaously squeezing my injury with my other hand in attempt to stop the blood flow. I'm not sure how many paper towels I went through, I just remember they were all over the booth. It was awesome. Thanks Lin.




Oh, and the pancakes were delicious.

Shit Happens

Wow. Has it really been a month since I've posted?


Dude.


I have a little story to tell you so grab your barf bags and gather round, you're in for a treat.


One fine Sunday afternoon I come home after running a few errands, ready to finish my laundary and get my homework done. I was already feeling overwhelmed with the amount of homework and studying I had to get done that day so I was particulary anxious.


I walk into my house and see something on the floor in front of the bathroom door. I walk closer to investigate and realize that it was water from the toilet overflowing!


What? Did someone break into my house and try to flush a huge brown bomb down the toilet while I was gone?


So I open the bathroom door to stop the overflow. Bad idea. As soon as I open the door, brown water comes shooting out and starts flowing into my dining room.


WTF?


I look at the toilet and it is was litterly spewing shit. Shit water. Along with other things you find in a sewer. I was shocked. I knew I should turn off the water to the toilet but in order to do that I would have to wade through the shit water. And of course, without thinking, that's exactly what I did.


In my flip flops.


Gagging the whole time.


I turn off the water but it does nothing to stop the spewing toilet. Crap! Now what do I do? I stand back and just look helplessly as the water continues to saturate my dining room carpet. I need towells. Yes, thats what I need! So I throw off my flip flops and wash my feet off in the kitchen sink so I can run upstairs and grab my bath towels.


All of my bath towels.


I come back downstairs and by this time the water was creeping closer and closer to my kitchen table. So I drop the towels and have to move my kitchen table and chairs into the living room but in order to do that I have to move the couch and the automan first. So I finally finish rearranging my living room and get back to work at the matter at hand.





I try to create a dam the best I can with the bath towels. This seems to work for the moment and I was finally able to call a plumber and of course the soonest they could get there was in an hour.


An hour! My house would be full of shit by then! I hang up and start thinking, isn't there someway to turn off the water to the whole house? Maybe that will stop it. So I call my neighbor for his advice.


FYI: This is my next door, we share a wall, 50 year old single neighbor who likes to lay out in the back yard every time I do and periodically asks me out for drinks. (But that's a whole different story.)


Anyway...he's no help. I don't think he realized the magnitude of the situation, this wasn't just a little clogged toilet dude! Meanwhile the toilet is still going.


And going.


My towels are soaked, it's now leaking into the kitchen. I'm screwed. My landlord won't answer his phone, the plumber isn't going to be there for an hour so I call an emergency flood cleanup guy who also won't be there for 45 minutes!


So I just sit back and watch the sewer continue to make it's home in my house.


Turns out that there was a problem with the pipe outside my house. I live in a little subdivision of townhouses and the plumbing is set up so that each place has a pipe going directly from their toilet into the ground under the street & then combines into one big pipe that takes it out of the neighborhood.


The meeting point for everyone's pipes is right in front of my house soooo, when the main pipe got plugged, the sewer chose MY pipe, to MY toilet to MY house to use as it's exit.


So yes, I had the entire communitiy's poop in my house. And everything else they flush down the toilet. By the way whoever is flushing swiffer pads down their toilet needs to be shot. Just sayin.








Eventually the plumber got there and was able to remove the toilet and plug up the pipe to stop the sewer from coming in. My landlord finally got the message and came over after I had the flood guy and the plumber there working on the mess. He felt horrible, but he did stop and buy me donuts.


That makes everything better.


Thanks.


Anway so the past month I've been living in a construction zone. I got about 5 new roommates and they didn't even help with rent! The plumber dude, the flood dude, the carpet dude, the sanatizer dude, my landlord and a couple of construction workers lurking outside my house. They had to tear into my front yard and dig into the cement in my garage to get at the pipes.


Oh, and I forgot to mention that the flood seeped down through the floor and flooded into the basement too. Poop dripping from the ceiling.


Awesome.





So everything is pretty much cleaned up now, the kitchen floor still needs to be replaced but everything else is pretty much done.


Finally!


These pics are after the poop is all gone, I'll spare you any shitty pics.









Even though the bathroom is fixed, I don't go in there.


I refuse to use it.





It scares the shit out of me.