What the What?

At my place of employment, I have this one particular coworker who just isn't "all there".


And everyone knows it.


You know who I'm talking about, there's one in every office.






Don't get me wrong, he does his job, but he creates most of the work he does himself because he's so old fashioned. For the purposes of this post, we will call him Mr. Barfboogerface.


Mr. Barfboogerface says the most random things to you out of the blue and everyone in the office just humors him.


It. Is. Hilarious.


So I've decided to keep an account of the things he says because well, who says stuff like that?


A little background on him first, he is in his early 50's, is overweight, is bald & freckled, has never been married, has never had kids, lives alone, and his life is his work.


He has back problems and other health issues of which he is determined to let everyone in the office know about. Not only know about, but know every detail of his medical history.


The only interaction he has with other human beings is at work, which is why he always stays at work late. There's no point in him going home, he has nothing to go home to. I know it's sad but he lives in his own reality he makes for himself, I don't ever see this changing.


His office is full of papers. No, I don't think you understand, I mean papers all over his desk, his shelves, piles and piles on the floor, people can't even walk into his office it's that bad!

(Not his real office but pretty close to it!)

And of course they recently moved his office right next to mine so guess who gets to be the recipient of any new health issues and/or big problems with important things like paper towels?


You guessed it. Me.


This here is a conversation, though mostly one sided, between Mr. Barfboogerface and another coworker of mine in the break room. The normal coworker, we'll call him Dave, was warming up his lunch in the microwave when Mr. Barfboogerface walks in.


Mr. B: "Hi, what's going on?"


Dave: "Just warming up my lunch." In his mind he's thinking, oh crap, my food has 4 more minutes! I'm stuck with him for 4 whole minutes!


Mr. B: "Oh. I just need to get some paper towels."


The paper towel roll was empty so Mr. Barfboogerface gets another roll out of the cupboard and while he is replacing it he says,


Mr. B: "You know, I blow my nose with these."


Awkward pause.


Mr. B: "Well, not these ones here at work of course, but when I'm at home."


Dave: Nods his head trying not to laugh.


Mr. B: "Now these paper towels only have the big sheets but I like the ones that are smaller so you can pick your size. Those are the ones I use."


Dave: Blank stare.


Mr. B: "Ya know, I always run out of these at home. I usually buy two at a time but since I use them so often, I just bought a 10 pack and put two inside my house and the rest in the garage." He is speaking very matter-of-factly as if this is important and valuable information.


Dave: Blank stare.


Mr. B: "But my garage isn’t attached to my house and I hate going out there so when I run out of paper towels I never want to go get more. And then when I get home from work and park in the garage, I never remember to bring some more up! " Sighs.

Dave: Blinks.


Mr. B: "Finally I found some extra space in my pantry where I can store them all so I don’t have that problem anymore."


Pause.


Mr. B: "I should probably stop using these to blow my nose."


And with that, he walked out of the break room.





Dave said nothing this whole time but was pretty excited to come and recite his whole "conversation" with Mr. Barfboogerface to me.



My response?


"What the what?"